SAHMs with no retirement or college savings

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dad used my college savings on women and Thomas Kincade paintings. I had to leave the OOS university I attended after year one and enrolled in a community college, then local four-year university. Had loans afterward. Won't put my kids through that.

Thomas Kincaide paintings … ouch!!

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:My mom was like this. It was really annoying. They then refused to pay for college but I had to pick up their tab due to the expected family contribution and due to my dad's income, I could not get grants. My dad was not loaded but had enough that I was not grant eligible. I took out private loans at 9% and had 70k in debt from undergrad in 1999.

It really derailed my adult life. I did okay but I could have done better if I did not have that debt because I felt I could not consider professional school. It took all the joy out of my 20s...I worked 3 jobs until 33 to pay it off.

I felt my mom was lazy and had no excuse.

I will never every do that to my kids.

I work full time and have since they were born.

Wait.. YOU picked up THEIR tab? Entitled much?

Yes. I picked up their tab. It is called an expected family contribution. Everyone has this. If your parents make no money, their expectation is $0. My parents had a little so there was no grants for me. I could get some stafford loans but that did not cover the cost of education at even a public school. I went to a private school that was cheaper than public due to a scholarship. I still had the deficit is what the federal govt. says my parents should pay. I could not say they would not pay and redo my financial aid package. I tried. Every student has an EFC. Most kids do not have to go to the bank to take out private loans because their parents refuse to pay. I was not eligible for more aid. It was their tab, according to the government. If my parents were low-income, I could have gotten pell grants and other grants to cover the cost. You do not understand financial aid. The kicker was that I got into a different college that gave me more scholarship money and they refused to let me go there, and then they stopped paying. Transferring would not work because I did not take that scholarship because it had expired because I did not enroll as a freshman. Having to get a 9% loan to cover the cost of what the federal government said they would contribute and would not give me more aid was their tab. Ballooning to 70k in 1999 was unheard of. That is what happens with private loans. Get off my case. They insisted on college and screwed me.

I’m so sorry OP! You still sound angry. I wish you luck.

Of course I am angry. It changed the trajectory of my life and limited me from pursuing professional school (law or medicine). I had too much debt. I could not consider more. I had a $800 student loan payment at 21 with a BA. I barely speak to my parents now. I will never, ever do that to my kids (and the reason they cut me off...they are racist and found out about my boyfriend). This is not a forgivable thing. My kids are are on track to have college paid for.

Girl, it's not your parents fault you took out all that money. Tuition at University of Maryland was $3,500 per year in 1995. You could have gone to a community college for much less. Having $70k of student debt in the 90s from just undergrad is no one's fault but your own. Like, you'd specifically have to TRY to have that much debt. Grow up.

Aha and plenty of people do NOVA online at $1000 per 3 credits now and get employed by big companies. Then go get their masters at Ivy with earned income. Google founder went to UMD. I don't get it either

There was no online education in 1995 to 1999 and I know this because I developed online courses when they started in 2004 and you’re still not understanding than expected family contribution is the same figure whether you go to a private school or a public school which is why they encourage families to apply for private schools because in many many cases it is actually cheaper than a public institution if you get a scholarship but that doesn’t usually include the cost of room and board that you were paying for even if you go to a public school ! Clearly none of you understand how college financial aid works or you had your parents pay so you don’t understand or your parents had no money so you were getting everything in grants and didn’t have to take out loans regardless most students do not have to take out private loans because they’re able to get federal loans based on their parents income. You are failing to understand that I could not get with other students could get because my parents made too much money and they are expected to pay a certain amount so I had to cover the cost it does not matter if the institution was public or private and like I said my private cost was cheaper than transferring to a public institution or I would’ve had to go to school longer due to lost credits and the tuition was virtually the same because of a scholarship. But it did not cover everything which is why I had to get private loans. If there are typos it’s because I’m talking into my phone and I’m not actually typing.

You could still attend George Mason or Nova, then find a job and attend a grand program in parallel. All my foreign born piers/first generation immigrants did this and got masters with zero debt. They did live with families thus had zero living expenses. There were community colleges already back then

Could you have stayed at parents' home attending a community college? Did they kick you out?

My parents cut me off for not liking a boyfriend. You can’t read. They lived in NY. I was in MD. There was no college where they lived anyway because they lived in a world area where there were no colleges. I literally went to the public university nearby like I said and sat down with their financial aid office and my private college financial aid office and transferring would not have been cheaper I still had to pay my parents expected family contribution and the tuition was equal due to my scholarship I had to take loans for the rest that it did not cover and I had to cover my only cost of living which included room and board school supplies etc. I was not in my parents health insurance I did not have any money whatsoever and I did not speak to them for five years. There was no living at home as an option. I was completely cut off and I had to pay what the government said they had to pay with taking out a combination of the federal loans and the remaining being private loans at a bank at an interest rate three times higher than federal loans. Your foreigner friends had family support and they had little to no income so they didn’t have a family expected contribution and they could live at home.
Once again, this was not my scenario.

I am sorry to hear that. However, if you choose to move into with a man your parents disprove, they are not required to finance your household. He (the boyfriend) should have supported you. You could have worked and saved for couple years before going to college and accumulating loans. Hope all worked out with that boyfriend.
As to my college, my husband paid for it: I married at 21 right out of parents' house and he just gave me a check for 4 years tuition. I married well and divorced even better. Women have powers - your parents have nothing to do with that

I didn’t live with my boyfriend I was just dating somebody on campus. I lived in a dorm. It wasn’t serious at the time.

Also, I was not interested in a serious relationship. I was just dating. I had no plans to marry before 30. My education mattered to me. My parents going postal and giving me a huge debt load on purpose because they are racist is pure evil. They would have never done that to a son. It wasn’t serious and I didn’t even tell them about the boyfriend they spying on me and found out that I was going on some dates then called the financial aid office and told him never to send them a bill again and then they called me and told me that I had to figure it out because I had to pay what that contribution was and the public university down the street said the same thing and said that the cost would be equal in fact if I transferred I would end up paying more because a lot of my credits wouldn’t transfer and I would have to stay in college longer. I wanted to get my degree. I was not overly focused on a man like you suggest and like you were because there was no way in hell I was getting married at 21.

It was silly of you to loose parents support because of a non-serous relationship. You should have better focused on education or finding a husband who would support you. Yes, I invested my 20s into someone birthing kids, taking care of a large house and cooking dinners and thus that somebody financed my college. And I am more than well off now after divorce with decent job. Everyone makes own choices

What part of I did not want to get married did you not understand? Also, I did not do anything. They spied on me and found out. I did not tell them—there was no reason to. They made the decision. Not me. Personally, I feel that it was an excuse to just not help.

Also, not all marriages are like yours. Husbands do not just support their wives. I married at 32. He would not allow me to not work. Even with kids. I divorced 10 years later. I was an equal contributor income wise. I did not get a free ride like you did. Stop being so sanctimonious. Some people are not as lucky as you. And no one should intentionally try to financially ruin their kid on purpose when they are starting their adult life.

Your anger is going to hurt you in the long run if you don’t sort out these resentments. Kudos to making sure your kids will not have debt, I am doing the same. But I wish you peace with the resentments.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a wealthy, educated DMV SAHM. Happily married for 30+ years. We started saving for retirement and college for our kids, through mainly extreme frugality in the early years when we were not making too much money. We had our children only when our financial situation and HHI increased. We saved because of our upbringing (immigrant Asians) and insecurity. However, there is really no reason to save for your kids, if your culture is not one of generational living. And American culture is very individualistic so having raised your children till they are 18 is actually very generous. If your kids are not going to be taking care of you in your old age because that is not the societal norm, I think there is zero reasons for you to spend money on your children after 18 and neglect your retirement.

I know that my kids who have been born and raised here will not be following my Asian culture. They will probably not even marry Asians. In that case, we will be foolish to spend all our money on them and not take care of our own retirement. Yes, my kids are very lucky that we will be paying their college because we can afford it, but we are also aware that there will be very little reciprocity towards us because this society is not like our home country and there are no societal pressures and precedence to take care of parents and relatives in old age. Our only hope is that after taking the gift of paid college from us, they have the brains to at least give that same advantage to their own kids.

This is the most bizarrely mercenary view of family I’ve ever read.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I think you're a troll, but I'l answer why I probably won't go back to work even though I might not even be able to pay for tuition at a state school.

I have applied to many, many jobs, and I can't get any that will work with a flexible-ish schedule that would actually make a decent amount of money. I am being picky, I know, but I would like medical and maybe 60K. The only thing I can think of that would get me some marketable skills are going back to school (which would require money upfront) or doing something very low-paying in the hopes that it would eventually lead to something more. I'm not sure I'd be better off doing that than I would be focusing on saving money at home.

Right now, I like being able to do all my home tasks while the kids are at school so we can all just chill on the weekends, and I like spending after-school time with my kids since they are going to be gone so soon. At this point I'm not going to get a job that wouldn't let me do those things so they can go to a more expensive school. That is just my choice.

Also, some people don't realize just how expensive college has become. They think that the way to afford college is pretty much the same as what it was when they went, and that every single person complaining about student loans is just an idiot who went to a college that can change lives for a degree in gender studies.

Going to an expensive private college is not worth it for 80% of people. Just attend in state college. If my parents saved 300k for me for college, I would ask them to give me 200k of that for a down payment on a first house. Forget paying 50-70k a year for college, that is BS.

Would you work a flexible(ish) schedule (35 hours/week, 3 days from home) for $40k/year with medical and free college tuition for your kids? I work for a university and we always hire recent undergrads for a research assistant position, although they rarely stay past a couple years- they use the education benefit for grad school then move on. Wondering if we should rethink our hiring strategy.

OMG yes. I guess I don't know where you are and I can't move, but if the commute wasn't unmanageable I would do it and I bet a lot of others in my position would as well.

That is interesting to hear! Someone asked if the tuition benefit transfers- yes, there are other participating universities that have a tuition exchange with GWU (easy to google). However, to my knowledge those are usually granted to employees by longevity and many are 20+ years in, so it definitely is not guaranteed. There several postings on indeed now (or through GWU directly, on-site is Rockville, MD). I'm reviewing a lot of the ones through indeed now, and would definitely consider someone with a kick ass cover letter. I'd prefer someone who would stay 5+ years compared with our usual attrition for the position.

But please double check the tuition benefits- way back in the day when I started it was immediate for family members, but there could be a lag now...

Yeah, until recently I worked for JHU. I would say a) there is a lag--I think 5-7 years?--before you'd be eligible for the tuition benefit if your position is eligible for it; b) they were phasing it out, and c) it didn't cover 100% tuition unless both parents worked at JHU. Only 50% of tuition at a cost equal to or lesser than JHU's own tuition.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dad used my college savings on women and Thomas Kincade paintings. I had to leave the OOS university I attended after year one and enrolled in a community college, then local four-year university. Had loans afterward. Won't put my kids through that.

Thomas Kincaide paintings … ouch!!

Right? LOL this is so sad but of all things! My grandfather spent my mom's college savings on a sports car and now when she says anything about it I'll say "well at least it wasn't Thomas Kincade paintings."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You seem judgmental. You have no concept of how someone else might live given your income. It may not pay for her to work and earn minimum wage. After taxes, its not going to make a huge dent in college savings and may hurt with financial aid.

This. You cannot just waltz into a high paying career after decades of gaps in your resume even if you have a Ph.D. under your belt or used to make a lot of money in your 20s. Most SAHMs who enter the workplace and make enough to make it worth working used to already have some sort of established careers prior to becoming SAHMs and have good professional networks they can leverage to get back at a decent enough level. If the person OP describes isn't one of these early career women with a good network that can hook them up with a decent job, then she is SOL and will be working for peanuts in service industry. At the end of the day if they are taxed at the highest bracket and if she has to incur additional expenses due to her not being home to take care of things, this "job" may not be worth it.

[Anonymous]

OP, majority of children coming of age in the USA will have nothing provided for them by their parents. Nothing. Most Americans don't have enough to retire themselves, not to mention provide their kids free college rides and downpayments. You are out of touch. Many people, even those on DCUM that may be now rolling in cash had grown up poor and had paid their own way. If these kids will at least inherit a home that their parents had raised them, they will be better off than most kids.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:The problem here is the ludicrous cost of college.

It’s not lazy and selfish to fail to prepare for this. We shouldn’t turn an economic problem into a moral issue.

Wow. This is an excellent point.

The best and most accurate post I've ever read on DCUM. And agree 10000000000000000%.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:The problem here is the ludicrous cost of college.

It’s not lazy and selfish to fail to prepare for this. We shouldn’t turn an economic problem into a moral issue.

Wow. This is an excellent point.

The best and most accurate post I've ever read on DCUM. And agree 10000000000000000%.

Here here. I'd also like to point out the rampant misogyny of DCUM strikes again. Even the rampantly rising cost of college is something women (SAHMs specifically) alone are responsible for fixing.