Single Guy Friend (33) Can't Find a Girlfriend

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For those who wonder why this guy is picky about wanting an Asian mate, let me add some thoughts.

I'm a Chinese American guy in my 50's. My parents came to the US in the 1950's for graduate school, met, married and had their family. So, I am in many respects a typical ABC (American Born Chinese). My parents were pretty forward thinking, they were open to us kids marrying whoever we wanted and were pretty accepting. That said, I grew up with many family friends whose parents were less open and wanted not only an Asian in-law, but specifically a Chinese in-law. Some of these parents applied a LOT of pressure. I know some kids who dated non-Chinese and were subjected to a lot of criticism and unpleasantness from parents and extended family, who tried to tread a very thin line of appeasing both family and SO and then their relationships ended up very strained when the SO felt they were not supported enough against the family. I also know many, especially many who watched the same difficult family situation unfold with friends, who decided it just wasn't worth it.

I'm an ABC, but I've noticed that many American Chinese who immigrated when young, have very similar situations. It's less a problem with families where the parents also immigrate to the US and integrate into American society. But the ones whose parents come to the US and really don't integrate (e.g. don't get jobs working in the US, don't really learn much English and live in very closed ethnic communities or closed ethnic family friend groups) or whose parents don't come to the US and stay back in China or Taiwan, are likely to have even more such difficulties.

So, while it is understandable that many suggest that his problem is his narrow field of choice, in many Chinese families, it is both better for both partners for such children to try and find a partner with at least similar backgrounds. I can say that for some of these families where the child chose someone outside of the family background, that it makes for a very long and difficult marriage. I know several such marriages that did not survive the family tension. And I know a couple that have, but the family friction is a real strain on the marriage.

It doesn't help the person who is feeling alone, but it might explain why he wants to find a preferably Chinese mate, to avoid life-long stress, tension and friction between family and partner.

Lots of people have parents with specific expectations about who we would marry or more generally the lives we would lead that we did not fulfill. If this guy wishes to find a partner and have kids but is single into his 30s because he can't deal with his parents' response if he brings home a woman who isn't Chinese, the primary issue there is not his parents, it's his own passiveness and fear of conflict. If you want this badly enough, you suck it up and deal with it, and you tell your parents to knock it off if they want to see their grandkids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I am a white woman who has had many Asian American friends over my lifetime.

This right here is why I don’t date Asian American men. Not worth the bother of the family dynamics. Even if they are ok with their kid dating or marrying someone white, I find Asian cultures often have very demanding family expectations, especially of women.

^ this. Asian culture is super repressive for women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've seen a lot of the posts on here implying that men have the upper hand in dating, esp going into their 30s.

So, what to make of my guy friend who's never had a serious girlfriend? He is an Ivy grad, solid corporate career, reasonably good-looking. Dry sense of humor, supersmart, into culture, good talker and listener. Downsides? He is a bit pessimistic, and has some confidence issues, but nothing major. He is definitely a nerd, not athletic (but not overweight at all). No issues with abuse, prior baggage, family issues, cheating, alcohol, etc. He wants to marry and have kids.

He has tried to date mostly online (in NYC where he lives), and it has not worked out well. He says it's because he's Asian and looking for Asian girls, and they all want to date white guys. He is a bit picky with looks, but it boggles my mind when I read about how hard it is to find a good man (especially in your 30s), and here is this awesome guy striking out repeatedly. Makes me wonder if women are complaining about the shortage of guys while overlooking perfectly good mates because they're not hot or flashy enough...

Or maybe both men and women overlook good potential mates while chasing some idea of a perfect unicorn relationship and then end up alone.

Not all Asian women want to date white guys. There’s something going on with your friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've seen a lot of the posts on here implying that men have the upper hand in dating, esp going into their 30s.

So, what to make of my guy friend who's never had a serious girlfriend? He is an Ivy grad, solid corporate career, reasonably good-looking. Dry sense of humor, supersmart, into culture, good talker and listener. Downsides? He is a bit pessimistic, and has some confidence issues, but nothing major. He is definitely a nerd, not athletic (but not overweight at all). No issues with abuse, prior baggage, family issues, cheating, alcohol, etc. He wants to marry and have kids.

He has tried to date mostly online (in NYC where he lives), and it has not worked out well. He says it's because he's Asian and looking for Asian girls, and they all want to date white guys. He is a bit picky with looks, but it boggles my mind when I read about how hard it is to find a good man (especially in your 30s), and here is this awesome guy striking out repeatedly. Makes me wonder if women are complaining about the shortage of guys while overlooking perfectly good mates because they're not hot or flashy enough...

Or maybe both men and women overlook good potential mates while chasing some idea of a perfect unicorn relationship and then end up alone.

Not all Asian women want to date white guys. There’s something going on with your friend.

I mean, maybe or maybe not. The bigger issue is that he's restricting himself to a tiny slice of the population (hot East Asian women who are not already partnered).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I am a white woman who has had many Asian American friends over my lifetime.

This right here is why I don’t date Asian American men. Not worth the bother of the family dynamics. Even if they are ok with their kid dating or marrying someone white, I find Asian cultures often have very demanding family expectations, especially of women.

^ this. Asian culture is super repressive for women.

I think it's important to emphasize that you must be comparing only asian culture to western white culture. Asian culture is not nearly as repressive for women as almost any african, middle eastern, or carribean countries. Also the culture varies a lot - taiwan and hong kong are a lot better than indonesia, for example. Korean expectations for women in the family are a lot more traditional than China. Saying "asia this" and "asia that" is painting with an overly broad brush

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've seen a lot of the posts on here implying that men have the upper hand in dating, esp going into their 30s.

So, what to make of my guy friend who's never had a serious girlfriend? He is an Ivy grad, solid corporate career, reasonably good-looking. Dry sense of humor, supersmart, into culture, good talker and listener. Downsides? He is a bit pessimistic, and has some confidence issues, but nothing major. He is definitely a nerd, not athletic (but not overweight at all). No issues with abuse, prior baggage, family issues, cheating, alcohol, etc. He wants to marry and have kids.

He has tried to date mostly online (in NYC where he lives), and it has not worked out well. He says it's because he's Asian and looking for Asian girls, and they all want to date white guys. He is a bit picky with looks, but it boggles my mind when I read about how hard it is to find a good man (especially in your 30s), and here is this awesome guy striking out repeatedly. Makes me wonder if women are complaining about the shortage of guys while overlooking perfectly good mates because they're not hot or flashy enough...

Or maybe both men and women overlook good potential mates while chasing some idea of a perfect unicorn relationship and then end up alone.

He doesn't sound awesome to me at all.

This.

And please refer to the many Asian women married to Asian men. Give me a break.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:picky, pessimistic, confidence problems, and dry sense of humor. Not good.
If short and balding, really not good.

Do you think a dry sense of humor in isolation is not good? Or is it bad when coupled with the other characteristics that in isolation are not good.

If the person is more optimistic and is fairly self-assured, I would think the dry sense of humor signals a level of intelligence that might be attractive. But I'm a guy and long out of the dating world, so I may be clueless.

NP, I’m a woman (Black) (2nd least desirable demographic…) and love a dry sense of humor. Also don’t understand what’s so wrong with being picky about looks. Not that everyone needs to be model-types, but there needs to be some physical attraction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:picky, pessimistic, confidence problems, and dry sense of humor. Not good.
If short and balding, really not good.

Do you think a dry sense of humor in isolation is not good? Or is it bad when coupled with the other characteristics that in isolation are not good.

If the person is more optimistic and is fairly self-assured, I would think the dry sense of humor signals a level of intelligence that might be attractive. But I'm a guy and long out of the dating world, so I may be clueless.

NP, I’m a woman (Black) (2nd least desirable demographic…) and love a dry sense of humor. Also don’t understand what’s so wrong with being picky about looks. Not that everyone needs to be model-types, but there needs to be some physical attraction.

There's a difference between wanting to be attracted to someone and picky about looks. One is healthy and normal. One resks of immaturity.

Also dry sense of humor is generally a euphuism for negative and mean spirited.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those who wonder why this guy is picky about wanting an Asian mate, let me add some thoughts.

I'm a Chinese American guy in my 50's. My parents came to the US in the 1950's for graduate school, met, married and had their family. So, I am in many respects a typical ABC (American Born Chinese). My parents were pretty forward thinking, they were open to us kids marrying whoever we wanted and were pretty accepting. That said, I grew up with many family friends whose parents were less open and wanted not only an Asian in-law, but specifically a Chinese in-law. Some of these parents applied a LOT of pressure. I know some kids who dated non-Chinese and were subjected to a lot of criticism and unpleasantness from parents and extended family, who tried to tread a very thin line of appeasing both family and SO and then their relationships ended up very strained when the SO felt they were not supported enough against the family. I also know many, especially many who watched the same difficult family situation unfold with friends, who decided it just wasn't worth it.

I'm an ABC, but I've noticed that many American Chinese who immigrated when young, have very similar situations. It's less a problem with families where the parents also immigrate to the US and integrate into American society. But the ones whose parents come to the US and really don't integrate (e.g. don't get jobs working in the US, don't really learn much English and live in very closed ethnic communities or closed ethnic family friend groups) or whose parents don't come to the US and stay back in China or Taiwan, are likely to have even more such difficulties.

So, while it is understandable that many suggest that his problem is his narrow field of choice, in many Chinese families, it is both better for both partners for such children to try and find a partner with at least similar backgrounds. I can say that for some of these families where the child chose someone outside of the family background, that it makes for a very long and difficult marriage. I know several such marriages that did not survive the family tension. And I know a couple that have, but the family friction is a real strain on the marriage.

It doesn't help the person who is feeling alone, but it might explain why he wants to find a preferably Chinese mate, to avoid life-long stress, tension and friction between family and partner.

Lots of people have parents with specific expectations about who we would marry or more generally the lives we would lead that we did not fulfill. If this guy wishes to find a partner and have kids but is single into his 30s because he can't deal with his parents' response if he brings home a woman who isn't Chinese, the primary issue there is not his parents, it's his own passiveness and fear of conflict. If you want this badly enough, you suck it up and deal with it, and you tell your parents to knock it off if they want to see their grandkids.

I'm the PP. If you've seen some of these, it's not passiveness or fear of conflict. It's a knowledge that you can't change those parents. They are rigid and inflexible. So you make choices between an extremely conflict-ridden lifetime relationship where your spouse is not valued, is routinely demeaned, your spouse complains that you aren't supportive enough when you try to find a middle ground, and you don't want to cut your parent completely out of your life. So, you are looking at a lifetime of conflict and strife, a lifetime of battling between the culture you were raised in and your choice for the future. In some of these, to date outside the culture, you are effectively, saying that you are cutting most of the ties with your family and moving forward with your relationship. Is it really that hard to believe that someone would prefer not to have to deal with that? Or put someone they cared about through that? If I had some of these family friends for parents, there is no way I would want to subject a person I cared about, like a partner/spouse, to that type of family interaction. So, trying to limit yourself to partners that don't create a family schism is not necessarily just passiveness or fear of conflict.

[Anonymous]

Absolutely nothing is a bigger turnoff than a guy with a chip on his shoulder or some big insecurity like that. Like a guy who’s mad because he thinks white guys get more dates is just so unattractive based on that. I was friends with a guy who was really truly just such an awesome human being and he liked me a lot. I couldn’t give him a chance because he would boast about certain things about himself that were such a clear insecurity in him. Asian guys who think they don’t get dates because they are Asian are like a self fulfilling prophecy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those who wonder why this guy is picky about wanting an Asian mate, let me add some thoughts.

I'm a Chinese American guy in my 50's. My parents came to the US in the 1950's for graduate school, met, married and had their family. So, I am in many respects a typical ABC (American Born Chinese). My parents were pretty forward thinking, they were open to us kids marrying whoever we wanted and were pretty accepting. That said, I grew up with many family friends whose parents were less open and wanted not only an Asian in-law, but specifically a Chinese in-law. Some of these parents applied a LOT of pressure. I know some kids who dated non-Chinese and were subjected to a lot of criticism and unpleasantness from parents and extended family, who tried to tread a very thin line of appeasing both family and SO and then their relationships ended up very strained when the SO felt they were not supported enough against the family. I also know many, especially many who watched the same difficult family situation unfold with friends, who decided it just wasn't worth it.

I'm an ABC, but I've noticed that many American Chinese who immigrated when young, have very similar situations. It's less a problem with families where the parents also immigrate to the US and integrate into American society. But the ones whose parents come to the US and really don't integrate (e.g. don't get jobs working in the US, don't really learn much English and live in very closed ethnic communities or closed ethnic family friend groups) or whose parents don't come to the US and stay back in China or Taiwan, are likely to have even more such difficulties.

So, while it is understandable that many suggest that his problem is his narrow field of choice, in many Chinese families, it is both better for both partners for such children to try and find a partner with at least similar backgrounds. I can say that for some of these families where the child chose someone outside of the family background, that it makes for a very long and difficult marriage. I know several such marriages that did not survive the family tension. And I know a couple that have, but the family friction is a real strain on the marriage.

It doesn't help the person who is feeling alone, but it might explain why he wants to find a preferably Chinese mate, to avoid life-long stress, tension and friction between family and partner.

Lots of people have parents with specific expectations about who we would marry or more generally the lives we would lead that we did not fulfill. If this guy wishes to find a partner and have kids but is single into his 30s because he can't deal with his parents' response if he brings home a woman who isn't Chinese, the primary issue there is not his parents, it's his own passiveness and fear of conflict. If you want this badly enough, you suck it up and deal with it, and you tell your parents to knock it off if they want to see their grandkids.

I'm the PP. If you've seen some of these, it's not passiveness or fear of conflict. It's a knowledge that you can't change those parents. They are rigid and inflexible. So you make choices between an extremely conflict-ridden lifetime relationship where your spouse is not valued, is routinely demeaned, your spouse complains that you aren't supportive enough when you try to find a middle ground, and you don't want to cut your parent completely out of your life. So, you are looking at a lifetime of conflict and strife, a lifetime of battling between the culture you were raised in and your choice for the future. In some of these, to date outside the culture, you are effectively, saying that you are cutting most of the ties with your family and moving forward with your relationship. Is it really that hard to believe that someone would prefer not to have to deal with that? Or put someone they cared about through that? If I had some of these family friends for parents, there is no way I would want to subject a person I cared about, like a partner/spouse, to that type of family interaction. So, trying to limit yourself to partners that don't create a family schism is not necessarily just passiveness or fear of conflict.

This is the story of all kinds of religious and/or immigrant groups throughout time. Also, up until pretty recently, it's what lots of gay people went through, too. You can choose to be a grown-up and set some boundaries with your difficult parents, just like the rest of us. Probably they'll get better and if they don't, yes, you will cut them out. Marrying someone of the correct ethnicity doesn't fix this either, because the core issue here isn't marrying outside of your ethnic group, it's their selfishness and sense of entitlement around your life. I have gone through periods where I absolutely did not talk to a parent because of their actions. You have to be prepared to do that in this kind of situation because that is the leverage that you have in this relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've seen a lot of the posts on here implying that men have the upper hand in dating, esp going into their 30s.

So, what to make of my guy friend who's never had a serious girlfriend? He is an Ivy grad, solid corporate career, reasonably good-looking. Dry sense of humor, supersmart, into culture, good talker and listener. Downsides? He is a bit pessimistic, and has some confidence issues, but nothing major. He is definitely a nerd, not athletic (but not overweight at all). No issues with abuse, prior baggage, family issues, cheating, alcohol, etc. He wants to marry and have kids.

He has tried to date mostly online (in NYC where he lives), and it has not worked out well. He says it's because he's Asian and looking for Asian girls, and they all want to date white guys. He is a bit picky with looks, but it boggles my mind when I read about how hard it is to find a good man (especially in your 30s), and here is this awesome guy striking out repeatedly. Makes me wonder if women are complaining about the shortage of guys while overlooking perfectly good mates because they're not hot or flashy enough...

Or maybe both men and women overlook good potential mates while chasing some idea of a perfect unicorn relationship and then end up alone.

this the problem

[Anonymous]

This is the story of all kinds of religious and/or immigrant groups throughout time. Also, up until pretty recently, it's what lots of gay people went through, too. You can choose to be a grown-up and set some boundaries with your difficult parents, just like the rest of us. Probably they'll get better and if they don't, yes, you will cut them out. Marrying someone of the correct ethnicity doesn't fix this either, because the core issue here isn't marrying outside of your ethnic group, it's their selfishness and sense of entitlement around your life. I have gone through periods where I absolutely did not talk to a parent because of their actions. You have to be prepared to do that in this kind of situation because that is the leverage that you have in this relationship.

+1. Alternatively, you can not date. Honestly, this dude's standards sound so high that I'm not at all shocked that he's single. It's 2021. Most women do not want to spend their time chasing their IL's approval. That includes most Asian women.

[Anonymous]

I think regardless of race, never having had a relationship in your 30s is often a red flag.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've seen a lot of the posts on here implying that men have the upper hand in dating, esp going into their 30s.

So, what to make of my guy friend who's never had a serious girlfriend? He is an Ivy grad, solid corporate career, reasonably good-looking. Dry sense of humor, supersmart, into culture, good talker and listener. Downsides? He is a bit pessimistic, and has some confidence issues, but nothing major. He is definitely a nerd, not athletic (but not overweight at all). No issues with abuse, prior baggage, family issues, cheating, alcohol, etc. He wants to marry and have kids.

He has tried to date mostly online (in NYC where he lives), and it has not worked out well. He says it's because he's Asian and looking for Asian girls, and they all want to date white guys. He is a bit picky with looks, but it boggles my mind when I read about how hard it is to find a good man (especially in your 30s), and here is this awesome guy striking out repeatedly. Makes me wonder if women are complaining about the shortage of guys while overlooking perfectly good mates because they're not hot or flashy enough...

Or maybe both men and women overlook good potential mates while chasing some idea of a perfect unicorn relationship and then end up alone.

yeah, he's giving off the vibe that women pick up. plus, he is likely trying to date out of his league. by the way, he doesn't seem to be all that awesome from this short description.