Reply to How to accept that we didn't have a second child

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[quote=Anonymous]I'm only 37 with a 5 year old, but after 5 failed IVF cycles and 4 miscarriages, we're done and moving on from that horrible stage of life. I relate to so much of what PP's have said. I think there will always be some sadness and "what-if" feelings, but I think that is true with a lot of life circumstances. Illness and disability, divorce, death. Now that we're firmly on the other side, I can see so many positives to having one. We're calm, present, and actually enjoy parenting. To be frank, all of our friends are in the thick of small children mode (with a toddler and a 5-7 year old), and I sort of pity them that they all seem so eager to escape their families (not because they suck, but because two small kids is exhausting). I find parenting joyful and fulfilling and am sad leaving my family. That would not be the case if we had gone down the path of all of our friends. We build strong relationships with DD's cousins and friends, and make choices like vacationing with other families so that she's not lonely and bored. I also feel really liberated that we can make choices like where to live and school options based on what's best for HER and never have to balance the interests of multiple kids.

And please remember you can never guarantee a specific life for your children. Your second child could have gotten sick, or just been an opposite temperament and fought and bickered constantly. We tend to idealize what could have been, but in reality it's more likely they won't be super close as adults instead of life long best friends. And he's much more likely to feel sad if YOU'RE sad. Build him a full, fulfilling life and that's what he'll have. Invite friends on vacation, be the house that hosts constantly, and show him a happy, joyful childhood. It's okay if he plays alone and learns how to entertain himself. He'll take that independence and creativity with him in life. Lastly, as others have said, end of life is a crap shoot. We just lost my father and my sister helped, but also made it MUCH more difficult emotionally. I would have preferred to handle everything myself instead of having to take on damage control from all of the stress she caused. Don't be stubborn about aging in the home and don't plan on your child having to care for you in their old age. Plan ahead to make it as easy as possible, and it will be sad, but just fine. [/quote]

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