How to accept that we didn't have a second child

[Anonymous]

PP here. Also, I had my child at 29. So, I’m a few years we are going to be empty nesters in out late 40s. I know I will be really sad, but I have lots of friends with kids who are in middle school and even elementary school now. I’m kind of looking forward to being able to enjoy the time still being young enough to enjoy the time!

[Anonymous]

I had 4 siblings, my one sister passed away at 47. I never see my brothers except at funerals. I have two children and I really hope they have a relationship when they are adults, there are no guarantees.

[Anonymous]

You never know how sibling relationships will turn out. I personally could not have had one child. It was 0 or 2 for me. My sibling is my favorite person next to my kids. He is literally the only person I can depend on in life. No one else.
I have cousins who are only children who hated it and one friend who was an only who did not get married and he is very depressed because his parents died in his 40s and he literally has no family and is alone in the world. This is an extreme case, but it can happen.

Both my parents come from large families and have virtually no relationship with their siblings so in their lives, having siblings was no advantage.

The thing is... a lot in life can't be planned. There can be advantages to being an only child. Just give your child a good childhood and hope for the best. He could get very lucky and end up with exactly the life he wants. There are no guarantees having a second child would have resulted in in the ideal sibling relationship you are mourning. Maybe so, but maybe not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You never know how sibling relationships will turn out. I personally could not have had one child. It was 0 or 2 for me. My sibling is my favorite person next to my kids. He is literally the only person I can depend on in life. No one else.
I have cousins who are only children who hated it and one friend who was an only who did not get married and he is very depressed because his parents died in his 40s and he literally has no family and is alone in the world. This is an extreme case, but it can happen.

Both my parents come from large families and have virtually no relationship with their siblings so in their lives, having siblings was no advantage.

The thing is... a lot in life can't be planned. There can be advantages to being an only child. Just give your child a good childhood and hope for the best. He could get very lucky and end up with exactly the life he wants. There are no guarantees having a second child would have resulted in in the ideal sibling relationship you are mourning. Maybe so, but maybe not.

You know these things aren't in your control, right? Glad life turned out as planned for you, but it doesn't for everyone and they don't get the privilege of saying "I personally could not have."

[Anonymous]

OP - don't project your perceived sadness onto your child. There is so much uncertainty when it comes to siblings, and people tend to focus on this idealized best friend scenario. My SIL has a younger brother with a whole host of problems, and her mother took her brother's side - enabling poor decisions and defending him even after he went to jail - so she's estranged from them both now. She always says "I wish he was never born." But people don't consider THAT scenario when lamenting an only child. My aunt is unable to handle her own finances responsibly but is still verbally abusive to my mom despite the fact that my mom keeps giving her money because she doesn't want to see her sister starve. No one considers THAT scenario either.

So yes, OP, your child won't have a magical life long relationship with a sibling. But your child also won't have a parasitic, abusive, or emotionally distraught relationship with a sibling either. Don't beat yourself up over one-sided what-ifs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You never know how sibling relationships will turn out. I personally could not have had one child. It was 0 or 2 for me. My sibling is my favorite person next to my kids. He is literally the only person I can depend on in life. No one else.
I have cousins who are only children who hated it and one friend who was an only who did not get married and he is very depressed because his parents died in his 40s and he literally has no family and is alone in the world. This is an extreme case, but it can happen.

Both my parents come from large families and have virtually no relationship with their siblings so in their lives, having siblings was no advantage.

The thing is... a lot in life can't be planned. There can be advantages to being an only child. Just give your child a good childhood and hope for the best. He could get very lucky and end up with exactly the life he wants. There are no guarantees having a second child would have resulted in in the ideal sibling relationship you are mourning. Maybe so, but maybe not.

You know these things aren't in your control, right? Glad life turned out as planned for you, but it doesn't for everyone and they don't get the privilege of saying "I personally could not have."

do I have to say barring any secondary infertility? My point is, I was not having 1 kid if I could help it. Get it? It was no kids or two. It was never going to be "one and done." My preference was 0 kids. My ex husband had other plans. So you are right, so this was certainly NOT in my control. If it was, and I was dealing with a normal person, I would have had 0 kids. That said, since I had the 1, I was glad for sibling. It was not for me. It was for the kid.

[Anonymous]

Therapy might help you come to terms with the fact that life never turns out the way we had planned.

[Anonymous]

I have only one, OP, and there are so many great things about it. Read "One and Only" by Lauren Sandler. I originally wanted zero, then two -- never allowed myself to consider an only. Turns out it's the only way I can really be happy as a mom. I have an extremely low capacity for kid chaos.

[Anonymous]

This is OP. Just want to thank everyone for their continued thoughts and shared experiences. I've been in a better place lately. One of my siblings recently had their second child. Their first is the same age as my child. The initial announcement was hard for me, although I was thrilled for them as well. But the baby is now here, and I am surprised that I am mostly feeling joy (for them) and peace (for myself). I'm sure my feelings will fluctuate but again...thank you for your continued kindness and sharing.

[Anonymous]

I’m an only whose mom was an only and I have an only. It was my choice. I liked being an only child, and my child (teenager) likes it too. If you forge a close friendship or a few with other kids early in life, I think that can really supplant that desire for companionship in a kid. It’s kind of the best of both worlds. A friend like a sister and or brother but they can go home! I suppose that now that my parents are getting older..well..I always knew that would fall to me. But I often see that in families with multiple kids. One ends up bearing most of the burden. So, I can’t say I really relate to the anxiety. I am always a little befuddled at why people think it’s so awful to have only one kid. You get to devote all of your attention to them. Financially, it is easier. Half of the people I know with siblings don’t like them. Myths that only kids are selfish or weird have been disproved. They tend to be more like oldest kids. I DO have a very small family. So, there is that. But is that a negative? I don’t really think so.

[Anonymous]

Ooops! I just realized I had posted to this thread earlier! It’s been around for a while. Sorry about that! I thought it was a different question! I’m glad you’re doing a little better with this, OP! My friend/sister of 42 years just texted me last night to ask for technology advice! Lol. So, you can see that you can have long lasting connections even as an only child!

[Anonymous]

Wow, I feel so sad for all these people with estranged siblings. My sibling and I are super close.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, I feel so sad for all these people with estranged siblings. My sibling and I are super close.

Don't feel sad for me, I have step-siblings who fill the gap. I think family isn't completely defined by who I share DNA with, it's about who I choose and who chooses me which can include blood relations but it's not limited by blood relations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. Just want to thank everyone for their continued thoughts and shared experiences. I've been in a better place lately. One of my siblings recently had their second child. Their first is the same age as my child. The initial announcement was hard for me, although I was thrilled for them as well. But the baby is now here, and I am surprised that I am mostly feeling joy (for them) and peace (for myself). I'm sure my feelings will fluctuate but again...thank you for your continued kindness and sharing.

Glad to hear you're feeling better, OP. I think we fluctuate about all our life decisions in general (career, kids, house, etc), but the topic of only children often comes with the burden of what society expects. I have an only and I feel pressure to have a second because "that's what everyone does." I always admire the strength of people who decide not to have kids because they are pushing back on social norms even more.