Discipline for excessive crying

[Anonymous]

Why are humans the only mammals who don't believe in caring for their own offspring?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are humans the only mammals who don't believe in caring for their own offspring?

You’re right. OP should have no life. No job, no friends and no hobbies. She should simply wait on her child 24-7. She should strap her 2 year old to her body to do chores. Her child demands to be held and catered to non-stop and she should encourage this. Who cares if the child can’t attend preschool due to separation anxiety? Who cares if the DH divorces his wife because all she does is take care of this child?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are humans the only mammals who don't believe in caring for their own offspring?

What kind of idiot makes a comment like this?

[Anonymous]

You feel even more stressed because you’re doing this all day every day by being a stay at home mom, for dubious reasons at this point. You claim she is good for everyone else, then put her in a daycare. Maybe she will be happier around other kids her age as well. If she’s crying all day at home, I think it’s logical to let her go to daycare especially when you already established that she is well-behaved as long as she is not around you. It’s one thing if she gets kicked out of daycares and you had no choice but to stay home with her. But that is not the case here so I am perplexed as to why you keep on doing it. It also doesn’t sound like you’re financially struggling, so this whole thing is self inflicted.

Why continue to let her stay at home all day with you when she’s obviously not happy because she’s crying all day?

I have a kid who was a very very difficult infant. The type who cried all day and needed to be held all day and all night. I also quit my job to stay home with him. Even as he got older, he always needed my attention at all times. When he was around 18 months old I’ve had it, and decided I had to try daycare. I had avoided it for a long time because I was afraid he would get kicked out. Turns out he loved daycare. Never threw a tantrum there. I am told that he is among the most well-behaved child in his classes. He is much better now that he’s older.

I think you should give it a try. It’s unclear why you kept on staying at home with your child when you have admitted that she has a lot of behavior issues when she’s with you, and not with anyone else. That just doesn’t make any sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know Janet Lansbury and all the RIE and gentle parenting advice says not to discipline or shame for crying, that you want your kids to feel safe expressing their emotions. But what can you do when the crying is truly extreme and excessive?

I really can’t take it anymore. My 27 month old cries almost nonstop, all day, every single day. Every transition, every no. Today she cried for 45 minutes because we were driving and I wouldn’t/couldn’t make her a sandwich in the car, while driving. She cries during story time before bed. She cries when she asks for donuts all day and we inevitably say no (she’s had donuts only once in her life. I have no idea where the obsession comes from). She cries when I put her into her car seat. She cries when I am on the phone and can’t play with her. She will literally cry for hours until and unless you do exactly what she wants or I get so frustrated I distract/redirect her, which only works some of the time. We say no plenty (thus all the crying!). She is not spoiled.

She only does this to me, mom. She is not like this at all with her dad, nanny, anyone else. Just me.

Has anyone had a child like this? Did therapy or something else help? I just can’t stand any more crying and screaming.

Your two year old (I'd call her two at this point) needs unconditional love, reassurance, and to feel you are in control. be calm and pour on the love. Don't shame her for her feelings. This period will pass.

I have tried. I am failing remaining calm all the time. It’s too hard for me. Thus the thread.

I know and I understand I’m just trying to help you keep the faith!

Ignore all the other posts about autism etc.. This is a normal.


And just remember it’s important that she never feel bad about having human emotion. “ this too, shall pass.” Believe it or not this will be a just memory at one time point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You feel even more stressed because you’re doing this all day every day by being a stay at home mom, for dubious reasons at this point. You claim she is good for everyone else, then put her in a daycare. Maybe she will be happier around other kids her age as well. If she’s crying all day at home, I think it’s logical to let her go to daycare especially when you already established that she is well-behaved as long as she is not around you. It’s one thing if she gets kicked out of daycares and you had no choice but to stay home with her. But that is not the case here so I am perplexed as to why you keep on doing it. It also doesn’t sound like you’re financially struggling, so this whole thing is self inflicted.

Why continue to let her stay at home all day with you when she’s obviously not happy because she’s crying all day?

I have a kid who was a very very difficult infant. The type who cried all day and needed to be held all day and all night. I also quit my job to stay home with him. Even as he got older, he always needed my attention at all times. When he was around 18 months old I’ve had it, and decided I had to try daycare. I had avoided it for a long time because I was afraid he would get kicked out. Turns out he loved daycare. Never threw a tantrum there. I am told that he is among the most well-behaved child in his classes. He is much better now that he’s older.

I think you should give it a try. It’s unclear why you kept on staying at home with your child when you have admitted that she has a lot of behavior issues when she’s with you, and not with anyone else. That just doesn’t make any sense.

This is the best advice on here. OP, your kid needs to go to daycare. It does not sound enjoyable for your child, and your kid sounds unhappy and anxious.

Have a friend in a similar situation or dynamic and I’d love to be able to simply tell her to send her kid to daycare and return to work. But she’s convinced that daycare is terrible and there’s no way her high needs clingy toddler could survive. Except I suspect it’s the opposite. Her child would likely thrive. For whatever reason the current arrangement isn’t working but the friend doubles down on staying home and spending 24-7 with the child.

At the very least send your child to all day preschool and start hiring sitters until she starts school. Your kid needs this and so do you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You feel even more stressed because you’re doing this all day every day by being a stay at home mom, for dubious reasons at this point. You claim she is good for everyone else, then put her in a daycare. Maybe she will be happier around other kids her age as well. If she’s crying all day at home, I think it’s logical to let her go to daycare especially when you already established that she is well-behaved as long as she is not around you. It’s one thing if she gets kicked out of daycares and you had no choice but to stay home with her. But that is not the case here so I am perplexed as to why you keep on doing it. It also doesn’t sound like you’re financially struggling, so this whole thing is self inflicted.

Why continue to let her stay at home all day with you when she’s obviously not happy because she’s crying all day?

I have a kid who was a very very difficult infant. The type who cried all day and needed to be held all day and all night. I also quit my job to stay home with him. Even as he got older, he always needed my attention at all times. When he was around 18 months old I’ve had it, and decided I had to try daycare. I had avoided it for a long time because I was afraid he would get kicked out. Turns out he loved daycare. Never threw a tantrum there. I am told that he is among the most well-behaved child in his classes. He is much better now that he’s older.

I think you should give it a try. It’s unclear why you kept on staying at home with your child when you have admitted that she has a lot of behavior issues when she’s with you, and not with anyone else. That just doesn’t make any sense.

I think OP is reacting rationally. It’s normal to continue the status quo as opposed to something more extreme. A lot of SAHMs are strongly opposed to daycare and think it’s better for the child to stay at home no matter what.

My neighbor won’t even go out to dinner with her spouse without the kids. No one can handle their three year old. I can only have a social life because I have easy children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A couple thoughts for you, from someone who has gone through toddler hell and come out the other side.

She will literally cry for hours until and unless you do exactly what she wants or I get so frustrated I distract/redirect her, which only works some of the time.

This makes me wonder how often you change your no to a yes. Or if you can sometimes be worn down to start offering bribes (“Want more snack? Would watching a show help you feel better? If you stop crying, you can go with Mommy to Starbucks and get a hot chocolate.”) Basically, I wonder if what started as legitimate high-needs behavior is getting reinforced and rewarded.

You also mention that she will follow you from room to room, weeping wailing. What happens when she does? Do you interact with her? (“Larla, you need to stop crying. Larla! Take deep breaths. Larla, let’s breathe together. Iiiiin and ouuuuuuut.”) Or do you cheerfully go about your business? (“Mommy is going into the family room to fold this laundry. Hmmm, I wonder where the other blue sock is.”)

My two cents would be to help her name her feelings (“You’re thinking about how good a sandwich would taste right now, and are frustrated that I can’t make one while I’m driving”), but don’t get sucked into the theatricality they generate. Acknowledge them, but don’t try to solve them. (“I like sandwiches too. Wouldn’t it be great if we could push a button in the car and have it make us a sandwich?”)

“How to Talk So Kids Will Listen” is an oldie but a goodie. Consistency is hard, but so important. Above all, don’t negotiate with terrorists. Give her tons of attention when she’s calm, but grey rock when the dramatics start.

I never offer bribes, and I never ever change no to yes. I do sometimes eventually redirect, which I thought I wasn’t supposed to do because you’re supposed to give them a chance to self-regulate.

While she’s crying and following me, I’m usually trying to ignore while occasionally acknowledging and affirming: “You’re so Upset I won’t sit on the floor and hold your bear for you.” Yes. That’s very hard.”

I think it’s totally fine to sit on the floor and hold her bear unless you are busy with something else or too tired/upset. Don’t deny it out of principle.
-pp who first suggested ASD

And that is what I did for about the first 18 months of her life. Her demands have always been utterly relentless. Sit here, hold this, give me this, do this, say this. At first I thought I was nurturing a strong sense of self and her preferences so I thought it was fine. But as time has gone on I feel like it's not healthy to act like her slave all day. To be clear, she wants me to do something for her nearly every second of the day. It's not just hold the bear once. It's hold the bear, then sit on a specific spot on the floor, no chair allowed, then put this thing on a doll, then say a word this way not that way...it never ends. So I feel I have to refuse a lot of these requests because it's exhausting and also feels extreme and unhealthy. Where should I draw the line?

This is an interesting observation and is something I have observed from some women who stay at home with their kids and also children with overly indulgent mothers. It’s like the mom or nanny works for the kids and it can’t be healthy in the long term. This kind of dynamic is only possible when a mom has few kids and not a lot going or, or a FT nanny.



There’s a possibility your child just got off on the wrong foot when you indulged the child a great bit. A less gentle way to say it is that your child is spoiled. You demonstrated to your child that she’s in charge and your her space to cater to her every need. You don’t have other things to do - it all revolves around your child. All kids are self-centered, but yours is on another level.

Simply ignore your kid. Wear earplugs. I find it hard to believe your child doesn’t act like this with others, but continues to do so with you, and you’re not encouraging the behavior in some way. It’s like the parents who tell you their kids won’t sleep but whenever the kid screams at night they are in their room to comfort them.

Another solution is to put your child in all-day daycare or preschool next school year.

I agree to a certain extent, but she’s been this extreme and needy from birth. Our night doulas agreed she’s the worst sleeper they’ve ever seen, and they are professionals at this. And as an infant, she was this challenging with everyone, not just me. So I do think she’s high needs but yes, I probably accidentally made it worse by being available and not knowing when to say no.

Since she was born have you been away for a few days apart from her? Do you go out for an afternoon without her, or go on date nights?

The moms I know with these high need babies/toddlers never seem to be apart from their kid.

hmm and why do you think that is?

DP: I think it’s because we — especially moms — are wired to care for high needs newborns and infants in a community setting. Many white Western moms don’t HAVE a community setting, and take on the enormous tasks of caring for a newborn in a small nuclear family, which can be isolating and exhausting. For kids with typical development, this high needs period doesn’t last very long. Kids mature, become more independent, their needs change.

For atypical kids, their high needs developmental phase doesn’t always become easier. It actually may become more difficult and more complex. And moms/parents/caregivers often struggle with this by trying to “parent” even harder — perhaps never seeming to be apart from their kid — because the kid seems to be in a perpetual crisis mode, which parents, and indeed, most of us, are wired to soothe. It’s really hard to know when and how to shift from responding to high needs infant-level demands when the kid isn’t developing in ways that naturally provide the cues that indicate to caregivers that it is indeed SAFE and developmentally appropriate to do so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A couple thoughts for you, from someone who has gone through toddler hell and come out the other side.

She will literally cry for hours until and unless you do exactly what she wants or I get so frustrated I distract/redirect her, which only works some of the time.

This makes me wonder how often you change your no to a yes. Or if you can sometimes be worn down to start offering bribes (“Want more snack? Would watching a show help you feel better? If you stop crying, you can go with Mommy to Starbucks and get a hot chocolate.”) Basically, I wonder if what started as legitimate high-needs behavior is getting reinforced and rewarded.

You also mention that she will follow you from room to room, weeping wailing. What happens when she does? Do you interact with her? (“Larla, you need to stop crying. Larla! Take deep breaths. Larla, let’s breathe together. Iiiiin and ouuuuuuut.”) Or do you cheerfully go about your business? (“Mommy is going into the family room to fold this laundry. Hmmm, I wonder where the other blue sock is.”)

My two cents would be to help her name her feelings (“You’re thinking about how good a sandwich would taste right now, and are frustrated that I can’t make one while I’m driving”), but don’t get sucked into the theatricality they generate. Acknowledge them, but don’t try to solve them. (“I like sandwiches too. Wouldn’t it be great if we could push a button in the car and have it make us a sandwich?”)

“How to Talk So Kids Will Listen” is an oldie but a goodie. Consistency is hard, but so important. Above all, don’t negotiate with terrorists. Give her tons of attention when she’s calm, but grey rock when the dramatics start.

I never offer bribes, and I never ever change no to yes. I do sometimes eventually redirect, which I thought I wasn’t supposed to do because you’re supposed to give them a chance to self-regulate.

While she’s crying and following me, I’m usually trying to ignore while occasionally acknowledging and affirming: “You’re so Upset I won’t sit on the floor and hold your bear for you.” Yes. That’s very hard.”

I think it’s totally fine to sit on the floor and hold her bear unless you are busy with something else or too tired/upset. Don’t deny it out of principle.
-pp who first suggested ASD

And that is what I did for about the first 18 months of her life. Her demands have always been utterly relentless. Sit here, hold this, give me this, do this, say this. At first I thought I was nurturing a strong sense of self and her preferences so I thought it was fine. But as time has gone on I feel like it's not healthy to act like her slave all day. To be clear, she wants me to do something for her nearly every second of the day. It's not just hold the bear once. It's hold the bear, then sit on a specific spot on the floor, no chair allowed, then put this thing on a doll, then say a word this way not that way...it never ends. So I feel I have to refuse a lot of these requests because it's exhausting and also feels extreme and unhealthy. Where should I draw the line?

This is an interesting observation and is something I have observed from some women who stay at home with their kids and also children with overly indulgent mothers. It’s like the mom or nanny works for the kids and it can’t be healthy in the long term. This kind of dynamic is only possible when a mom has few kids and not a lot going or, or a FT nanny.



There’s a possibility your child just got off on the wrong foot when you indulged the child a great bit. A less gentle way to say it is that your child is spoiled. You demonstrated to your child that she’s in charge and your her space to cater to her every need. You don’t have other things to do - it all revolves around your child. All kids are self-centered, but yours is on another level.

Simply ignore your kid. Wear earplugs. I find it hard to believe your child doesn’t act like this with others, but continues to do so with you, and you’re not encouraging the behavior in some way. It’s like the parents who tell you their kids won’t sleep but whenever the kid screams at night they are in their room to comfort them.

Another solution is to put your child in all-day daycare or preschool next school year.

I agree to a certain extent, but she’s been this extreme and needy from birth. Our night doulas agreed she’s the worst sleeper they’ve ever seen, and they are professionals at this. And as an infant, she was this challenging with everyone, not just me. So I do think she’s high needs but yes, I probably accidentally made it worse by being available and not knowing when to say no.

Since she was born have you been away for a few days apart from her? Do you go out for an afternoon without her, or go on date nights?

The moms I know with these high need babies/toddlers never seem to be apart from their kid.

hmm and why do you think that is?

DP: I think it’s because we — especially moms — are wired to care for high needs newborns and infants in a community setting. Many white Western moms don’t HAVE a community setting, and take on the enormous tasks of caring for a newborn in a small nuclear family, which can be isolating and exhausting. For kids with typical development, this high needs period doesn’t last very long. Kids mature, become more independent, their needs change.

For atypical kids, their high needs developmental phase doesn’t always become easier. It actually may become more difficult and more complex. And moms/parents/caregivers often struggle with this by trying to “parent” even harder — perhaps never seeming to be apart from their kid — because the kid seems to be in a perpetual crisis mode, which parents, and indeed, most of us, are wired to soothe. It’s really hard to know when and how to shift from responding to high needs infant-level demands when the kid isn’t developing in ways that naturally provide the cues that indicate to caregivers that it is indeed SAFE and developmentally appropriate to do so.

God bless America for this. Caring for ONE high needs kid - who is my own child - is way better than spending my entire adulthood expected to also take care of other high needs kids. I’m so thankful I have the resources and outsource care as opposed to receiving “free” care and then later expected to provide that same care to others. I do not want to take care of your kids and if I did, I could go work at a preschool.

The village = exploiting unpaid female labor

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know Janet Lansbury and all the RIE and gentle parenting advice says not to discipline or shame for crying, that you want your kids to feel safe expressing their emotions. But what can you do when the crying is truly extreme and excessive?

I really can’t take it anymore. My 27 month old cries almost nonstop, all day, every single day. Every transition, every no. Today she cried for 45 minutes because we were driving and I wouldn’t/couldn’t make her a sandwich in the car, while driving. She cries during story time before bed. She cries when she asks for donuts all day and we inevitably say no (she’s had donuts only once in her life. I have no idea where the obsession comes from). She cries when I put her into her car seat. She cries when I am on the phone and can’t play with her. She will literally cry for hours until and unless you do exactly what she wants or I get so frustrated I distract/redirect her, which only works some of the time. We say no plenty (thus all the crying!). She is not spoiled.

She only does this to me, mom. She is not like this at all with her dad, nanny, anyone else. Just me.

Has anyone had a child like this? Did therapy or something else help? I just can’t stand any more crying and screaming.

Your two year old (I'd call her two at this point) needs unconditional love, reassurance, and to feel you are in control. be calm and pour on the love. Don't shame her for her feelings. This period will pass.

I have tried. I am failing remaining calm all the time. It’s too hard for me. Thus the thread.

I know and I understand I’m just trying to help you keep the faith!

Ignore all the other posts about autism etc.. This is a normal.


And just remember it’s important that she never feel bad about having human emotion. “ this too, shall pass.” Believe it or not this will be a just memory at one time point.

No, what the OP is describing isn’t “normal”. It also may — or may not be — “autism, etc.”. That is why many of us are using the OP to begin the first of what may be many assessments — to get a better sense of what might be going on, and to get suggestions from professionals regarding potentially helpful interventions.

While it might be “important that she never (NEVER?) feel bad about having human emotion” from your perspective PP, it is vitally important that she learn how to EXPRESS her “human emotion “ in ways that won’t alienate peers, and result in her being removed from age appropriate social settings and experiences — some of which it sounds like she’s navigating well.

[Anonymous]

My elder Asian relatives would put a lighter in front of their child’s face to attempt to scare them into behaving. I guess that explains a lot about my family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A couple thoughts for you, from someone who has gone through toddler hell and come out the other side.

She will literally cry for hours until and unless you do exactly what she wants or I get so frustrated I distract/redirect her, which only works some of the time.

This makes me wonder how often you change your no to a yes. Or if you can sometimes be worn down to start offering bribes (“Want more snack? Would watching a show help you feel better? If you stop crying, you can go with Mommy to Starbucks and get a hot chocolate.”) Basically, I wonder if what started as legitimate high-needs behavior is getting reinforced and rewarded.

You also mention that she will follow you from room to room, weeping wailing. What happens when she does? Do you interact with her? (“Larla, you need to stop crying. Larla! Take deep breaths. Larla, let’s breathe together. Iiiiin and ouuuuuuut.”) Or do you cheerfully go about your business? (“Mommy is going into the family room to fold this laundry. Hmmm, I wonder where the other blue sock is.”)

My two cents would be to help her name her feelings (“You’re thinking about how good a sandwich would taste right now, and are frustrated that I can’t make one while I’m driving”), but don’t get sucked into the theatricality they generate. Acknowledge them, but don’t try to solve them. (“I like sandwiches too. Wouldn’t it be great if we could push a button in the car and have it make us a sandwich?”)

“How to Talk So Kids Will Listen” is an oldie but a goodie. Consistency is hard, but so important. Above all, don’t negotiate with terrorists. Give her tons of attention when she’s calm, but grey rock when the dramatics start.

I never offer bribes, and I never ever change no to yes. I do sometimes eventually redirect, which I thought I wasn’t supposed to do because you’re supposed to give them a chance to self-regulate.

While she’s crying and following me, I’m usually trying to ignore while occasionally acknowledging and affirming: “You’re so Upset I won’t sit on the floor and hold your bear for you.” Yes. That’s very hard.”

I think it’s totally fine to sit on the floor and hold her bear unless you are busy with something else or too tired/upset. Don’t deny it out of principle.
-pp who first suggested ASD

And that is what I did for about the first 18 months of her life. Her demands have always been utterly relentless. Sit here, hold this, give me this, do this, say this. At first I thought I was nurturing a strong sense of self and her preferences so I thought it was fine. But as time has gone on I feel like it's not healthy to act like her slave all day. To be clear, she wants me to do something for her nearly every second of the day. It's not just hold the bear once. It's hold the bear, then sit on a specific spot on the floor, no chair allowed, then put this thing on a doll, then say a word this way not that way...it never ends. So I feel I have to refuse a lot of these requests because it's exhausting and also feels extreme and unhealthy. Where should I draw the line?

This is an interesting observation and is something I have observed from some women who stay at home with their kids and also children with overly indulgent mothers. It’s like the mom or nanny works for the kids and it can’t be healthy in the long term. This kind of dynamic is only possible when a mom has few kids and not a lot going or, or a FT nanny.



There’s a possibility your child just got off on the wrong foot when you indulged the child a great bit. A less gentle way to say it is that your child is spoiled. You demonstrated to your child that she’s in charge and your her space to cater to her every need. You don’t have other things to do - it all revolves around your child. All kids are self-centered, but yours is on another level.

Simply ignore your kid. Wear earplugs. I find it hard to believe your child doesn’t act like this with others, but continues to do so with you, and you’re not encouraging the behavior in some way. It’s like the parents who tell you their kids won’t sleep but whenever the kid screams at night they are in their room to comfort them.

Another solution is to put your child in all-day daycare or preschool next school year.

I agree to a certain extent, but she’s been this extreme and needy from birth. Our night doulas agreed she’s the worst sleeper they’ve ever seen, and they are professionals at this. And as an infant, she was this challenging with everyone, not just me. So I do think she’s high needs but yes, I probably accidentally made it worse by being available and not knowing when to say no.

Since she was born have you been away for a few days apart from her? Do you go out for an afternoon without her, or go on date nights?

The moms I know with these high need babies/toddlers never seem to be apart from their kid.

hmm and why do you think that is?

DP: I think it’s because we — especially moms — are wired to care for high needs newborns and infants in a community setting. Many white Western moms don’t HAVE a community setting, and take on the enormous tasks of caring for a newborn in a small nuclear family, which can be isolating and exhausting. For kids with typical development, this high needs period doesn’t last very long. Kids mature, become more independent, their needs change.

For atypical kids, their high needs developmental phase doesn’t always become easier. It actually may become more difficult and more complex. And moms/parents/caregivers often struggle with this by trying to “parent” even harder — perhaps never seeming to be apart from their kid — because the kid seems to be in a perpetual crisis mode, which parents, and indeed, most of us, are wired to soothe. It’s really hard to know when and how to shift from responding to high needs infant-level demands when the kid isn’t developing in ways that naturally provide the cues that indicate to caregivers that it is indeed SAFE and developmentally appropriate to do so.

God bless America for this. Caring for ONE high needs kid - who is my own child - is way better than spending my entire adulthood expected to also take care of other high needs kids. I’m so thankful I have the resources and outsource care as opposed to receiving “free” care and then later expected to provide that same care to others. I do not want to take care of your kids and if I did, I could go work at a preschool.

The village = exploiting unpaid female labor

How nice that that works for you. You must be one of those favored few that “America” has been designed to protect.

For many of us though, our extended family villages are much more mutual and rewarding than yours seems to be. There are advantages and disadvantages to most models. Nice that you’ve found one that works for you. I hope it continues to do so. I’m guessing that you already have plans in place — in the event that you should become infirm at some point, or have some other family needs that require hands-on care.

FWIW - My personal village has included multiple nurturing, caring men as well as women. That’s how my particular village rolls.

[Anonymous]

Are people suggesting daycare in the DC area? It’s really hard to find a spot here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A couple thoughts for you, from someone who has gone through toddler hell and come out the other side.

She will literally cry for hours until and unless you do exactly what she wants or I get so frustrated I distract/redirect her, which only works some of the time.

This makes me wonder how often you change your no to a yes. Or if you can sometimes be worn down to start offering bribes (“Want more snack? Would watching a show help you feel better? If you stop crying, you can go with Mommy to Starbucks and get a hot chocolate.”) Basically, I wonder if what started as legitimate high-needs behavior is getting reinforced and rewarded.

You also mention that she will follow you from room to room, weeping wailing. What happens when she does? Do you interact with her? (“Larla, you need to stop crying. Larla! Take deep breaths. Larla, let’s breathe together. Iiiiin and ouuuuuuut.”) Or do you cheerfully go about your business? (“Mommy is going into the family room to fold this laundry. Hmmm, I wonder where the other blue sock is.”)

My two cents would be to help her name her feelings (“You’re thinking about how good a sandwich would taste right now, and are frustrated that I can’t make one while I’m driving”), but don’t get sucked into the theatricality they generate. Acknowledge them, but don’t try to solve them. (“I like sandwiches too. Wouldn’t it be great if we could push a button in the car and have it make us a sandwich?”)

“How to Talk So Kids Will Listen” is an oldie but a goodie. Consistency is hard, but so important. Above all, don’t negotiate with terrorists. Give her tons of attention when she’s calm, but grey rock when the dramatics start.

I never offer bribes, and I never ever change no to yes. I do sometimes eventually redirect, which I thought I wasn’t supposed to do because you’re supposed to give them a chance to self-regulate.

While she’s crying and following me, I’m usually trying to ignore while occasionally acknowledging and affirming: “You’re so Upset I won’t sit on the floor and hold your bear for you.” Yes. That’s very hard.”

I think it’s totally fine to sit on the floor and hold her bear unless you are busy with something else or too tired/upset. Don’t deny it out of principle.
-pp who first suggested ASD

And that is what I did for about the first 18 months of her life. Her demands have always been utterly relentless. Sit here, hold this, give me this, do this, say this. At first I thought I was nurturing a strong sense of self and her preferences so I thought it was fine. But as time has gone on I feel like it's not healthy to act like her slave all day. To be clear, she wants me to do something for her nearly every second of the day. It's not just hold the bear once. It's hold the bear, then sit on a specific spot on the floor, no chair allowed, then put this thing on a doll, then say a word this way not that way...it never ends. So I feel I have to refuse a lot of these requests because it's exhausting and also feels extreme and unhealthy. Where should I draw the line?

This is an interesting observation and is something I have observed from some women who stay at home with their kids and also children with overly indulgent mothers. It’s like the mom or nanny works for the kids and it can’t be healthy in the long term. This kind of dynamic is only possible when a mom has few kids and not a lot going or, or a FT nanny.



There’s a possibility your child just got off on the wrong foot when you indulged the child a great bit. A less gentle way to say it is that your child is spoiled. You demonstrated to your child that she’s in charge and your her space to cater to her every need. You don’t have other things to do - it all revolves around your child. All kids are self-centered, but yours is on another level.

Simply ignore your kid. Wear earplugs. I find it hard to believe your child doesn’t act like this with others, but continues to do so with you, and you’re not encouraging the behavior in some way. It’s like the parents who tell you their kids won’t sleep but whenever the kid screams at night they are in their room to comfort them.

Another solution is to put your child in all-day daycare or preschool next school year.

I agree to a certain extent, but she’s been this extreme and needy from birth. Our night doulas agreed she’s the worst sleeper they’ve ever seen, and they are professionals at this. And as an infant, she was this challenging with everyone, not just me. So I do think she’s high needs but yes, I probably accidentally made it worse by being available and not knowing when to say no.

Since she was born have you been away for a few days apart from her? Do you go out for an afternoon without her, or go on date nights?

The moms I know with these high need babies/toddlers never seem to be apart from their kid.

hmm and why do you think that is?

Because they think they are being good parents but they are actually being the opposite.

They aren’t establishing boundaries and are teaching their child that they work for the child and have nothing going on outside of their child.

You are an eye dee ten tee error.

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Anonymous wrote:A couple thoughts for you, from someone who has gone through toddler hell and come out the other side.

She will literally cry for hours until and unless you do exactly what she wants or I get so frustrated I distract/redirect her, which only works some of the time.

This makes me wonder how often you change your no to a yes. Or if you can sometimes be worn down to start offering bribes (“Want more snack? Would watching a show help you feel better? If you stop crying, you can go with Mommy to Starbucks and get a hot chocolate.”) Basically, I wonder if what started as legitimate high-needs behavior is getting reinforced and rewarded.

You also mention that she will follow you from room to room, weeping wailing. What happens when she does? Do you interact with her? (“Larla, you need to stop crying. Larla! Take deep breaths. Larla, let’s breathe together. Iiiiin and ouuuuuuut.”) Or do you cheerfully go about your business? (“Mommy is going into the family room to fold this laundry. Hmmm, I wonder where the other blue sock is.”)

My two cents would be to help her name her feelings (“You’re thinking about how good a sandwich would taste right now, and are frustrated that I can’t make one while I’m driving”), but don’t get sucked into the theatricality they generate. Acknowledge them, but don’t try to solve them. (“I like sandwiches too. Wouldn’t it be great if we could push a button in the car and have it make us a sandwich?”)

“How to Talk So Kids Will Listen” is an oldie but a goodie. Consistency is hard, but so important. Above all, don’t negotiate with terrorists. Give her tons of attention when she’s calm, but grey rock when the dramatics start.

I never offer bribes, and I never ever change no to yes. I do sometimes eventually redirect, which I thought I wasn’t supposed to do because you’re supposed to give them a chance to self-regulate.

While she’s crying and following me, I’m usually trying to ignore while occasionally acknowledging and affirming: “You’re so Upset I won’t sit on the floor and hold your bear for you.” Yes. That’s very hard.”

I think it’s totally fine to sit on the floor and hold her bear unless you are busy with something else or too tired/upset. Don’t deny it out of principle.
-pp who first suggested ASD

And that is what I did for about the first 18 months of her life. Her demands have always been utterly relentless. Sit here, hold this, give me this, do this, say this. At first I thought I was nurturing a strong sense of self and her preferences so I thought it was fine. But as time has gone on I feel like it's not healthy to act like her slave all day. To be clear, she wants me to do something for her nearly every second of the day. It's not just hold the bear once. It's hold the bear, then sit on a specific spot on the floor, no chair allowed, then put this thing on a doll, then say a word this way not that way...it never ends. So I feel I have to refuse a lot of these requests because it's exhausting and also feels extreme and unhealthy. Where should I draw the line?

This is an interesting observation and is something I have observed from some women who stay at home with their kids and also children with overly indulgent mothers. It’s like the mom or nanny works for the kids and it can’t be healthy in the long term. This kind of dynamic is only possible when a mom has few kids and not a lot going or, or a FT nanny.



There’s a possibility your child just got off on the wrong foot when you indulged the child a great bit. A less gentle way to say it is that your child is spoiled. You demonstrated to your child that she’s in charge and your her space to cater to her every need. You don’t have other things to do - it all revolves around your child. All kids are self-centered, but yours is on another level.

Simply ignore your kid. Wear earplugs. I find it hard to believe your child doesn’t act like this with others, but continues to do so with you, and you’re not encouraging the behavior in some way. It’s like the parents who tell you their kids won’t sleep but whenever the kid screams at night they are in their room to comfort them.

Another solution is to put your child in all-day daycare or preschool next school year.

I agree to a certain extent, but she’s been this extreme and needy from birth. Our night doulas agreed she’s the worst sleeper they’ve ever seen, and they are professionals at this. And as an infant, she was this challenging with everyone, not just me. So I do think she’s high needs but yes, I probably accidentally made it worse by being available and not knowing when to say no.

Since she was born have you been away for a few days apart from her? Do you go out for an afternoon without her, or go on date nights?

The moms I know with these high need babies/toddlers never seem to be apart from their kid.

hmm and why do you think that is?

DP: I think it’s because we — especially moms — are wired to care for high needs newborns and infants in a community setting. Many white Western moms don’t HAVE a community setting, and take on the enormous tasks of caring for a newborn in a small nuclear family, which can be isolating and exhausting. For kids with typical development, this high needs period doesn’t last very long. Kids mature, become more independent, their needs change.

For atypical kids, their high needs developmental phase doesn’t always become easier. It actually may become more difficult and more complex. And moms/parents/caregivers often struggle with this by trying to “parent” even harder — perhaps never seeming to be apart from their kid — because the kid seems to be in a perpetual crisis mode, which parents, and indeed, most of us, are wired to soothe. It’s really hard to know when and how to shift from responding to high needs infant-level demands when the kid isn’t developing in ways that naturally provide the cues that indicate to caregivers that it is indeed SAFE and developmentally appropriate to do so.

God bless America for this. Caring for ONE high needs kid - who is my own child - is way better than spending my entire adulthood expected to also take care of other high needs kids. I’m so thankful I have the resources and outsource care as opposed to receiving “free” care and then later expected to provide that same care to others. I do not want to take care of your kids and if I did, I could go work at a preschool.

The village = exploiting unpaid female labor

How nice that that works for you. You must be one of those favored few that “America” has been designed to protect.

For many of us though, our extended family villages are much more mutual and rewarding than yours seems to be. There are advantages and disadvantages to most models. Nice that you’ve found one that works for you. I hope it continues to do so. I’m guessing that you already have plans in place — in the event that you should become infirm at some point, or have some other family needs that require hands-on care.

FWIW - My personal village has included multiple nurturing, caring men as well as women. That’s how my particular village rolls.

Most American women aren’t interested in a village. If they were, they could make it happen. Just like you did.

I don’t want to take care of other people’s kids and don’t expect others to do that for me.

Millions of American parents are parenting and use daycares, preschool, Nannies etc without relying on other people to provide them with unpaid labor. This is a developed country where that’s possible and preferable for most families.