is DH being an unreasonable brat, or am i stressed and being too sensitve?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Male here and wife has done similar events for me. My view is that my accomplishment was not the reason to have the event, my accomplishment was the excuse to host an event to see these people. Other than being true royalty, but where it is your job to sit on a throne or being roasted; any one person that wants the even to be “about them” is a prick.
And if the invite eluded to that, I would not go. And if I went and it turned out to an all “praise Jim” event I would reconsider my friendship/association with Jim.

I mean a 50th birthday party is pretty much all about them.

PP here you are missing what I am saying. We had a big catered event for my 40th. I didn’t sit down and eat. I went around talking to everyone, thanking them for coming, catching up, making sure they had everything they needed. While it was MY birthday everyone having a good time and enjoying themselves
was the priority, not making sure everyone acknowledged my birthday. While it was my birthday celebration. In no way did I make it about me.

Can you hear the tiny violin I am playing for you?

[Anonymous]

Um, why not just get a sitter. What is the issue?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've only read the first page but I don't think your husband is being an unreasonable brat. He's having a weekend where it's all about him. He has helped with some things you have asked him to do. He is telling you IN ADVANCE that he wants to be off for childcare purposes for the whole weekend and he also don't want to be running around doing things - he wants to be enjoying himself. He hasn't asked for a month, or even an entire week. He wants one weekend to be able to enjoy his friends and family and be celebrated without having to worry about taking a phone call from the caterer. That seems very reasonable to me, and good for him for telling you what he wants instead of expecting you to read his mind and then being mad at you.

It's weird to me that you're turning this whole thing into something about YOU. Let him thank you after the wonderful weekend. Why are you insisting that he only have as much fun as you are having? I really don't get your thinking at all. If I were throwing a party FOR MY HUSBAND (not with my husband, not for our friends, but actually for him), I would be fine doing everything for it so he could enjoy himself. Isn't that the point?!?

DP. You should have read more. The problem is not that he doesn't want to be on call for anything, but that he's micromanaging how she does things. She wants to hire help for childcare. He balks at it.

PP here. I've read the whole thing now.

My position doesn't change because based on all of OP's posts, I don't think she accurately relayed the way her husband responded when she said she wanted help. So yeah, still team DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are people scolding OP for not hiring or outsourcing missing the part where her husband doesn’t want her to? So to recap, he hints he wants to be celebrated, she obliged, said it happily turned larger but she needs some extra help and he said it won’t be him and it can’t be anyone not a guest at the party. That’s a brat right there.

Ha ha ha, I really doubt that's how that went down. Here's how it would have happened in my house, where two grownups who have the ability to have a conversation live:

Me: I think I'm going to hire an event planner to help with the logistics of the wedding.
Husband: Why would you hire someone when there are going to be so many guests who would be happy to help out?
[This is where OP flips her lid and storms out of the room]
Me: I'd rather the guests be able to enjoy the party and not feel like they have to work there.
Husband: That makes sense, I was just thinking these people love being involved but yeah, it would be more fun if we were all "off" and could just have fun

You're hearing OP's side of the story. I bet her husband would say the conversation went down differently.

Serious question OP - when your husband says something that bothers you (like apparently he does all the time), do you just huff off and then go moan about how awful he is? Or do you say to him, hey, what you said bothered me and here's why, so that he can understand why what he said may have been problematic or otherwise explain what he meant? People say the wrong thing ALL THE TIME. Whenever my husband or I get irked with something the other said we try to resolve it (usually the person who said it didn't mean it the way the person who heard it interpreted it). Have you ever tried that?

OP here. This is literally what I said to him.

[Anonymous]

OP here. And FWIW, I AM the breadwinner and have been for years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is this something you decided to do unilaterally? Does your DH want all the bells and whistles or are you dumping this on him and he doesn’t really care about the party so he resents being asked to do all this work? I personally would be pissed if my DH wanted to celebrate a big promotion with a huge party and then made me do any of the work for it. I would rather not have the party.

OP here. He basically begged for the party. I was actually silently not volunteering to do anything for some time. I felt somewhat forced to volunteer to take over and host when I heard him discussing with his cousin and more or less asking her to cohost with him.
At that point I felt I had to save face and step in because of optics.You can criticize me all you want, but I just did not think it was a good look for his cousin to plan a celebration while the wife was not involved.
Yes I know I ultimately volunteered. No one had a gun to my head.
But I am being honest that the reason I did volunteer was NOT because i wanted to, but because it felt like subtle (or not so subtle) shade thrown at me. Like a guilt trip. Passive aggressive.

Perhaps that information and backstory will give more insight and inform opinions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. And FWIW, I AM the breadwinner and have been for years.

Now we know you are trolling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is this something you decided to do unilaterally? Does your DH want all the bells and whistles or are you dumping this on him and he doesn’t really care about the party so he resents being asked to do all this work? I personally would be pissed if my DH wanted to celebrate a big promotion with a huge party and then made me do any of the work for it. I would rather not have the party.

OP here. He basically begged for the party. I was actually silently not volunteering to do anything for some time. I felt somewhat forced to volunteer to take over and host when I heard him discussing with his cousin and more or less asking her to cohost with him.
At that point I felt I had to save face and step in because of optics.You can criticize me all you want, but I just did not think it was a good look for his cousin to plan a celebration while the wife was not involved.
Yes I know I ultimately volunteered. No one had a gun to my head.
But I am being honest that the reason I did volunteer was NOT because i wanted to, but because it felt like subtle (or not so subtle) shade thrown at me. Like a guilt trip. Passive aggressive.

Perhaps that information and backstory will give more insight and inform opinions.

If this is for real, you have way bigger issues than this party.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is this something you decided to do unilaterally? Does your DH want all the bells and whistles or are you dumping this on him and he doesn’t really care about the party so he resents being asked to do all this work? I personally would be pissed if my DH wanted to celebrate a big promotion with a huge party and then made me do any of the work for it. I would rather not have the party.

OP here. He basically begged for the party. I was actually silently not volunteering to do anything for some time. I felt somewhat forced to volunteer to take over and host when I heard him discussing with his cousin and more or less asking her to cohost with him.
At that point I felt I had to save face and step in because of optics.You can criticize me all you want, but I just did not think it was a good look for his cousin to plan a celebration while the wife was not involved.
Yes I know I ultimately volunteered. No one had a gun to my head.
But I am being honest that the reason I did volunteer was NOT because i wanted to, but because it felt like subtle (or not so subtle) shade thrown at me. Like a guilt trip. Passive aggressive.

Perhaps that information and backstory will give more insight and inform opinions.

So in your mind, asking a cousin to co host is passive aggressively begging you to throw him a party? You have some serious things you need to work through.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is this something you decided to do unilaterally? Does your DH want all the bells and whistles or are you dumping this on him and he doesn’t really care about the party so he resents being asked to do all this work? I personally would be pissed if my DH wanted to celebrate a big promotion with a huge party and then made me do any of the work for it. I would rather not have the party.

OP here. He basically begged for the party. I was actually silently not volunteering to do anything for some time. I felt somewhat forced to volunteer to take over and host when I heard him discussing with his cousin and more or less asking her to cohost with him.
At that point I felt I had to save face and step in because of optics.You can criticize me all you want, but I just did not think it was a good look for his cousin to plan a celebration while the wife was not involved.
Yes I know I ultimately volunteered. No one had a gun to my head.
But I am being honest that the reason I did volunteer was NOT because i wanted to, but because it felt like subtle (or not so subtle) shade thrown at me. Like a guilt trip. Passive aggressive.

Perhaps that information and backstory will give more insight and inform opinions.

So in your mind, asking a cousin to co host is passive aggressively begging you to throw him a party? You have some serious things you need to work through.

Yes, that's exactly what I am saying. He had her come over to the house, sat down and had the conversation with her LOUDLY while I cooked dinner, and kept saying things like "I really want to mark this occasion, but don't want to be the only one responsible for planning it. No one wants to plan their own party."

It was awkward and passive aggressive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is this something you decided to do unilaterally? Does your DH want all the bells and whistles or are you dumping this on him and he doesn’t really care about the party so he resents being asked to do all this work? I personally would be pissed if my DH wanted to celebrate a big promotion with a huge party and then made me do any of the work for it. I would rather not have the party.

OP here. He basically begged for the party. I was actually silently not volunteering to do anything for some time. I felt somewhat forced to volunteer to take over and host when I heard him discussing with his cousin and more or less asking her to cohost with him.
At that point I felt I had to save face and step in because of optics.You can criticize me all you want, but I just did not think it was a good look for his cousin to plan a celebration while the wife was not involved.
Yes I know I ultimately volunteered. No one had a gun to my head.
But I am being honest that the reason I did volunteer was NOT because i wanted to, but because it felt like subtle (or not so subtle) shade thrown at me. Like a guilt trip. Passive aggressive.

Perhaps that information and backstory will give more insight and inform opinions.

So in your mind, asking a cousin to co host is passive aggressively begging you to throw him a party? You have some serious things you need to work through.

Yes, that's exactly what I am saying. He had her come over to the house, sat down and had the conversation with her LOUDLY while I cooked dinner, and kept saying things like "I really want to mark this occasion, but don't want to be the only one responsible for planning it. No one wants to plan their own party."

It was awkward and passive aggressive.

If you go ahead with it, just outsource everything. If he balks at it, you can just say that you're in charge of planning the event and that's how you decided to do it, repeat as necessary. Longer term, it sounds like you guys would really benefit from marriage counseling as your communication as a couple is really messed up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is this something you decided to do unilaterally? Does your DH want all the bells and whistles or are you dumping this on him and he doesn’t really care about the party so he resents being asked to do all this work? I personally would be pissed if my DH wanted to celebrate a big promotion with a huge party and then made me do any of the work for it. I would rather not have the party.

OP here. He basically begged for the party. I was actually silently not volunteering to do anything for some time. I felt somewhat forced to volunteer to take over and host when I heard him discussing with his cousin and more or less asking her to cohost with him.
At that point I felt I had to save face and step in because of optics.You can criticize me all you want, but I just did not think it was a good look for his cousin to plan a celebration while the wife was not involved.
Yes I know I ultimately volunteered. No one had a gun to my head.
But I am being honest that the reason I did volunteer was NOT because i wanted to, but because it felt like subtle (or not so subtle) shade thrown at me. Like a guilt trip. Passive aggressive.

Perhaps that information and backstory will give more insight and inform opinions.

So in your mind, asking a cousin to co host is passive aggressively begging you to throw him a party? You have some serious things you need to work through.

Yes, that's exactly what I am saying. He had her come over to the house, sat down and had the conversation with her LOUDLY while I cooked dinner, and kept saying things like "I really want to mark this occasion, but don't want to be the only one responsible for planning it. No one wants to plan their own party."

It was awkward and passive aggressive.

If you go ahead with it, just outsource everything. If he balks at it, you can just say that you're in charge of planning the event and that's how you decided to do it, repeat as necessary. Longer term, it sounds like you guys would really benefit from marriage counseling as your communication as a couple is really messed up.

+1. Get through this as easily as you can for yourself and in a way that minimizes having to depend on him, and then figure out where to go from there.

[Anonymous]

I started planning my own birthday party in sixth grade and did so every year, it was fun. But no one wants to have to ask someone else to plan a party for them. OP, you should have asked him how he wanted to celebrate these milestones whatever they are. You must know by now what matters to him and makes him happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Woman here and I totally disagree. It’s one weekend. You can arrange childcare. If it were a woman being fêted for some combo of 40th bday and making partner, she would be fuming that she had to ask, and that DH was giving her chores to do for her own celebration, and tasking her with childcare all weekend. And people here would be saying “tell him what you want.” OP, if you’re going to celebrate him, and people are coming in from out of town, do it right. Don’t be passive aggressive.

Another woman here and agree. Make him free for the whole weekend. Do it right or don’t do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is this something you decided to do unilaterally? Does your DH want all the bells and whistles or are you dumping this on him and he doesn’t really care about the party so he resents being asked to do all this work? I personally would be pissed if my DH wanted to celebrate a big promotion with a huge party and then made me do any of the work for it. I would rather not have the party.

OP here. He basically begged for the party. I was actually silently not volunteering to do anything for some time. I felt somewhat forced to volunteer to take over and host when I heard him discussing with his cousin and more or less asking her to cohost with him.
At that point I felt I had to save face and step in because of optics.You can criticize me all you want, but I just did not think it was a good look for his cousin to plan a celebration while the wife was not involved.
Yes I know I ultimately volunteered. No one had a gun to my head.
But I am being honest that the reason I did volunteer was NOT because i wanted to, but because it felt like subtle (or not so subtle) shade thrown at me. Like a guilt trip. Passive aggressive.

Perhaps that information and backstory will give more insight and inform opinions.

So in your mind, asking a cousin to co host is passive aggressively begging you to throw him a party? You have some serious things you need to work through.

Yes, that's exactly what I am saying. He had her come over to the house, sat down and had the conversation with her LOUDLY while I cooked dinner, and kept saying things like "I really want to mark this occasion, but don't want to be the only one responsible for planning it. No one wants to plan their own party."

It was awkward and passive aggressive.

Of course he doesn't want to throw his own party to celebrate whatever this larger-than-life event is. That's tacky. As I read this, I think he was hurt that you hadn't stepped in. I would be, if I thought this was a party-worthy accomplishment. You seem to have some major issues. Unless this is truly a lame thing, in which case, just tell us what the heck is is celebrating.