Broke off an affair. Going through depression

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP do you think perhaps you wish you were with her instead of your wife?

Yes. I do. We were so compatible. We made each other laugh all the time and I felt I could tell her anything. I know it’s a pipe dream but what can I do. Maybe I’ll never get over this. I think she’s fixated on doing what’s best for her child, life and reputation. I’m trying my hardest to keep myself busy.

Fixated is an odd word choice to me.

OW has made it clear that her child is her PRIORITY, not you. That may sound harsh, OP, but come on, OW has a right to decide what is most important in her life and if you care about her as much as you claim to you will respect that.

Therapy is a great tool.

She made her husband a priority over him as well. Clearly.

[Anonymous]

He said there was kissing involved. No doubt more would have happened with time.
I do believe he only loves himself. I think he liked the attention he got from her. He wanted to be adored by someone. My ex was similar, he had pen pals left and right. Would cheat all the time and flaunt his friends in front of me. He would mourn once he loses one but not because he cared about them but because he cared about himself and getting the attention he desired. I think OP is a narcissist even though he’s moping around now. He’ll find someone else soon and love bomb them till he charms them and then will do it over and over again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, no cheater is going to win any character awards, but you are really low - your AP was a friend’s wife, and when caught all you moan about is YOUR feelings? You seriously destroyed another marriage (even if it survives) and your own wife, and express zero remorse for your friend, your own wife or any of your sh!tty decisions and actions? Even your AP seemed to immediately snap back to reality when caught. You REALLY need therapy and to find empathy and remorse.

FFS he didn’t destroy anything they didn’t even have sex. This is all so immature.

I’m guessing you are a guy? This isn’t how women see it.

I’m a woman actually. Of course it’s a problem, but if there was no physical relationship the issue is a much less bigger deal. He is immature and a loser but this need not destroy both marriages.

You can do things that destroy marriages without having sex with another person. The main things that seem to be the problem to me are the lack of empathy, remorse, and not taking initiative to, well, get off the couch. Those things do destroy marriages, even without another person involved.

This! I have children, so I wanted to save my marriage, even after my dh had a year-long, intense emotional affair (allegedly — I’m not sure I buy that they didn’t have sex), but he had no remorse and just couldn’t even pretend to give a damn about my feelings. What I learned is that even if he never cheats on anyone again, his underlying issues that lead to his EA will still be there. He’s selfish and there’s nothing he won’t justify doing, no matter how detrimental it may be to other people, if he benefits from it. He can stop cheating, but he’ll still be a self-centered prick in a 1000 other, smaller ways because of his tendency to put his desires above other people’s desires (and even needs!), including his own children.

[Anonymous]

Why is everyone excoriating OP? The emotional/kissing affair ended before it went too far, it happened over time with someone he knew, he wasn't out looking for other women, he confessed, it's over. At least he didn't sleep with the lady and then leave his wife and children for a homewrecker. Then you all would crucify him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP You allowed yourself to become dependent on this person to regulate your emotional state. You basically outsourced your emotional stability to a near-stranger. She rightfully cut if off — she’s married, to your acquaintance, and they have a kid together! WTAF?? You basically have just said - I don’t care what my values are, I don’t even care what her values are, I’m just gonna ride this emo train as far as it will take me because it feels so damn good. That is pathologically selfish. But not even in a sadistic way. It’s in a masochistic way because the only one who actually seems to be hurting here is you. Ask yourself why you dislike yourself so much to ruin your marriage, friendship and self esteem by becoming non functional over a non relationship.

That’s obviously not true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is everyone excoriating OP? The emotional/kissing affair ended before it went too far, it happened over time with someone he knew, he wasn't out looking for other women, he confessed, it's over. At least he didn't sleep with the lady and then leave his wife and children for a homewrecker. Then you all would crucify him.

His extramarital romantic relationship was inappropriate. His hiding the relationship was a lie of omission. He’s not remorseful. He’s not working on repairing the relationship he actually does have. He’s self absorbed and whiny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is everyone excoriating OP? The emotional/kissing affair ended before it went too far, it happened over time with someone he knew, he wasn't out looking for other women, he confessed, it's over. At least he didn't sleep with the lady and then leave his wife and children for a homewrecker. Then you all would crucify him.

(1) She’s married. (2). She’s married with a kid. (3) She told him not to text her at certain times and he didn’t listen. (4). His actions caused a blow up that harmed the woman. (5) The blow up he caused also harmed his wife. (6) On top of all that, he has stopped functioning at home (and possibly work, too?). (7) He’s fantasizing about contacting her again, after she’s expressly said No contact. (8) If he contacts the woman he could be slapped with a restraining order, which would further harm himself and his family.

But yeah, he wasn’t out looking for additional other women, so it’s all good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP do you think perhaps you wish you were with her instead of your wife?

Yes. I do. We were so compatible. We made each other laugh all the time and I felt I could tell her anything. I know it’s a pipe dream but what can I do. Maybe I’ll never get over this. I think she’s fixated on doing what’s best for her child, life and reputation. I’m trying my hardest to keep myself busy.

Yeah, a lot of people have this annoying habit of valuing their life, family and reputation. Next time, choose a woman who has already burned all her bridges. She’ll be able to give you the attention you need because you’ll be all she has.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is everyone excoriating OP? The emotional/kissing affair ended before it went too far, it happened over time with someone he knew, he wasn't out looking for other women, he confessed, it's over. At least he didn't sleep with the lady and then leave his wife and children for a homewrecker. Then you all would crucify him.

(1) She’s married. (2). She’s married with a kid. (3) She told him not to text her at certain times and he didn’t listen. (4). His actions caused a blow up that harmed the woman. (5) The blow up he caused also harmed his wife. (6) On top of all that, he has stopped functioning at home (and possibly work, too?). (7) He’s fantasizing about contacting her again, after she’s expressly said No contact. (8) If he contacts the woman he could be slapped with a restraining order, which would further harm himself and his family.

But yeah, he wasn’t out looking for additional other women, so it’s all good.

You left out the part about her being married to his friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is everyone excoriating OP? The emotional/kissing affair ended before it went too far, it happened over time with someone he knew, he wasn't out looking for other women, he confessed, it's over. At least he didn't sleep with the lady and then leave his wife and children for a homewrecker. Then you all would crucify him.

OP says he wanted more, he would have done more if it was possible.
The only reason he confessed is because he was caught.
The only reason he was caught was because he was stupid and selfish.
Yeah, you can think of it as no damage was done, but that’s a narrow way of seeing it that I doubt anyone with a shred of emotional intelligence looking at this would agree with. Even if he did care about his AP as he claims he treated her very disrespectfully. As for his wife — I don’t see how she could still respect him as a man after looking at this whole situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is everyone excoriating OP? The emotional/kissing affair ended before it went too far, it happened over time with someone he knew, he wasn't out looking for other women, he confessed, it's over. At least he didn't sleep with the lady and then leave his wife and children for a homewrecker. Then you all would crucify him.

OP says he wanted more, he would have done more if it was possible.
The only reason he confessed is because he was caught.
The only reason he was caught was because he was stupid and selfish.
Yeah, you can think of it as no damage was done, but that’s a narrow way of seeing it that I doubt anyone with a shred of emotional intelligence looking at this would agree with. Even if he did care about his AP as he claims he treated her very disrespectfully. As for his wife — I don’t see how she could still respect him as a man after looking at this whole situation.

He also has nothing to say about why he wanted this and why he handled it as he did. It’s less important what happened than how he understands it (or doesn’t) because that’s what his wife is left with in the end.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is everyone excoriating OP? The emotional/kissing affair ended before it went too far, it happened over time with someone he knew, he wasn't out looking for other women, he confessed, it's over. At least he didn't sleep with the lady and then leave his wife and children for a homewrecker. Then you all would crucify him.

(1) She’s married. (2). She’s married with a kid. (3) She told him not to text her at certain times and he didn’t listen. (4). His actions caused a blow up that harmed the woman. (5) The blow up he caused also harmed his wife. (6) On top of all that, he has stopped functioning at home (and possibly work, too?). (7) He’s fantasizing about contacting her again, after she’s expressly said No contact. (8) If he contacts the woman he could be slapped with a restraining order, which would further harm himself and his family.

But yeah, he wasn’t out looking for additional other women, so it’s all good.

You left out the part about her being married to his friend.

True. And all the 24/7 texting took time away from their respective family obligations and being “present” for their families. So, that’s at least 10 good reasons to excoriate OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is everyone excoriating OP? The emotional/kissing affair ended before it went too far, it happened over time with someone he knew, he wasn't out looking for other women, he confessed, it's over. At least he didn't sleep with the lady and then leave his wife and children for a homewrecker. Then you all would crucify him.

OP says he wanted more, he would have done more if it was possible.
The only reason he confessed is because he was caught.
The only reason he was caught was because he was stupid and selfish.
Yeah, you can think of it as no damage was done, but that’s a narrow way of seeing it that I doubt anyone with a shred of emotional intelligence looking at this would agree with. Even if he did care about his AP as he claims he treated her very disrespectfully. As for his wife — I don’t see how she could still respect him as a man after looking at this whole situation.

On a scale from 0-10 where 0 is absolute fidelity and 10 full blown adultery with multiple partners, I see why PP is saying this is not a big deal. However I think the fact that it’s not a big deal but OP has created a blow up around it makes it even worse. He could have easily kept this discreet and the hurt to all involved would have been minimized. The fact that he doesn’t care to take minimal precautions and is sloppy when there are high stakes involved suggests that he doesn’t care about anyone or anything. And that underlying attitude is reflected in all his actions. If I were his wife I would be sad to be with such a loser.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is everyone excoriating OP? The emotional/kissing affair ended before it went too far, it happened over time with someone he knew, he wasn't out looking for other women, he confessed, it's over. At least he didn't sleep with the lady and then leave his wife and children for a homewrecker. Then you all would crucify him.

(1) She’s married. (2). She’s married with a kid. (3) She told him not to text her at certain times and he didn’t listen. (4). His actions caused a blow up that harmed the woman. (5) The blow up he caused also harmed his wife. (6) On top of all that, he has stopped functioning at home (and possibly work, too?). (7) He’s fantasizing about contacting her again, after she’s expressly said No contact. (8) If he contacts the woman he could be slapped with a restraining order, which would further harm himself and his family.

But yeah, he wasn’t out looking for additional other women, so it’s all good.

You left out the part about her being married to his friend.

True. And all the 24/7 texting took time away from their respective family obligations and being “present” for their families. So, that’s at least 10 good reasons to excoriate OP.

I blame the other woman more than OP. She is a homewrecker. Of course a lot of men would fall prey to a woman throwing themselves at them. Her abruptly ending it because she got busted or whatever 1st doesn't turn this around

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is everyone excoriating OP? The emotional/kissing affair ended before it went too far, it happened over time with someone he knew, he wasn't out looking for other women, he confessed, it's over. At least he didn't sleep with the lady and then leave his wife and children for a homewrecker. Then you all would crucify him.

(1) She’s married. (2). She’s married with a kid. (3) She told him not to text her at certain times and he didn’t listen. (4). His actions caused a blow up that harmed the woman. (5) The blow up he caused also harmed his wife. (6) On top of all that, he has stopped functioning at home (and possibly work, too?). (7) He’s fantasizing about contacting her again, after she’s expressly said No contact. (8) If he contacts the woman he could be slapped with a restraining order, which would further harm himself and his family.

But yeah, he wasn’t out looking for additional other women, so it’s all good.

These are good points. I was mixed on this but the way you put it makes OP look like his actions were both reckless and cruel.