How to accept that we didn't have a second child

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You must not live in NYC! It’s mostly only kids here in Manhattan.

We have twins (IVF), and when people in our neighborhood hear that we have 2 kids they almost all put their hand to their mouth and say “Oh no! TWO kids!?” And then they suck their breath in through their teeth, shake their head, and tell us how that sounds so, so hard. One woman said how “sorry” she was that we had an “extra” kid to deal with! My husband and I now have an ongoing joke about which kid is the primary kid, and which one is the “extra”. But our neighbors have a point - 2 kids is hard (and expensive).

Our kids are so so jealous of their friends, who are basically all only children. Their friends get all of their parent’s attention, go to amazing summer camps, and take international family trips (before covid). Their friends are such thriving, happy, mature, well-mannered and well-adjusted kids. Our kids are feral in comparison, and still can’t ride a bike. My college roommate is one of these NYC only kids, and she’s so happy with a beautiful family and an amazing career!

Finally, sibling rivalry is no joke - my kids don’t sit around being all loving towards one another - most of the time they are trying to claw each other’s eyes out (either literally or figuratively).

This is only true of the poor families. Ppl with a lot of money (7 figure HHI at least) have multiple kids easily.

Yes, we are “poor” for Manhattan - one doctor and one non-profit exec. Our kids go to public schools. But still, there are far more only children than kids with sibs in our neighborhood and social circle (mostly other doctors and their families) on the UES. And they are happy families with truly great kids!

I hear that rich people have lots of kids, but we don’t really interact with them - they have their own buildings, schools and social circles, and are not really relevant in our day to day life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Finally, sibling rivalry is no joke - my kids don’t sit around being all loving towards one another - most of the time they are trying to claw each other’s eyes out (either literally or figuratively).

This is only true of the poor families. Ppl with a lot of money (7 figure HHI at least) have multiple kids easily.

No, poor families and rich families alike having sibling abuse. It seems to correlate with the lower the IQ of the primary caregiver and spanking as a discipline. I saw a girl whip a baby with a rubber lizard and after welting him, she was going to whip him again in the welt and he caught the lizard mid-whip in time to keep from severe pain. The big girl then told the mother the baby was touching her lizard. The IMMORAL HORRIBLE mother then punished the baby????? I was sick to the stomach as my phone was dead and I couldn't call CPS. However it appeared to be a SAHM so that makes her mother of the year no matter how awful according to the golddiggers on this site.

I've had many men tell me that "I'm not going to get a man who didn't frame, assault, maim, diminish, and torture his little siblings when his parents weren't watching." They tried to convince me you get a heart attack on your 18th birthday if you don't commit felony abuse and slander to kid brothers and sisters because you "know who to pick on". It is true that bad mothers who never amounted to anything will look the other way at ANY abuse her jerkoff kid pulls if they make their victims less "successful" and provide her bragging rights.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, I wanted one and got none. So.

{{hugs}}

+100000

OP, I have a sibling. She has caused me so much enormous pain and chaos that we are estranged.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, I wanted one and got none. So.

{{hugs}}

+100000

OP, I have a sibling. She has caused me so much enormous pain and chaos that we are estranged.

+another. I’m so sorry, PP.

[Anonymous]

I adopted a child as a single person. When I realized how great she was and how much I loved parenting, I considered adopting a second. An acquaintence told me the tale of his sister, who did adopt a second. He said after that, she was so overextended, that time spent in her home was very stressful. She was always exhausted/playing catch up, frequently snapping at her young kids. She no longer seemed to be enjoying motherhood at all.

I decided to stop while I was ahead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Finally, sibling rivalry is no joke - my kids don’t sit around being all loving towards one another - most of the time they are trying to claw each other’s eyes out (either literally or figuratively).

This is only true of the poor families. Ppl with a lot of money (7 figure HHI at least) have multiple kids easily.

No, poor families and rich families alike having sibling abuse. It seems to correlate with the lower the IQ of the primary caregiver and spanking as a discipline. I saw a girl whip a baby with a rubber lizard and after welting him, she was going to whip him again in the welt and he caught the lizard mid-whip in time to keep from severe pain. The big girl then told the mother the baby was touching her lizard. The IMMORAL HORRIBLE mother then punished the baby????? I was sick to the stomach as my phone was dead and I couldn't call CPS. However it appeared to be a SAHM so that makes her mother of the year no matter how awful according to the golddiggers on this site.

I've had many men tell me that "I'm not going to get a man who didn't frame, assault, maim, diminish, and torture his little siblings when his parents weren't watching." They tried to convince me you get a heart attack on your 18th birthday if you don't commit felony abuse and slander to kid brothers and sisters because you "know who to pick on". It is true that bad mothers who never amounted to anything will look the other way at ANY abuse her jerkoff kid pulls if they make their victims less "successful" and provide her bragging rights.

Fascinating and unrelatable rant. You definitely shouldn't have more kids with these men, or with any others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Finally, sibling rivalry is no joke - my kids don’t sit around being all loving towards one another - most of the time they are trying to claw each other’s eyes out (either literally or figuratively).

This is only true of the poor families. Ppl with a lot of money (7 figure HHI at least) have multiple kids easily.

No, poor families and rich families alike having sibling abuse. It seems to correlate with the lower the IQ of the primary caregiver and spanking as a discipline. I saw a girl whip a baby with a rubber lizard and after welting him, she was going to whip him again in the welt and he caught the lizard mid-whip in time to keep from severe pain. The big girl then told the mother the baby was touching her lizard. The IMMORAL HORRIBLE mother then punished the baby????? I was sick to the stomach as my phone was dead and I couldn't call CPS. However it appeared to be a SAHM so that makes her mother of the year no matter how awful according to the golddiggers on this site.

I've had many men tell me that "I'm not going to get a man who didn't frame, assault, maim, diminish, and torture his little siblings when his parents weren't watching." They tried to convince me you get a heart attack on your 18th birthday if you don't commit felony abuse and slander to kid brothers and sisters because you "know who to pick on". It is true that bad mothers who never amounted to anything will look the other way at ANY abuse her jerkoff kid pulls if they make their victims less "successful" and provide her bragging rights.

I don't think this is the norm, but I think it is more common that we hear. My teen brother and his friend did stupid stuff (like make us drink disgusting concoctions, say of mixed condiments). The bad part of this is that the younger sibling has no place to go an does not feel like they can safely report what goes on when the parents is not home.

One reason I know this goes on is that it sometimes gets reported through 911.

Fascinating and unrelatable rant. You definitely shouldn't have more kids with these men, or with any others.

[Anonymous]

I struggled with infertility for years and at one point on one of the infertility threads on DCUM someone posted that up until very recently people had very little control over how many kids they had -- most people had more or fewer than they wanted because there was no reliable birth control and no infertility treatments. So being able to choose how many kids you want to have is pretty new and it is natural to expect that it won't always work out the way we want. I have found that way of thinking about it to be really helpful. Wishing you peace.

[Anonymous]

OP, wishing you peace on your journey. One thing it might help to realize is that this is sort of a time of life for regrets--we realize a lot of doors really are closed, and new ones won't be opening in the same way. Not to minimize the struggles you are going through, but just to say we all have our burdens we are carrying. And, in the end, it is up to each of us to make peace with them. No amount of anyone else's experience or wisdom or can ultimately help, in the end. Acceptance lies with you. Good luck to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm 47. I have a wonderful husband and amazing 7 year-old son. I think I can bear not having another child but I can't help but feel so sad at times for my son that he won't have a sibling.

I have regrets. About starting a family late...we went back and forth about having children. And then we decided to "just have one." But when I made that decision, I really had no idea what that really meant. And then I had a hard time getting pregnant. We needed a medicated IUI to conceive. I had a very healthy pregnancy and actual birth but we encountered a few medical scares/issues that consumed us the first few years of his life (reflux, delayed speech, and an ER visit with my 5 week old baby). And I'm sort of an anxious person by nature so all that added stress was challenging.

Anyway, when we revisited having another a year or two after our son's birth, we just weren't ready. My husband pushed back especially hard. He's an equal partner and he really felt as though he had nothing more to give. And by then I was approaching 42-43.

I love our family, though this has been an ongoing issue for our marriage. But overall I am actually content with our family of 3. I just have such worries that my child will be unhappy about his lot in life as an only. On occasion he voices a desire for a sibling. But at his age, it's hard to tell whether he truly understands what it means. I guess the best way to describe it is that I am not mourning the opportunity of having another child as much as I am mourning a different life that I/we could have offered our son. Will he feel sadness when he hears about other family experiences? I also worry the he will undoubtedly feel burdened as we age as I read how difficult that time might be on only children.

I suppose I'm posting here to see if there are others here who have walked a similar path. How did you cope?

Wow - I could have written this.

I applied to adopt last week. Hope we will expand this way.

[Anonymous]

Parent of an only child, and myself have siblings - my sister and i do not even speak anymore, and most of my life she hasn't been very nice to me. So .... I don't know. I wish I had the supportive big sister who was my best friend - but what I got is someone who basically just made me feel bad for years and years.

[Anonymous]

Dear OP, we are the same age, but I am on the other side of the parenting journey with an only child, an 18 year old now in college. He had an amazing childhood. Our small family traveled the world, including 2 one-year stints living abroad. He's happy, well-adjusted, has lots of friends, and is a great kid. He's also incredibly adaptable in lots of different settings. Just giving you hope that most only kids turn out just fine.

[Anonymous]

OP, have you considered foster parenting? For kids younger than your ds.

Sometimes, it leads to adoption. Sometimes, it's a safe place for kids to be while the parents get better.

[Anonymous]

Your son can surround himself with family by making one of his own family. He'll take a spouse. They can have as many kids as they like. He will have a rich and full life. A life full of loved ones. A big family, it that's what he wants.

You do not need to provide this. There is love everywhere. He will find love everywhere.

Enjoy your family. It would be so sad for regret to take away any of your joy, any their joy.

[Anonymous]

I just don’t understand this. I’m an only child of an only child and have an only child. Never wanted siblings. We had close family friends who were like sisters but went home at night most of the time. I still keep in touch with them today and have a similar relationship like a lot of siblings. My kid has never wanted siblings. We could afford private school, save a lot for college, will be able to help with a house down payment…financial things are so much easier with one. I do know some only kids who longed for siblings but I also know lots of people who hate their brothers and sisters. Your child will be fine. My child also grew up with another only who is a lot like a sister.