SAHMs with no retirement or college savings

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And

Here’s a primer about how the expected family contribution works in the United States from the Wikipedia page so you can better understand what I’m talking about:

In the post-secondary education system of the United States, an expected family contribution (EFC) is an estimate of a student's, and for a dependent student, their parent(s)' or guardian(s)', ability to pay the costs of a year of post-secondary education. The EFC is used in the United States student financial aid process to determine an applicant's eligibility for need-based federal student aid. In most cases, the same estimate is also used for state and institutional (college-based) financial aid. The EFC is included on the Student Aid Report and Institutional Student Information Record, which are sent after filing a form called a Free Application for Federal Student Aid (FAFSA).[1]

A common misconception is that the EFC is a statement of what the family actually will pay. This is usually not the case, and many families pay more, sometimes much more, than the EFC.[citation needed] The college's costs, minus the EFC, gives the student's financial need. Most four-year colleges do not have enough financial aid to meet students' needs, and as a result, the unmet need must be paid by the parents, in addition to the EFC. The federal government offers unsubsidized Stafford Loans, which are available to any family regardless of need, as a source of funds to cover the unmet need.

In cases in which a student qualifies for merit-based (rather than need-based) financial aid, the student and their family may pay less than the EFC.


A well-to-do family's EFC may exceed the cost of attendance at a school, and in that case the student does not have financial need, as defined by the federal financial aid system.

In some cases, despite financial hardship for the student, the student's family will simply be unwilling to pay the full amount, leaving the student to find their own way to finance their college education, or forgo it.[6]

See that last bit? That is why I had to take out private loans. Public university was not cheaper due to my partial scholarship. Most students can get financial aid with grants or cover the rest with federal loans. I could not.

I qualified for financial aid but my single parent still had an EFC that they couldn't pay, so I paid it. I worked three jobs the summer before I started college. I worked every semester of college. I didn't have to give up dance because my parents could never afford dance lessons, or for me to join any school teams. I applied only to inexpensive in state schools because debt scared me and I didn't know that I might qualify for significant financial aid elsewhere.

You’re single parents expected financial contribution was likely a lot less than my parents. [b]You do not get it. It is based on parent income.[/b] Some parents are expected to pay a lot and some parents are not expected to pay very much and some parents are expected to pay none at all… It is a flaw in the system that it assumes that wealthier parents and middle class parents will pay because of those parents don’t pay it puts the students in the position of having to pay it themselves and no going to a public college is not necessarily cheaper. It is alarming that none of you understand financial aid at all and that there are situations where students are screwed. If your parents are poor or they don’t make a lot of money it’s easy to take out loans what you’re not understanding is that the amount I had to pay because that was their expected contribution exceeded the federal loan limits which meet meant I had to go to a bank and take out private loans. I had to pay my living expenses not just tuition. Tuition was mostly covered by my scholarship but I still had to pay for everything else housing food supplies, health insurance, books, etc. also at that time kids were not on their parents insurance in college and I had to get my own.

And it’s a shame that you didn’t know that the cost of college can be mostly covered by private institutions if you just apply and get a financial aid package. The cost of a private college is almost never the sticker price. Families are expected to pay a certain amount regardless of which institution you attend so public and private often end up being about the same if you get additional aid or a scholarship. My best friend went for a private college her parents didn’t make much money and her college was completely covered by financial aid and she didn’t even have to take out any loans whereas my parents refuse to pay and they were expected to pay a high amount and I ended up with $70,000 in debt whereas she walked away debt-free and we both attended private colleges. It is all dependent on your parents’ financial situation.

I promise you I do get it. I'm sorry you had $70K in debt, especially if your parents could have prevented that but chose not to. You seem to be trying to convince someone who grew up LMC to feel sorry for you. From what I can see you still had a MC/UMC life until college. I had plenty of friends in college who had trouble adjusting to life "on their own." "On their own" usually meant varying degrees of parental support, but all of them were living with fewer of the comforts of their parents homes. I would feel bad for them and helped them out where I could. Not financially of course, just being there and listening to how hard it was to not have whatever it was they had been accustomed to whether it was gadgets, or sports/dance classes, or whatever. I genuinely felt sorry for them. I thought I was empathizing because I had lived most of my life seeing what others had and I didn't (supportive and emotionally stable parents, food security, a life that wasn't one mistake away from complete financial disaster). I'm trying to summon the same compassion for you but you really sound like someone who had some privileges growing up and can't seem to understand that life isn't fair and that systems fail people who need them. I guess its harder to learn that later in life like you did. That is a fact of life for many much earlier.

FWIW I had to pay for everything aside from tuition my first two years of college, and then part of tuition my 3rd and 4th year in addition to everything else. I'm not seeing much of a difference here in terms of what you and I both had to cover aside from insurance (I stayed on my parent's). Maybe I went to school in a LOCL area and you were in a HCOL area?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Can you read? I went to a private college. I had an academic scholarship that paid 75% of my tuition which was almost the same as the public university nearby. I still had to take our loans for room and board. That is not free.

PP - I get that your parents didn't contribute their EFC and that you had a scholarship that accounted for 75% of the tuition... so you paid between $4 and $5K per year for your tuition. If you took out 40k in loans, that means that you took out another ~$5-6k per year for room and board. Did you work during the summers? I had summer internships in the 90s that paid me ~3k per summer. I also worked during the school year earning roughly that over the academic calendar. Not enough to cover everything, but it made a dent. I also lived in some pretty cruddy apartments with roommates because it was ~1/2 the price of campus room and board. I'm not blaming you, PP, but you ALSO had choices that you didn't make.

Nice try. I worked 30 hours a week the entire de of college.

OK then... something's not adding up in your story. If you worked 30 hours a week at minimum wage in the late 90s (~5.50 an hour), 46 weeks out of the year, you would have brought in almost $7600. Yet you took out 10k in loans per year?

The minimum wage was $4.25 an hour. That was my pay. Not $5.50. My books alone were $1,000 a year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And

Here’s a primer about how the expected family contribution works in the United States from the Wikipedia page so you can better understand what I’m talking about:

In the post-secondary education system of the United States, an expected family contribution (EFC) is an estimate of a student's, and for a dependent student, their parent(s)' or guardian(s)', ability to pay the costs of a year of post-secondary education. The EFC is used in the United States student financial aid process to determine an applicant's eligibility for need-based federal student aid. In most cases, the same estimate is also used for state and institutional (college-based) financial aid. The EFC is included on the Student Aid Report and Institutional Student Information Record, which are sent after filing a form called a Free Application for Federal Student Aid (FAFSA).[1]

A common misconception is that the EFC is a statement of what the family actually will pay. This is usually not the case, and many families pay more, sometimes much more, than the EFC.[citation needed] The college's costs, minus the EFC, gives the student's financial need. Most four-year colleges do not have enough financial aid to meet students' needs, and as a result, the unmet need must be paid by the parents, in addition to the EFC. The federal government offers unsubsidized Stafford Loans, which are available to any family regardless of need, as a source of funds to cover the unmet need.

In cases in which a student qualifies for merit-based (rather than need-based) financial aid, the student and their family may pay less than the EFC.


A well-to-do family's EFC may exceed the cost of attendance at a school, and in that case the student does not have financial need, as defined by the federal financial aid system.

In some cases, despite financial hardship for the student, the student's family will simply be unwilling to pay the full amount, leaving the student to find their own way to finance their college education, or forgo it.[6]

See that last bit? That is why I had to take out private loans. Public university was not cheaper due to my partial scholarship. Most students can get financial aid with grants or cover the rest with federal loans. I could not.

I qualified for financial aid but my single parent still had an EFC that they couldn't pay, so I paid it. I worked three jobs the summer before I started college. I worked every semester of college. I didn't have to give up dance because my parents could never afford dance lessons, or for me to join any school teams. I applied only to inexpensive in state schools because debt scared me and I didn't know that I might qualify for significant financial aid elsewhere.

You’re single parents expected financial contribution was likely a lot less than my parents. [b]You do not get it. It is based on parent income.[/b] Some parents are expected to pay a lot and some parents are not expected to pay very much and some parents are expected to pay none at all… It is a flaw in the system that it assumes that wealthier parents and middle class parents will pay because of those parents don’t pay it puts the students in the position of having to pay it themselves and no going to a public college is not necessarily cheaper. It is alarming that none of you understand financial aid at all and that there are situations where students are screwed. If your parents are poor or they don’t make a lot of money it’s easy to take out loans what you’re not understanding is that the amount I had to pay because that was their expected contribution exceeded the federal loan limits which meet meant I had to go to a bank and take out private loans. I had to pay my living expenses not just tuition. Tuition was mostly covered by my scholarship but I still had to pay for everything else housing food supplies, health insurance, books, etc. also at that time kids were not on their parents insurance in college and I had to get my own.

And it’s a shame that you didn’t know that the cost of college can be mostly covered by private institutions if you just apply and get a financial aid package. The cost of a private college is almost never the sticker price. Families are expected to pay a certain amount regardless of which institution you attend so public and private often end up being about the same if you get additional aid or a scholarship. My best friend went for a private college her parents didn’t make much money and her college was completely covered by financial aid and she didn’t even have to take out any loans whereas my parents refuse to pay and they were expected to pay a high amount and I ended up with $70,000 in debt whereas she walked away debt-free and we both attended private colleges. It is all dependent on your parents’ financial situation.

I promise you I do get it. I'm sorry you had $70K in debt, especially if your parents could have prevented that but chose not to. You seem to be trying to convince someone who grew up LMC to feel sorry for you. From what I can see you still had a MC/UMC life until college. I had plenty of friends in college who had trouble adjusting to life "on their own." "On their own" usually meant varying degrees of parental support, but all of them were living with fewer of the comforts of their parents homes. I would feel bad for them and helped them out where I could. Not financially of course, just being there and listening to how hard it was to not have whatever it was they had been accustomed to whether it was gadgets, or sports/dance classes, or whatever. I genuinely felt sorry for them. I thought I was empathizing because I had lived most of my life seeing what others had and I didn't (supportive and emotionally stable parents, food security, a life that wasn't one mistake away from complete financial disaster). I'm trying to summon the same compassion for you but you really sound like someone who had some privileges growing up and can't seem to understand that life isn't fair and that systems fail people who need them. I guess its harder to learn that later in life like you did. That is a fact of life for many much earlier.

FWIW I had to pay for everything aside from tuition my first two years of college, and then part of tuition my 3rd and 4th year in addition to everything else. I'm not seeing much of a difference here in terms of what you and I both had to cover aside from insurance (I stayed on my parent's). Maybe I went to school in a LOCL area and you were in a HCOL area?

I did not have the "privilege" you describe which I assume you mean middle to upper class in suburbia. My dad was a sole earner. He did okay but not great. On paper, it looked okay. Probably. I grew up in a rural area. No 911. No pizza delivery. My dad was a principal (not rolling in it). My mom was mentally ill. Could not work. She could drive me to dance class. I was paying for my own classes as soon as I was 16. I literally had no luxuries. My grandma bought our school clothes; my parents would not. Their were no presents or allowance or anything My dad blew money in the stock market. He bought us nothing. Their expected financial contribution was about 12k. To this day, my dad cries poverty and I don't know what he did with his money.

They could have not insisted I went to a college THEY chose and then cut me off. I had almost a full scholarship at another institution they made me turn down. I could have avoided debt that way.

I would never manipulate my kids and/or purposefully put them into debt. My kids college will be paid for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Can you read? I went to a private college. I had an academic scholarship that paid 75% of my tuition which was almost the same as the public university nearby. I still had to take our loans for room and board. That is not free.

PP - I get that your parents didn't contribute their EFC and that you had a scholarship that accounted for 75% of the tuition... so you paid between $4 and $5K per year for your tuition. If you took out 40k in loans, that means that you took out another ~$5-6k per year for room and board. Did you work during the summers? I had summer internships in the 90s that paid me ~3k per summer. I also worked during the school year earning roughly that over the academic calendar. Not enough to cover everything, but it made a dent. I also lived in some pretty cruddy apartments with roommates because it was ~1/2 the price of campus room and board. I'm not blaming you, PP, but you ALSO had choices that you didn't make.

Nice try. I worked 30 hours a week the entire de of college.

OK then... something's not adding up in your story. If you worked 30 hours a week at minimum wage in the late 90s (~5.50 an hour), 46 weeks out of the year, you would have brought in almost $7600. Yet you took out 10k in loans per year?

The minimum wage was $4.25 an hour. That was my pay. Not $5.50. My books alone were $1,000 a year.

Plus, room and board was 13k.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom was like this. It was really annoying. They then refused to pay for college but I had to pick up their tab due to the expected family contribution and due to my dad's income, I could not get grants. My dad was not loaded but had enough that I was not grant eligible. I took out private loans at 9% and had 70k in debt from undergrad in 1999.

It really derailed my adult life. I did okay but I could have done better if I did not have that debt because I felt I could not consider professional school. It took all the joy out of my 20s...I worked 3 jobs until 33 to pay it off.

I felt my mom was lazy and had no excuse.

I will never every do that to my kids.

I work full time and have since they were born.

Ew - your sense of entitlement is gross. Your parents do not owe you a college education.

Yes, in this day in age, they do. Don't have kids if you don't intend to pay for college. This is not the 1960s where you could "work your way through." It has not worked like that since the late 1980s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In NY all State Universities charge zero tuition for families making under $125k

Over $125k annual tuition is $7,100.

Of course room and board and fees not covered 16k

My friend on Long Island Daughter living at home first two years going to SUNY Farmington on Long Island for free then to SUNY Albany last two years room and board only $16k a year.

And that is with zero financial aid. If he gets that even less

This did not happen 20 years ago. You are talking about now. Completely irrelevant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My friend was telling me about how her sister is stressed about her high school children and college tuition. The husband makes enough to maintain their everyday lifestyle but they have no college savings. The mom doesn’t work. She has 2 high school kids and all the time in the world and basically hasn’t worked since having kids. This just seems selfish and irresponsible.

I’m a sahm but my Dh earns a seven figure income. If Dh didn’t earn enough for our kids’ college, I absolutely 100% work.

Doesn’t it seem irresponsible and lazy to not work if your family needs the money?

If you stay at home with your kids, you work. Just bc domestic work is undervalued doesn’t mean it isn’t work. My spouse is a 7 figure earner with long hours and lots of travel. I’m at home to give our kids some consistency. And we both appreciate the work that the other person does for our family.

You barely "work."

[Anonymous]

To SAHMs who don't work and won't contribute to college...don't expect your kids to support you in old age if you need it.

I will not help my parents. They were not there for me. I will not be there for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My friend was telling me about how her sister is stressed about her high school children and college tuition. The husband makes enough to maintain their everyday lifestyle but they have no college savings. The mom doesn’t work. She has 2 high school kids and all the time in the world and basically hasn’t worked since having kids. This just seems selfish and irresponsible.

I’m a sahm but my Dh earns a seven figure income. If Dh didn’t earn enough for our kids’ college, I absolutely 100% work.

Doesn’t it seem irresponsible and lazy to not work if your family needs the money?

If you stay at home with your kids, you work. Just bc domestic work is undervalued doesn’t mean it isn’t work. My spouse is a 7 figure earner with long hours and lots of travel. I’m at home to give our kids some consistency. And we both appreciate the work that the other person does for our family.

You barely "work."

Why do people insist on saying crap like this?

[Anonymous]

Can we just acknowledge how dangerous it is to be a SAHM with no retirement? Why couldn’t the husband contribute yearly to an IRA for the SAHM, why can’t the SAHM have a small job to contribute the yearly max of $6000/$7000 to a Roth IRA? It’s telling that the husband only contributed to his own retirement. What if they divorce? She will only get part of her husband’s retirement and the amount depends on what the judge determines. Also, if married at least 10 years, she would only get half of his social security.

Funding college is the least of her worries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My friend was telling me about how her sister is stressed about her high school children and college tuition. The husband makes enough to maintain their everyday lifestyle but they have no college savings. The mom doesn’t work. She has 2 high school kids and all the time in the world and basically hasn’t worked since having kids. This just seems selfish and irresponsible.

I’m a sahm but my Dh earns a seven figure income. If Dh didn’t earn enough for our kids’ college, I absolutely 100% work.

Doesn’t it seem irresponsible and lazy to not work if your family needs the money?

If you stay at home with your kids, you work. Just bc domestic work is undervalued doesn’t mean it isn’t work. My spouse is a 7 figure earner with long hours and lots of travel. I’m at home to give our kids some consistency. And we both appreciate the work that the other person does for our family.

You barely "work."

Why do people insist on saying crap like this?

Idk but it’s probably the same people who want to underpay Nannies and housecleaners and other types of service providers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My friend was telling me about how her sister is stressed about her high school children and college tuition. The husband makes enough to maintain their everyday lifestyle but they have no college savings. The mom doesn’t work. She has 2 high school kids and all the time in the world and basically hasn’t worked since having kids. This just seems selfish and irresponsible.

I’m a sahm but my Dh earns a seven figure income. If Dh didn’t earn enough for our kids’ college, I absolutely 100% work.

Doesn’t it seem irresponsible and lazy to not work if your family needs the money?

If you stay at home with your kids, you work. Just bc domestic work is undervalued doesn’t mean it isn’t work. My spouse is a 7 figure earner with long hours and lots of travel. I’m at home to give our kids some consistency. And we both appreciate the work that the other person does for our family.

You barely "work."

I’ll bite. Do you think families should always have both spouses work outside the home, and just pay for childcare, household managers, and housekeepers to keep everything in order at home? Why does it matter if one spouse performs those functions instead of hiring them out? Is it “work” if they pay someone else to do it? What is your rationale?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. My miserly dad wouldn't pay anything more but the cheapest 4-year college I could get into, the cheapest housing available (three to one bedroom in a really old building), and barely enough to live off of. But he paid! I didn't take out loans until law school. Education was very important to him and I'm so grateful for that.

But he didn't save for it, he just used his income. With colleges costs what they are now and with our HHI I am definitely saving.

And I call him miserly for other reasons, like how he makes high six figures and we stayed in Fairfield inns, made us do back-to school shopping at Goodwill, never ate out, etc. I guess I should call him a penny-pincher instead of miserly. He's generous when things are important to him.

Staying at a Fairfield Inn is comparable to shopping at Goodwill and never eating out?? Fairfield Inns are upscale compared to Red Roof, Super 8, and the multitude of no-name motels out there.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:My mom was like this. It was really annoying. They then refused to pay for college but I had to pick up their tab due to the expected family contribution and due to my dad's income, I could not get grants. My dad was not loaded but had enough that I was not grant eligible. I took out private loans at 9% and had 70k in debt from undergrad in 1999.

It really derailed my adult life. I did okay but I could have done better if I did not have that debt because I felt I could not consider professional school. It took all the joy out of my 20s...I worked 3 jobs until 33 to pay it off.

I felt my mom was lazy and had no excuse.

I will never every do that to my kids.

I work full time and have since they were born.

Wait.. YOU picked up THEIR tab? Entitled much?

Yes. I picked up their tab. It is called an expected family contribution. Everyone has this. If your parents make no money, their expectation is $0. My parents had a little so there was no grants for me. I could get some stafford loans but that did not cover the cost of education at even a public school. I went to a private school that was cheaper than public due to a scholarship. I still had the deficit is what the federal govt. says my parents should pay. I could not say they would not pay and redo my financial aid package. I tried. Every student has an EFC. Most kids do not have to go to the bank to take out private loans because their parents refuse to pay. I was not eligible for more aid. It was their tab, according to the government. If my parents were low-income, I could have gotten pell grants and other grants to cover the cost. You do not understand financial aid. The kicker was that I got into a different college that gave me more scholarship money and they refused to let me go there, and then they stopped paying. Transferring would not work because I did not take that scholarship because it had expired because I did not enroll as a freshman. Having to get a 9% loan to cover the cost of what the federal government said they would contribute and would not give me more aid was their tab. Ballooning to 70k in 1999 was unheard of. That is what happens with private loans. Get off my case. They insisted on college and screwed me.

I’m so sorry OP! You still sound angry. I wish you luck.

Of course I am angry. It changed the trajectory of my life and limited me from pursuing professional school (law or medicine). I had too much debt. I could not consider more. I had a $800 student loan payment at 21 with a BA. I barely speak to my parents now. I will never, ever do that to my kids (and the reason they cut me off...they are racist and found out about my boyfriend). This is not a forgivable thing. My kids are are on track to have college paid for.

Girl, it's not your parents fault you took out all that money. Tuition at University of Maryland was $3,500 per year in 1995. You could have gone to a community college for much less. Having $70k of student debt in the 90s from just undergrad is no one's fault but your own. Like, you'd specifically have to TRY to have that much debt. Grow up.

Aha and plenty of people do NOVA online at $1000 per 3 credits now and get employed by big companies. Then go get their masters at Ivy with earned income. Google founder went to UMD. I don't get it either

There was no online education in 1995 to 1999 and I know this because I developed online courses when they started in 2004 and you’re still not understanding than expected family contribution is the same figure whether you go to a private school or a public school which is why they encourage families to apply for private schools because in many many cases it is actually cheaper than a public institution if you get a scholarship but that doesn’t usually include the cost of room and board that you were paying for even if you go to a public school ! Clearly none of you understand how college financial aid works or you had your parents pay so you don’t understand or your parents had no money so you were getting everything in grants and didn’t have to take out loans regardless most students do not have to take out private loans because they’re able to get federal loans based on their parents income. You are failing to understand that I could not get with other students could get because my parents made too much money and they are expected to pay a certain amount so I had to cover the cost it does not matter if the institution was public or private and like I said my private cost was cheaper than transferring to a public institution or I would’ve had to go to school longer due to lost credits and the tuition was virtually the same because of a scholarship. But it did not cover everything which is why I had to get private loans. If there are typos it’s because I’m talking into my phone and I’m not actually typing.

You could still attend George Mason or Nova, then find a job and attend a grand program in parallel. All my foreign born piers/first generation immigrants did this and got masters with zero debt. They did live with families thus had zero living expenses. There were community colleges already back then

Could you have stayed at parents' home attending a community college? Did they kick you out?

My parents cut me off for not liking a boyfriend. You can’t read. They lived in NY. I was in MD. There was no college where they lived anyway because they lived in a world area where there were no colleges. I literally went to the public university nearby like I said and sat down with their financial aid office and my private college financial aid office and transferring would not have been cheaper I still had to pay my parents expected family contribution and the tuition was equal due to my scholarship I had to take loans for the rest that it did not cover and I had to cover my only cost of living which included room and board school supplies etc. I was not in my parents health insurance I did not have any money whatsoever and I did not speak to them for five years. There was no living at home as an option. I was completely cut off and I had to pay what the government said they had to pay with taking out a combination of the federal loans and the remaining being private loans at a bank at an interest rate three times higher than federal loans. Your foreigner friends had family support and they had little to no income so they didn’t have a family expected contribution and they could live at home.
Once again, this was not my scenario.

I am sorry to hear that. However, if you choose to move into with a man your parents disprove, they are not required to finance your household. He (the boyfriend) should have supported you. You could have worked and saved for couple years before going to college and accumulating loans. Hope all worked out with that boyfriend.
As to my college, my husband paid for it: I married at 21 right out of parents' house and he just gave me a check for 4 years tuition. I married well and divorced even better. Women have powers - your parents have nothing to do with that

I didn’t live with my boyfriend I was just dating somebody on campus. I lived in a dorm. It wasn’t serious at the time.

Also, I was not interested in a serious relationship. I was just dating. I had no plans to marry before 30. My education mattered to me. My parents going postal and giving me a huge debt load on purpose because they are racist is pure evil. They would have never done that to a son. It wasn’t serious and I didn’t even tell them about the boyfriend they spying on me and found out that I was going on some dates then called the financial aid office and told him never to send them a bill again and then they called me and told me that I had to figure it out because I had to pay what that contribution was and the public university down the street said the same thing and said that the cost would be equal in fact if I transferred I would end up paying more because a lot of my credits wouldn’t transfer and I would have to stay in college longer. I wanted to get my degree. I was not overly focused on a man like you suggest and like you were because there was no way in hell I was getting married at 21.

It was silly of you to loose parents support because of a non-serous relationship. You should have better focused on education or finding a husband who would support you. Yes, I invested my 20s into someone birthing kids, taking care of a large house and cooking dinners and thus that somebody financed my college. And I am more than well off now after divorce with decent job. Everyone makes own choices

What part of I did not want to get married did you not understand? Also, I did not do anything. They spied on me and found out. I did not tell them—there was no reason to. They made the decision. Not me. Personally, I feel that it was an excuse to just not help.

Also, not all marriages are like yours. Husbands do not just support their wives. I married at 32. He would not allow me to not work. Even with kids. I divorced 10 years later. I was an equal contributor income wise. I did not get a free ride like you did. Stop being so sanctimonious. Some people are not as lucky as you. And no one should intentionally try to financially ruin their kid on purpose when they are starting their adult life.

NP on this thread, it is astounding to read PPs twisting themselves into pretzels to find fault with the poster who was cut off by her parents for dating the wrong color guy. PP, stop bothering to defend yourself against these shrews. Attacking you because you didn't seek a rich husband and have kids in your early 20s? Please forget the bitter divorcee and whatever her issues are, they have nothing to do with you.

[Anonymous]

I am a wealthy, educated DMV SAHM. Happily married for 30+ years. We started saving for retirement and college for our kids, through mainly extreme frugality in the early years when we were not making too much money. We had our children only when our financial situation and HHI increased. We saved because of our upbringing (immigrant Asians) and insecurity. However, there is really no reason to save for your kids, if your culture is not one of generational living. And American culture is very individualistic so having raised your children till they are 18 is actually very generous. If your kids are not going to be taking care of you in your old age because that is not the societal norm, I think there is zero reasons for you to spend money on your children after 18 and neglect your retirement.

I know that my kids who have been born and raised here will not be following my Asian culture. They will probably not even marry Asians. In that case, we will be foolish to spend all our money on them and not take care of our own retirement. Yes, my kids are very lucky that we will be paying their college because we can afford it, but we are also aware that there will be very little reciprocity towards us because this society is not like our home country and there are no societal pressures and precedence to take care of parents and relatives in old age. Our only hope is that after taking the gift of paid college from us, they have the brains to at least give that same advantage to their own kids.