Discipline for excessive crying

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry OP, that sounds really hard.

What’s interesting to me about it is that she only does this with you. That indicates to me there is something about your interaction with her that is “working” for her to keep going through the hysterics. Do you pay her more attention, even negative attention, when she does it? Does she get a ton of empathy? Do you sometimes give in to the waterworks? Those are 2 of the more apparent things that lead to kids keeping up undesirable behaviors. If that’s not it, maybe see if you or your partner are able to identify any differences in how you respond.

Some of the Lansbury stuff is over the top but one thing that I initially thought was ridiculous but is really helpful is the 1:1 time. My challenging child had different undesirable behaviors, but when I started making some time for her as often as I could, every day if I could, it really helped.

I am SAHM because she’s so difficult original nanny quit, plus she wasn’t sleeping at all so I couldn’t work. I spend all day, every day with her, mostly paying total attention to her otherwise she cries for hours. So it’s not a lack of attention. For the last 3-4 months I’ve been trying to set boundaries and do less focusing 100% on her because it’s not realistic or normal life to live that way and I was/am resentful. But this is the result of any boundary-setting and it’s not getting better. If anything, worse. Lansbury claims your kid will get with the program in days. Hmm.

DP. Maybe it’s time to get her in to a group care situation where her needs aren’t the only needs? Even part time? She’s used to being the center of your every minute of every day and getting absolutely everything she wants. Maybe she’s ready to take that step into a different environment?

But she already goes to a babysitter part time and has for over a year. Then she comes home and behaves this way. I can’t seem to break the cycle with just me. She’s perfect for everyone else or in classes, other settings, etc. how do I fix it with ME?

She goes to a babysitter where she is the center of attention. My son matured a LOT when he went to group care around 2.5. Having the caretakers time and attention split between multiple kids might help her, which will help YOU.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's interesting that she only does it with you. That is good! What about offering her a reward for not crying. I'd usually say 2ish is a bit too young for a rewards chart, but, since she is so verbal it could be worth a try.

Is it ok from an emotional perspective to incentivize not crying? Everything I’ve read says that crying in and of itself is not a problem. So does rewards for not crying send an inappropriate message that crying is bad? Sorry for dumb questions. I’m really struggling.

This is what I tell my kid, basically:
All feelings are good but not all actions are good. Sometimes crying, which is an action, feels good but if it goes on too long, it keeps you from breathing and talking and doing the things you really want to do (like eating ice cream). You make the choice on what feels better, do you want to cry or do you want to do some deep breathing?

[Anonymous]

What is your response when she first starts crying? Since you said her behavior only happens with you and no one else, it sounds like a behavioral issue and not really an emotional control or physical reason for crying. According to our child's therapist, our child throws similar tantrums because the tantrums are being rewarded in some way by giving the child something they want -- attention (even negative attention), comfort, etc. Maybe you need a different approach.

[Anonymous]

I have a child that same age (but a boy) who whines and cries just with me and no one else. Like you, it raises my blood pressure and puts me in fight or flight mode.

He goes to daycare full time now. He’s the first there and almost last to leave because I couldn’t function. I have other kids too who were the getting the worst of me. I have no guilt I only see him awake about 2 hours a day. Right now it’s survival for me. His teachers say he’s happy and engaged.

It has helped me mentally and I get to spend more 1:1 time with my older kids.

Look into full day care. It’s for your mental health.

[Anonymous]

Op, I’m sorry this sounds incredibly hard. This also isn’t typical, so there is likely something going on here so punishment is unlikely to help, it could make it worse. I can understand how you feel at the end of your rope.

Instead of punishment I would strongly consider finding a therapist who does PCIT - parent child interaction therapy. Therapists actually watch you through a window and coach you through ear buds using specific techniques. They do use techniques like time outs in certain situations. They may be able to give you insight into what is going on and support to respond in consistent, helpful ways that help you feel empowered. It is specifically geared towards younger kids, including 2 year olds.

Sending good vibes, it is very hard to have a child whose needs are beyond some other kids (I have one too! Though different and he is older so we now know what is going on) and can feel so isolating. I don’t recommend using punishment but getting some professional tools.

[Anonymous]

Also op, I know folks are focusing on it just being with you, and feeling like that must mean you’re doing something to cause it. Please know that with kids who have additional needs this isn’t always the case. Sometimes it’s because you are their safe space, not only because of how you respond. Give yourself a little grace and get some PCIT to help you get to the bottom of it!

[Anonymous]

I agree with the PP that it's time for group care. I would recommend looking into an in-home with loving caregivers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would work on naming her emotions, it will give her the emotional vocabulary and make her feel heard by you. Can you look up home based therapeutic play therapy, maybe some one on one dedicated play therapy techniques would help her feel more in control. That she is like this with you means you’re her safe person where she can let it out.

+1

OP this is accurate. My DD was like this, she is now at college and thriving. She was a VERY easy baby, I was into baby wearing and attachment this and that, popular back then. She walked early, talked early, does well in school, but everything (and I mean every. last. effing. thing.) was a struggle, daily. Not one of my friends went through what we did. Not one. Never mind the holier than thous who strive to make it look like they are parents of the year, along the way - those you can disregard and/or discard.

My two cents is that she does indeed feel safe with you. Do what you can. I know you are exhausted, because all these years later, I remember it well. I do not think "whatever it is" is common. Perhaps it is a personality thing, I am not entirely sure, but I am going with that. Another sibling was an IMPOSSIBLE baby and super easy kid, so there is likely something to that, FWIW.

DH empathized and made them "feel heard" more than our other kids, and thought this is what they needed. Not sure if that helps, as I know you are already exhausted.

One example I have for you: we did mommy and me (or whatever they are called in toddlerhood and just after) type classes often, same as I did with our other kids. She would fight me to the ends of the earth to NOT go (basically, this was true of any destination, be it one hour or one day). Once we arrived at the destination, she was absolutely fine and had "the best day ever!", and THEN refused to go home! Go figure. I am trying to recall if they ever grew out of it entirely, I do know there was some door slamming during preteen years, and they chilled out after those years, thankfully. Good friends help, both for her and for me, I found. I do think there is some anxiety, which remained.

One thing we did is this, we ended up finding a specially trained female therapist in Falls Church, VA, but the name escapes me. HTH: https://pepparent.org/ . We also tried 1,2,3 Magic (found on Amazon).

Wishing you peace, it is EXTREMELY difficult.

[Anonymous]

Discipline!!?? Please read "Good inside" by Dr. Becky Kennedy.

[Anonymous]

OP my toddler is driving me nuts lately, although nothing near this extreme. When the screaming, whining, crying feels like it’s pushing me over the edge to dysregulation I put her in her crib and walk away. Once I’m a bit further from the crying I can calm down a bit. It’s not really a punative thing, but I just tell her something like “I just can’t function with you screaming in my ear, I am going to put you in your crib for a few minutes while I make a snack” or whatever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's interesting that she only does it with you. That is good! What about offering her a reward for not crying. I'd usually say 2ish is a bit too young for a rewards chart, but, since she is so verbal it could be worth a try.

Is it ok from an emotional perspective to incentivize not crying? Everything I’ve read says that crying in and of itself is not a problem. So does rewards for not crying send an inappropriate message that crying is bad? Sorry for dumb questions. I’m really struggling.

Hi OP. Throw Janet Lansbury in the trash and call a trained child psychologist who specializes in parent management training. You absolutely can ignore behavior you want to reduce. The crying sounds like it is to get attention. It’s not neglectful for you to set up a plan to try to reduce it.

Thank you. Any recommendations on an east coast psychologist?

what city?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Discipline!!?? Please read "Good inside" by Dr. Becky Kennedy.

Please do NOT read Dr Becky Kennedy. She has zero grounding in evidence-based therapies for child behavior.

[Anonymous]

How is her speech? Say no, ignore, redirect and don’t give in.

[Anonymous]

I just started to focus my attention more on how to cope with the crying internally rather than how to stop it.

In my case, it meant spending a lot less time with my child and also using headphones.

I also tried mindfulness and breathing techniques but they didn’t help me.

Valium and Effexor helped a little bit too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Discipline!!?? Please read "Good inside" by Dr. Becky Kennedy.

Please do NOT read Dr Becky Kennedy. She has zero grounding in evidence-based therapies for child behavior.

Right. Her advice on an issue like this is pointless. Are you supposed to empathize and support the toddler crying for the entire three hours while remaining perfectly calm?

Maybe if you had a lot of valium lol, but that would cause other problems for moms.

OP, I tell my kid that if can't stop crying it must be bedtime. Ain't nobody got time for that. I'm also the OP of the Alloparenting thread in General Parenting.