Single Guy Friend (33) Can't Find a Girlfriend

[Anonymous]

I have a friend like this but we aren’t 33 or else I would think you’re talking about him. He is short and kind of messy in his appearance, and super pessimistic. But he’s nice and funny and athletic and makes good money. He’s lived in LA and is now in DC and I think he just goes after the wrong girls. He doesn’t date non-Asian women and the kinds of women he’s had minor relationships with always end up with taller, more alpha Asian guys or white guys. I am white and married to an Asian man and our friend group includes a lot of different backgrounds. We’ve all begged my single friend to date a wider variety of women to no avail.

I don’t think all non-Asian women are open to dating Asian men nor are Asian men willing to consider other races. There is a ton of gross and centuries-old racism when it comes to women dating Asian guys, and Asian first generation men who I know can be very parochial and even racist about dating outside their race, partly because of family and cultural pressure.

[Anonymous]

Bad in bed?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a friend like this but we aren’t 33 or else I would think you’re talking about him. He is short and kind of messy in his appearance, and super pessimistic. But he’s nice and funny and athletic and makes good money. He’s lived in LA and is now in DC and I think he just goes after the wrong girls. He doesn’t date non-Asian women and the kinds of women he’s had minor relationships with always end up with taller, more alpha Asian guys or white guys. I am white and married to an Asian man and our friend group includes a lot of different backgrounds. We’ve all begged my single friend to date a wider variety of women to no avail.

I don’t think all non-Asian women are open to dating Asian men nor are Asian men willing to consider other races. There is a ton of gross and centuries-old racism when it comes to women dating Asian guys, and Asian first generation men who I know can be very parochial and even racist about dating outside their race, partly because of family and cultural pressure.

All of this.

I've noticed Asian men being slightly more willing to date inter-ethnically within East Asian countries but even that is a super-limited dating pool outside of specific areas in California.

OP you basically said: my friend wants a gold mare with an even gait only sired from a Triple Crown winner with a nice temperament but he's not picky AT ALL.

[Anonymous]

If he's still desperate at 35 set him up with a home country matchmaker, he'll get his pretty K-Pop idol wife who cooks and cleans to his heart's content (just don't expect her to contribute to the finances or household beyond that)

[Anonymous]

So he's superficial and then complains when other people are superficial back?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why won't you date him, OP?

I was actually attracted to him, but he did not feel the same way. I’m not Asian, among other things.
Also when we became friends, I was already dating my soon-to-be DH, and I was equally attracted to him, so even if Asian friend were into me, I don’t think I would have ended my relationship to date him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is he cocky? Cockiness is a HUGE turnoff for a lot of women, even if they can't articulate that.

He’s not cocky, he’s really sweet and down to earth. But not socially awkward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've seen a lot of the posts on here implying that men have the upper hand in dating, esp going into their 30s.

So, what to make of my guy friend who's never had a serious girlfriend? He is an Ivy grad, solid corporate career, reasonably good-looking. Dry sense of humor, supersmart, into culture, good talker and listener. Downsides? He is a bit pessimistic, and has some confidence issues, but nothing major. He is definitely a nerd, not athletic (but not overweight at all). No issues with abuse, prior baggage, family issues, cheating, alcohol, etc. He wants to marry and have kids.

He has tried to date mostly online (in NYC where he lives), and it has not worked out well. He says it's because he's Asian and looking for Asian girls, and they all want to date white guys. He is a bit picky with looks, but it boggles my mind when I read about how hard it is to find a good man (especially in your 30s), and here is this awesome guy striking out repeatedly. Makes me wonder if women are complaining about the shortage of guys while overlooking perfectly good mates because they're not hot or flashy enough...

Or maybe both men and women overlook good potential mates while chasing some idea of a perfect unicorn relationship and then end up alone.

Your post is full of reasons.
Is he short? NYC women don't want short men.
He's pessimistic, has confidence issues, but is picky about looks.
How do you know he's striking out repeatedly? Are you seeing the conversations he has with women? Maybe something he's saying is a major turn off.

He’s 6 ft tall, actually! He tells me about ask the unreturned messages he sends and the first dates that don’t lead to second dates. But I don’t know exactly what he says to them. In our friend circle, he’s a great conversationist and has many friends, but I guess it’s possible that he acts differently with potential mates?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What kind of Asian is he?

A lot of women, even Korean American women, don't want to do Korean American men because they say the culture is very sexist.

I have lots of East Asian Americans friends who have told me this.

He is Chinese. He grew up here and isn’t overtly sexist, but I’ll have to investigate, maybe he has some problematic underlying beliefs about what relationships should look like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've seen a lot of the posts on here implying that men have the upper hand in dating, esp going into their 30s.

So, what to make of my guy friend who's never had a serious girlfriend? He is an Ivy grad, solid corporate career, reasonably good-looking. Dry sense of humor, supersmart, into culture, good talker and listener. Downsides? He is a bit pessimistic, and has some confidence issues, but nothing major. He is definitely a nerd, not athletic (but not overweight at all). No issues with abuse, prior baggage, family issues, cheating, alcohol, etc. He wants to marry and have kids.

He has tried to date mostly online (in NYC where he lives), and it has not worked out well. He says it's because he's Asian and looking for Asian girls, and they all want to date white guys. He is a bit picky with looks, but it boggles my mind when I read about how hard it is to find a good man (especially in your 30s), and here is this awesome guy striking out repeatedly. Makes me wonder if women are complaining about the shortage of guys while overlooking perfectly good mates because they're not hot or flashy enough...

Or maybe both men and women overlook good potential mates while chasing some idea of a perfect unicorn relationship and then end up alone.

Your post is full of reasons.
Is he short? NYC women don't want short men.
He's pessimistic, has confidence issues, but is picky about looks.
How do you know he's striking out repeatedly? Are you seeing the conversations he has with women? Maybe something he's saying is a major turn off.

He’s 6 ft tall, actually! He tells me about ask the unreturned messages he sends and the first dates that don’t lead to second dates. But I don’t know exactly what he says to them. In our friend circle, he’s a great conversationist and has many friends, but I guess it’s possible that he acts differently with potential mates?

My 5’6” friend had no issue dating in NYC with very attractive girls. His secret is being genuinely interested in the other person, asking her questions about her self, small touch (elbows or tap on shoulder) to emphasize his interest. As far as looks he tailor button down shirts and always apply starch.

Maybe give it a try.

Culturally Chinese men like to talk about politics or finance to show off their skill/paycheck/knowledge, but it’s not really a thing in the US.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like he doesn't really want one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've seen a lot of the posts on here implying that men have the upper hand in dating, esp going into their 30s.

So, what to make of my guy friend who's never had a serious girlfriend? He is an Ivy grad, solid corporate career, reasonably good-looking. Dry sense of humor, supersmart, into culture, good talker and listener. Downsides? He is a bit pessimistic, and has some confidence issues, but nothing major. He is definitely a nerd, not athletic (but not overweight at all). No issues with abuse, prior baggage, family issues, cheating, alcohol, etc. He wants to marry and have kids.

He has tried to date mostly online (in NYC where he lives), and it has not worked out well. He says it's because he's Asian and looking for Asian girls, and they all want to date white guys. He is a bit picky with looks, but it boggles my mind when I read about how hard it is to find a good man (especially in your 30s), and here is this awesome guy striking out repeatedly. Makes me wonder if women are complaining about the shortage of guys while overlooking perfectly good mates because they're not hot or flashy enough...

Or maybe both men and women overlook good potential mates while chasing some idea of a perfect unicorn relationship and then end up alone.

You mean exactly like your friend is doing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why won't you date him, OP?

I was actually attracted to him, but he did not feel the same way. I’m not Asian, among other things.
Also when we became friends, I was already dating my soon-to-be DH, and I was equally attracted to him, so even if Asian friend were into me, I don’t think I would have ended my relationship to date him.

It sounds like you still have a thing for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've seen a lot of the posts on here implying that men have the upper hand in dating, esp going into their 30s.

So, what to make of my guy friend who's never had a serious girlfriend? He is an Ivy grad, solid corporate career, reasonably good-looking. Dry sense of humor, supersmart, into culture, good talker and listener. Downsides? He is a bit pessimistic, and has some confidence issues, but nothing major. He is definitely a nerd, not athletic (but not overweight at all). No issues with abuse, prior baggage, family issues, cheating, alcohol, etc. He wants to marry and have kids.

He has tried to date mostly online (in NYC where he lives), and it has not worked out well. He says it's because he's Asian and looking for Asian girls, and they all want to date white guys. He is a bit picky with looks, but it boggles my mind when I read about how hard it is to find a good man (especially in your 30s), and here is this awesome guy striking out repeatedly. Makes me wonder if women are complaining about the shortage of guys while overlooking perfectly good mates because they're not hot or flashy enough...

Or maybe both men and women overlook good potential mates while chasing some idea of a perfect unicorn relationship and then end up alone.

You mean exactly like your friend is doing?

+1. Pot, meet kettle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah as a white woman married to a Korean guy, an Asian man being “picky about looks” is bad news. The baseline standards for appearance are already so high! I’m exhausted sometimes keeping up with the diet/exercise/hair/clothing routine just to look acceptable to my in laws. Your friend needs to lower his expectations from “looks like a k-drama star” to “in good shape and well put together” if he’s serious about finding a girlfriend and not actually a closet case.

I'm sorry what did I read??? This is some BS