DS doesn't want to return to college in a few weeks. What can we do??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our kids are in college and not that their college and (private) high school don’t take trips with friends — but their social media is full of them having fun on vacation with their families. If they were so miserable they wouldn’t be posting these trips on their own social media. Nor would they go, often during the school year.

I think it’s very bizarre a college kid wouldn’t want to go on the one summer trip with his family. And not because of an serious internship or otherwise professional commitment but because he wanted more hours at some dead-end job. Sounds like more than booze, to me, I’d be worried about drugs and him being involved with some druggy townie who works there.

I really do too. This raised (…summoned?) my spidey senses. OP did this strike you as out of character?

[Anonymous]

What if it’s worse than having sex. What if he’s just crushing super hard on someone there and she’s just a typical flirty outgoing waitress who isn’t actually romantically interested in him. Most males in college are going to hookup with a summer colleague and move on and go back to college. But a huge dork might just have this massive crush on someone there and become so obsessed he doesn’t want to go back to college and “miss his chance”. Imploding his life over a crush. Sounds insane but I’ve seen similar.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with your husband. I think it’s great. Your kids only have so many opportunities to do things like take a year off to work and travel. Bribing him to do his sophomore year of college doesn’t seem like a good move.

Agree - to a point. I'd not be thrilled BUT I would be impressed he did the work to reach out to his advisor, etc. And, I'd be ok with a year off. That's not that different than a gap year - IF he does what he says (though, I suppose if he wants to waste it working when he has his whole life to work, he can suffer the regret later).

However, having said all this, after that year, he better have a plan. If he wants to be an adult-Great. Rent is X, you don't pay for all of the things you had been paying for (or whatever you decide on that), if he's not going back to school.

[Anonymous]

People are very naive if you think service industry people only drink beer after work and maybe smoke weed. Lots of cocaine, heroine, meth and pill popping in that industry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Treat it like a gap year ,because it is. A lot of kids, especially boys, need a gap year. Plan for him to have one year to follow his new plan and then he’s back to college. If he’s not, then he has to leave your house and handle all his own expenses.

"Especially boys"??? WTF?

[Anonymous]

What sort of joke college is signing off on a one year leave of absence so an immature bonehead can wait tables at some dive bar in his hometown? That’s not a valid reason to postpone his life. It adds nothing to his resume. It’s not for any sort of family emergency which requires him to be home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Treat it like a gap year ,because it is. A lot of kids, especially boys, need a gap year. Plan for him to have one year to follow his new plan and then he’s back to college. If he’s not, then he has to leave your house and handle all his own expenses.

"Especially boys"??? WTF?

Males take 2-4 years longer for their frontal lobe to fully develop and mature versus females.

So yes, boys are more likely to need time to mature and thus the gap year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He's having sex with a waitress.

Restaurants are notorious for heavy drinking after their shifts, too. I would be concerned if my DS wanted to stay home from college to do that.

I would talk to him and say, it's a fun way to spend the summer but you need to complete your degree. Can you ask him why he doesn't want to go back?

These were my exact thoughts! Drugs are rampant in restaurants too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's having sex with a waitress.

Restaurants are notorious for heavy drinking after their shifts, too. I would be concerned if my DS wanted to stay home from college to do that.

I would talk to him and say, it's a fun way to spend the summer but you need to complete your degree. Can you ask him why he doesn't want to go back?

This was my immediate thought too. Are you sure it’s not about a girl (…or, of course, a guy)?

Also I find the skipping out on family vacation thing really strange. I guess I don’t know your family dynamics but…did that surprise you? I really wonder if there is something else going on here, that strikes me as quite unusual / drastic / out of the ordinary

Most 19 year olds do not want to vacation with Mom and the reality is the restaurant probably needed him to work.

No, speak for yourself. FYI, it is really obvious you miserable family forum wackos estranged from most of your family post the same anti-family screed on every other forum.

I’ve gotta agree, my siblings and I still loved family vacations during (and after!) college, and the same is true with our kids and our friend group now. I think it’s (very) weird and unusual that OP’s son backed out of family vacation and it makes me think there’s something else going on with him

Agree. A person, drinking, drugs, something is up. I'd get him back to campus and out of that scene, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our kids are in college and not that their college and (private) high school don’t take trips with friends — but their social media is full of them having fun on vacation with their families. If they were so miserable they wouldn’t be posting these trips on their own social media. Nor would they go, often during the school year.

I think it’s very bizarre a college kid wouldn’t want to go on the one summer trip with his family. And not because of an serious internship or otherwise professional commitment but because he wanted more hours at some dead-end job. Sounds like more than booze, to me, I’d be worried about drugs and him being involved with some druggy townie who works there.

I really do too. This raised (…summoned?) my spidey senses. OP did this strike you as out of character?

I think it’s bizarre that you think it’s bizarre. Shrug.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am in shock at these parents who think they CAN do something to control their adult children!

He's no adult. Adults pay for rent, car, cell phone, and all other bills. He's a coddled child working a fun dead-end job with zero responsibilities, thus it's distorting his perception of how much money he's making. He's too immature (i.e. a child) and probably under the influence of booze and narcotics to see the big picture. A nitwit like this needs a firm hand, not passive parents who will let him become some druggy at a dead-end job, who ends up with a DUI, STDs, out of wedlock child with some trailer trash, and pisses away a decade of his life on nothing.

People become adults at age 18. Everything else you typed is irrelevant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's having sex with a waitress.

Restaurants are notorious for heavy drinking after their shifts, too. I would be concerned if my DS wanted to stay home from college to do that.

I would talk to him and say, it's a fun way to spend the summer but you need to complete your degree. Can you ask him why he doesn't want to go back?

This was my immediate thought too. Are you sure it’s not about a girl (…or, of course, a guy)?

Also I find the skipping out on family vacation thing really strange. I guess I don’t know your family dynamics but…did that surprise you? I really wonder if there is something else going on here, that strikes me as quite unusual / drastic / out of the ordinary

Most 19 year olds do not want to vacation with Mom and the reality is the restaurant probably needed him to work.

No, speak for yourself. FYI, it is really obvious you miserable family forum wackos estranged from most of your family post the same anti-family screed on every other forum.

I’ve gotta agree, my siblings and I still loved family vacations during (and after!) college, and the same is true with our kids and our friend group now. I think it’s (very) weird and unusual that OP’s son backed out of family vacation and it makes me think there’s something else going on with him

OP, when you left town did he have the house to himself? Definitely tracks with the hooking up with a waitress theory

Or waiter. Plus booze and drugs. Ask the neighbors what went on. Do you have a Ring?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our kids are in college and not that their college and (private) high school don’t take trips with friends — but their social media is full of them having fun on vacation with their families. If they were so miserable they wouldn’t be posting these trips on their own social media. Nor would they go, often during the school year.

I think it’s very bizarre a college kid wouldn’t want to go on the one summer trip with his family. And not because of an serious internship or otherwise professional commitment but because he wanted more hours at some dead-end job. Sounds like more than booze, to me, I’d be worried about drugs and him being involved with some druggy townie who works there.

This.

For everyone trying to spin this as some mature, wise choice, you are painfully naive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just look at it as a gap year that he delayed. There's no big deal.

If he doesn't go back in fall 2023, then you bring out the big guns of tough love. Make him move out, support himself, etc.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Treat it like a gap year ,because it is. A lot of kids, especially boys, need a gap year. Plan for him to have one year to follow his new plan and then he’s back to college. If he’s not, then he has to leave your house and handle all his own expenses.

"Especially boys"??? WTF?

Males take 2-4 years longer for their frontal lobe to fully develop and mature versus females.

So yes, boys are more likely to need time to mature and thus the gap year.

Oh, please! Infantilizing young men doesn't help them.