Wife is super rigid about showing up on time

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Clearly 15 mins is unrealistic. Change the out-the-door time to 30 mins and everyone can relax.

It seems like it makes sense, but it is just going to displace the moment of freakout to getting stuck for traffic or construction or wev.

Why is that? They only live 15 mins away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Team wife.

I guarantee there is more to this story, and it most likely involves DH always waiting until the last minute to get the kid ready, resulting in everyone always being late.

All of you who believe "5pm" really means "5:15" or "5:30" don't host much, do you?

Where did OP say their help was needed by his ILs?

It's a PITA to get everything ready for guests and then stand around for 15, 20, 30 or more minutes wondering when they plan to arrive.

I've set the expectation with my family and friends that whatever time we agree to meet, I will be there at that time. Not 5 minutes earlier, not 5 minutes late. At that time. I often wait in my car for a few minutes because I have arrived early, but I am knocking on the door at the agreed time. And I expect them to do the same.

Don't be coy and say "5pm" and then be in your bathrobe when your guests arrive. If you don't want people to come until 5:30, say so.

This must be regional. I live in NYC and it would be rude, flat out rude, to show up at a party at the stated time. Like a huge gaffe. The host(ess) would be gracious, but you would be the only guest for at least 20 minutes.

A party and a seated, plated dinner are very different things.

This. And it's different if they are your aging parents, you're not just any guest, more of a helper.

If people are expecting help, they need to be a bit more flexible. I don’t help anyone who biotches at me about being a little late.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I dated a guy who was chronically late and I would sometimes just leave. Sometimes he wouldn't even pay enough attention to notice when I did, and then be completely stunned by what time it was and that I was gone. He was better after ADHD medication. But sometimes drastic action is what it takes to give someone a reality check.

Glad you didn't marry him. He probably also missed deadlines.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm secondhand embarrassed for all these people railing on OP when they don't know basic good manners for visiting people. (I suspect a dose of misnadry, but I wouldn't accuse it.)

An invitation to arrive at 5 means you should arrive *after* 5. It's rude to crash a host before they are ready, and absurd to arrive exactly at a specific minute.

A good host announces 2 times: an "arrive after" time, and a "dinner is served" ("arive before") time.

https://emilypost.com/advice/party-etiquette-tips-for-hosts-and-guests

WTAF?? Did you even read your linked source?

#2 in How to Be a Good Guest says BE ON TIME. Your link literally says guest should arrive AT or a little after (no more than 15 min) the time stated on the invitation. Nowhere does it say it’s absurd to arrive on the dot.

Which is exactly what OP did.

Do you have a teleporter? How do you get somewhere *exactly* at a time?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Clearly 15 mins is unrealistic. Change the out-the-door time to 30 mins and everyone can relax.

It seems like it makes sense, but it is just going to displace the moment of freakout to getting stuck for traffic or construction or wev.

Why is that? They only live 15 mins away.

You’re not from around here, are you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe she was sick of dealing with your kid and trying to teach you a lesson to plan ahead better and to get ready _before_ it’s time to leave.

As the mom, I was always doing the wrangling of little kids to get out the door while my DH sorta waited to the last minute. It was pretty annoying. I never made a big stink about it because he did lots of other things, but I could see myself doing something passive aggressive like this if I were really fed up. Frankly I probably did once or twice.

+1 this is totally inappropriate to leave OP dealing with the kid. It's their kid and this is a dinner at the DW's parents. I would just stay home with my kid and skip the dinner if my spouse treated me that way.

Going to a dinner reservation, show, event with friends etc is different. Or obviously a flight, wedding. But dinner at DW own parents' house is not something a normal person should get so worked up about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe she was sick of dealing with your kid and trying to teach you a lesson to plan ahead better and to get ready _before_ it’s time to leave.

As the mom, I was always doing the wrangling of little kids to get out the door while my DH sorta waited to the last minute. It was pretty annoying. I never made a big stink about it because he did lots of other things, but I could see myself doing something passive aggressive like this if I were really fed up. Frankly I probably did once or twice.

+1 this is totally inappropriate to leave OP dealing with the kid. It's their kid and this is a dinner at the DW's parents. I would just stay home with my kid and skip the dinner if my spouse treated me that way.

Going to a dinner reservation, show, event with friends etc is different. Or obviously a flight, wedding. But dinner at DW own parents' house is not something a normal person should get so worked up about.

Oops I'm PP and I added my +1 to the wrong post, haha. That earlier PP said the opposite!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not wanting to be late is normal, but running out to her parents house and leaving you and the child behind instead of just texting her folks that y’all would be late is definitely weird. What are her parents like? Do they seem like they’d flip if she was late?

Agree!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm secondhand embarrassed for all these people railing on OP when they don't know basic good manners for visiting people. (I suspect a dose of misnadry, but I wouldn't accuse it.)

An invitation to arrive at 5 means you should arrive *after* 5. It's rude to crash a host before they are ready, and absurd to arrive exactly at a specific minute.

A good host announces 2 times: an "arrive after" time, and a "dinner is served" ("arive before") time.

https://emilypost.com/advice/party-etiquette-tips-for-hosts-and-guests

WTAF?? Did you even read your linked source?

#2 in How to Be a Good Guest says BE ON TIME. Your link literally says guest should arrive AT or a little after (no more than 15 min) the time stated on the invitation. Nowhere does it say it’s absurd to arrive on the dot.

Which is exactly what OP did.

Do you have a teleporter? How do you get somewhere *exactly* at a time?

You plan ahead. If you arrive early, you sit in the car reading snarky DCUM comments until the clock strikes Party Time.

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Team OP.

Have any of you ever lived with a 3 year old? They’re bonkers. Storming off to a family dinner because a 3 year old is hard to manage for a few minutes is lunacy.

Next time something like this happens, tell your wife to text her mother that you’ll be a few minutes late. And get her screened for anxiety. This is no way to live. [/quote]

It’s also bad messaging to the child that they’re a nuisance. Not cool, mom. [/quote]

It's okay for children to learn that bad behavior has natural consequnces. And I think the wife was reasonable to keep her parents somewhat happy while leaving Mr. Laid Back to manage this totally forseeable problem. He can be as late as he wants, la di da![/quote]

Natural consequences being “Mom takes off”?

I don’t think that’s what the “natural consequences” people would endorse.[/quote]

Other people choosing not to wait for you is the natural consequence, yes, and that is okay. It's fine for the child to learn that families balance the needs of all members. It isn't good to yell or slam the door or whatever, but if you say to the kid "I'm going to leave now so that I'm on time for Grammy and Grandpa. You can get ready with Dad and come in the other car." If the kid really cares that much who they ride with, maybe they'll try harder next time.[/quote]

Lol, does the kid even care? They’d probably be just as happy staying home playing with their toys. [/quote]

Natural consequence is dad and kid enjoy a nice dinner at home, while mom and her parents enjoy another tense family dinner. Grandparents don't get to see th grandkid until grandparents and mom learn to chill out.[/quote]

Agree. You’re a good partner, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Team wife.

I guarantee there is more to this story, and it most likely involves DH always waiting until the last minute to get the kid ready, resulting in everyone always being late.

All of you who believe "5pm" really means "5:15" or "5:30" don't host much, do you?

It's a PITA to get everything ready for guests and then stand around for 15, 20, 30 or more minutes wondering when they plan to arrive.

I've set the expectation with my family and friends that whatever time we agree to meet, I will be there at that time. Not 5 minutes earlier, not 5 minutes late. At that time. I often wait in my car for a few minutes because I have arrived early, but I am knocking on the door at the agreed time. And I expect them to do the same.

Don't be coy and say "5pm" and then be in your bathrobe when your guests arrive. If you don't want people to come until 5:30, say so.

This must be regional. I live in NYC and it would be rude, flat out rude, to show up at a party at the stated time. Like a huge gaffe. The host(ess) would be gracious, but you would be the only guest for at least 20 minutes.

m

This exactly. I get annoyed when guests show up exactly on the dot. Much preferred if they come 15-20 minutes late

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe she was sick of dealing with your kid and trying to teach you a lesson to plan ahead better and to get ready _before_ it’s time to leave.

As the mom, I was always doing the wrangling of little kids to get out the door while my DH sorta waited to the last minute. It was pretty annoying. I never made a big stink about it because he did lots of other things, but I could see myself doing something passive aggressive like this if I were really fed up. Frankly I probably did once or twice.

+1 this is totally inappropriate to leave OP dealing with the kid. It's their kid and this is a dinner at the DW's parents. I would just stay home with my kid and skip the dinner if my spouse treated me that way.

Going to a dinner reservation, show, event with friends etc is different. Or obviously a flight, wedding. But dinner at DW own parents' house is not something a normal person should get so worked up about.

Lol. I bet you would.
Always do what you want, when you want, how you want. It’s the secret to happiness.

[Anonymous]

Wife sounds cuckoo to me.
Who rushes out like that?
You need to introduce her to island time

[Anonymous]

I had a friend do this when we were running late for something once. Super anxious ex military. The best part was we both arrived at the same time, I pulled into the parking space right next to them. I’d had better luck with traffic and had taken a different route. Left 15 mins after them due to an unforeseen complication. They pretended it never happened. 😂

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Clearly 15 mins is unrealistic. Change the out-the-door time to 30 mins and everyone can relax.

It seems like it makes sense, but it is just going to displace the moment of freakout to getting stuck for traffic or construction or wev.

Why is that? They only live 15 mins away.

You’re not from around here, are you?

OP said they were 15 mins from his ILs.