How to accept that we didn't have a second child

[Anonymous]

I'm 47. I have a wonderful husband and amazing 7 year-old son. I think I can bear not having another child but I can't help but feel so sad at times for my son that he won't have a sibling.

I have regrets. About starting a family late...we went back and forth about having children. And then we decided to "just have one." But when I made that decision, I really had no idea what that really meant. And then I had a hard time getting pregnant. We needed a medicated IUI to conceive. I had a very healthy pregnancy and actual birth but we encountered a few medical scares/issues that consumed us the first few years of his life (reflux, delayed speech, and an ER visit with my 5 week old baby). And I'm sort of an anxious person by nature so all that added stress was challenging.

Anyway, when we revisited having another a year or two after our son's birth, we just weren't ready. My husband pushed back especially hard. He's an equal partner and he really felt as though he had nothing more to give. And by then I was approaching 42-43.

I love our family, though this has been an ongoing issue for our marriage. But overall I am actually content with our family of 3. I just have such worries that my child will be unhappy about his lot in life as an only. On occasion he voices a desire for a sibling. But at his age, it's hard to tell whether he truly understands what it means. I guess the best way to describe it is that I am not mourning the opportunity of having another child as much as I am mourning a different life that I/we could have offered our son. Will he feel sadness when he hears about other family experiences? I also worry the he will undoubtedly feel burdened as we age as I read how difficult that time might be on only children.

I suppose I'm posting here to see if there are others here who have walked a similar path. How did you cope?

[Anonymous]

I'm in this now, OP -- 42 with an 8 year old. I don't want another for myself, but DD wishes she had a same age sibling (never in the cards) and has asked about how her kids won't have aunts and uncles on our side. It does make me sad. It's also the best choice for our family. We always planned to "build a family" of close friends -- but it has been tough, and covid cut us off from some important resources like our church community.

I kind of wish we'd had another baby early on, but it really wasn't an ok time (as in, my health and our marriage were not ok) and then I had several miscarriages so we stopped trying. Doing it now, with the huge age gap, seems unwise.

I do believe my DD will be ok. She doesn't even realize how she's benefited from the time and money we're able to give her because she's an only. I also know that siblings don't always get along, and even die, so our control over these things is really minimal even if we'd planned differently.

Hugs to you.

[Anonymous]

I’m an only. I didn’t really mind it growing up, but I did marry a man who had three siblings and we had three kids, so I am definitely not lonely or lacking in family connections. I am quite close to my parents and also quite close to my in laws of almost 20 years. DH loves his siblings, but they don’t really have independent connections outside of the big family events that run through his parents. Your kid will build a family and his/her own connections as an adult. Just because you don’t have your own siblings does not mean that you won’t have a big family.

[Anonymous]

For a lot of the people I know with siblings and aging parents it ends up falling on one sibling anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m an only. I didn’t really mind it growing up, but I did marry a man who had three siblings and we had three kids, so I am definitely not lonely or lacking in family connections. I am quite close to my parents and also quite close to my in laws of almost 20 years. DH loves his siblings, but they don’t really have independent connections outside of the big family events that run through his parents. Your kid will build a family and his/her own connections as an adult. Just because you don’t have your own siblings does not mean that you won’t have a big family.

thank from mom of an only who had major health problems that prevented me from having no. 2

[Anonymous]

I've had adults who were only children say to me unsolicited "Oh, just one? I was an only and it was wonderful." And go into reasons, like undivided time with their parents, travel, independence, helping them to relate to adults, etc. etc. I don't know if it's true, but I'm thankful to them.

And DC's friends all comment on how lucky to not have siblings to fight with and have to share! Covid isolation changed that some, and I'm happy that the friends grew closer to their siblings over that time.

I do still feel sad sometimes, since I wanted more but DH was one and done. He doesn't get it, which is extra hard. But most days I don't think about it at all and enjoy our family.

[Anonymous]

I'm an only child. I have never wanted a sibling. I vaguely wanted a sister simply for purposes of having more clothes, but really I just wanted the clothes.

I once asked my dad if he had other kids, and when he said no I realized it was relief that I felt.

[Anonymous]

I read once that only children have stronger and longer friendships than children with sibs. It certainly was the case for dh and dd. I had dd late and in the middle of a lot of stressful things, so I was okay with not having another kid. But after my parents passed and I shared the load dealing with it with my two siblings, I felt sad that dd wouldn't have that kind of support when dh and I go. OTOH, she has an amazing friendship network and I totally expect that she will get plenty of help from her friends.

I understand that you're sad, OP, and I think it's okay to grieve and work through those feelings. But the reality is that your kid might be just fine being an only child. Try not to worry too much.

[Anonymous]

5-6-7 are tough ages because all of their friends are still getting little brothers and sisters. That will pass. My only is 12 and he likes his friends' little siblings and loves babies but never expresses sadness that he's an only. He loves his life and has tons of friends. I was sad to have only one kid for a while, but it wasn't in the cards for us and I decided to embrace the family we have versus pining for something that might have been. There is much to love about the portability and extra $$ with only one kid, not to mention the fact that we have the extra time to remain deeply engaged with our child and not split our energies among more children. So I can call out from work and take an impromptu day trip to the beach. We can both attend our kids' baseball games. I like to read our kid's required reading, too, so we can discuss, and my husband has the time and patience to help our kid master bread baking.

[Anonymous]

My ex cheated on me and had a baby with his AP. I thought we were building our family. Time really does cure this. Gratitude practice REALLY helps and eventually your child will be a teenager and you will be really happy to have one, I promise

[Anonymous]

OP I also think this through constantly with my only and it comes down to this: if I were able to somehow guarantee that as an adult he wouldn’t be lonely or he’d have someone after we pass, I’d give him a sibling in a second. But that’s not how the world works. So I give him what I know he can have—two really happy parents, reasonably unlimited resources, community. The rest is outside of my control.

[Anonymous]

Just because you have siblings, doesn’t mean they’ll get along / have a relationship.

[Anonymous]

If your child is happy why worry? Sure, having a sibling is great if close in age but if 5-10 years apart there is not going to be a playmate connection. Also keep in mind that plenty of siblings hate each other.

[Anonymous]

I was an only child and I was fine with it because I had loving parents and a lot of friends. I married into a family of seven which was a real shock to me especially the noise level! Thankfully they are all very close.

[Anonymous]

Huge hugs to you OP. We just took our only to college last weekend, so I can speak to our experiences and his (to a degree). We waited to have kids, then couldn't, then did IVF and delivered him at 39 (a day before my birthday actually). We tried again a few times quickly after that to no success.

Yes, it was hard for us but we were so happy to have him thinking we never would, and yes it was hard to accept early on. We grieved a lot. At this point we do think of our "others" and wonder what life would be like, but only in passing (after we dropped him off actually...lots of tears on my part). But honestly I can't imagine life any different. Our little family of 3 is perfect and things have been different because of it, in a good way. We are both very involved parents, and have no regrets about not having enough time for him.

He is a kind, calm child who people like to be around. We were able to kid around with him and have looser rules just having one. He had us 100%, and we could afford to travel and do things because of just having one. We are a close unit. There was a time he asked for a sibling along the way but he knew what we went through and that it was a pipe dream. Then he would be around screaming kids and happy to go home to the quiet!

It's different, but it's ok. Both ds and I are from multiple sibling families, and it was hard for us to picture a small family. But it's ours and we can't honestly imagine it any other way. At times, I thanks god I didn't have more as my anxiety wouldn't have handled it, and I was able to be a great mom to him.