How to accept that we didn't have a second child

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For a lot of the people I know with siblings and aging parents it ends up falling on one sibling anyway.

I'm in an Caretaking Aging Parents FB Group. So much animosity and hatred that one sibling is doing all the work. And some will give financial support, but most don't. And most won't even come out for a week to give the caretaker a little bit of respite.

I'm and Only and I just had to deal with Aging Parents crisis. It was hard, but I'm so thankful that it was just me dealing with it. I can't imagine having another person with their own ideas, emotions and moods to deal with. DH held down the home front while I dealt with my parents. I wasn't alone.

And I do have very long lasting friendships--my 2 BBFs, one I've known for 35 years and the other 33 years. They might help me navigate aging parents, but I know that if I needed them they would be at my side.

OP- go read One and Only by Lauren Sandler ( I think that's the author). Lots of good research on how awesome Onlies are

[Anonymous]

I was very depressed when it was hard to conceive our second. We finally did have a second through IVF. And now I often wonder why I was so focused on it as both my husband and I seem to function better when we are just watching one child. Love my second but he totally stresses out DH. But it's hard to be rationale about all the reasons a second can cause issues when you have that emotional and even physical drive to have a second.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was very depressed when it was hard to conceive our second. We finally did have a second through IVF. And now I often wonder why I was so focused on it as both my husband and I seem to function better when we are just watching one child. Love my second but he totally stresses out DH. But it's hard to be rationale about all the reasons a second can cause issues when you have that emotional and even physical drive to have a second.

I've seen marriages start to have large cracks once the 2nd one arrives.

[Anonymous]

This is OP. It has been so uplifting to read these experiences! It made me smile to read about some of you who are only children and hear about the big families that you have now. And to the other parents who are in similar shoes, thank you for sharing and understanding. I needed to hear all of this and shed a few tears while reading.

I hope that in time my focus on what could have been will dissipate.

[Anonymous]

While I am very happy to have my two kids there are times when I think about what if we had only had one. It's a different family dynamic and I think about the energy my husband and I had when we just had our first child. And how in love with her we were.

That is not to say I regret the second in any way or that we weren't in love with her, but it was a rough pregnancy, premature birth, NICU stay, and a bunch of other stuff that makes a long story, but suffice it to say it changes the dynamic.

Funnily enough, even though I had never really thought about a third, when the second was about a year old I remember mourning that we wouldn't have another.

I think the best we can do is make the most of what we have been given and work to build solid relationships and raise good adults.

[Anonymous]

When we were thinking about stopping at one, I read this book to hear more about different experiences: https://www.amazon.com/Only-Child-Writers-Singular-Solitary/dp/0307238075/.

Often only children tend to make close friends that are almost like siblings - like a girl will be best friends with a girl who only has brothers. It's also great if you can help them build strong connections with their cousins. I feel like the only children I know often go on to have 3-4 kids if they felt like they missed out on that bigger family experience. Also, their parents moved to where they were more easily (no competing siblings).

[Anonymous]

I think your anxiety is causing you to picture negative outcomes.

In my experience, kids can thrive as only children.They have more resources and more say in what goes on. They will have your attention and no jealousy of who is more loved. REsources (like great camps, vacations, tutors) do give kids a leg up. More importantly, you can go to all of their events and savor them fully.

I came from a big family also, so at first had trouble picturing a small family (like at holidays), but that was me projecting. My child did not miss what she did not know.

We would have Thanksgiving with other families (often relatives).

I think the only problem might be after you are gone. But by then they should have a family of their own. That family will bring more relatives. And, they can chose friends who are kind and well suited to their personalities. Remember that family members don't not only bring love. I am not close to all of my siblings. Some bring big time headaches and pain.

So, try not to dwell on what you don't have. You have a healthy child which is the best gift God can give. Congratulations.

[Anonymous]

Well, I wanted one and got none. So.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, I wanted one and got none. So.

{{hugs}}

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:While I am very happy to have my two kids there are times when I think about what if we had only had one. It's a different family dynamic and I think about the energy my husband and I had when we just had our first child. And how in love with her we were.

That is not to say I regret the second in any way or that we weren't in love with her, but it was a rough pregnancy, premature birth, NICU stay, and a bunch of other stuff that makes a long story, but suffice it to say it changes the dynamic.

Funnily enough, even though I had never really thought about a third, when the second was about a year old I remember mourning that we wouldn't have another.

I think the best we can do is make the most of what we have been given and work to build solid relationships and raise good adults.

I’m an Only that only wanted an Only. And we struggled for 5 years and much $$$. So I was so happy just having one. Then around 18m Baby Fever hit me HARD!! And for about a year my hormones made me want another kid. Even though my entire life I only wanted one kid. And our life and finances were perfect with an only child. Having another would’ve been a horrible idea. But my hormones didn’t get that memo. And if I didn’t logically know that one kid was it for me, then I’d probably seriously consider trying for another. So grateful I realized it was hormones and that after a year the urge passed. Having another kid would’ve been the worst thing for our family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:While I am very happy to have my two kids there are times when I think about what if we had only had one. It's a different family dynamic and I think about the energy my husband and I had when we just had our first child. And how in love with her we were.

That is not to say I regret the second in any way or that we weren't in love with her, but it was a rough pregnancy, premature birth, NICU stay, and a bunch of other stuff that makes a long story, but suffice it to say it changes the dynamic.

Funnily enough, even though I had never really thought about a third, when the second was about a year old I remember mourning that we wouldn't have another.

I think the best we can do is make the most of what we have been given and work to build solid relationships and raise good adults.

I’m an Only that only wanted an Only. And we struggled for 5 years and much $$$. So I was so happy just having one. Then around 18m Baby Fever hit me HARD!! And for about a year my hormones made me want another kid. Even though my entire life I only wanted one kid. And our life and finances were perfect with an only child. Having another would’ve been a horrible idea. But my hormones didn’t get that memo. And if I didn’t logically know that one kid was it for me, then I’d probably seriously consider trying for another. So grateful I realized it was hormones and that after a year the urge passed. Having another kid would’ve been the worst thing for our family.

Same! I'm not an only nor is my DH, but we are not close to our families and were older parents and had planned for years to be one and done. It was something we'd talked a lot about and really considered the pluses and minuses of, and decided that was the kind of family we wanted.

But wow those baby hormones when your first exits the "baby" phase. I was obsessed with having another -- I had names picked out, was making plans for moving so we'd have more space, held on to literally every bit of baby clothes and gear we had so that our "next baby" could use them. We decided to wait specifically because I knew it was at least partially just hormones, and my DH wasn't sold. Thank goodness. The hormones passed and now I'm so, so happy to be a family of three. Agreed that if we hadn't really planned to just have one, we probably would have started trying sooner and we'd have two kids (at least!) by now. Not a bad life, but a totally different one that I think would be less suited to our parenting style, life goals, personalities, etc.

Sometimes I can tell people feel a little sorry for me or for my DC that we "only had one." Generally I don't say anything because it's none of their business, but that's always when I feel most secure in the choice. Because I don't feel sorry for us at all! I think our life is pretty near perfect. It makes me realize that some folks just lack the imagination to see how great a different kind of life might be. I'm glad we had that imagination and stuck to it.

[Anonymous]

I'm only 37 with a 5 year old, but after 5 failed IVF cycles and 4 miscarriages, we're done and moving on from that horrible stage of life. I relate to so much of what PP's have said. I think there will always be some sadness and "what-if" feelings, but I think that is true with a lot of life circumstances. Illness and disability, divorce, death. Now that we're firmly on the other side, I can see so many positives to having one. We're calm, present, and actually enjoy parenting. To be frank, all of our friends are in the thick of small children mode (with a toddler and a 5-7 year old), and I sort of pity them that they all seem so eager to escape their families (not because they suck, but because two small kids is exhausting). I find parenting joyful and fulfilling and am sad leaving my family. That would not be the case if we had gone down the path of all of our friends. We build strong relationships with DD's cousins and friends, and make choices like vacationing with other families so that she's not lonely and bored. I also feel really liberated that we can make choices like where to live and school options based on what's best for HER and never have to balance the interests of multiple kids.

And please remember you can never guarantee a specific life for your children. Your second child could have gotten sick, or just been an opposite temperament and fought and bickered constantly. We tend to idealize what could have been, but in reality it's more likely they won't be super close as adults instead of life long best friends. And he's much more likely to feel sad if YOU'RE sad. Build him a full, fulfilling life and that's what he'll have. Invite friends on vacation, be the house that hosts constantly, and show him a happy, joyful childhood. It's okay if he plays alone and learns how to entertain himself. He'll take that independence and creativity with him in life. Lastly, as others have said, end of life is a crap shoot. We just lost my father and my sister helped, but also made it MUCH more difficult emotionally. I would have preferred to handle everything myself instead of having to take on damage control from all of the stress she caused. Don't be stubborn about aging in the home and don't plan on your child having to care for you in their old age. Plan ahead to make it as easy as possible, and it will be sad, but just fine.

[Anonymous]

You must not live in NYC! It’s mostly only kids here in Manhattan.

We have twins (IVF), and when people in our neighborhood hear that we have 2 kids they almost all put their hand to their mouth and say “Oh no! TWO kids!?” And then they suck their breath in through their teeth, shake their head, and tell us how that sounds so, so hard. One woman said how “sorry” she was that we had an “extra” kid to deal with! My husband and I now have an ongoing joke about which kid is the primary kid, and which one is the “extra”. But our neighbors have a point - 2 kids is hard (and expensive).

Our kids are so so jealous of their friends, who are basically all only children. Their friends get all of their parent’s attention, go to amazing summer camps, and take international family trips (before covid). Their friends are such thriving, happy, mature, well-mannered and well-adjusted kids. Our kids are feral in comparison, and still can’t ride a bike. My college roommate is one of these NYC only kids, and she’s so happy with a beautiful family and an amazing career!

Finally, sibling rivalry is no joke - my kids don’t sit around being all loving towards one another - most of the time they are trying to claw each other’s eyes out (either literally or figuratively).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For a lot of the people I know with siblings and aging parents it ends up falling on one sibling anyway.

Yes and no. It has fallen on one at a time for the past 10 years, but we have rotated who was the one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You must not live in NYC! It’s mostly only kids here in Manhattan.

We have twins (IVF), and when people in our neighborhood hear that we have 2 kids they almost all put their hand to their mouth and say “Oh no! TWO kids!?” And then they suck their breath in through their teeth, shake their head, and tell us how that sounds so, so hard. One woman said how “sorry” she was that we had an “extra” kid to deal with! My husband and I now have an ongoing joke about which kid is the primary kid, and which one is the “extra”. But our neighbors have a point - 2 kids is hard (and expensive).

Our kids are so so jealous of their friends, who are basically all only children. Their friends get all of their parent’s attention, go to amazing summer camps, and take international family trips (before covid). Their friends are such thriving, happy, mature, well-mannered and well-adjusted kids. Our kids are feral in comparison, and still can’t ride a bike. My college roommate is one of these NYC only kids, and she’s so happy with a beautiful family and an amazing career!

Finally, sibling rivalry is no joke - my kids don’t sit around being all loving towards one another - most of the time they are trying to claw each other’s eyes out (either literally or figuratively).

This is only true of the poor families. Ppl with a lot of money (7 figure HHI at least) have multiple kids easily.