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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here again. These responses are interesting and somewhat reflect how I feel.

I want to give him grace because we are human and will mess up sometimes.

I want to wring his neck because this happens semi-regularly. He gets in work mode and forgets everything else. Yes, he has diagnosed ADHD and he is medicated, hence my attempts at putting systems in place for success (calendar reminders, email reminders, texts, calls, ughhh).

I was the kid whose parents were always late to pick me up after school,[b] so his forgetfulness in this situation really really bothers me. I hate memories of being the one left behind. [/b]

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I say this gently, as someone who was married to a parent who did not have the basic emotional skills to imagine what the child in this situation feels like being forgotten -  you simply cannot provide enough of a safety net to prevent him doing this kind of stuff. Stepping in to control schedule, set up reminders, pick up forgotten or ignored tasks takes a tremendous amount out of you emotionally but also in terms of real time and energy you could be putting into your career and your own relationships with kids, friends and family.

At some point (after far more time than was necessary), I had to drop the rope.  The kids see their Dad for himself, truly, and it is not a pretty picture. He does not have the skills for an close emotional relationship or regular presence. Yes, it is due to a mental disorder, but that does not make it my job to fix or compensate for.  I support my kids coping with the real-life effects, not trying to make him seem what he is not or provide what he cannot.

Put on your own oxygen mask first. Then put the oxygen mask on your kids. Your DH is a grown up - he has to figure out his own oxygen mask. [/quote]

Same situation here.  I don’t cover for him any longer - not with calendar, his interpersonal “relationships”, or socially. 
The kids Unf have adapted to him then usual sad ways one does to someone who neglects them. As they grew up they stopped begging him for attention, though one is clingy with male figures so that’s not good.

What age are your kids now and when you first dropped the rope and stopped covering for him?[/quote]

It was a gradual thing.  When the kids were little I stepped in because I was genuinely afraid something bad would happen due to his incompetence.  As they got old enough to voice their needs and have a level of responsibility, I stepped away from some things - not hosting him for dinner on his visitation nights but  suggesting he take them out instead.  Not going with him on weekend days, etc.  I had full custody, so that helped.  I really dropped the rope when he remarried because I thought at least the kids would be physically safe. One was late ES and they other was MS.  His wife is as emotionally neglectful as he is toward the kids, but the kids are very responsible, so I don’t worry to much about their emotional safety.

I basically cut almost all ties when he entered my house (at my invitation) but was verbally abusive to me.

By HS, they both had therapists, so that helps them set boundaries with him.

It’s hard to let the kids see him for who he is, but it’s better than trying to cover for him and teaching them to deny reality or feel responsible for another person.

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