is DH being an unreasonable brat, or am i stressed and being too sensitve?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've only read the first page but I don't think your husband is being an unreasonable brat. He's having a weekend where it's all about him. He has helped with some things you have asked him to do. He is telling you IN ADVANCE that he wants to be off for childcare purposes for the whole weekend and he also don't want to be running around doing things - he wants to be enjoying himself. He hasn't asked for a month, or even an entire week. He wants one weekend to be able to enjoy his friends and family and be celebrated without having to worry about taking a phone call from the caterer. That seems very reasonable to me, and good for him for telling you what he wants instead of expecting you to read his mind and then being mad at you.

It's weird to me that you're turning this whole thing into something about YOU. Let him thank you after the wonderful weekend. Why are you insisting that he only have as much fun as you are having? I really don't get your thinking at all. If I were throwing a party FOR MY HUSBAND (not with my husband, not for our friends, but actually for him), I would be fine doing everything for it so he could enjoy himself. Isn't that the point?!?

DP. You should have read more. The problem is not that he doesn't want to be on call for anything, but that he's micromanaging how she does things. She wants to hire help for childcare. He balks at it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Woman here and I totally disagree. It’s one weekend. You can arrange childcare. If it were a woman being fêted for some combo of 40th bday and making partner, she would be fuming that she had to ask, and that DH was giving her chores to do for her own celebration, and tasking her with childcare all weekend. And people here would be saying “tell him what you want.” OP, if you’re going to celebrate him, and people are coming in from out of town, do it right. Don’t be passive aggressive.

Hire childcare. Enjoy the party and your friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. He keeps telling me to outsource various things to friends and family. Yes, people have said they will help. Sure, there are some things I can imagine getting a cousin or friend to help with.
But overall, I feel strongly that invited guests should not be put to work. People spent a lot of time and money to travel for this. They are guests.
And the big ticket items that I'd need help with are either childcare- not going to ask a guest, even a relative, to babysit my kids- or things like meeting the caterer, making sure things

I think I am going to bite the bullet and hire a day of coordinator/extra set of hands.

When I said this he seemed critical of me. "Why would you pay for help when so many people are offering to help you."

1- Because I believe that guests should be treated like guests, not unpaid help.
2- Because someone I hire and pay for, frankly, does what I need to get done, and will handle things I either don't want to or won't have the time to
3- If he said he did not want to co host or coordinate the event, then why is he micromanaging how I choose to execute things?

I'm really frustrated yall. I've spent a lot of money, time, and thought trying to make this a really big gesture for him.
To actually say- I want to be the last person you ask for help, not the only one? What a jerk.

I find it very odd that you don't want to put guests to work but you are willing to put the person being celebrated to work...

I also wouldn't put guests to work unless they volunteered, but can you not see how it looks like you're being more sensitive to the guests who are coming to celebrate your husband than to your husband (without whom there would be no party...)?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Woman here and I totally disagree. It’s one weekend. You can arrange childcare. If it were a woman being fêted for some combo of 40th bday and making partner, she would be fuming that she had to ask, and that DH was giving her chores to do for her own celebration, and tasking her with childcare all weekend. And people here would be saying “tell him what you want.” OP, if you’re going to celebrate him, and people are coming in from out of town, do it right. Don’t be passive aggressive.

+1000

Also a woman

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, are you White?

Go away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband is a huge dork.

I’d love to know what the milestone is. If this guy’s putting all this together because he made partner at a law firm or something like that, you should leave him.

Also what kind of straight man orchestrates a celebration of himself? That’s for teenage girls and gays. Get him a feather boa for the evening.

This. Are people flying in to celebrate him making partner?! I hope he won a Nobel prize or something, but o don’t think you’d call that a milestone. This seems way over the top. I’m embarrassed for him that he is so me, me, me.

My husband became a partner at a top ten law firm and I don't think he told anyone. He also bought me a present as a thank you gift. OP's husband is a dork.

Who cares? This is not about you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Woman here and I totally disagree. It’s one weekend. You can arrange childcare. If it were a woman being fêted for some combo of 40th bday and making partner, she would be fuming that she had to ask, and that DH was giving her chores to do for her own celebration, and tasking her with childcare all weekend. And people here would be saying “tell him what you want.” OP, if you’re going to celebrate him, and people are coming in from out of town, do it right. Don’t be passive aggressive.

OP here. I don't think that parenting in our home for the 6 hours before a party starts is giving my DH chores or tasking him with childcare all weekend. He is implying that he should be able to/wants to basically be MIA the whole weekend and the party and the kids are my responsibility. As in, if he wants to spend the morning and afternoon before the event golfing with his college buddies, he should be able to, and the kids are my responsibility. AKA he gets to check out completely from any responsibility.

Why shouldn't he be allowed to check out completely from any responsibility one weekend? Seriously, why?

I have three close girlfriends from college and we get together three to four times a year. Sometimes it's away from my city (we all live in different cities), sometime I host. When I host my friends, I do NOTHING around the house. I don't do anything with my kids, I don't feed the dogs, etc. I hang out with my friends, just like I would if I were at one of their houses. My husband is fine with this. When his turn comes, I do the same.

You seem to have a really weird marriage, at least on your side. Your husband sounds quite reasonable, honestly. Why shouldn't he be allowed to go golfing with his college buddies when they're in town for one weekend? Again, WHY?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What exactly is it that you want him to do? The post is confusing for me.

I think what i Would like to hear is something like
"THANKS DW for planning this big celebration for me. I know it has been a lot. Let's figure out how WE can handle the kids or any outlier responsibilities so that WE BOTH can enjoy this weekend."

vs

come to me last with help
im the guest of honor and want to be treated so
its predictable that you are going to be overwhelmed this weekend so you better figure it out. except dont count on me!

IT'S A WEEKEND ABOUT HIM. IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU.

Ah, that's it. That's the problem. You act like you're going to do something to celebrate him but actually you hate him and you're super annoyed that everyone is coming to town for him, not for you.

Think long and hard about that. Would you expect your best friend to plan her own baby shower? No, you'd do it all and you wouldn't want her to lift a finger. Why is this any different?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are being the unreasonable brat. It is One. Effing. Weekend. Are you this spoiled and pampered about everything? Frankly you sound like an exhausting princess and I cannot imagine anyone wanting to be married to you. Sounds like you are your DH were made for each other, each thinking they deserve to be spoiled all the time.

Hi OP’s DH!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If his college buddies are flying in from all over the country to spend the weekend celebrating his milestone …. Then, yes, he should spend the morning golfing with them!

Now, whether he acts appreciative of your efforts is a different question.

And the 2 nights before going out with them

I'm not disagreeing with you, just wanting to make clear that he is not asking for a few hours. He is literally asking for a 4 day weekend of
"not it!"
"fete me!"

What's so wrong about that?

Do you work, OP?

[Anonymous]

It’s absurd in its face for a grown adult to be demanding an extended celebration of himself in which he is . No achievement justifies this kind of my super sweet sixteen nonsense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find it ironic that he thinks you should outsource work to family and friends (who are guests) just so he can be…a guest at his open party. He’s being a prima Donna but at this point I would hire childcare (although dh needs the babysitter) and help for day off.
And then….Figure out where you are going to take yourself (without him) when it’s your milestone.

This.

The funny/sad thing is- if the roles were reversed....he would NEVER think it was acceptable for me to just essentially dip out on childcare for a weekend and just be floating, free, and feted. I guarantee he would say I needed to think through the logistics with him.

He did that - he told you what he wanted. If the roles were reversed, I bet you wouldn't say anything about wanting to be free to do whatever you wanted and then you'd be mad that he wasn't psychic and hadn't figured it out. He used his words.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are people scolding OP for not hiring or outsourcing missing the part where her husband doesn’t want her to? So to recap, he hints he wants to be celebrated, she obliged, said it happily turned larger but she needs some extra help and he said it won’t be him and it can’t be anyone not a guest at the party. That’s a brat right there.

Ha ha ha, I really doubt that's how that went down. Here's how it would have happened in my house, where two grownups who have the ability to have a conversation live:

Me: I think I'm going to hire an event planner to help with the logistics of the wedding.
Husband: Why would you hire someone when there are going to be so many guests who would be happy to help out?
[This is where OP flips her lid and storms out of the room]
Me: I'd rather the guests be able to enjoy the party and not feel like they have to work there.
Husband: That makes sense, I was just thinking these people love being involved but yeah, it would be more fun if we were all "off" and could just have fun

You're hearing OP's side of the story. I bet her husband would say the conversation went down differently.

Serious question OP - when your husband says something that bothers you (like apparently he does all the time), do you just huff off and then go moan about how awful he is? Or do you say to him, hey, what you said bothered me and here's why, so that he can understand why what he said may have been problematic or otherwise explain what he meant? People say the wrong thing ALL THE TIME. Whenever my husband or I get irked with something the other said we try to resolve it (usually the person who said it didn't mean it the way the person who heard it interpreted it). Have you ever tried that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are being the unreasonable brat. It is One. Effing. Weekend. Are you this spoiled and pampered about everything? Frankly you sound like an exhausting princess and I cannot imagine anyone wanting to be married to you. Sounds like you are your DH were made for each other, each thinking they deserve to be spoiled all the time.

Hi OP’s DH!

I wrote this. I’m a woman actually.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Woman here and I totally disagree. It’s one weekend. You can arrange childcare. If it were a woman being fêted for some combo of 40th bday and making partner, she would be fuming that she had to ask, and that DH was giving her chores to do for her own celebration, and tasking her with childcare all weekend. And people here would be saying “tell him what you want.” OP, if you’re going to celebrate him, and people are coming in from out of town, do it right. Don’t be passive aggressive.

I want to live in a universe where a woman turns 40 AND makes partner AND her DH throws a party that requires zero involvement by the woman.

I'm sad that you have such a crappy husband.