Husband stopping at random dive bars for one beer?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, he needs to have his one beer at home, not in a “dive.”

Beer at home is gross. It tastes so much better from a bar cooler.

[Anonymous]

I’m aDW and I do something similar. Usually 4-5 times a week I stop at TJmaxx, Marshalls, HomeGooods, or Homesense to browse on the way home from work. I have to stop somewhere before I get home. It relaxes me before I hit the home chaos. I would consider this exactly the same thing as OP’s spouse.

[Anonymous]

Keep closely monitoring his credit card receipts! You can also have him carry a tracker that will let you time how long he stays in these “dive bars” - any longer than 15 minutes, call a divorce lawyer!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The ole one and done. You go to random places you don’t know people to avoid being seen and avoid conversations so you can get in and get out quickly.

Yep. That’s what people in affairs do.

[Anonymous]

What other things does he do outside your control that bother you?

[Anonymous]

DCUM is hilarious. One beer a couple times a month means he’s a secret alcoholic or serial cheater? lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DCUM is hilarious. One beer a couple times a month means he’s a secret alcoholic or serial cheater? lol

I used to be this naive too. You live long enough you will see the majority of people are full of secrets and dysfunction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is a 3rd place? I think I missed all that

Not your home, not your office, but somewhere you frequent.

The British and Irish have pubs, Germans Bierhalls, Dutch have cafes, French, Spanish, Italians, Greeks have bistros, tavernas, etc.


Americans have church.

Fewer and fewer Americans have church. But I think part of the point of a third place is that it brings you into contact with people outside your ordinary realm, anyway.

The suspicion and control evident in some of the posts here go a long way toward explaining why so many marriages struggle and why so many Americans have trouble connecting with anyone outside their own little bubbles. I bet a lot of you track your partners’ movements through their phones, too. What a way to live.

My wife and I totally track each other, I am the PP about the third place that you quoted. I completely agree - some of these posters are unhinged.

We don’t track each other out of suspicion though, we do it for logistics, convenience, and safety. I travel a decent amount for work and clearly could cheat if I wanted to (i dont have any interest). I also have pretty good tradecraft and can trick my surveillance if I need to (I put my tracked phone in my parents car as they ran errands around the holidays and I went Christmas shopping and had my work phone with me).

My wife and I trust each other 100% - and the trust provides us both with a lot less stress and a lot more freedom.

I do things like getting a beer by myself somewhat frequently. I also *gasp* go to dinner/lunch/bars with female colleagues from time to time. She does the same with male colleagues.

I’ll be honest though, the thing I was most afraid of getting caught doing was sneaking a fancy ice cream sandwich one day without buying her one. I wasn’t going to see her for an hour or more and I did it on an impulse running errands. We both eat very healthy and she would be pissed if she found out I didn’t share the indiscretion with her. That’s about as unfaithful as we get. It did give me such a rush though. Maybe it was the sugar?

I’m the PP you’re responding to.

I too have cheated in this way…. But I do it with a plain, kind of trashy ice-cream sandwich. The sense memory takes me back to carefree summers by the pool. I’m considering really stepping up my cheating game, and buying a Hostess fruit pie next time. Talk about transgressive!

My husband and I don’t track each other’s phones, but everything else sounds similar. I think he’s more interesting and more of a whole person on his own when he has outside friends and interests, and same for me. If we want to stop and have a beer in a random place, and even chat with random people, that doesn’t affect our relationship. If I’m so uptight and controlling that I worry about him having a beer someplace without me, I figure that says more about me than it does about him. But to be fair, I was much more insecure when I was younger, and I was more controlling then. He was too. We’ve both grown up and become more secure over time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DCUM is hilarious. One beer a couple times a month means he’s a secret alcoholic or serial cheater? lol

I used to be this naive too. You live long enough you will see the majority of people are full of secrets and dysfunction.

I’ve lived a long time, PP, and mostly what I’ve learned is that I can’t control anyone’s behavior but my own. Best for me to get my own sht together and live my life, and let everyone else live theirs.

[Anonymous]

I do this. I stop at a steakhouse for a martini and oysters sometimes. Not cheating, just relaxing at the bar.

[Anonymous]

Keep closely monitoring his credit card receipts! You can also have him carry a tracker that will let you time how long he stays in these “dive bars” - any longer than 15 minutes, call a divorce lawyer!

Anyone who was married to you would need at least three shots every day to be able to stand it at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds innocuous, if it really is what he’s describing. Let the man have a beer.

That sounds fun. I'm a woman and would LOVE a legit dive bar to stop in at.

As a woman, I’m always a little envious that men can easily enter these spaces. I felt like I could in college and my 20s, and it’s still ok for men in their 40s but not women solo and in their 40s. Sometimes I’d like to sit in a chill dark place and be around people but not have to interact much.

Places that are “safe” for women to do this after work are loud, bright, not relaxing, and not social. It’s limited to basically stores and coffee shops.

I don’t see a problem with OP’s DH doing this.

[Anonymous]

I used to do this when I was on a really stressful work project. It gave me a chance to unwind before walking into toddler chaos. I like to think it was helpful that I did not bring that stress home with me. I am a woman, FWIW.

If your question is whether this is a drinking problem, that is an easy no. Having a single beer after work is not a drinking problem.

If your question is whether he is cheating on you, again that is an easy no. If he were cheating/trawling, he would not use his credit card.

The man is stressed. This is a pretty harmless way to deal with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DCUM is hilarious. One beer a couple times a month means he’s a secret alcoholic or serial cheater? lol

I used to be this naive too. You live long enough you will see the majority of people are full of secrets and dysfunction.

I'm sorry that you were betrayed. But I think that you've gone to the other extreme. You are not suspicious of every guy that is out there and that's not healthy either. It's wise to be wary and aware of red flags, but not to immediately assume every potential red flag is automatically an indication that there is a problem.

This is perfectly normal behavior. Just because some cheaters or alcoholics will mask their behavior as normal behavior does not mean that all who partake of normal behavior are automatically cheaters or alcoholics. So, it would be wise for OP, at some point, when things are calm and relaxed to have a conversation with her husband about what's going on. She can start by saying that she noticed that he needed to stop for a beer on the way home this week. She can ask if there is anything stressful going on at work and have a normal conversation about their day-to-day activities.

If there are multiple red flags, then she can start trying to dive deeper, but this alone is not a concern.

[Anonymous]

OP's husband should take up golf, then he can be gone all day Saturday and Sunday and a few nights a week when he golfs a "quick nine" or "hits some balls" for hours after work. And of course booze in the clubhouse afterwards.