Wife is super rigid about showing up on time

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Team wife.

I guarantee there is more to this story, and it most likely involves DH always waiting until the last minute to get the kid ready, resulting in everyone always being late.

All of you who believe "5pm" really means "5:15" or "5:30" don't host much, do you?

It's a PITA to get everything ready for guests and then stand around for 15, 20, 30 or more minutes wondering when they plan to arrive.

I've set the expectation with my family and friends that whatever time we agree to meet, I will be there at that time. Not 5 minutes earlier, not 5 minutes late. At that time. I often wait in my car for a few minutes because I have arrived early, but I am knocking on the door at the agreed time. And I expect them to do the same.

Don't be coy and say "5pm" and then be in your bathrobe when your guests arrive. If you don't want people to come until 5:30, say so.

This must be regional. I live in NYC and it would be rude, flat out rude, to show up at a party at the stated time. Like a huge gaffe. The host(ess) would be gracious, but you would be the only guest for at least 20 minutes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Team wife

Yes. Civilized people are on time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Team wife.

I guarantee there is more to this story, and it most likely involves DH always waiting until the last minute to get the kid ready, resulting in everyone always being late.

All of you who believe "5pm" really means "5:15" or "5:30" don't host much, do you?

It's a PITA to get everything ready for guests and then stand around for 15, 20, 30 or more minutes wondering when they plan to arrive.

I've set the expectation with my family and friends that whatever time we agree to meet, I will be there at that time. Not 5 minutes earlier, not 5 minutes late. At that time. I often wait in my car for a few minutes because I have arrived early, but I am knocking on the door at the agreed time. And I expect them to do the same.

Don't be coy and say "5pm" and then be in your bathrobe when your guests arrive. If you don't want people to come until 5:30, say so.

This must be regional. I live in NYC and it would be rude, flat out rude, to show up at a party at the stated time. Like a huge gaffe. The host(ess) would be gracious, but you would be the only guest for at least 20 minutes.

A party and a seated, plated dinner are very different things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Team wife.

I guarantee there is more to this story, and it most likely involves DH always waiting until the last minute to get the kid ready, resulting in everyone always being late.

All of you who believe "5pm" really means "5:15" or "5:30" don't host much, do you?

It's a PITA to get everything ready for guests and then stand around for 15, 20, 30 or more minutes wondering when they plan to arrive.

I've set the expectation with my family and friends that whatever time we agree to meet, I will be there at that time. Not 5 minutes earlier, not 5 minutes late. At that time. I often wait in my car for a few minutes because I have arrived early, but I am knocking on the door at the agreed time. And I expect them to do the same.

Don't be coy and say "5pm" and then be in your bathrobe when your guests arrive. If you don't want people to come until 5:30, say so.

This must be regional. I live in NYC and it would be rude, flat out rude, to show up at a party at the stated time. Like a huge gaffe. The host(ess) would be gracious, but you would be the only guest for at least 20 minutes.

A party and a seated, plated dinner are very different things.

This. And it's different if they are your aging parents, you're not just any guest, more of a helper.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm secondhand embarrassed for all these people railing on OP when they don't know basic good manners for visiting people. (I suspect a dose of misnadry, but I wouldn't accuse it.)

An invitation to arrive at 5 means you should arrive *after* 5. It's rude to crash a host before they are ready, and absurd to arrive exactly at a specific minute.

A good host announces 2 times: an "arrive after" time, and a "dinner is served" ("arive before") time.

https://emilypost.com/advice/party-etiquette-tips-for-hosts-and-guests

WTAF?? Did you even read your linked source?

#2 in How to Be a Good Guest says BE ON TIME. Your link literally says guest should arrive AT or a little after (no more than 15 min) the time stated on the invitation. Nowhere does it say it’s absurd to arrive on the dot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not wanting to be late is normal, but running out to her parents house and leaving you and the child behind instead of just texting her folks that y’all would be late is definitely weird. What are her parents like? Do they seem like they’d flip if she was late?

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Team wife.

I guarantee there is more to this story, and it most likely involves DH always waiting until the last minute to get the kid ready, resulting in everyone always being late.

All of you who believe "5pm" really means "5:15" or "5:30" don't host much, do you?

It's a PITA to get everything ready for guests and then stand around for 15, 20, 30 or more minutes wondering when they plan to arrive.

I've set the expectation with my family and friends that whatever time we agree to meet, I will be there at that time. Not 5 minutes earlier, not 5 minutes late. At that time. I often wait in my car for a few minutes because I have arrived early, but I am knocking on the door at the agreed time. And I expect them to do the same.

Don't be coy and say "5pm" and then be in your bathrobe when your guests arrive. If you don't want people to come until 5:30, say so.

This must be regional. I live in NYC and it would be rude, flat out rude, to show up at a party at the stated time. Like a huge gaffe. The host(ess) would be gracious, but you would be the only guest for at least 20 minutes.

A party and a seated, plated dinner are very different things.

Oh, please. OP says this was a casual dinner. Any host that can’t flex a sit-down time by 15 minutes isn’t a very experienced host.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm secondhand embarrassed for all these people railing on OP when they don't know basic good manners for visiting people. (I suspect a dose of misnadry, but I wouldn't accuse it.)

An invitation to arrive at 5 means you should arrive *after* 5. It's rude to crash a host before they are ready, and absurd to arrive exactly at a specific minute.

A good host announces 2 times: an "arrive after" time, and a "dinner is served" ("arive before") time.

https://emilypost.com/advice/party-etiquette-tips-for-hosts-and-guests

Thank you for this. I suspect all these “you must show up exactly on time or else it’s disrespectful”and “if you’re on time you’re late” posters don’t actually get invited to many social events in people’s homes. Even Emily Post acknowledges a 15 minute grace window for arriving and has the sense to tell people dear lord do NOT show up before your invite time. I find it amusing how many people think they’re so much superior for their rigid adherence to time, but they’re actually the ones struggling with social norms.

That link literally says BE ON TIME. The invite time plus a 15 min grace period is acceptable. Showing at 5 for a 5pm party is acceptable to Emily Post. (Wonder why it’s called a grace period?)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Team wife.

I guarantee there is more to this story, and it most likely involves DH always waiting until the last minute to get the kid ready, resulting in everyone always being late.

All of you who believe "5pm" really means "5:15" or "5:30" don't host much, do you?

It's a PITA to get everything ready for guests and then stand around for 15, 20, 30 or more minutes wondering when they plan to arrive.

I've set the expectation with my family and friends that whatever time we agree to meet, I will be there at that time. Not 5 minutes earlier, not 5 minutes late. At that time. I often wait in my car for a few minutes because I have arrived early, but I am knocking on the door at the agreed time. And I expect them to do the same.

Don't be coy and say "5pm" and then be in your bathrobe when your guests arrive. If you don't want people to come until 5:30, say so.

This must be regional. I live in NYC and it would be rude, flat out rude, to show up at a party at the stated time. Like a huge gaffe. The host(ess) would be gracious, but you would be the only guest for at least 20 minutes.

A party and a seated, plated dinner are very different things.

This. And it's different if they are your aging parents, you're not just any guest, more of a helper.

If people are expecting help, they need to be a bit more flexible. I don’t help anyone who biotches at me about being a little late.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Team wife.

I guarantee there is more to this story, and it most likely involves DH always waiting until the last minute to get the kid ready, resulting in everyone always being late.

All of you who believe "5pm" really means "5:15" or "5:30" don't host much, do you?

It's a PITA to get everything ready for guests and then stand around for 15, 20, 30 or more minutes wondering when they plan to arrive.

I've set the expectation with my family and friends that whatever time we agree to meet, I will be there at that time. Not 5 minutes earlier, not 5 minutes late. At that time. I often wait in my car for a few minutes because I have arrived early, but I am knocking on the door at the agreed time. And I expect them to do the same.

Don't be coy and say "5pm" and then be in your bathrobe when your guests arrive. If you don't want people to come until 5:30, say so.

This must be regional. I live in NYC and it would be rude, flat out rude, to show up at a party at the stated time. Like a huge gaffe. The host(ess) would be gracious, but you would be the only guest for at least 20 minutes.

This is ridiculous. If you want people there at 6:30, say it’s at 6:30, not 6.

What is the point of this NYC norm?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Team OP.

Have any of you ever lived with a 3 year old? They’re bonkers. Storming off to a family dinner because a 3 year old is hard to manage for a few minutes is lunacy.

Next time something like this happens, tell your wife to text her mother that you’ll be a few minutes late. And get her screened for anxiety. This is no way to live.

It’s also bad messaging to the child that they’re a nuisance. Not cool, mom.

It's okay for children to learn that bad behavior has natural consequnces. And I think the wife was reasonable to keep her parents somewhat happy while leaving Mr. Laid Back to manage this totally forseeable problem. He can be as late as he wants, la di da!

Natural consequences being “Mom takes off”?

I don’t think that’s what the “natural consequences” people would endorse.

Other people choosing not to wait for you is the natural consequence, yes, and that is okay. It's fine for the child to learn that families balance the needs of all members. It isn't good to yell or slam the door or whatever, but if you say to the kid "I'm going to leave now so that I'm on time for Grammy and Grandpa. You can get ready with Dad and come in the other car." If the kid really cares that much who they ride with, maybe they'll try harder next time.

Yeah, it would be reasonable at an older age. Not at 3.

No, that's exactly when you want to lay the groundwork on this very basic concept.

Not by taking off on a 3 year old in nearly any circumstance. And: not by running out the door having an anxiety attack about being late. At any age.

[Anonymous]

Team wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Team wife

Yes. Civilized people are on time.

Civilized people don't abandon their family to meet a time table.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Team wife.

I guarantee there is more to this story, and it most likely involves DH always waiting until the last minute to get the kid ready, resulting in everyone always being late.

All of you who believe "5pm" really means "5:15" or "5:30" don't host much, do you?

It's a PITA to get everything ready for guests and then stand around for 15, 20, 30 or more minutes wondering when they plan to arrive.

I've set the expectation with my family and friends that whatever time we agree to meet, I will be there at that time. Not 5 minutes earlier, not 5 minutes late. At that time. I often wait in my car for a few minutes because I have arrived early, but I am knocking on the door at the agreed time. And I expect them to do the same.

Don't be coy and say "5pm" and then be in your bathrobe when your guests arrive. If you don't want people to come until 5:30, say so.

This must be regional. I live in NYC and it would be rude, flat out rude, to show up at a party at the stated time. Like a huge gaffe. The host(ess) would be gracious, but you would be the only guest for at least 20 minutes.

Irrelevant to weekly dinner at grandmas with a 3 yo who prob goes to bed at 7:30pm. Fashionably late is irrelevant to a Manhattan cocktail party w late catered dinner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My wife has always been very rigid about showing up on time to places when we’re meeting up with other people. In her mind, showing up late shows a lack of respect for someone else’s time. While I agree with her somewhat, I think there’s some nuance to this. I’ve mostly just gone with it during our marriage, but a recent incident has me rethinking my approach.

Last night, we were going over to her parents house for dinner. It wasn’t for any special occasion, just your run of the mill Saturday night dinner. My MIL told my wife to come over at 5:00, which means we’d have to leave our house by 4:45. As we’re getting ready to leave, our three year old daughter was being a handful, nothing over the top, just typica three year old behavior (running around the house while trying to get her shoes on, spilling her water, etc) As we’re both trying to get out daughter situated and in the car, wife looks at the time, notices it’s 445 and says “we’re going to be late! I’ll go there now and you can meet us there!” And just walks out the door and leaves. I continued to get out daughter ready, which took about another 10 minutes, and then left in the other car. We got to in-laws house, and everything was fine.

After we got home, I asked my wife why it was such a big deal to get there on time. She reiterated that her Mom asked us to get there at 5, so they were expecting us, and it’s not respectful of their time to show up late. I countered with the fact that we weren’t tying to be disrespectful, but sometimes thing happen, and we were only going to be 10 minutes late. It’s not like this was a restaurant where they would have given away our reservation, if we showed up 10 minutes late, life would have gone on. However, my wife kept saying how it’s not respectful of their time, etc etc.

We didn’t really come to a conclusion about it, but is my wife being unnecessarily rigid about this? Or am I being too laid back?

I'm sure I've done something similar to my husband, though I usually take my kids with me so we can all be on time and he is on his own to get there. It's not out of animosity, but it's important to me to be on time so that no one is waiting on me, and important for the kids to be on time to their sports/school so that they can get adjusted. The consequence is that he is left to catch up.

If it was up to him, they would be 10ish minutes late to school, their sports and all outings. I don't know why he can't just start whatever process 10 minutes earlier? But he can't. So I adjusted.

It feels like you are similarly blase about being on time? I can totally sympathize with your wife and I think she is correct to go on her own timeline. Being late because of your spouse is infuriating.