Reply to Our daughter “married well.” Nobody is happy about it

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I love my daughter. She grew up in a happy high-resource household and we still talk every day. She was a great student, spent a long time in college earning degrees from good schools, and has a successful career. As she approached age 30, girlfriends introduced her to a nice boy who also earned a few degrees from good schools and has a great career. They married a couple years later. They had one child a couple years after the wedding.

They could work anywhere and make great money, yet for alleged career reasons choose to live in isolation essentially across the country from us (and nowhere his family either). So we barely see her and our one grandchild is raised by strangers at a local day care and part-time nannies. My daughter and her husband’s happiness is eroding but you wouldn’t know that from looking at her perfectly curated social media. She confesses their sex life has become nearly nonexistent. They are workaholics and make great upper middle class money (note: not a mega millions windfall like you read about from young people involved in a tech IPO or something along those lines where they can afford to retire early).

We will be leaving her a comfortable inheritance and I’m sure his parents will leave him similar, so what is even the point of this rat race? They’re unhappy, we’re unhappy (I’m assuming his parents aren’t happy), and their child is raised by strangers. All for what? To chase another rung of status badges and eke out a few more bucks?

I submit this to this forum because everyone is fixated with dating the “right” caliber of partner to “marry well” and the alleged status and happiness that comes with it. Give more mindshare to what “well” truly means.[/quote]

Stop blaming.  She also shouldn't be talking to her parents about her sex life.  I would be furious if my spouse did that, get a therapist! Have you talked to them at all?  Are you able to visit them and watch the kid so they can go on a date night or go away for a few days?  And go multiple times a year? Or rent an AirBNB for a long period of time to help and see your grandchild (if they want)?

I say this as someone who is happily married with one child, who lives away from both sides.  My spouse and I have looked at careers where my in laws live and where my family lives.  Where my in laws live there aren't great jobs for our professions and salaries are low, but COL in the towns/city we would want to live are expensive.  My family, live in a VERY HCOL area.  My spouse had a job offer, but the salary was less than he makes now for a higher level job with more hours and more responsibilities! We could never buy a home by my family (we own a home now) unless we commuted and lived far out.  We don't want that.  We can walk or bike to work and school, have friends and wish our families would visit more.

My in laws are retired and wealthy, but only visit for a couple times a year and each time no more than 4 days.  We visit them multiple times a year but stay longer (weeks in summer, breaks, etc).  I wish they would stay longer by us since using up our limited vacation time to visit both families is a lot.  When we travel we always invite them, but they decline.  My mom still works FT (she is younger) but she still only visits us MAYBE once a year for a long weekend.  We again go visit multiple times a year and she gets upset if we don't visit her enough.

This rant is to say, maybe you should go stay there for awhile and help out.  Don't complain.  Don't judge.  Don't make comments.  Just offer to watch your grandchild so they can go to a movie, or dinner out, or away for a week.  Something. My childhood best friend's parents live across the country and every year they go visit for 2 weeks and the mom and dad go away for 10 days (!) while the mom's parents watch the kids. My friend went to Paris last year and the year before they went to Bali! I would recommend staying at an AirBNB if you are there for awhile though.

Also, unless you are mega rich you don't know what will be left for an inheritance.  My husbands grandparents on both sides lived into their 90s and 100s.  My grandmother is still alive and in her 90s.  All that cost money.  Just saying. [/quote]

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