Getting shammed for getting engaged at 22

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They are adults. Good for them for being decisive. I wouldn't rule out some jealously that they have their sheet together and are sealing the deal. Older women have been giving younger women a lot of bad advice for decades, encouraging them to make their same mistakes. What's the hurry, hold out until 30-plus. What they don't tell them is that finding a mate gets harder after 30. Good for bride-to-be for not taking the bait!

You forget that there are older men that also counsel against early marriage. Fathers don’t want to see their adult children compromise their careers and mental health by taking on early financial and personal commitments.

Their advice is great for cultures where men are the bread winners and family planning is forbidden sin. If women is equal partner, neither has debt and birth control is available, it’s not a hindrance in building a career or nest egg.

Not so. My father counseled his three daughters and son to wait and develop independence in our twenties. We all did and have happy marriages and successful careers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There sure are a lot of miserable people here that want others to be miserable as well.

Married at 19, just celebrated 30 years. Happy marriage, 3 great kids, and no I did not get married because I was expecting a child...

That’s very young—probably still in colege and not financially independent . Not many parents would be happy with that scenario. Glad it worked out for you.

Wrong, 100% on our own, some people don't have parents that can afford college and have to do it by themselves.

The funny part with this entire thread is people replying to the success stories like it's a one off, or not relevant, then using a one of or generalizations to justify why young will not work.

It's really pretty simple, people of all ages get married and divorced, there is no right age. If there was, there would not be as much divorce as everyone would just wait until the "magic" age.

True. But getting married at a young age clips your wings, so to speak. You have less opportunity/less ability to take opportunities since you now have to think as a couple and take the others person’s career, interests, location preferences in mind. You will less likely to take the travel assignment, accept the risky job that could have a huge pay off, get the specialized training that is grueling and will keep you away a while, take the outrageous trip with friends, and so on. Sure it is doable and you may not miss out on anything. There is just a higher chance you will miss out though.

Is there anything you miss out on by marrying late?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They are adults. Good for them for being decisive. I wouldn't rule out some jealously that they have their sheet together and are sealing the deal. Older women have been giving younger women a lot of bad advice for decades, encouraging them to make their same mistakes. What's the hurry, hold out until 30-plus. What they don't tell them is that finding a mate gets harder after 30. Good for bride-to-be for not taking the bait!

You forget that there are older men that also counsel against early marriage. Fathers don’t want to see their adult children compromise their careers and mental health by taking on early financial and personal commitments.

Their advice is great for cultures where men are the bread winners and family planning is forbidden sin. If women is equal partner, neither has debt and birth control is available, it’s not a hindrance in building a career or nest egg.

Not so. My father counseled his three daughters and son to wait and develop independence in our twenties. We all did and have happy marriages and successful careers.

People in original post are already independent so this point is moot for them.

[Anonymous]

DH’s niece’s boyfriend would’ve missed out on precious young years together if he had waited to finish medical school, residency and fellowship before marriage. They would’ve gone long distances and probably she would’ve married someone else or not but possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They are adults. Good for them for being decisive. I wouldn't rule out some jealously that they have their sheet together and are sealing the deal. Older women have been giving younger women a lot of bad advice for decades, encouraging them to make their same mistakes. What's the hurry, hold out until 30-plus. What they don't tell them is that finding a mate gets harder after 30. Good for bride-to-be for not taking the bait!

You forget that there are older men that also counsel against early marriage. Fathers don’t want to see their adult children compromise their careers and mental health by taking on early financial and personal commitments.

Their advice is great for cultures where men are the bread winners and family planning is forbidden sin. If women is equal partner, neither has debt and birth control is available, it’s not a hindrance in building a career or nest egg.

Not so. My father counseled his three daughters and son to wait and develop independence in our twenties. We all did and have happy marriages and successful careers.

People in original post are already independent so this point is moot for them.

But are they? They can’t even be a year out from graduating undergrad.
Maybe they just graduated this dec. They have been likely working their new tech jobs for mere weeks. Don’t own a house, still have career development, additional education to pursue, etc. If you want to break from middle class, one or both of you likely needs at least a graduate degree. They are barely off the payroll of Bank of Dad..or maybe they aren’t yet

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What’s the magic formula then? Just keep hooking up and having failed relationships well into your mid 30’s the complain you can’t find eligible partners or rush into marriage some Tinder guy after dating 6 months because both of you feel like you are missing out on the milestone of having a family? It’s not going to lead to divorce?

I think dcum would say the winning formula is meeting your future spouse between the ages of 26-29 and getting married between 29-32.

Meeting at 19-21 is too early, trying to meet someone after 30 and you have more limited options.

Well, a 23 year old single can be emotionally and financially more stable than a 27 year old so few years add no value here. Divorce or relationship issues aren’t much better for 29-32 year olds so years add limited value.

They can be. People do end up in successful marriages when they marry at young ages. More people are more mature and financially stable, though once they are no longer in their late teens/early 20s. More people are ready for marriage at 27 than at 23. This doesn’t mean every young marriage will fail but let’s not pretend that most young people are ready for marriage just because a few are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Their brains haven’t even finished developing yet. I would not support my adult kids getting married or engaged before 25.

Land that helicopter mama!

It’s idiotic. What are they going to do, pump out some kids at age 24? Idiotic. They should live their lives and bang other people. If it’s meant to be let them go and all that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you want more sex, more fun and less responsibility then marry late or not at all and have kids even later or not at all.

This. Kids are awesome. They’re so fun.

However, I wouldn’t give back my twenties for anything. I miss random sex with hotties.

[Anonymous]

It's definitely a thing, but who cares about someone else's opinion of your niece decision. People say all sorts of rude things...try your best to ignore it. Hubby and I got the same reaction when we got engaged. In fact, the jeweler didn't want to sell us an engagement ring. Met at 20/21, engaged at 22/23, married at 25/26, currently 36/37 happy with no regrets. Now we hear nasty remarks because we don't have kids at our age. People are insensitive jerks, but I don't care if my life meets their expectations.

[Anonymous]

We got married young. Now at 50, our kids are out of the house, so we can travel, bang, etc as much as we want. I wouldn’t trade that for the chance of having sex with others in my 20s. Being 50 with a 13 year old would suck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They are adults. Good for them for being decisive. I wouldn't rule out some jealously that they have their sheet together and are sealing the deal. Older women have been giving younger women a lot of bad advice for decades, encouraging them to make their same mistakes. What's the hurry, hold out until 30-plus. What they don't tell them is that finding a mate gets harder after 30. Good for bride-to-be for not taking the bait!

You forget that there are older men that also counsel against early marriage. Fathers don’t want to see their adult children compromise their careers and mental health by taking on early financial and personal commitments.

Their advice is great for cultures where men are the bread winners and family planning is forbidden sin. If women is equal partner, neither has debt and birth control is available, it’s not a hindrance in building a career or nest egg.

Not so. My father counseled his three daughters and son to wait and develop independence in our twenties. We all did and have happy marriages and successful careers.

People in original post are already independent so this point is moot for them.

But are they? They can’t even be a year out from graduating undergrad.
Maybe they just graduated this dec. They have been likely working their new tech jobs for mere weeks. Don’t own a house, still have career development, additional education to pursue, etc. If you want to break from middle class, one or both of you likely needs at least a graduate degree. They are barely off the payroll of Bank of Dad..or maybe they aren’t yet

Plus earning a salary is not the only kund of independence. They need to discover themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I see nothing wrong with getting married early - and don't understand the people who say that twenty year olds are supposed to just work and travel. Why can't married twenty year olds work and travel? DH and I started dating when I was 20, married at 24, but held off on having kids until later - we worked on our careers and housing and traveled all over the world before we had our children. We had a blast.

Good for you and no where has anyone said you can't travel while young and married. Haven't you heard the expression "foot loose and fancy free?" This is something I am encouraging my kids to do..learn to live with yourself before you have to consider your spouse's feelings and desires. You make all the decisions yourself.. ( within reason, of course)

now do you get it?

Yes I get it - but I also watched a whole lot of my friends do the "foot loose and fancy free" thing in their twenties remain single into their 30s and then freak out and settle for the wrong person in order to have a family and I am now watching 3 of them have very ugly divorces. If you find your person when you are young, you shouldn't throw away that opportunity in the interest of being self-centered and "free". And, actually, the fact that we weren't so set in our individual ways maybe made it easier for my DH and I to grow and mature TOGETHER.

Get it?

This.

I have watched so many friends and family struggle with infertility in their 30s; I plan on encouraging my daughter to get married when she finds the right person (and not wait around and “discover” herself whatever the F that means).

Why is "discover" put in quotes and seen as a negative? Honestly asking. What if your daughter doesn't want kids? And I don't know what you definition of discovering yourself but to me but to me it means trying new jobs, living in different cities, learning new things without yourself the responsibility of making someone else happy. So many women cut short their dreams for their spouse.

My daughter can do whatever she wants but I think all of the things you list as part of “discovering yourself” are 1. totally possible to do while married at the least and 2. Not really valuable in becoming a kind, mature person. I got married at 23 and managed to complete law school and have a good career while married and having children. It’s not like being married and having children prevents you from growing and learning about yourself; that just seems like a very immature perspective on life.

Again you are just adhering to a life script. PP is talking about ways in which one may want to differ.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We got married young. Now at 50, our kids are out of the house, so we can travel, bang, etc as much as we want. I wouldn’t trade that for the chance of having sex with others in my 20s. Being 50 with a 13 year old would suck.

Having sex in your 20s is awesome. I was a late bloomer, so my only regret was that I didn’t start sooner. Married a guy who is really good in bed at 28. Though I also thought that my first boyfriend was good in bed. Three boyfriends late I realized he was not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you want more sex, more fun and less responsibility then marry late or not at all and have kids even later or not at all.

This. Kids are awesome. They’re so fun.

However, I wouldn’t give back my twenties for anything. I miss random sex with hotties.

Well, that’s fine if that’s what you value but to me that just sounds gross.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I see nothing wrong with getting married early - and don't understand the people who say that twenty year olds are supposed to just work and travel. Why can't married twenty year olds work and travel? DH and I started dating when I was 20, married at 24, but held off on having kids until later - we worked on our careers and housing and traveled all over the world before we had our children. We had a blast.

Good for you and no where has anyone said you can't travel while young and married. Haven't you heard the expression "foot loose and fancy free?" This is something I am encouraging my kids to do..learn to live with yourself before you have to consider your spouse's feelings and desires. You make all the decisions yourself.. ( within reason, of course)

now do you get it?

Yes I get it - but I also watched a whole lot of my friends do the "foot loose and fancy free" thing in their twenties remain single into their 30s and then freak out and settle for the wrong person in order to have a family and I am now watching 3 of them have very ugly divorces. If you find your person when you are young, you shouldn't throw away that opportunity in the interest of being self-centered and "free". And, actually, the fact that we weren't so set in our individual ways maybe made it easier for my DH and I to grow and mature TOGETHER.

Get it?

This.

I have watched so many friends and family struggle with infertility in their 30s; I plan on encouraging my daughter to get married when she finds the right person (and not wait around and “discover” herself whatever the F that means).

Why is "discover" put in quotes and seen as a negative? Honestly asking. What if your daughter doesn't want kids? And I don't know what you definition of discovering yourself but to me but to me it means trying new jobs, living in different cities, learning new things without yourself the responsibility of making someone else happy. So many women cut short their dreams for their spouse.

My daughter can do whatever she wants but I think all of the things you list as part of “discovering yourself” are 1. totally possible to do while married at the least and 2. Not really valuable in becoming a kind, mature person. I got married at 23 and managed to complete law school and have a good career while married and having children. It’s not like being married and having children prevents you from growing and learning about yourself; that just seems like a very immature perspective on life.

Again you are just adhering to a life script. PP is talking about ways in which one may want to differ.

Pretending that your twenties is for living out “Sex and The City” with less attractive chars is just as much of a life script as any other, pp.