Is this a South Asian practice or not?

[Anonymous]

+1…. I don’t see any problem with what your DH is doing . MiL problem is everywhere. But as a mother she would have done and sacrifice things for her son. I can also understand all parents do sacrifice . But if you really know an Indian and their parenting styles and sacrifices it’s little different compared to American life style . But I know some of them especially Middle class Indians . You can even watch interview of Google CEO what his family had to go through to send him to USA . Especially prior yo boom of technology in India life was very different . So the children thinks it’s their duty to do it back . It’s not like a payback . It’s the love affection and family system .

[Anonymous]

This is very strange IMO but I'm European. My parents paid for everything, they are leaving us a lot of money and they would never ever get any money or gifts from us. My brother and I are very successful and they are still trying to give us cash every time we visit and they give our boys $$$ too. Our DC1 is in med school and we pay for everything not because I expect something in return, but because this is what a good parent with plenty of resources does. Your H should max his retirement and college fund for the kids before spending money on his parents. My mom would kill me if I'd short my kids for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is very strange IMO but I'm European. My parents paid for everything, they are leaving us a lot of money and they would never ever get any money or gifts from us. My brother and I are very successful and they are still trying to give us cash every time we visit and they give our boys $$$ too. Our DC1 is in med school and we pay for everything not because I expect something in return, but because this is what a good parent with plenty of resources does. Your H should max his retirement and college fund for the kids before spending money on his parents. My mom would kill me if I'd short my kids for them.

Adding that my H is American and he's always made our boys and myself his first priority loud and clean not only with $$ but also with time. I have two boys and I hope they will consider their kids and partners priorities. IMO it's a must for a happy and healthy marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Just like any other humongous group of people, SA families are a spectrum, not a monolith. There are so many sub-cultures and obviously, personal disposition, circumstances, education, finances, exposure to other cultures etc makes every family so different. Just like its racist to assume every white family or every black family thinks and acts in similar way, its also racist to think brown families does.

Here is a personal anecdote. I'm married into a SA family and were given unconditional love and support. MIL is motherhood personified, embraces everyone as her own. FIL would open up a personal bank for us if had the means but my husband isn't the sort of person who would accept money from his parents or mine. They don't agree with every thing their children or spouses does but prefer to mind their own business. They are the reason we can focus on our careers without ever having to worry about our children. Their biggest gift to me is how they raised their son to be a loving, supportive and loyal husband and a devoted father. They are the reason he has a moral compass and a code of ethics. They inspired me to be a better daughter to my own parents.

Thank you for sharing this perspective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There's no way I'd be okay with covering my in-laws for major expenses like these. I really don't care what country anyone is from.

Sure. At least you know yourself. I also think that high earning SA males are not tripping over wanting to marry you either.

I'm married =) and have inlaws that would never have these kind of expectations. Sucks you don't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There's no way I'd be okay with covering my in-laws for major expenses like these. I really don't care what country anyone is from.

Sure. At least you know yourself. I also think that high earning SA males are not tripping over wanting to marry you either.

Why do you think that we want that? We can, and I did, marry someone successful without having the family burden that OP has. I see zero advantages to marrying someone like OP's H.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There's no way I'd be okay with covering my in-laws for major expenses like these. I really don't care what country anyone is from.

Sure. At least you know yourself. I also think that high earning SA males are not tripping over wanting to marry you either.

Why do you think that we want that? We can, and I did, marry someone successful without having the family burden that OP has. I see zero advantages to marrying someone like OP's H.

OP does not have a family burden. She is just mad that her DH is close to his parents. OP is married for 20 years. She does not have the wherewithal to divorce. She is also a low earner and has inferiority complex about her parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is very strange IMO but I'm European. My parents paid for everything, they are leaving us a lot of money and they would never ever get any money or gifts from us. My brother and I are very successful and they are still trying to give us cash every time we visit and they give our boys $$$ too. Our DC1 is in med school and we pay for everything not because I expect something in return, but because this is what a good parent with plenty of resources does. Your H should max his retirement and college fund for the kids before spending money on his parents. My mom would kill me if I'd short my kids for them.

Adding that my H is American and he's always made our boys and myself his first priority loud and clean not only with $$ but also with time. I have two boys and I hope they will consider their kids and partners priorities. IMO it's a must for a happy and healthy marriage.

I think the OP's DH and ILs are also well off. But, OP does not like her DH having anything to do with his parents because she does not like MIL. She is jealous, petty and immature. I feel bad for her DH who cannot get rid of her. Yuck, he also had two kids with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is very strange IMO but I'm European. My parents paid for everything, they are leaving us a lot of money and they would never ever get any money or gifts from us. My brother and I are very successful and they are still trying to give us cash every time we visit and they give our boys $$$ too. Our DC1 is in med school and we pay for everything not because I expect something in return, but because this is what a good parent with plenty of resources does. Your H should max his retirement and college fund for the kids before spending money on his parents. My mom would kill me if I'd short my kids for them.

Adding that my H is American and he's always made our boys and myself his first priority loud and clean not only with $$ but also with time. I have two boys and I hope they will consider their kids and partners priorities. IMO it's a must for a happy and healthy marriage.

I think the OP's DH and ILs are also well off. But, OP does not like her DH having anything to do with his parents because she does not like MIL. She is jealous, petty and immature. I feel bad for her DH who cannot get rid of her. Yuck, he also had two kids with her.

I'm confused. If the ILs are well off, why do the OP and her H have to pay for them? It's absurd. My H and I were super close to our parents and we don't pay for them. They would be insulted. A parent's job is to provide for the offspring, not vice versa.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is very strange IMO but I'm European. My parents paid for everything, they are leaving us a lot of money and they would never ever get any money or gifts from us. My brother and I are very successful and they are still trying to give us cash every time we visit and they give our boys $$$ too. Our DC1 is in med school and we pay for everything not because I expect something in return, but because this is what a good parent with plenty of resources does. Your H should max his retirement and college fund for the kids before spending money on his parents. My mom would kill me if I'd short my kids for them.

Adding that my H is American and he's always made our boys and myself his first priority loud and clean not only with $$ but also with time. I have two boys and I hope they will consider their kids and partners priorities. IMO it's a must for a happy and healthy marriage.

Are you Dutch?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is very strange IMO but I'm European. My parents paid for everything, they are leaving us a lot of money and they would never ever get any money or gifts from us. My brother and I are very successful and they are still trying to give us cash every time we visit and they give our boys $$$ too. Our DC1 is in med school and we pay for everything not because I expect something in return, but because this is what a good parent with plenty of resources does. Your H should max his retirement and college fund for the kids before spending money on his parents. My mom would kill me if I'd short my kids for them.

Adding that my H is American and he's always made our boys and myself his first priority loud and clean not only with $$ but also with time. I have two boys and I hope they will consider their kids and partners priorities. IMO it's a must for a happy and healthy marriage.

I think the OP's DH and ILs are also well off. But, OP does not like her DH having anything to do with his parents because she does not like MIL. She is jealous, petty and immature. I feel bad for her DH who cannot get rid of her. Yuck, he also had two kids with her.

I'm confused. If the ILs are well off, why do the OP and her have to pay for them? It's absurd. My H and I were super close to our parents and we don't pay for them. They would be insulted. A parent's job is to provide for the offspring, not vice versa.

OP is not paying. H pays for treats for his family because that he wants to and because it makes him feel better. ILs don't expect anything. It is the DH who likes to do nice things for his parents. Maybe it is because he gets the love and support he needs from his parents instead of the wife. Or maybe he does it because he is ashamed of marrying OP and bringing a toxic person into the family.

[Anonymous]

I wonder why the OP does not have a good relationship with her own parents. She should certainly treat them with gifts and her time too. Who knows? Maybe it will help her have a close relationship with her parents and distract her from spending her energy in hating her MIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There's no way I'd be okay with covering my in-laws for major expenses like these. I really don't care what country anyone is from.

Sure. At least you know yourself. I also think that high earning SA males are not tripping over wanting to marry you either.

Why do you think that we want that? We can, and I did, marry someone successful without having the family burden that OP has. I see zero advantages to marrying someone like OP's H.

Yes. OP should have married a high earning orphan. She is not fit to be married into a normal family because she was raised by a toxic and selfish culture.

[Anonymous]

Seriously, it is the lack of eyebrows...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wonder why the OP does not have a good relationship with her own parents. She should certainly treat them with gifts and her time too. Who knows? Maybe it will help her have a close relationship with her parents and distract her from spending her energy in hating her MIL.

Actually I have a very close relationship with my parents. If you read some of my previous posts you would see that I help them in non monetary ways: took care of them after surgery, bring them to Dr appointments, helped them to find the condo that they downsized to (but did not pay for said condo). I take them out to dinner on their birthdays but I don’t pay for their vacations and upgrade them to business class like my DH does for his parents.

Oh and my MIL does expect to be financially taken care of by her sons. She drops hints all the time on what her friends’ kids are doing for their parents (sent them to Hawaii, bought a Rolex, etc)