Strange comment

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, these answers astound me. When my parents give me money, it goes into the joint account.

True for a lot of us, but our spouses aren't figuratively grabbing the check and literally announcing what we'll be doing with it.

+1 OP should have handled this privately with DH and at most said "Mary what a generous and thoughtful gift."

If a mother gave her daughter a $1000 check to buy herself something nice for her birthday and her husband reached over and grabbed it he would be labeled a controlling and abusive a-hole.

Good thing that's not what OP did?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not only did you overstep with your MIL, but also YDA for trying to snatch a birthday gift from your husband. Sounds like he would have put it in the house pot anyway, but you just snatched it up before he even got a chance to say thank you. No wonder she barked at you. I would have too. I bet you she gives him money privately from now on.

How did she "snatch it up"? she made a comment about how it could go to a project (that is benefitting her DH). I'm not sure what motivated the MIL here, but it sounded like she was miffed at the suggestion that her son would spend HER money on a joint project. That's pretty nasty.

[Anonymous]

You were out of line to lay claim to his birthday gift.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, big mistake talking about how you and your husband spend your money. I've made the same mistake thinking it was innocuous. It's not. They come from a different generation where the male controls the finances. And also, it's her son, so she's protective of "his" money. When you talk about home renovations, all she hears is that you are spending all of his hard earned money on unnecessary things.

It took me a while to understand too. I couldn't understand why she kept repeatedly telling us to go buy furniture at this salvage yard out by them. I asked them if they ever bought anything from there, but they said no. Or when we said our deck was falling apart and needed replacing, she said, it looks fine to me, it doesn't need replacing. I couldn't figure out why she kept arguing with me. But when my husband said to her it needed replacing, she agreed with him. So it needs to come from the husband, not you.

Also, I'm sorry but I agree with your MIL. If it was a birthday present for your husband - he DOES get to spend it how he wants. They intended that as a gift for him. Your comment implies that if they had gifted him a suit for his birthday, then you have every right to go sell it off to pay for some shared gift for you and your husband. That would be incredibly rude.

I agree with almost all of this. It's about control and money. MIL is mad that DIL has any say in "her" money that she gifts to her son. If MIL is handing out $1000 checks for adult sons, there is also probably a likely inheritence that she wants to keep from the DIL. I don't necessarily disagree that OP's comment was a little blunt, but MIL went way overboard in her response. OP's comment was essentially innocent and MIL turned it into An Issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You got between her and her son for no good reason. Your comment was overstepping and rude.

Yes this!
I was in a similar situation with my brother. We were discussing how to use a small inheritance to help our dad. My SIL said something to the effect of “just don’t let it simply sit there, it’s at least something in our kids’ 529”. I don’t think she will be against helping our dad, but it was just terribly out of place!
Also, keep in mind, 99% of MILs think that their DILs are keeping their sons’ interests last in line. Tread lightly

Maybe if you think it is "terribly out of place" for your SIL to make a reasonable suggestion (put in a 529 instead of letting it sit with no appreciation) then you should be discussing these matters privately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, these answers astound me. When my parents give me money, it goes into the joint account.

True for a lot of us, but our spouses aren't figuratively grabbing the check and literally announcing what we'll be doing with it.

+1 OP should have handled this privately with DH and at most said "Mary what a generous and thoughtful gift."

If a mother gave her daughter a $1000 check to buy herself something nice for her birthday and her husband reached over and grabbed it he would be labeled a controlling and abusive a-hole.

Good thing that's not what OP did?

She unilaterally made a decision on what they would do with his birthday money. That could have been handled privately after MIL left. OP was rude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, these answers astound me. When my parents give me money, it goes into the joint account.

True for a lot of us, but our spouses aren't figuratively grabbing the check and literally announcing what we'll be doing with it.

+1 OP should have handled this privately with DH and at most said "Mary what a generous and thoughtful gift."

If a mother gave her daughter a $1000 check to buy herself something nice for her birthday and her husband reached over and grabbed it he would be labeled a controlling and abusive a-hole.

Good thing that's not what OP did?

She unilaterally made a decision on what they would do with his birthday money. That could have been handled privately after MIL left. OP was rude.

She did not "unilaterally make a decision." She made a COMMENT about what the money could go to. Only if you're triggered by the notion that OP would dare suggest that money go to a joint home project do you distort it into something more meaningful than it is. That's how these stupid fights get started. You're acting like OP confiscated the check in that moment and deposited it in their joint account.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, OP, but you are the YTA.

Even if your DH agrees that it's best to put it towards the house, wait until the end of the day, when its just the 2 of you to talk about it.

What if someone gave you an Amazon gift card for 25 dollars as a thank you, would you want DH to chime in immediately saying "oh, we need a new filter for the HVAC, you can spend it on that."

It's both rude to the gift-giver, and the recipient.

You owe MIL an apology

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I also think your comment was rude. When my mom gives me money she always makes a big deal about me spending on myself. Now, I may use it for bills or household stuff, but I wouldn't say that to her face. I think you comment was rude in two ways: you announced what someone else would be doing with their birthday present and you dampened the joy of the gift giver who should be able to maintain the illusion that the recipient is spending the funds on something fun.

My mom does this too! I think she just knows how easy it is to put the money in the bank and let it go to bills and groceries. She wants to make sure I spend it on something for myself.

Op, it's like if your mom gave you a gift certificate for a manicure and pedicure, you wouldn't expect your husband to say "oh great! I've been needing to get my nails done!" The $1000 to your husband is no different in her mind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, these answers astound me. When my parents give me money, it goes into the joint account.

True for a lot of us, but our spouses aren't figuratively grabbing the check and literally announcing what we'll be doing with it.

+1 OP should have handled this privately with DH and at most said "Mary what a generous and thoughtful gift."

If a mother gave her daughter a $1000 check to buy herself something nice for her birthday and her husband reached over and grabbed it he would be labeled a controlling and abusive a-hole.

Good thing that's not what OP did?

She unilaterally made a decision on what they would do with his birthday money. That could have been handled privately after MIL left. OP was rude.

She did not "unilaterally make a decision." She made a COMMENT about what the money could go to. Only if you're triggered by the notion that OP would dare suggest that money go to a joint home project do you distort it into something more meaningful than it is. That's how these stupid fights get started. You're acting like OP confiscated the check in that moment and deposited it in their joint account.

Potato, potahto. Most people see it differently than you. She was greedy and made a rude comment. Could have saved it for later. The only thing necessary at the time was "thank you!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, these answers astound me. When my parents give me money, it goes into the joint account.

True for a lot of us, but our spouses aren't figuratively grabbing the check and literally announcing what we'll be doing with it.

+1 OP should have handled this privately with DH and at most said "Mary what a generous and thoughtful gift."

If a mother gave her daughter a $1000 check to buy herself something nice for her birthday and her husband reached over and grabbed it he would be labeled a controlling and abusive a-hole.

Good thing that's not what OP did?

She unilaterally made a decision on what they would do with his birthday money. That could have been handled privately after MIL left. OP was rude.

She did not "unilaterally make a decision." She made a COMMENT about what the money could go to. Only if you're triggered by the notion that OP would dare suggest that money go to a joint home project do you distort it into something more meaningful than it is. That's how these stupid fights get started. You're acting like OP confiscated the check in that moment and deposited it in their joint account.

Potato, potahto. Most people see it differently than you. She was greedy and made a rude comment. Could have saved it for later. The only thing necessary at the time was "thank you!"

How is it greedy to think that a windfall would go to a project her DH was benefitting from? It might not have been the most polite comment, but it was essentially innocent. In general, good manners mean discretion. So MIL is more/equally as wrong to respond as she did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, OP, but you are the YTA.

Even if your DH agrees that it's best to put it towards the house, wait until the end of the day, when its just the 2 of you to talk about it.

What if someone gave you an Amazon gift card for 25 dollars as a thank you, would you want DH to chime in immediately saying "oh, we need a new filter for the HVAC, you can spend it on that."

It's both rude to the gift-giver, and the recipient.

You owe MIL an apology

I think the point here is that $25 is way different from $1000. The MIL is irritated that OP, yes, thinks that spending a major gift is something that she has a say in. MIL likely thinking ahead to future cash gifts she wants to make as time goes on. Ultimately this is MIL wanting to control where her money goes, which is really, really ugly and the cause of a lot of family discord.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL gave my husband a $1000 for his birthday. Just to be clear we have been married for 10 years not just long term dating or engaged. I have always considered MIL and I to have a good relationship. We aren't best friends but it's not awkward if we ever end up in a situation where we are alone together. My point in saying this is to say that as far as I know we have no issues between us.

We have been getting home renovations done so when my husband opened his card and it was $1000 in there I said, "oh great we can use it towards our home renovations." My MIL gave me a nasty look and said back to me in a rude tone, "that's money is meant for my son for his birthday it's up to him to decide how it's spent." I said back a little snarky back I will admit, "we are a married couple and we always considered money we get to be family money as I thought it was normal for married couples to share money."

It got very quiet which honestly I'm more annoyed with my husband that he didn't jump in and let me get hammered by his mother but whatever that's besides the point.

Since the whole mood and tone changed I left the house to go for a walk and let them have time together.

I don't know I feel like this is so out of character given that his mom and I have always gotten along well and in the 10+ years I've been with her son I have never seen her act like this.

You would have thought I said oh great we can use the money for me to go on a girl's weekend or for me to get my nails done. But this is OUR house as a married couple this benefits him just as much as me. Besides we are a married couple do married couples not share money typically especially large amounts??

Not to mention it shouldn't be up to the gift giver to determine how the money is spent. For us we are married so it's more of a we are a unit and make these decisions together we are one in the married sense.

I want my husband to talk to his mother about making comments that are out of line and quite frankly none of her business what I say to my husband a married couple and I think she owes me an apology.

He said he is going to talk to her because it's out of character for her. And ask her to talk to me and to apologize.

I guess I'm just really hurt and taken a back because this type of comment doesn't just come out of no where if you are typically pretty close with someone.

Are you the same one that resents husband and mil for sightseeing together?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, these answers astound me. When my parents give me money, it goes into the joint account.

True for a lot of us, but our spouses aren't figuratively grabbing the check and literally announcing what we'll be doing with it.

+1 OP should have handled this privately with DH and at most said "Mary what a generous and thoughtful gift."

If a mother gave her daughter a $1000 check to buy herself something nice for her birthday and her husband reached over and grabbed it he would be labeled a controlling and abusive a-hole.

Good thing that's not what OP did?

She unilaterally made a decision on what they would do with his birthday money. That could have been handled privately after MIL left. OP was rude.

She did not "unilaterally make a decision." She made a COMMENT about what the money could go to. Only if you're triggered by the notion that OP would dare suggest that money go to a joint home project do you distort it into something more meaningful than it is. That's how these stupid fights get started. You're acting like OP confiscated the check in that moment and deposited it in their joint account.

Potato, potahto. Most people see it differently than you. She was greedy and made a rude comment. Could have saved it for later. The only thing necessary at the time was "thank you!"

How is it greedy to think that a windfall would go to a project her DH was benefitting from? It might not have been the most polite comment, but it was essentially innocent. In general, good manners mean discretion. So MIL is more/equally as wrong to respond as she did.

Because that's a discussion for later. Getting dollar signs in your eyes the minute you see the gift is the definition of greed. And whatever, it's all one big pot anyway. The money will go to the family account and the husband can just buy whatever he wants with a little less guilt assuming OP doesn't count every nickel and penny he spends demanding to know where it went. OP should have kept her trap shut. That's it. And, no MIL is not more wrong. How demented are you to try and make her gift seem anything less than a thoughtful gift just because OP had other plans and had no impulse control?

[Anonymous]

NP. OP, I actually agree with your reasoning about family money etc etc…. And I also think your comment was untimely. It was your husbands birthday and his mom just gave him a present. I would have let them have their exchange, their moment, and if I did comment just say something kind like “how nice!”. I understand how mil’s comment was off putting, but honestly yours was a little too. You are absolutely right with your logic AND it was a moment between them that you were witness to.

Fwiw, my in laws give my DH the max gifting limit per person (so 16k to each of us and kids) per year. Obviously it is a part of estate planning for them. Even though one of those checks is literally cut out to me I do not interfere with how DH is spending it. I figure that is money between him and his parents. Now if he was being totally reckless with it I would say something, but honestly I don’t know if he puts it into our shared expenses or uses it to try at certain stocks. Similarly I have some money that is about to be liquid. He has made a couple suggestions with what I do with it but the final decision is mine. I see this as independent money given to us by our parents. I am open to suggestions but would be put off by being told what to do with it. I would certainly consider it in poor taste to make an unsolicited comment on how gift money should be used in front of my in laws.