Getting Divorced. People Say “I’m sorry.” Why?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t be obtuse-they mean they are sorry your marriage didn’t work out (which you surely know!)

+1 Who goes into a marriage thinking you'll get divorced? I'm sorry for the pain of broken dreams and loss. Why is that hard to understand?

I went in the marriage thinking a divorce was possible. Sometimes marriage is a hard decision. Not everyone is a romantic fool.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m supposed to know to be happy for you that you won’t be spending all holidays with your kids from now on? I’m supposed to know to be relieved that you won’t tuck your kids into bed every night?

OK.

Maybe Op is happy that half the holidays her kids have are full of joy rather than 100% being tense. Maybe she’s happy that her XH has half the night on paper for CS purposes, but really he only takes the kids once in a while so she’s providing 300+ nights a year of peaceful tuck-ins rather than 365 nights of chaos and fighting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t be obtuse-they mean they are sorry your marriage didn’t work out (which you surely know!)

+1 Who goes into a marriage thinking you'll get divorced? I'm sorry for the pain of broken dreams and loss. Why is that hard to understand?

I went in the marriage thinking a divorce was possible. Sometimes marriage is a hard decision. Not everyone is a romantic fool.

Then we’re sorry marriage was a hard decision. And for your divorce. We’re sorry you’ve never felt like a romantic fool—it’s glorious. And it’s gotten me through the ups and downs of 11 years so far, with no desired end, ever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m supposed to know to be happy for you that you won’t be spending all holidays with your kids from now on? I’m supposed to know to be relieved that you won’t tuck your kids into bed every night?

OK.

Maybe Op is happy that half the holidays her kids have are full of joy rather than 100% being tense. Maybe she’s happy that her XH has half the night on paper for CS purposes, but really he only takes the kids once in a while so she’s providing 300+ nights a year of peaceful tuck-ins rather than 365 nights of chaos and fighting.

And again—we’re just supposed to know all that? We’re just supposed to know the deep, dark realities of your marriage, when all we saw was you two at the altar, then year after year of Family Ad holiday cards and “hubby made me a birthday cake” Facebook posts? Hmm. Got it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t be obtuse-they mean they are sorry your marriage didn’t work out (which you surely know!)

+1 Who goes into a marriage thinking you'll get divorced? I'm sorry for the pain of broken dreams and loss. Why is that hard to understand?

I went in the marriage thinking a divorce was possible. Sometimes marriage is a hard decision. Not everyone is a romantic fool.

Dh and I went into marriage with the agreement it is for life. Divorce is not an option. We prioritize our relationship and have been happily married for 28 years so far.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t be obtuse-they mean they are sorry your marriage didn’t work out (which you surely know!)

+1 Who goes into a marriage thinking you'll get divorced? I'm sorry for the pain of broken dreams and loss. Why is that hard to understand?

I went in the marriage thinking a divorce was possible. Sometimes marriage is a hard decision. Not everyone is a romantic fool.

Dh and I went into marriage with the agreement it is for life. Divorce is not an option. We prioritize our relationship and have been happily married for 28 years so far.

Well, my exDH lied to me about the foundation of our martial agreement and was financially and emotionally abusive. Divorce is the only option in that case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t be obtuse-they mean they are sorry your marriage didn’t work out (which you surely know!)

+1 Who goes into a marriage thinking you'll get divorced? I'm sorry for the pain of broken dreams and loss. Why is that hard to understand?

I went in the marriage thinking a divorce was possible. Sometimes marriage is a hard decision. Not everyone is a romantic fool.

Dh and I went into marriage with the agreement it is for life. Divorce is not an option. We prioritize our relationship and have been happily married for 28 years so far.

Well, my exDH lied to me about the foundation of our martial agreement and was financially and emotionally abusive. Divorce is the only option in that case.

And. That’s. What. We’re. Sorry. About. So instead of acting all offended and flabbergasted that people say “I’m sorry,” we’re expressing sympathy for the literal litany of horrors that poster after poster here has shared to justify your divorce. You don’t need to justify it—we know bad, scary, sad, unfair, unexpected things happen that predicate divorce. And that is what we are sorry about!

So pick a lane: either it was a pack of lies and an abusive situation, or it was an easy decision that no one should express sympathy or sorrow over. Which is it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t be obtuse-they mean they are sorry your marriage didn’t work out (which you surely know!)

+1 Who goes into a marriage thinking you'll get divorced? I'm sorry for the pain of broken dreams and loss. Why is that hard to understand?

I went in the marriage thinking a divorce was possible. Sometimes marriage is a hard decision. Not everyone is a romantic fool.

Dh and I went into marriage with the agreement it is for life. Divorce is not an option. We prioritize our relationship and have been happily married for 28 years so far.

Well, my exDH lied to me about the foundation of our martial agreement and was financially and emotionally abusive. Divorce is the only option in that case.

^^^Getting Divorced. People Say “I’m sorry.” Why?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t be obtuse-they mean they are sorry your marriage didn’t work out (which you surely know!)

+1 Who goes into a marriage thinking you'll get divorced? I'm sorry for the pain of broken dreams and loss. Why is that hard to understand?

I went in the marriage thinking a divorce was possible. Sometimes marriage is a hard decision. Not everyone is a romantic fool.

Dh and I went into marriage with the agreement it is for life. Divorce is not an option. We prioritize our relationship and have been happily married for 28 years so far.

Well, my exDH lied to me about the foundation of our martial agreement and was financially and emotionally abusive. Divorce is the only option in that case.

And. That’s. What. We’re. Sorry. About. So instead of acting all offended and flabbergasted that people say “I’m sorry,” we’re expressing sympathy for the literal litany of horrors that poster after poster here has shared to justify your divorce. You don’t need to justify it—we know bad, scary, sad, unfair, unexpected things happen that predicate divorce. And that is what we are sorry about!

So pick a lane: either it was a pack of lies and an abusive situation, or it was an easy decision that no one should express sympathy or sorrow over. Which is it?

It’s both and if you can’t understand that then you’re obtuse.

[Anonymous]

I pray for the day when women across the world will love themselves enough to not have some of the dialogue I’ve read here. Our worth is not determined by a man. Woman are much more likely to be divorce imitators. And you know why? Because so many of them suffer in marriage! So congrats to all the women who loved themselves enough to start over and create a life more conducive to their wellbeing. You deserve it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, Thank you for starting this thread.

All divorces are not bad. I’ve never understood saying “I’m sorry.” either…

All good things must come to an end and nothing last forever.

This topic makes a good discussion.

It’s true that “nothing lasts for ever,” but it’s also true that there are marriages that fulfill their solemn vows: “Until death do us part.”

Some marriages fail. Failure is part of life, and it can be the right next step toward a better future. But you can’t ask the very same people who danced at your wedding—at YOUR invitation to celebrate you, your now-ex, and your marriage—to automatically be happy that your marriage failed. Did you want it to fail? Did your spouse want it to fail? Did you go into it wanting to fail, or to succeed?

If you fail the bar exam? I’m sorry.
If your marriage fails? I’m sorry.
If your new job fails and you are fired or quit? I’m sorry.
If you fail to qualify for the sporting event you were training for? I’m sorry.

From all of these failures can come growth, peace, and a better tomorrow. But you have to accept that—your marriage failed. There it is. I’m sorry you find that hard to accept, but you won’t move on properly if you can’t accept the failure.

Of course I didn’t want my marriage to fail. But the fact is it become untenable to remain in a marriage where I had to continually compromise my values about how I should be treated. The broken glasses, the bruises, the emotional and financial abuse are nothing anyone should put up with. And I did - for years. Did my spouse want the marriage to fail? By refusing to get treatment and to get better? I would say yes. I feel sorry she - whether through fear or shame - threw it all away.

Well then I’m sorry that:
-It became untenable to remain in a marriage where you had to continually compromise your values about how you should be treated
-I’m sorry you endured broken glasses, bruises, emotional and financial abuse
-I’m sorry your spouse refused to get treatment and threw it all away

Do you get it yet? THAT’S WHAT WE’RE SORRY FOR.

People keep telling these god awful sad sack stories about the circumstances surrounding their divorce and broken family but no really it was all a breeze and the best thing ever no problems at all for anyone involved! It truly does feel like we’re being gaslit.

So let me get this straight. When you got married, divorce was the ultimate end goal for you? And now you are happy to have reached the end goal?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m supposed to know to be happy for you that you won’t be spending all holidays with your kids from now on? I’m supposed to know to be relieved that you won’t tuck your kids into bed every night?

OK.

Maybe Op is happy that half the holidays her kids have are full of joy rather than 100% being tense. Maybe she’s happy that her XH has half the night on paper for CS purposes, but really he only takes the kids once in a while so she’s providing 300+ nights a year of peaceful tuck-ins rather than 365 nights of chaos and fighting.

I’m sorry that your life had been so full of chaos and fighting to have led to this. See? That’s what the “I’m sorry”’is for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I pray for the day when women across the world will love themselves enough to not have some of the dialogue I’ve read here. Our worth is not determined by a man. Woman are much more likely to be divorce imitators. And you know why? Because so many of them suffer in marriage! So congrats to all the women who loved themselves enough to start over and create a life more conducive to their wellbeing. You deserve it!

I agree. And I’m also sorry for the disappointment, hardship, and heartache you endured on your journey. That doesn’t take away from the pride and relief I feel for you that you are now on a path to a better life. The sorrow for you and the pride and relief can all exist at the same time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m getting divorced. When I tell people this they say, “I’m so sorry.” But honestly, I don’t feel bad. This is the best decision I have made since marrying my STBX. My life is going to be so much more peaceful than it has been in years. No more putting up with narcissistic/borderline abuse. Just want it done. I don’t anyone to feel sorry for me. Why do people say they that?

When I got divorced, one woman said “congratulations!” It was hilarious and so true. Now that’s what I say whenever someone tells me they’re getting divorced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because at some point, you loved him enough to marry him. Perhaps you made a big mistake; that is reason enough to say "I'm sorry."

A divorce is never pain/ hassle/ cost-free, no matter how much you want it, that's another reason to say "I'm sorry."

And if there are children involved, you have wrecked their lives. That's what most of us are expressing sorrow for.

It's not necessarily true that 1) their lives are wrecked or 2) if their lives are wrecked, that it was OP who wrecked them.

Then we are sorry that there were children born in a toxic relationship and they will not get a happy intact family with two doting biological parents who love each other . Obviously the kids were born out of sex between two people who grew to resent each other. Yeah, sucks for them.

Worse is that their parent is clueless and self obsessed enough to start a thread about it.

Mwa-ha-ha-ha, you must be new here. According to this forum, at least half of the intact biological families are staying together fior convenience and money reasons, with dead bedrooms.