SAHMs with no retirement or college savings

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom was like this. It was really annoying. They then refused to pay for college but I had to pick up their tab due to the expected family contribution and due to my dad's income, I could not get grants. My dad was not loaded but had enough that I was not grant eligible. I took out private loans at 9% and had 70k in debt from undergrad in 1999.

It really derailed my adult life. I did okay but I could have done better if I did not have that debt because I felt I could not consider professional school. It took all the joy out of my 20s...I worked 3 jobs until 33 to pay it off.

I felt my mom was lazy and had no excuse.

I will never every do that to my kids.

I work full time and have since they were born.

So my mom did go back to work, but I had 4 siblings so my parents ability to contribute was limited...........but I had the exact same experience. And man was I pissed at my parents for quite awhile bc they had always encouraged college and gave every indication they would pay. Until reality hit and they couldn't. I refused to do that to my kids. I worked and saved bc I didn't want to put my kids in the same situation I was.

[Anonymous]

I feel like the entitlement on DCUM has hit a new level.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:most people do t save anything for college. i grew up lower middle class and my parents saved nothing.

i didn’t realize saving for college was a thing until i started working with affluent people.

my brother and i got scholarships and financial aid and graduated debt free.

Affluent people and Asian immigrants pay for their kids education. Otherwise, it is not a thing.

My Chinese parents didn't get the memo that they were supposed to pay for my education.
But they sure let their friends know how the tuition bills are hard on them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What’s interesting to me is that a lot of SAHMs don’t seem to realize they aren’t contributing to retirement. They will often say their husband is saving in other accounts, but they don’t recognize how the benefit of a 401k is bankruptcy, tax deferred etc. They also don’t seem to understand that their husband’s 401k is only in his name. My own mother stayed home and I have power of attorney for my dad. She can’t even call up the brokerage firm to make a transaction since her name isn’t on the account. SAHms are truly screwed on the retirement front.

This isn’t the SAHM fault. Why isn’t it a law that married people can share their names on a 401k? All other assets from the marriage are usually considered joint property.

I think it's the same logic as to why the company paycheck is not made out to the married couple but to the employee only. The 401K is a company perk, not a couple perk. Of course by law it is a marital asset just like the paychecks earned during marriage are. But that is for the divorce lawyers to settle if it comes to that.

But pay checks, written out to the employee, are put into whatever account the employee designates, including joint accounts. The same should be done with retirement accounts. Its not like every company out their holds the 401K. They transfer the money to larger financial institutions like Fidelity and Vanguard. There is no reason employees shouldn't have the option to make these accounts joint.

I will add that I've found with our health insurance that only I have access to all of the billing info when we've had insurance through my employer, and only my partner has access to all of billing info when we've had insurance with his company. We've kept the same insurance plan over the years (Kaiser), but who Kaiser gives full access to depends on whose employer provides the health insurance. It makes zero sense.

Makes a lot of sense to me. The 'primary insured' is the one holding the liabilities when the bill comes due, usually that is the working spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom was like this. It was really annoying. They then refused to pay for college but I had to pick up their tab due to the expected family contribution and due to my dad's income, I could not get grants. My dad was not loaded but had enough that I was not grant eligible. I took out private loans at 9% and had 70k in debt from undergrad in 1999.

It really derailed my adult life. I did okay but I could have done better if I did not have that debt because I felt I could not consider professional school. It took all the joy out of my 20s...I worked 3 jobs until 33 to pay it off.

I felt my mom was lazy and had no excuse.

I will never every do that to my kids.

I work full time and have since they were born.

Wait.. YOU picked up THEIR tab? Entitled much?

Yes. I picked up their tab. It is called an expected family contribution. Everyone has this. If your parents make no money, their expectation is $0. My parents had a little so there was no grants for me. I could get some stafford loans but that did not cover the cost of education at even a public school. I went to a private school that was cheaper than public due to a scholarship. I still had the deficit is what the federal govt. says my parents should pay. I could not say they would not pay and redo my financial aid package. I tried. Every student has an EFC. Most kids do not have to go to the bank to take out private loans because their parents refuse to pay. I was not eligible for more aid. It was their tab, according to the government. If my parents were low-income, I could have gotten pell grants and other grants to cover the cost. You do not understand financial aid. The kicker was that I got into a different college that gave me more scholarship money and they refused to let me go there, and then they stopped paying. Transferring would not work because I did not take that scholarship because it had expired because I did not enroll as a freshman. Having to get a 9% loan to cover the cost of what the federal government said they would contribute and would not give me more aid was their tab. Ballooning to 70k in 1999 was unheard of. That is what happens with private loans. Get off my case. They insisted on college and screwed me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom was like this. It was really annoying. They then refused to pay for college but I had to pick up their tab due to the expected family contribution and due to my dad's income, I could not get grants. My dad was not loaded but had enough that I was not grant eligible. I took out private loans at 9% and had 70k in debt from undergrad in 1999.

It really derailed my adult life. I did okay but I could have done better if I did not have that debt because I felt I could not consider professional school. It took all the joy out of my 20s...I worked 3 jobs until 33 to pay it off.

I felt my mom was lazy and had no excuse.

I will never every do that to my kids.

I work full time and have since they were born.

So my mom did go back to work, but I had 4 siblings so my parents ability to contribute was limited...........but I had the exact same experience. And man was I pissed at my parents for quite awhile bc they had always encouraged college and gave every indication they would pay. Until reality hit and they couldn't. I refused to do that to my kids. I worked and saved bc I didn't want to put my kids in the same situation I was.

This is an entirely different situation. It sounds like your parents did the best they could.

I think non working SAHM of high school kids without college savings and/retirement just seem lazy. Very different than a wealthy SAHM who can afford not to work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My wife only worked the first 24 months of out marriage. We have been married 24 years. She made 60k a year back then.

I entered marriage myself with a net worth of around 100k. Today we have around 2 million real estate, 2 million 401k, 1.5 million stocks after tax and 500k cash or cash equivalents

We divorce she gets three million plus my SS and I am near max.

I also and over 1/2 way done paying for college.

She has no reason not to work. But to be honest 21 years outside labor force who is hiring her?

What’s the point of this post? To brag? How is this remotely relevant to a discussion about a SAHM of high schooler who can’t afford to save for retirement or college?

Also how are people capable on making this much money but are incapable of basic reading comprehension?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom was like this. It was really annoying. They then refused to pay for college but I had to pick up their tab due to the expected family contribution and due to my dad's income, I could not get grants. My dad was not loaded but had enough that I was not grant eligible. I took out private loans at 9% and had 70k in debt from undergrad in 1999.

It really derailed my adult life. I did okay but I could have done better if I did not have that debt because I felt I could not consider professional school. It took all the joy out of my 20s...I worked 3 jobs until 33 to pay it off.

I felt my mom was lazy and had no excuse.

I will never every do that to my kids.

I work full time and have since they were born.

Wait.. YOU picked up THEIR tab? Entitled much?

Yes. I picked up their tab. It is called an expected family contribution. Everyone has this. If your parents make no money, their expectation is $0. My parents had a little so there was no grants for me. I could get some stafford loans but that did not cover the cost of education at even a public school. I went to a private school that was cheaper than public due to a scholarship. I still had the deficit is what the federal govt. says my parents should pay. I could not say they would not pay and redo my financial aid package. I tried. Every student has an EFC. Most kids do not have to go to the bank to take out private loans because their parents refuse to pay. I was not eligible for more aid. It was their tab, according to the government. If my parents were low-income, I could have gotten pell grants and other grants to cover the cost. You do not understand financial aid. The kicker was that I got into a different college that gave me more scholarship money and they refused to let me go there, and then they stopped paying. Transferring would not work because I did not take that scholarship because it had expired because I did not enroll as a freshman. Having to get a 9% loan to cover the cost of what the federal government said they would contribute and would not give me more aid was their tab. Ballooning to 70k in 1999 was unheard of. That is what happens with private loans. Get off my case. They insisted on college and screwed me.

I’m so sorry OP! You still sound angry. I wish you luck.

[Anonymous]

It's ok. There's always an alternative way. The thing is the kids need to realize the parents are not always going to be able to financially give you the money you need to do anything. I learned that early when I had to go to college. Notice I said I HAD to go to college. There is no other choice or I would end up to be in the same low income category as my parents. Then, again my parents were refugees so I know how much they sacrifice for us to be here.

I put myself through college since I came from a low income family. It was all about the grants they gave me each semester. There are plenty of money out there. You just have to know where to apply and ask for money. Nowadays, you can research online. In the 80s, I would go to a library and look through books in the reference section to look for organizations that give money for those who can't afford to go to college. I would work part time through out the year to earn a bit of money...really that only covered those expensive text books. In the summer, I would work full time and again save the little money I earned. I ate bologna sandwich often. I took the public bus. I learned to navigate the bus schedules in the rain, snow and 100 degree weather.

So, it is doable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you're a troll, but I'l answer why I probably won't go back to work even though I might not even be able to pay for tuition at a state school.

I have applied to many, many jobs, and I can't get any that will work with a flexible-ish schedule that would actually make a decent amount of money. I am being picky, I know, but I would like medical and maybe 60K. The only thing I can think of that would get me some marketable skills are going back to school (which would require money upfront) or doing something very low-paying in the hopes that it would eventually lead to something more. I'm not sure I'd be better off doing that than I would be focusing on saving money at home.

Right now, I like being able to do all my home tasks while the kids are at school so we can all just chill on the weekends, and I like spending after-school time with my kids since they are going to be gone so soon. At this point I'm not going to get a job that wouldn't let me do those things so they can go to a more expensive school. That is just my choice.

Also, some people don't realize just how expensive college has become. They think that the way to afford college is pretty much the same as what it was when they went, and that every single person complaining about student loans is just an idiot who went to a college that can change lives for a degree in gender studies.

The ironic part about this is that trying to find this kind of flexibility with no updated skill set in essentially an entry level position, is nearly impossible. If college educated women choose not to leave the workforce for 10 years and kept going, they’d be skilled enough and with enough experience in white collar jobs to get one with this exact kind of flexibility! How do I know? Because I’m a mom who works fully remote at home from approx 9am to 3:30pm when my dd gets off the bus from school. I have unlimited PTO so I have no hesitation in taking sick days when my kids are home sick or need to go to appointments. Sure, I might not become a VP but I have exactly what this pp describes (and make over 160k to boot) because I didn't leave the workforce to be a sah. And if god forbid something we’re to happen to our marriage or Dh, I can support my family and have my own retirement savings. It is such a huge risk and loss that women take when they choose to stay at home.

If daycare was more available and affordable, and maternity leave were longer, you might see more women that don't quit to SAH. I personally left to SAH and I didn't want to quit entirely, but I didn't really have any good options at the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you're a troll, but I'l answer why I probably won't go back to work even though I might not even be able to pay for tuition at a state school.

I have applied to many, many jobs, and I can't get any that will work with a flexible-ish schedule that would actually make a decent amount of money. I am being picky, I know, but I would like medical and maybe 60K. The only thing I can think of that would get me some marketable skills are going back to school (which would require money upfront) or doing something very low-paying in the hopes that it would eventually lead to something more. I'm not sure I'd be better off doing that than I would be focusing on saving money at home.

Right now, I like being able to do all my home tasks while the kids are at school so we can all just chill on the weekends, and I like spending after-school time with my kids since they are going to be gone so soon. At this point I'm not going to get a job that wouldn't let me do those things so they can go to a more expensive school. That is just my choice.

Also, some people don't realize just how expensive college has become. They think that the way to afford college is pretty much the same as what it was when they went, and that every single person complaining about student loans is just an idiot who went to a college that can change lives for a degree in gender studies.

The ironic part about this is that trying to find this kind of flexibility with no updated skill set in essentially an entry level position, is nearly impossible. If college educated women choose not to leave the workforce for 10 years and kept going, they’d be skilled enough and with enough experience in white collar jobs to get one with this exact kind of flexibility! How do I know? Because I’m a mom who works fully remote at home from approx 9am to 3:30pm when my dd gets off the bus from school. I have unlimited PTO so I have no hesitation in taking sick days when my kids are home sick or need to go to appointments. Sure, I might not become a VP but I have exactly what this pp describes (and make over 160k to boot) because I didn't leave the workforce to be a sah. And if god forbid something we’re to happen to our marriage or Dh, I can support my family and have my own retirement savings. It is such a huge risk and loss that women take when they choose to stay at home.

If daycare was more available and affordable, and maternity leave were longer, you might see more women that don't quit to SAH. I personally left to SAH and I didn't want to quit entirely, but I didn't really have any good options at the time.

Then why didn’t you return to work? Women say it’s because a lack of maternity leave but then years later they still aren’t working! Some women just don’t want to be at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you're a troll, but I'l answer why I probably won't go back to work even though I might not even be able to pay for tuition at a state school.

I have applied to many, many jobs, and I can't get any that will work with a flexible-ish schedule that would actually make a decent amount of money. I am being picky, I know, but I would like medical and maybe 60K. The only thing I can think of that would get me some marketable skills are going back to school (which would require money upfront) or doing something very low-paying in the hopes that it would eventually lead to something more. I'm not sure I'd be better off doing that than I would be focusing on saving money at home.

Right now, I like being able to do all my home tasks while the kids are at school so we can all just chill on the weekends, and I like spending after-school time with my kids since they are going to be gone so soon. At this point I'm not going to get a job that wouldn't let me do those things so they can go to a more expensive school. That is just my choice.

Also, some people don't realize just how expensive college has become. They think that the way to afford college is pretty much the same as what it was when they went, and that every single person complaining about student loans is just an idiot who went to a college that can change lives for a degree in gender studies.

Probably because when maternity ends you have a job to go back to. After SAH there is no clear job to return to.

The ironic part about this is that trying to find this kind of flexibility with no updated skill set in essentially an entry level position, is nearly impossible. If college educated women choose not to leave the workforce for 10 years and kept going, they’d be skilled enough and with enough experience in white collar jobs to get one with this exact kind of flexibility! How do I know? Because I’m a mom who works fully remote at home from approx 9am to 3:30pm when my dd gets off the bus from school. I have unlimited PTO so I have no hesitation in taking sick days when my kids are home sick or need to go to appointments. Sure, I might not become a VP but I have exactly what this pp describes (and make over 160k to boot) because I didn't leave the workforce to be a sah. And if god forbid something we’re to happen to our marriage or Dh, I can support my family and have my own retirement savings. It is such a huge risk and loss that women take when they choose to stay at home.

If daycare was more available and affordable, and maternity leave were longer, you might see more women that don't quit to SAH. I personally left to SAH and I didn't want to quit entirely, but I didn't really have any good options at the time.

Then why didn’t you return to work? Women say it’s because a lack of maternity leave but then years later they still aren’t working! Some women just don’t want to be at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you're a troll, but I'l answer why I probably won't go back to work even though I might not even be able to pay for tuition at a state school.

I have applied to many, many jobs, and I can't get any that will work with a flexible-ish schedule that would actually make a decent amount of money. I am being picky, I know, but I would like medical and maybe 60K. The only thing I can think of that would get me some marketable skills are going back to school (which would require money upfront) or doing something very low-paying in the hopes that it would eventually lead to something more. I'm not sure I'd be better off doing that than I would be focusing on saving money at home.

Right now, I like being able to do all my home tasks while the kids are at school so we can all just chill on the weekends, and I like spending after-school time with my kids since they are going to be gone so soon. At this point I'm not going to get a job that wouldn't let me do those things so they can go to a more expensive school. That is just my choice.

Also, some people don't realize just how expensive college has become. They think that the way to afford college is pretty much the same as what it was when they went, and that every single person complaining about student loans is just an idiot who went to a college that can change lives for a degree in gender studies.

The ironic part about this is that trying to find this kind of flexibility with no updated skill set in essentially an entry level position, is nearly impossible. If college educated women choose not to leave the workforce for 10 years and kept going, they’d be skilled enough and with enough experience in white collar jobs to get one with this exact kind of flexibility! How do I know? Because I’m a mom who works fully remote at home from approx 9am to 3:30pm when my dd gets off the bus from school. I have unlimited PTO so I have no hesitation in taking sick days when my kids are home sick or need to go to appointments. Sure, I might not become a VP but I have exactly what this pp describes (and make over 160k to boot) because I didn't leave the workforce to be a sah. And if god forbid something we’re to happen to our marriage or Dh, I can support my family and have my own retirement savings. It is such a huge risk and loss that women take when they choose to stay at home.

If daycare was more available and affordable, and maternity leave were longer, you might see more women that don't quit to SAH. I personally left to SAH and I didn't want to quit entirely, but I didn't really have any good options at the time.

Then why didn’t you return to work? Women say it’s because a lack of maternity leave but then years later they still aren’t working! Some women just don’t want to be at home.

With longer maternity leave you'd return to a job you'd already done with colleagues who (hopefully) already value your contributions. That is quite an easier thing than interviewing for countless positions and starting all over in a new job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom was like this. It was really annoying. They then refused to pay for college but I had to pick up their tab due to the expected family contribution and due to my dad's income, I could not get grants. My dad was not loaded but had enough that I was not grant eligible. I took out private loans at 9% and had 70k in debt from undergrad in 1999.

It really derailed my adult life. I did okay but I could have done better if I did not have that debt because I felt I could not consider professional school. It took all the joy out of my 20s...I worked 3 jobs until 33 to pay it off.

I felt my mom was lazy and had no excuse.

I will never every do that to my kids.

I work full time and have since they were born.

Wait.. YOU picked up THEIR tab? Entitled much?

Yes. I picked up their tab. It is called an expected family contribution. Everyone has this. If your parents make no money, their expectation is $0. My parents had a little so there was no grants for me. I could get some stafford loans but that did not cover the cost of education at even a public school. I went to a private school that was cheaper than public due to a scholarship. I still had the deficit is what the federal govt. says my parents should pay. I could not say they would not pay and redo my financial aid package. I tried. Every student has an EFC. Most kids do not have to go to the bank to take out private loans because their parents refuse to pay. I was not eligible for more aid. It was their tab, according to the government. If my parents were low-income, I could have gotten pell grants and other grants to cover the cost. You do not understand financial aid. The kicker was that I got into a different college that gave me more scholarship money and they refused to let me go there, and then they stopped paying. Transferring would not work because I did not take that scholarship because it had expired because I did not enroll as a freshman. Having to get a 9% loan to cover the cost of what the federal government said they would contribute and would not give me more aid was their tab. Ballooning to 70k in 1999 was unheard of. That is what happens with private loans. Get off my case. They insisted on college and screwed me.

I’m so sorry OP! You still sound angry. I wish you luck.

Of course I am angry. It changed the trajectory of my life and limited me from pursuing professional school (law or medicine). I had too much debt. I could not consider more. I had a $800 student loan payment at 21 with a BA. I barely speak to my parents now. I will never, ever do that to my kids (and the reason they cut me off...they are racist and found out about my boyfriend). This is not a forgivable thing. My kids are are on track to have college paid for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom was like this. It was really annoying. They then refused to pay for college but I had to pick up their tab due to the expected family contribution and due to my dad's income, I could not get grants. My dad was not loaded but had enough that I was not grant eligible. I took out private loans at 9% and had 70k in debt from undergrad in 1999.

It really derailed my adult life. I did okay but I could have done better if I did not have that debt because I felt I could not consider professional school. It took all the joy out of my 20s...I worked 3 jobs until 33 to pay it off.

I felt my mom was lazy and had no excuse.

I will never every do that to my kids.

I work full time and have since they were born.

Wait.. YOU picked up THEIR tab? Entitled much?

Yes. I picked up their tab. It is called an expected family contribution. Everyone has this. If your parents make no money, their expectation is $0. My parents had a little so there was no grants for me. I could get some stafford loans but that did not cover the cost of education at even a public school. I went to a private school that was cheaper than public due to a scholarship. I still had the deficit is what the federal govt. says my parents should pay. I could not say they would not pay and redo my financial aid package. I tried. Every student has an EFC. Most kids do not have to go to the bank to take out private loans because their parents refuse to pay. I was not eligible for more aid. It was their tab, according to the government. If my parents were low-income, I could have gotten pell grants and other grants to cover the cost. You do not understand financial aid. The kicker was that I got into a different college that gave me more scholarship money and they refused to let me go there, and then they stopped paying. Transferring would not work because I did not take that scholarship because it had expired because I did not enroll as a freshman. Having to get a 9% loan to cover the cost of what the federal government said they would contribute and would not give me more aid was their tab. Ballooning to 70k in 1999 was unheard of. That is what happens with private loans. Get off my case. They insisted on college and screwed me.

I’m so sorry OP! You still sound angry. I wish you luck.

Of course I am angry. It changed the trajectory of my life and limited me from pursuing professional school (law or medicine). I had too much debt. I could not consider more. I had a $800 student loan payment at 21 with a BA. I barely speak to my parents now. I will never, ever do that to my kids (and the reason they cut me off...they are racist and found out about my boyfriend). This is not a forgivable thing. My kids are are on track to have college paid for.

Oh and I am not OP...I am a PP.