Parents of three, do you feel less bonded to your third?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The self righteousness of parents with two or less children commenting on this thread is laughable. The subject is "Parents of three...." and yet here you are, four pages into it with these mean and usless comments. Go away!

Three is perfect and I believe there's a season for every child; give yourself grace OP - we all have a stage that is hardest for us to parent and that usually makes the bonding harder as well. I have three, all the same gender and while every relationship is different, I believe they'd all say they are the favorite or least favorite depending on the day.

I don't think the input of other parents with 3 kids is that helpful when the impulse is to say "is love them all equally" or "no this is not a problem." For OP, it is a concern, so those responses aren't useful.

Whereas the responses from people who grew up in 3 kid families are actually useful. People are saying "here's what worked, here's what didn't." It's productive because OP can read them and get real input that could help her now. Even hearing from people who resented being one of three is useful, because if they explain why, OP can avoid those pitfalls.

I think the most useful advice on this thread is a to make sure all your kids have a firm role and identity in the family. That's advice specific to 3 kid families that not everyone heeds but can make a real difference in family harmony.

But op said her therapist asked her to ask other parents of three how they felt about their third. So your opinion doesn’t really matter.

OP is a pathological lying troll though because no parent of three kids knows no otter parents of three kids and no therapist tells a patient to go out and ask parents of three kids if they feel bonded to the third. OP just wants to put families of three down so she started a thread under ridiculous pretenses to do that and has been sick puppeting the entire time to stir the pot. Why anyone feels entitled to judge larger or smaller families is crazy to me. I don’t care if someone only wants one or two kids and no one should care that I have three kids. An optimal number of kids differs in each family. And the idea that any birth order position is inherently ruinous is stupid.

Is anybody other than this highly defensive/insecure PP getting troll or pot-stirring vibes from the OP? I'm not! I think she just meant that she isn't close enough with any other 3-kid moms to ask them this question IRL. Not that she literally isn't acquainted with any families with 3 kids. And I don't think she said anything disparaging about families with three kids either. FWIW, I always wanted 3 kids. I have only 2 due to secondary infertility. The age gap between my two is very large, and I did find it hard to bond with the baby when my older child was already like this whole real cool person, not just a toddler/preschooler. It was like the juxtaposition or something just made it harder. But that feeling passed rather shortly.

Nope. She said she didn’t know any parents of three, hon. But you’re probably the OP sock puppeting so glad you’re able to clarify your lie.

I'm truly not the OP. Truly. Is there a way to check -- please please do. I know what the OP said, I'm telling you how I read it. Look I don't get troll vibes here. Maybe I'm wrong!

[Anonymous]

[twitter]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These middle children sure sound like the stereotype! No responsibility for themselves, just blame for others. Marcia, Marcia,Marcia. I haven’t met middle children who fit the stereotype so well!

Thankfully, my middle child is nothing like that.

Again, personalities not birth order.

The stereotype is not for middle children to be irresponsible -- if anything they are often over-responsible because they are expected to be very independent from a young age.

The "irresponsible" stereotype gets assigned to youngest children, who don't always have incentive to develop independence and self-reliance because there is always someone older around to help them out.

One thing I'll note is that I'm always skeptical of parents who claim that certain negative dynamics don't exist in their family. Until I hear it from the kids (ALL the kids, not just the ones who are happy), I remain skeptical.

Would love to hear from your kids…

DP
So many books an actual studies on this. You really want to hear antidotes from PPs children?

Since as a parent of two you’ve clearly read all the books and studies on three children, so please cite them here. Would love exact quotes and page numbers. And you seem highly defensive…you seem to assume that as a parent of two kids your kids are well-adjusted, but I bet you’re a narcissist with an enabling husband who has a golden child and a scapegoat child. Your kids are probably terribly f*cked up in their own special ways. Glad you stopped before three.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The self righteousness of parents with two or less children commenting on this thread is laughable. The subject is "Parents of three...." and yet here you are, four pages into it with these mean and usless comments. Go away!

Three is perfect and I believe there's a season for every child; give yourself grace OP - we all have a stage that is hardest for us to parent and that usually makes the bonding harder as well. I have three, all the same gender and while every relationship is different, I believe they'd all say they are the favorite or least favorite depending on the day.

I don't think the input of other parents with 3 kids is that helpful when the impulse is to say "is love them all equally" or "no this is not a problem." For OP, it is a concern, so those responses aren't useful.

Whereas the responses from people who grew up in 3 kid families are actually useful. People are saying "here's what worked, here's what didn't." It's productive because OP can read them and get real input that could help her now. Even hearing from people who resented being one of three is useful, because if they explain why, OP can avoid those pitfalls.

I think the most useful advice on this thread is a to make sure all your kids have a firm role and identity in the family. That's advice specific to 3 kid families that not everyone heeds but can make a real difference in family harmony.

But op said her therapist asked her to ask other parents of three how they felt about their third. So your opinion doesn’t really matter.

OP is a pathological lying troll though because no parent of three kids knows no otter parents of three kids and no therapist tells a patient to go out and ask parents of three kids if they feel bonded to the third. OP just wants to put families of three down so she started a thread under ridiculous pretenses to do that and has been sick puppeting the entire time to stir the pot. Why anyone feels entitled to judge larger or smaller families is crazy to me. I don’t care if someone only wants one or two kids and no one should care that I have three kids. An optimal number of kids differs in each family. And the idea that any birth order position is inherently ruinous is stupid.

Is anybody other than this highly defensive/insecure PP getting troll or pot-stirring vibes from the OP? I'm not! I think she just meant that she isn't close enough with any other 3-kid moms to ask them this question IRL. Not that she literally isn't acquainted with any families with 3 kids. And I don't think she said anything disparaging about families with three kids either. FWIW, I always wanted 3 kids. I have only 2 due to secondary infertility. The age gap between my two is very large, and I did find it hard to bond with the baby when my older child was already like this whole real cool person, not just a toddler/preschooler. It was like the juxtaposition or something just made it harder. But that feeling passed rather shortly.

Nope. She said she didn’t know any parents of three, hon. But you’re probably the OP sock puppeting so glad you’re able to clarify your lie.

I'm truly not the OP. Truly. Is there a way to check -- please please do. I know what the OP said, I'm telling you how I read it. Look I don't get troll vibes here. Maybe I'm wrong!

Me again. Also, why attack me of all people? I shared that this happened to me as a mom of 2; in other words, I do not think that OP's feelings are a function of having a large family. I'm not putting down large families in the slightest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's the thing. I am not mad, I am annoyed by the typical DCUM inability to read, reflect and respond if/only if you have thoughtful and on topic advice. I don't care if it's not "perfect" advice or advice I would give, but it has to follow some sort of general thought process...

A parent of three children asked specifically about losing/lack of bond with their third children.

Aside from a few comments from parents of three, the direction the comments took became "here's why you shouldn't have three children and why middle children are the worst, mainly because they don't get enough love or attention ([/b]all while subtly implying no one with a sane brain or decent job or concern for their children would have more than 2)[b]. That's common DCUM narrative and its both not helpful in this particular situation and also annoying to hear again and again from a particular (loud) group of self righteous people.

In many other parts of the country and for much of our history 3, 4, and 5 children were not only normal but considered a healthy and thriving family. No one says it is easy - and why ADVICE could be so helpful here. But the beating of up of larger families is tiresome.

I‘m not “implying” this. I truly believe it. The same way you believe that your life and your kids lives are “better” because there are more of them.

NP- Ok and what is your point? Are you suggesting we get rid of one of our three kids? Does it make you feel better to come into a thread and tell us we had too many kids? Seriously tend to your own garden.

It’s an anonymous Internet forum. If you don’t like it, don’t read it.

I could say the same to you. And yet you're spending your precious minutes on earth involving yourself in a thread that has nothing to do with you. Thank god you stopped at two kids.

I’m not having a bad time here. You are. I’m just fine and use DCUM purely for train wreck style entertainment. The same way people watch Bravo.

Thank G-d you stopped at two (or hopefully one). The world needs fewer people like you. Praying your children are sterile and it just ends there…Is this better than Bravo now?

DP
Did you read how mean YOUR post is? The world needs fewer mean judgmental people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:[twitter]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These middle children sure sound like the stereotype! No responsibility for themselves, just blame for others. Marcia, Marcia,Marcia. I haven’t met middle children who fit the stereotype so well!

Thankfully, my middle child is nothing like that.

Again, personalities not birth order.

The stereotype is not for middle children to be irresponsible -- if anything they are often over-responsible because they are expected to be very independent from a young age.

The "irresponsible" stereotype gets assigned to youngest children, who don't always have incentive to develop independence and self-reliance because there is always someone older around to help them out.

One thing I'll note is that I'm always skeptical of parents who claim that certain negative dynamics don't exist in their family. Until I hear it from the kids (ALL the kids, not just the ones who are happy), I remain skeptical.

Would love to hear from your kids…

DP
So many books an actual studies on this. You really want to hear antidotes from PPs children?

Since as a parent of two you’ve clearly read all the books and studies on three children, so please cite them here. Would love exact quotes and page numbers. And you seem highly defensive…you seem to assume that as a parent of two kids your kids are well-adjusted, but I bet you’re a narcissist with an enabling husband who has a golden child and a scapegoat child. Your kids are probably terribly f*cked up in their own special ways. Glad you stopped before three.

Wow! I was a different poster. I'm a parent of 3 and grew up with 4 siblings - I'm the second to last. Please reread your post; you have some issues. I think everyone in the 3 generations alive in my family is more stable than you. I hope your family has more people than you to depend on. I also wish you happiness in your future - and lower stress. It sounds like you need a break.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[twitter]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These middle children sure sound like the stereotype! No responsibility for themselves, just blame for others. Marcia, Marcia,Marcia. I haven’t met middle children who fit the stereotype so well!

Thankfully, my middle child is nothing like that.

Again, personalities not birth order.

The stereotype is not for middle children to be irresponsible -- if anything they are often over-responsible because they are expected to be very independent from a young age.

The "irresponsible" stereotype gets assigned to youngest children, who don't always have incentive to develop independence and self-reliance because there is always someone older around to help them out.

One thing I'll note is that I'm always skeptical of parents who claim that certain negative dynamics don't exist in their family. Until I hear it from the kids (ALL the kids, not just the ones who are happy), I remain skeptical.

Would love to hear from your kids…

DP
So many books an actual studies on this. You really want to hear antidotes from PPs children?

Since as a parent of two you’ve clearly read all the books and studies on three children, so please cite them here. Would love exact quotes and page numbers. And you seem highly defensive…you seem to assume that as a parent of two kids your kids are well-adjusted, but I bet you’re a narcissist with an enabling husband who has a golden child and a scapegoat child. Your kids are probably terribly f*cked up in their own special ways. Glad you stopped before three.

Wow! I was a different poster. I'm a parent of 3 and grew up with 4 siblings - I'm the second to last. Please reread your post; you have some issues. I think everyone in the 3 generations alive in my family is more stable than you. I hope your family has more people than you to depend on. I also wish you happiness in your future - and lower stress. It sounds like you need a break.

Oh, I forgot to mention..
If you really want citations just Google 'birth order studies'. You should get enough reputable to recommendations to keep you busy.

[Anonymous]

I think lots of families of three kids are happy and all the kids get what they need and are properly bonded to their parents.

I also think the stereotypes about oldest, middle, and youngest kids in 3-kid families don't come from nowhere, and there are of course families with three kids where the kids experience very common things (the neglected middle, the eldest who is expected to be responsible beyond their years, the baby who never becomes independent). It's not automatic, but it happens enough that if you have 3 kids, it's probably worth exploring why those things happen and what you can do to avoid it. I think one lesson for OP to get from this thread is that as she works on bonding with her youngest, make sure she doesn't take her older two for granted or fall into common mistakes that happen with this particular family size.

Finally, there is very clearly one poster on this thread who can't stand the idea of anyone, ever criticizing or even offering a more tempered viewpoint on 3-kid families. The nastiness and overzealousness of this posters comments on the thread reflect a lot of defensiveness, and it might be useful for that poster to ask why she feels so defensive about criticism that, according to her, does not apply to her family. For everyone else, I think we can just ignore!

Good luck OP. As is often the case, I think the mere fact that you are asking these questions indicates that you have what it takes to give all your kids what they need. The parents who actually thinks and worry about these issues usually manage to avoid the biggest mistakes. I mean, the very biggest mistake you can make is to just not care, and that's obviously not you!

[Anonymous]

I’ve yet to see a 3+ kid family where at least one kid has not gone sideways by college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve yet to see a 3+ kid family where at least one kid has not gone sideways by college.

Clearly you don't know very many 3+ kid families.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve yet to see a 3+ kid family where at least one kid has not gone sideways by college.

Clearly you don't know very many 3+ kid families.

Your oldest is what, 8?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve yet to see a 3+ kid family where at least one kid has not gone sideways by college.

Clearly you don't know very many 3+ kid families.

Your oldest is what, 8?

29.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve yet to see a 3+ kid family where at least one kid has not gone sideways by college.

Ok you’ve got to be kidding. How old are you? Where did you grow up?

I’m 42. Raised in the Midwest. Knew lots of families with 3+ kids. The few kids I knew who “went sideways” by college often dealt with “real” trauma (divorce, death of a parent, drugs). I can’t think of a single person I know where I could “pin” their problems solely on the fact that they had 2+ siblings. That’s… insane.

And since you don’t know any high achieving large families, please virtually meet mine! I’m on of four. We have 2 MDs, 1 JD and 1 MBA. All healthy and happily married in our 40s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve yet to see a 3+ kid family where at least one kid has not gone sideways by college.

Really? I’m thinking of the two friends I had growing up who were both youngests of three. All six of them went to college are doing well and happy in our 30s-40s. To add to that my cousins (family of three) who admittedly didn’t all go to college but are all happily married and self supporting (one went straight to vocational training in high school, one trained as his life long dream of being an EMT as soon as he turned 19, third has her degree in social work) and those that want them have kids of their own. In fact most of the families of three I know seem pretty well adjusted. Almost like personal experience isn’t data.

[Anonymous]

After reading the many comments, some truly remarkably nasty I have concluded that *almost* everyone who has strong feelings about the subject has some personal experience they are pulling from that makes them confident this is inherently the way it is.

Several adults of three sibling families had rough experiences growing up and attribute that directly to the number of children their parents had. Therefore, they had less children and believe strongly others should have two as well.

Some moms of three believe that they are somehow the only people capable of giving parenting advice on a parenting messaging board.

A few seem to be insecure about their own decision or situation and feel the need to justify it to all ends.

And some of you seem just out for a fight.

Either way, not a lot of middle children must be posting because one of them would have formed a peace circle already.

[Anonymous]

It’s kind of funny reading through some of these comments: adults who were one of three children, parents who have three children…each claiming, based on their data set of ONE that they have the correct answer to life in a family with three children.