is DH being an unreasonable brat, or am i stressed and being too sensitve?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One of my biggest pet peeves is grown adults who expect to be fawned over like a child on a birthday or other big occasion. I can’t stand the days of dinners and parties and expecting to not lift a finger. Grow up.

This is so right. I'm embarrassed for OP's husband. What a dork.

He sounds like the type of bro who refers to his spouse as "the wife", his children as " the rugrats", his Porsche Cayenne as "my baby", and his golf clubs as "my sticks".

Ugh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Honest answer: because we have young kids and I don't want to split custody.

So the truth of the matter is you resent him and are bitter about the party because you're putting a lot of work into a party for someone you don't even like anymore, much less love.

OP, why are you having this party? Is this all about keeping up appearances that you're still a happy, devoted wife?

I think your feelings about this party are your come-to-Jesus moment about how much you actually are not into your husband anymore. Seems to me that him treating like you the help and the party planner instead of his adored wife is just a reflection of how you feel about him. You're not a happy couple anymore, you're just two people running a life with kids together and he's acting accordingly while you still want to fake it.

[Anonymous]

I’d have just hired someone to plan the party, op. You also need to decide if this will be a party meant for kids or a grownup party? Personally, I’d have it be a family friendly event.. your husband has probably spent too much time away from you and his kids, more then is good for him even if he has been doing socially acceptable things like work and school. He’s gotten too used to that lifestyle, I’d not be continuing to make it acceptable for him to be absent.
I’ve also noticed many men are critical when women want to hire help which infuriates me because men get whatever help they need, they have secretaries, aide-de-camps in the military, clerks or counselors for church positions and nobody says boo about any of this.
I’d not ask your friends and family to “pitch in”, I’d be done with the friendship if someone did that to me. In fact, my husband and I pretty much were when a friend sprung that on us at his wedding, and no, it wasn’t a Hallmark movie where everybody rallies round because the caterer’s truck wouldn’t start, it was pure selfish greed, and no a last-minute text of “we need this” doesn’t mitigate the rudeness. It also sets up a weird caste system, the friends who help and the ones who don’t.
I’m sorry, op. Unless party planning is your thing, most people don’t know how to do it. You get more people then you planned on, you get requests you don’t know how to deal with, you have physical space requirements, it’s a lot of work. Start channeling your inner Nancy Reagan.

[Anonymous]

I'm more on your side than not OP, given the pieces of attitude from him and that you felt manipulated into doing this party.

At the same time, for the sake of your sanity and marriage, I have to ask: does he have any idea you're pissed off at him? How much of your building anger is the effect of being at BEC stage with him, and not just the specific action or thing he says? After this party is over, is there any way you can broach this subject in the "when you say this, I feel this, and this made me feel x y z" format to him?

There are definitely ways to highlight his behavior - entitled, out of touch, mildly critical comments that aren't intended as such but sting all the more for being unintentional. (A more mundane example from my life - he's grilling for his family and I'm setting table and making the sides, and he complains they're not ready at the same time. Note that I do 95% of cooking and kitchen cleaning always. I was very proud of myself when I laughed that one off, like "well perhaps next time you show me how to do it better by doing it all by yourself," but with a laugh and not in a fighting tone - and he apologized and generally does if I point out things like that in a calm or upbeat way, and does less of them.)

I think if he's fundamentally a decent guy, just a touch spoiled by your making life easy for him and absorbing his troubles, you can put him back on the right track by setting the resentment aside and pointing out how these comments come across, but somehow tactfully without it being a fight, without signaling hurt or attacking.

On getting him to actually help you in spite of his idiotic pronouncements before. Find reasons why you can't and need his help even in small things, throughout the party and in life in general. "Hey, I have to go to the bathroom really badly, can you watch the kids for a few min?", Even basic things like that; "hey, I'm helping guest A, I promised I would. Can you talk to Vendor B briefly until I come back?" That sort of thing. And ignore the annoyance, because the causes are external to you, and can't be argued with.

Good luck with your party! I hope you both get to enjoy it, see old friends, and he says thank you for everything after it's all said and done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

OP here. This is exactly it. He just said to me that the day after the party, he will be at a sports bar with his friends.
So he is in fact announcing that he is MIA, but for the party, on Thurs, Fri, Sat, and Sunday.
What will be next? Breakfast on Monday? I kid, but not really.

are you part of any of these events? Are they joint friends? I dont understand this. Yes, the party is to celebrate some accomplishment of his, I guess, but it seems weird to me that he's treating you like you're not part of the celebration, just in charge of it. I mean, dont your friends also have kids?

That is exactly what it feels like. I am running the party and he is celebrating. He asked me today if there "are any activities or entertainment planned during the party, or is it just food drinks and music?"
No, sir. There are no jugglers or fire breathers. It's "just" food and drinks and music."

I do feel like I'm being treated as the help. He said something like "Some people are coming in town today, did you plan something or any events?"
No, sir. I did not plan a pre event for the event. And he actually said: "Ok. And I guess you have the kids to manage, also."

I want to smack him in the face.

I’m sorry, OP. I’m glad you can see some humor in the situation.

My DH is not the oblivious @ss it sounds like yours is, but he does have a tendency to treat me as his executive assistant when he gets anxious and wants something accomplished which he doesn’t feel capable of. This includes anything having to do with a contractor or service person, anything involving household appliances or major systems, or anything that requires assembly or repair. It’s galling to be given a list of tasks, and particularly galling to get critiques of my performance. I actually stopped taking calls from him at work, because pre-pandemic he would always call at lunchtime to go over what he thought “we” needed to accomplish in the coming days beyond routine kid activities. But he never micromanages the way I handle my assigned tasks, just sometimes complains about the speed with which I do so.

And this is why I have a job. I could never be treated like that by a spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

OP here. This is exactly it. He just said to me that the day after the party, he will be at a sports bar with his friends.
So he is in fact announcing that he is MIA, but for the party, on Thurs, Fri, Sat, and Sunday.
What will be next? Breakfast on Monday? I kid, but not really.

are you part of any of these events? Are they joint friends? I dont understand this. Yes, the party is to celebrate some accomplishment of his, I guess, but it seems weird to me that he's treating you like you're not part of the celebration, just in charge of it. I mean, dont your friends also have kids?

That is exactly what it feels like. I am running the party and he is celebrating. He asked me today if there "are any activities or entertainment planned during the party, or is it just food drinks and music?"
No, sir. There are no jugglers or fire breathers. It's "just" food and drinks and music."

I do feel like I'm being treated as the help. He said something like "Some people are coming in town today, did you plan something or any events?"
No, sir. I did not plan a pre event for the event. And he actually said: "Ok. And I guess you have the kids to manage, also."

I want to smack him in the face.

I’m sorry, OP. I’m glad you can see some humor in the situation.

My DH is not the oblivious @ss it sounds like yours is, but he does have a tendency to treat me as his executive assistant when he gets anxious and wants something accomplished which he doesn’t feel capable of. This includes anything having to do with a contractor or service person, anything involving household appliances or major systems, or anything that requires assembly or repair. It’s galling to be given a list of tasks, and particularly galling to get critiques of my performance. I actually stopped taking calls from him at work, because pre-pandemic he would always call at lunchtime to go over what he thought “we” needed to accomplish in the coming days beyond routine kid activities. But he never micromanages the way I handle my assigned tasks, just sometimes complains about the speed with which I do so.

And this is why I have a job. I could never be treated like that by a spouse.

Oh, I have a full-time job that pays quite well, though not nearly as well as DH’s. And my DH does a lot of housework and his fair share of parenting. He just always has an extensive to-do list of things he wants accomplished, most of which he thinks can only be done by me. It’s an extremely irritating dynamic, though he’s a great guy generally and would never do what OP’s DH is doing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d have just hired someone to plan the party, op. You also need to decide if this will be a party meant for kids or a grownup party? Personally, I’d have it be a family friendly event.. your husband has probably spent too much time away from you and his kids, more then is good for him even if he has been doing socially acceptable things like work and school. He’s gotten too used to that lifestyle, I’d not be continuing to make it acceptable for him to be absent.
I’ve also noticed many men are critical when women want to hire help which infuriates me because men get whatever help they need, they have secretaries, aide-de-camps in the military, clerks or counselors for church positions and nobody says boo about any of this.
I’d not ask your friends and family to “pitch in”, I’d be done with the friendship if someone did that to me. In fact, my husband and I pretty much were when a friend sprung that on us at his wedding, and no, it wasn’t a Hallmark movie where everybody rallies round because the caterer’s truck wouldn’t start, it was pure selfish greed, and no a last-minute text of “we need this” doesn’t mitigate the rudeness. It also sets up a weird caste system, the friends who help and the ones who don’t.
I’m sorry, op. Unless party planning is your thing, most people don’t know how to do it. You get more people then you planned on, you get requests you don’t know how to deal with, you have physical space requirements, it’s a lot of work. Start channeling your inner Nancy Reagan.

OP here. I just hired day of help

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm more on your side than not OP, given the pieces of attitude from him and that you felt manipulated into doing this party.

At the same time, for the sake of your sanity and marriage, I have to ask: does he have any idea you're pissed off at him? How much of your building anger is the effect of being at BEC stage with him, and not just the specific action or thing he says? After this party is over, is there any way you can broach this subject in the "when you say this, I feel this, and this made me feel x y z" format to him?

There are definitely ways to highlight his behavior - entitled, out of touch, mildly critical comments that aren't intended as such but sting all the more for being unintentional. (A more mundane example from my life - he's grilling for his family and I'm setting table and making the sides, and he complains they're not ready at the same time. Note that I do 95% of cooking and kitchen cleaning always. I was very proud of myself when I laughed that one off, like "well perhaps next time you show me how to do it better by doing it all by yourself," but with a laugh and not in a fighting tone - and he apologized and generally does if I point out things like that in a calm or upbeat way, and does less of them.)

I think if he's fundamentally a decent guy, just a touch spoiled by your making life easy for him and absorbing his troubles, you can put him back on the right track by setting the resentment aside and pointing out how these comments come across, but somehow tactfully without it being a fight, without signaling hurt or attacking.

On getting him to actually help you in spite of his idiotic pronouncements before. Find reasons why you can't and need his help even in small things, throughout the party and in life in general. "Hey, I have to go to the bathroom really badly, can you watch the kids for a few min?", Even basic things like that; "hey, I'm helping guest A, I promised I would. Can you talk to Vendor B briefly until I come back?" That sort of thing. And ignore the annoyance, because the causes are external to you, and can't be argued with.

Good luck with your party! I hope you both get to enjoy it, see old friends, and he says thank you for everything after it's all said and done.

This really resonates with me. I often feel that DH does not experience consequences for his actions or inactions. Because I generally pick up the pieces or predict him dropping the ball, and I'm ready with a backup plan.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm more on your side than not OP, given the pieces of attitude from him and that you felt manipulated into doing this party.

At the same time, for the sake of your sanity and marriage, I have to ask: does he have any idea you're pissed off at him? How much of your building anger is the effect of being at BEC stage with him, and not just the specific action or thing he says? After this party is over, is there any way you can broach this subject in the "when you say this, I feel this, and this made me feel x y z" format to him?

There are definitely ways to highlight his behavior - entitled, out of touch, mildly critical comments that aren't intended as such but sting all the more for being unintentional. (A more mundane example from my life - he's grilling for his family and I'm setting table and making the sides, and he complains they're not ready at the same time. Note that I do 95% of cooking and kitchen cleaning always. I was very proud of myself when I laughed that one off, like "well perhaps next time you show me how to do it better by doing it all by yourself," but with a laugh and not in a fighting tone - and he apologized and generally does if I point out things like that in a calm or upbeat way, and does less of them.)

I think if he's fundamentally a decent guy, just a touch spoiled by your making life easy for him and absorbing his troubles, you can put him back on the right track by setting the resentment aside and pointing out how these comments come across, but somehow tactfully without it being a fight, without signaling hurt or attacking.

On getting him to actually help you in spite of his idiotic pronouncements before. Find reasons why you can't and need his help even in small things, throughout the party and in life in general. "Hey, I have to go to the bathroom really badly, can you watch the kids for a few min?", Even basic things like that; "hey, I'm helping guest A, I promised I would. Can you talk to Vendor B briefly until I come back?" That sort of thing. And ignore the annoyance, because the causes are external to you, and can't be argued with.


No, he probably doesn't have any idea.
And my feelings of resentment are growing.
I am slightly amused that I am at work right now, and he is calling and texting me about having to deal with repairmen and asking what should he do etc. In my mind I am thinking- this is funny. Your exact words to me were "i want to be the last person you come to for help with this party. not the first." Since he said that, I don't feel supported and like I should be able to count on him for support or even just to vent about a frustration.

Meanwhile, he is venting to me and asking me to help him manage a house repair and I'm not even physically at home. So it's ok for him to reach out to me first for help, but I have to exhaust all other resources and only go to him last.

[Anonymous]

OP, you have my permission to tell him that you want to be the last person he asks for help with house repair, not the first.