Discipline for excessive crying

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry OP, that sounds really hard.

What’s interesting to me about it is that she only does this with you. That indicates to me there is something about your interaction with her that is “working” for her to keep going through the hysterics. Do you pay her more attention, even negative attention, when she does it? Does she get a ton of empathy? Do you sometimes give in to the waterworks? Those are 2 of the more apparent things that lead to kids keeping up undesirable behaviors. If that’s not it, maybe see if you or your partner are able to identify any differences in how you respond.

Some of the Lansbury stuff is over the top but one thing that I initially thought was ridiculous but is really helpful is the 1:1 time. My challenging child had different undesirable behaviors, but when I started making some time for her as often as I could, every day if I could, it really helped.

I am SAHM because she’s so difficult original nanny quit, plus she wasn’t sleeping at all so I couldn’t work. I spend all day, every day with her, mostly paying total attention to her otherwise she cries for hours. So it’s not a lack of attention. For the last 3-4 months I’ve been trying to set boundaries and do less focusing 100% on her because it’s not realistic or normal life to live that way and I was/am resentful. But this is the result of any boundary-setting and it’s not getting better. If anything, worse. Lansbury claims your kid will get with the program in days. Hmm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think “punish” is the right word but I would lean hard into the “ignore” and stay firm about it, even if she’s making herself vomit.

“Mommy cannot help you when you are so upset. You need to calm down.” Rinse and repeat. Maybe create a “calm down space” with stuffed animals but no human interaction where she can (needs) to go when she’s upset - essentially a time out for excessive crying.

And give lots of positive attention when she is calm. Crying = loses attention. Calm = gets attention. Model how to appropriately express emotions. Point isn’t she can’t express emotions - she just needs to do so in appropriate ways.

+1

[Anonymous]

My dd cried a lot, maybe not to this extreme, but it felt that way. She definitely has anxiety.

Curious how you approach the requests. Let's say she asks for a donut. You say "no donuts! Are you hungry for a snack?" She cries for donuts. "I know you really want a donut. But we don't have donuts. We do have apples! She cheerios! What do you want?"

If you DO have something she wants, do you give in after saying no? If so this could be intermittently reinforcement.

I hate to say but when you said she was speaking so well so early I did wonder if she may be on the spectrum. Could be worth keeping an eye on other indicators. One is rigidity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think “punish” is the right word but I would lean hard into the “ignore” and stay firm about it, even if she’s making herself vomit.

“Mommy cannot help you when you are so upset. You need to calm down.” Rinse and repeat. Maybe create a “calm down space” with stuffed animals but no human interaction where she can (needs) to go when she’s upset - essentially a time out for excessive crying.

And give lots of positive attention when she is calm. Crying = loses attention. Calm = gets attention. Model how to appropriately express emotions. Point isn’t she can’t express emotions - she just needs to do so in appropriate ways.

+1

OP here, I think this is a great response. Any advice on how I can keep myself calm to listen to what will probably be hours and hours of crying in her time out space? She’s spent her whole life crying and it raises my blood pressure and makes me panic because my experience is it never ends, so I really struggle to stay neutral and calm.

[Anonymous]

We had kiddie yoga vids that we did that helped work on emotional regulation concepts. Maybe you could find on YT or Amazon? Some kids really DO lag re: emotional regulation, it's really important to model that for them and to step away when you need breaks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think “punish” is the right word but I would lean hard into the “ignore” and stay firm about it, even if she’s making herself vomit.

“Mommy cannot help you when you are so upset. You need to calm down.” Rinse and repeat. Maybe create a “calm down space” with stuffed animals but no human interaction where she can (needs) to go when she’s upset - essentially a time out for excessive crying.

And give lots of positive attention when she is calm. Crying = loses attention. Calm = gets attention. Model how to appropriately express emotions. Point isn’t she can’t express emotions - she just needs to do so in appropriate ways.

+1

OP here, I think this is a great response. Any advice on how I can keep myself calm to listen to what will probably be hours and hours of crying in her time out space? She’s spent her whole life crying and it raises my blood pressure and makes me panic because my experience is it never ends, so I really struggle to stay neutral and calm.

I think she picks up on that and panics herself. Focusing on your own emotional regulation could benefit you both - yoga, meditation, accepting feelings as they come and go, etc. I had a child like this and it really pushed my buttons, trying to focus on her accomplished little. When I built up my own regulation and tolerance and framed it as being a safe container for her to express her feelings, keeping her sense of attachment secure, it started to help. It is super hard but you both may be easily dysregulated.

[Anonymous]

Maybe you need to get more activities? Work part time?

I have a child like this and honestly working pt saved me. I think it made me a better mom when I was around her too, I just had more bandwidth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's interesting that she only does it with you. That is good! What about offering her a reward for not crying. I'd usually say 2ish is a bit too young for a rewards chart, but, since she is so verbal it could be worth a try.

Is it ok from an emotional perspective to incentivize not crying? Everything I’ve read says that crying in and of itself is not a problem. So does rewards for not crying send an inappropriate message that crying is bad? Sorry for dumb questions. I’m really struggling.

Hi OP. Throw Janet Lansbury in the trash and call a trained child psychologist who specializes in parent management training. You absolutely can ignore behavior you want to reduce. The crying sounds like it is to get attention. It’s not neglectful for you to set up a plan to try to reduce it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's interesting that she only does it with you. That is good! What about offering her a reward for not crying. I'd usually say 2ish is a bit too young for a rewards chart, but, since she is so verbal it could be worth a try.

Is it ok from an emotional perspective to incentivize not crying? Everything I’ve read says that crying in and of itself is not a problem. So does rewards for not crying send an inappropriate message that crying is bad? Sorry for dumb questions. I’m really struggling.

Hi OP. Throw Janet Lansbury in the trash and call a trained child psychologist who specializes in parent management training. You absolutely can ignore behavior you want to reduce. The crying sounds like it is to get attention. It’s not neglectful for you to set up a plan to try to reduce it.

Thank you. Any recommendations on an east coast psychologist?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We had kiddie yoga vids that we did that helped work on emotional regulation concepts. Maybe you could find on YT or Amazon? Some kids really DO lag re: emotional regulation, it's really important to model that for them and to step away when you need breaks.

I can’t step away unfortunately. There’s no one home with me to watch her. She’ll follow me room to room weeping and screaming. Those are usually our worst episodes because I desperately need a break, can’t get one, and get so, so overstimulated and frustrated with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry OP, that sounds really hard.

What’s interesting to me about it is that she only does this with you. That indicates to me there is something about your interaction with her that is “working” for her to keep going through the hysterics. Do you pay her more attention, even negative attention, when she does it? Does she get a ton of empathy? Do you sometimes give in to the waterworks? Those are 2 of the more apparent things that lead to kids keeping up undesirable behaviors. If that’s not it, maybe see if you or your partner are able to identify any differences in how you respond.

Some of the Lansbury stuff is over the top but one thing that I initially thought was ridiculous but is really helpful is the 1:1 time. My challenging child had different undesirable behaviors, but when I started making some time for her as often as I could, every day if I could, it really helped.

I am SAHM because she’s so difficult original nanny quit, plus she wasn’t sleeping at all so I couldn’t work. I spend all day, every day with her, mostly paying total attention to her otherwise she cries for hours. So it’s not a lack of attention. For the last 3-4 months I’ve been trying to set boundaries and do less focusing 100% on her because it’s not realistic or normal life to live that way and I was/am resentful. But this is the result of any boundary-setting and it’s not getting better. If anything, worse. Lansbury claims your kid will get with the program in days. Hmm.

DP. Maybe it’s time to get her in to a group care situation where her needs aren’t the only needs? Even part time? She’s used to being the center of your every minute of every day and getting absolutely everything she wants. Maybe she’s ready to take that step into a different environment?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry OP, that sounds really hard.

What’s interesting to me about it is that she only does this with you. That indicates to me there is something about your interaction with her that is “working” for her to keep going through the hysterics. Do you pay her more attention, even negative attention, when she does it? Does she get a ton of empathy? Do you sometimes give in to the waterworks? Those are 2 of the more apparent things that lead to kids keeping up undesirable behaviors. If that’s not it, maybe see if you or your partner are able to identify any differences in how you respond.

Some of the Lansbury stuff is over the top but one thing that I initially thought was ridiculous but is really helpful is the 1:1 time. My challenging child had different undesirable behaviors, but when I started making some time for her as often as I could, every day if I could, it really helped.

I am SAHM because she’s so difficult original nanny quit, plus she wasn’t sleeping at all so I couldn’t work. I spend all day, every day with her, mostly paying total attention to her otherwise she cries for hours. So it’s not a lack of attention. For the last 3-4 months I’ve been trying to set boundaries and do less focusing 100% on her because it’s not realistic or normal life to live that way and I was/am resentful. But this is the result of any boundary-setting and it’s not getting better. If anything, worse. Lansbury claims your kid will get with the program in days. Hmm.

DP. Maybe it’s time to get her in to a group care situation where her needs aren’t the only needs? Even part time? She’s used to being the center of your every minute of every day and getting absolutely everything she wants. Maybe she’s ready to take that step into a different environment?

But she already goes to a babysitter part time and has for over a year. Then she comes home and behaves this way. I can’t seem to break the cycle with just me. She’s perfect for everyone else or in classes, other settings, etc. how do I fix it with ME?

[Anonymous]

Oh man. DD was like this. Super high needs baby, toddlerhood was terrible, and super verbal.

She is 9 now and a true delight. So sweet and thoughtful and wonderful. It changed around age 5. She is still sensitive, but she is really wonderful.

I learned how to tune it out. I would tell her that she needed to take deep breaths so she could speak so that I could understand her. I would practice deep breathing with her. It helped a little. But really just time.

[Anonymous]

That’s because you keep giving it life. If you don’t ignore that child and keep on moving on nobody else can help you. The crying is fake

[Anonymous]

I would work on naming her emotions, it will give her the emotional vocabulary and make her feel heard by you. Can you look up home based therapeutic play therapy, maybe some one on one dedicated play therapy techniques would help her feel more in control. That she is like this with you means you’re her safe person where she can let it out.