Great. I’m glad that works for most of you. It sounds, though, like the OP could use some help. I hope she, her daughter, and her family can get what they need. |
The OP has made a point of NOT saying exactly where she’s located. |
0kay. I stand corrected. Peace. |
Your neighbor’s child does not have the same problem as OP’s child. OP said her kid is well behaved with sitters. So her child’s behavior with other caregivers is not the issue. It’s not normal to continue the status quo when everyone is unhappy. OP is frustrated, and the child is not happy. I get being self-sacrificing for your child, giving up your job & social life for your kid because you believe you are doing the best for them. That is reasonable when your kid is happy. The issue here is the child is NOT happy at all. She’s crying all day. And apparently only does this whenever she’s with 1 single person - mom. So what’s the point of being a stay at home mom here, what’s the point of continuing the status quo? What’s rational would be for the spouse to be a stay at home parent because the child apparently has no issues with them. The kid also doesn’t have any issues with the sitters. A former nanny quit but that was a long time ago according to OP. Another rational choice would be to hire a new nanny if she doesn’t want to use daycare. At this point, the child is behaving just fine as long as she’s not with the OP. So we can make a reasonable guess that the new nanny won’t have to quit her job due to behavior issues. What’s not rational is to recognize that the child only has all these behavior issues when she’s with mom and yet continue to make sure that mom is the only person around this child 7 days a week all day long. |
Yes you have the key! All behavioral issues are due to poor parenting. Please write a book because you will make millions. |
While I 100% agree that OP should get more childcare, I am quite skeptical that her DD in fact is or will continue to be “just fine” - especially in a daycare/preschool setting with a lot of demands and peers. Also if the DD still has the same behavior in the evenings with OP then things in some ways will be harder for OP, who now not only has to work, but also has to deal with nonstop tantrums after work. So I think the advice to find a behavioral psychologist & get on waiting lists for evaluations is still very important. At the end of the say OP is describing very dysregulated behavior currently at home and a history of dysregulated behavior in multiple settings. It’s really not reasonable to conclude it’s all about OP’s parenting style. |
You are, very unfairly, getting the cause and effect wrong. I have never been apart from her for more than a few hours since birth. But NOT BY CHOICE. I would love, LOVE to go away for a week. Weeks. I have never left her because since birth no one else could soothe her or put her to bed. Not my husband, not my mother, not paid professionals. I think it’s unfair to claim I’m some attachment-woo, overprotective mother who created a child like this by refusing to be apart from her. No. I’m a pretty normal person who had a nanny and a plan lined up then compassionately changed my plans because my baby was super, super distressed (and everyone around me agreed). I think the pp above is right in that if you have a child like this you end up walking on eggshells and accommodating over time. |
We have applied for preschool for next fall. She is going a year early. I’m not sure if you’ve dealt with severe, severe sleep deprivation, but I was too stupid for a long time to figure this all out. I came to the same realization a few months ago but it was too late to line up school for this fall. I’m looking for strategies to cope until next August. |
Okay but it's not like it's impossible. Plenty of us have kids in daycare. And it's easier for age 2+ than infants. That's a silly reason to belittle this suggestion. |
It is by choice! You’re a grown woman with agency. A young baby cannot prevent you from leaving the house. If this is OP, your response makes it very obvious why you’re having this problem with your child. I know it’s difficult but you really need to leave the house, get some of your identity back and possibly send your kid to daycare. Continuing to stay with your kid 24-7 is not working and nothing is going to change if you keep doing the same thing. |
Perfectly put. When she was a baby, everyone encouraged me to lean into the neediness and love her through it. “You can’t spoil a baby!” Now everyone is mad at me that I’ve somehow helped her too much and caused this. It’s an unfair trap. When exactly in time was this magic period when I was supposed to transition from responding to pushing boundaries and independence when her behavior has never shifted? |
This is just so obvious. And if the kid is kicked out of daycare (or the teachers flag serious issues) that will give OP important information as well. In terms of behavioral issues / getting an assessment. |
I’m curious what you think might happen if you were to go away for a week? What is it that you’re imagining will occur or not occur? |
The problem is you can and anyone over the age of 60 knows this. You can absolutely raise and train a baby to always be held and that they cannot be separated from you. |
Good question. About once a month my husband and I try to integrate him into the bedtime routine to see if we can make it work. It results in hours of screaming, hyperventilating, and vomiting, and then a personality change in the toddler for a few days to a week afterward where she seems, for lack of a better word, depressed. Her language skills regress, she talks endlessly about how she cried and mommy wasn’t there, she has even more tantrums and clings more, she doesn’t want to play as much, etc. It’s so extreme and not worth it. |