Single Guy Friend (33) Can't Find a Girlfriend

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've seen a lot of the posts on here implying that men have the upper hand in dating, esp going into their 30s.

So, what to make of my guy friend who's never had a serious girlfriend? He is an Ivy grad, solid corporate career, reasonably good-looking. Dry sense of humor, supersmart, into culture, good talker and listener. Downsides? He is a bit pessimistic, and has some confidence issues, but nothing major. He is definitely a nerd, not athletic (but not overweight at all). No issues with abuse, prior baggage, family issues, cheating, alcohol, etc. He wants to marry and have kids.

He has tried to date mostly online (in NYC where he lives), and it has not worked out well. He says it's because he's Asian and looking for Asian girls, and they all want to date white guys. He is a bit picky with looks, but it boggles my mind when I read about how hard it is to find a good man (especially in your 30s), and here is this awesome guy striking out repeatedly. Makes me wonder if women are complaining about the shortage of guys while overlooking perfectly good mates because they're not hot or flashy enough...

Or maybe both men and women overlook good potential mates while chasing some idea of a perfect unicorn relationship and then end up alone.

Sorry but unless you are in a romantic relationship you have no idea if he is a "great" guy. Why are you blaming women for not dating him? Perhaps he isnt as great as you think. Ps neither are you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've seen a lot of the posts on here implying that men have the upper hand in dating, esp going into their 30s.

So, what to make of my guy friend who's never had a serious girlfriend? He is an Ivy grad, solid corporate career, reasonably good-looking. Dry sense of humor, supersmart, into culture, good talker and listener. Downsides? He is a bit pessimistic, and has some confidence issues, but nothing major. He is definitely a nerd, not athletic (but not overweight at all). No issues with abuse, prior baggage, family issues, cheating, alcohol, etc. He wants to marry and have kids.

He has tried to date mostly online (in NYC where he lives), and it has not worked out well. He says it's because he's Asian and looking for Asian girls, and they all want to date white guys. He is a bit picky with looks, but it boggles my mind when I read about how hard it is to find a good man (especially in your 30s), and here is this awesome guy striking out repeatedly. Makes me wonder if women are complaining about the shortage of guys while overlooking perfectly good mates because they're not hot or flashy enough...

Or maybe both men and women overlook good potential mates while chasing some idea of a perfect unicorn relationship and then end up alone.

You mean exactly like your friend is doing?

+1. Pot, meet kettle.

+1 one of the many things about incel men that I find idiotic is that there are plenty of women they could have sex with, but they are not the ones those incels *want* to have sex with.

It's not that he can't find a GF. It's that the women he wants as GFs don't want him as a BF. That's not the same thing.

I was single for a really long time. It's not that there weren't guys who didn't want to date me. It's that I didn't want to date the men who did want to date me, and the men that I wanted to date were unavailable or didn't want to date me. If I just wanted to date, I could do that with no problem. But I was picky.

BTW, I'm Asian American, and my DH is white. There was no way I was going to marry an Asian American who had latent misogynistic tendencies. I have many Asian American male friends from my childhood, and most were born here. Even so, they were raised by parents with old fashioned ideas of gender roles; my parents are the same way. That does rub off on the born in the USA Asian men. No thank you.

[Anonymous]

picky, pessimistic, confidence problems, and dry sense of humor. Not good.
If short and balding, really not good.

[Anonymous]

He’s limiting himself he wants only gorgeous Asian models just saying picky about looks tells me enough. He’s self sabotaging looking for the best looking Asian mate. Everything else is fine his heigh his background his ability to converse. It’s the picky about looks that’s the problem, he’s veiling the reality of that to you. There’s plenty of beautiful Asian women but stunning drop dead gorgeous model type Asian women go for millionaires.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've seen a lot of the posts on here implying that men have the upper hand in dating, esp going into their 30s.

So, what to make of my guy friend who's never had a serious girlfriend? He is an Ivy grad, solid corporate career, reasonably good-looking. Dry sense of humor, supersmart, into culture, good talker and listener. Downsides? He is a bit pessimistic, and has some confidence issues, but nothing major. He is definitely a nerd, not athletic (but not overweight at all). No issues with abuse, prior baggage, family issues, cheating, alcohol, etc. He wants to marry and have kids.

He has tried to date mostly online (in NYC where he lives), and it has not worked out well. He says it's because he's Asian and looking for Asian girls, and they all want to date white guys. He is a bit picky with looks, but it boggles my mind when I read about how hard it is to find a good man (especially in your 30s), and here is this awesome guy striking out repeatedly. Makes me wonder if women are complaining about the shortage of guys while overlooking perfectly good mates because they're not hot or flashy enough...

Or maybe both men and women overlook good potential mates while chasing some idea of a perfect unicorn relationship and then end up alone.

You mean exactly like your friend is doing?

+1. Pot, meet kettle.

+1 one of the many things about incel men that I find idiotic is that there are plenty of women they could have sex with, but they are not the ones those incels *want* to have sex with.

It's not that he can't find a GF. It's that the women he wants as GFs don't want him as a BF. That's not the same thing.

I was single for a really long time. It's not that there weren't guys who didn't want to date me. It's that I didn't want to date the men who did want to date me, and the men that I wanted to date were unavailable or didn't want to date me. If I just wanted to date, I could do that with no problem. But I was picky.

BTW, I'm Asian American, and my DH is white. There was no way I was going to marry an Asian American who had latent misogynistic tendencies. I have many Asian American male friends from my childhood, and most were born here. Even so, they were raised by parents with old fashioned ideas of gender roles; my parents are the same way. That does rub off on the born in the USA Asian men. No thank you.

examples please?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah as a white woman married to a Korean guy, an Asian man being “picky about looks” is bad news. The baseline standards for appearance are already so high! I’m exhausted sometimes keeping up with the diet/exercise/hair/clothing routine just to look acceptable to my in laws. Your friend needs to lower his expectations from “looks like a k-drama star” to “in good shape and well put together” if he’s serious about finding a girlfriend and not actually a closet case.

I'm sorry what did I read??? This is some BS

Normal, most often it's the asian women's mother paroling down her 2 weeks postpartum visit by telling her to lose the belly fat. if she marries asian, the in laws will also have some comments by 2 month.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He’s limiting himself he wants only gorgeous Asian models just saying picky about looks tells me enough. He’s self sabotaging looking for the best looking Asian mate. Everything else is fine his heigh his background his ability to converse. It’s the picky about looks that’s the problem, he’s veiling the reality of that to you. There’s plenty of beautiful Asian women but stunning drop dead gorgeous model type Asian women go for millionaires.

Or they go for an average looking slightly overweight white guy who is funny. lol. because the high bar of achieving oriented life is dropped around those men, and they feel more relaxed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah as a white woman married to a Korean guy, an Asian man being “picky about looks” is bad news. The baseline standards for appearance are already so high! I’m exhausted sometimes keeping up with the diet/exercise/hair/clothing routine just to look acceptable to my in laws. Your friend needs to lower his expectations from “looks like a k-drama star” to “in good shape and well put together” if he’s serious about finding a girlfriend and not actually a closet case.

I'm sorry what did I read??? This is some BS

Normal, most often it's the asian women's mother paroling down her 2 weeks postpartum visit by telling her to lose the belly fat. if she marries asian, the in laws will also have some comments by 2 month.

+1

https://www.theguardian.com/world/2021/jan/11/dont-look-dishevelled-anger-over-seoul-citys-advice-to-pregnant-women

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've seen a lot of the posts on here implying that men have the upper hand in dating, esp going into their 30s.

So, what to make of my guy friend who's never had a serious girlfriend? He is an Ivy grad, solid corporate career, reasonably good-looking. Dry sense of humor, supersmart, into culture, good talker and listener. Downsides? He is a bit pessimistic, and has some confidence issues, but nothing major. He is definitely a nerd, not athletic (but not overweight at all). No issues with abuse, prior baggage, family issues, cheating, alcohol, etc. He wants to marry and have kids.

He has tried to date mostly online (in NYC where he lives), and it has not worked out well. He says it's because he's Asian and looking for Asian girls, and they all want to date white guys. He is a bit picky with looks, but it boggles my mind when I read about how hard it is to find a good man (especially in your 30s), and here is this awesome guy striking out repeatedly. Makes me wonder if women are complaining about the shortage of guys while overlooking perfectly good mates because they're not hot or flashy enough...

Or maybe both men and women overlook good potential mates while chasing some idea of a perfect unicorn relationship and then end up alone.

You mean exactly like your friend is doing?

+1. Pot, meet kettle.

+1 one of the many things about incel men that I find idiotic is that there are plenty of women they could have sex with, but they are not the ones those incels *want* to have sex with.

It's not that he can't find a GF. It's that the women he wants as GFs don't want him as a BF. That's not the same thing.

I was single for a really long time. It's not that there weren't guys who didn't want to date me. It's that I didn't want to date the men who did want to date me, and the men that I wanted to date were unavailable or didn't want to date me. If I just wanted to date, I could do that with no problem. But I was picky.

BTW, I'm Asian American, and my DH is white. There was no way I was going to marry an Asian American who had latent misogynistic tendencies. I have many Asian American male friends from my childhood, and most were born here. Even so, they were raised by parents with old fashioned ideas of gender roles; my parents are the same way. That does rub off on the born in the USA Asian men. No thank you.

examples please?

? You need examples of traditional gender roles that are expected by Asian American MILs and their sons?

The examples are the same pretty much globally.

[Anonymous]

He wants someone attractive but he’s not athletic and presumably doesn’t work out.

This is just a lifestyle mismatch. He’s not going to have anything in common with women who go to the gym daily and invest in their hair/makeup.

If he wants women who invest that much into their appearance, he needs to do the same.

[Anonymous]

For those who wonder why this guy is picky about wanting an Asian mate, let me add some thoughts.

I'm a Chinese American guy in my 50's. My parents came to the US in the 1950's for graduate school, met, married and had their family. So, I am in many respects a typical ABC (American Born Chinese). My parents were pretty forward thinking, they were open to us kids marrying whoever we wanted and were pretty accepting. That said, I grew up with many family friends whose parents were less open and wanted not only an Asian in-law, but specifically a Chinese in-law. Some of these parents applied a LOT of pressure. I know some kids who dated non-Chinese and were subjected to a lot of criticism and unpleasantness from parents and extended family, who tried to tread a very thin line of appeasing both family and SO and then their relationships ended up very strained when the SO felt they were not supported enough against the family. I also know many, especially many who watched the same difficult family situation unfold with friends, who decided it just wasn't worth it.

I'm an ABC, but I've noticed that many American Chinese who immigrated when young, have very similar situations. It's less a problem with families where the parents also immigrate to the US and integrate into American society. But the ones whose parents come to the US and really don't integrate (e.g. don't get jobs working in the US, don't really learn much English and live in very closed ethnic communities or closed ethnic family friend groups) or whose parents don't come to the US and stay back in China or Taiwan, are likely to have even more such difficulties.

So, while it is understandable that many suggest that his problem is his narrow field of choice, in many Chinese families, it is both better for both partners for such children to try and find a partner with at least similar backgrounds. I can say that for some of these families where the child chose someone outside of the family background, that it makes for a very long and difficult marriage. I know several such marriages that did not survive the family tension. And I know a couple that have, but the family friction is a real strain on the marriage.

It doesn't help the person who is feeling alone, but it might explain why he wants to find a preferably Chinese mate, to avoid life-long stress, tension and friction between family and partner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For those who wonder why this guy is picky about wanting an Asian mate, let me add some thoughts.

I'm a Chinese American guy in my 50's. My parents came to the US in the 1950's for graduate school, met, married and had their family. So, I am in many respects a typical ABC (American Born Chinese). My parents were pretty forward thinking, they were open to us kids marrying whoever we wanted and were pretty accepting. That said, I grew up with many family friends whose parents were less open and wanted not only an Asian in-law, but specifically a Chinese in-law. Some of these parents applied a LOT of pressure. I know some kids who dated non-Chinese and were subjected to a lot of criticism and unpleasantness from parents and extended family, who tried to tread a very thin line of appeasing both family and SO and then their relationships ended up very strained when the SO felt they were not supported enough against the family. I also know many, especially many who watched the same difficult family situation unfold with friends, who decided it just wasn't worth it.

I'm an ABC, but I've noticed that many American Chinese who immigrated when young, have very similar situations. It's less a problem with families where the parents also immigrate to the US and integrate into American society. But the ones whose parents come to the US and really don't integrate (e.g. don't get jobs working in the US, don't really learn much English and live in very closed ethnic communities or closed ethnic family friend groups) or whose parents don't come to the US and stay back in China or Taiwan, are likely to have even more such difficulties.

So, while it is understandable that many suggest that his problem is his narrow field of choice, in many Chinese families, it is both better for both partners for such children to try and find a partner with at least similar backgrounds. I can say that for some of these families where the child chose someone outside of the family background, that it makes for a very long and difficult marriage. I know several such marriages that did not survive the family tension. And I know a couple that have, but the family friction is a real strain on the marriage.

It doesn't help the person who is feeling alone, but it might explain why he wants to find a preferably Chinese mate, to avoid life-long stress, tension and friction between family and partner.

"Hey mom and dad, this is who I'm marrying. I know you wanted someone Chinese, but this is who I love and who makes me happy. I hope that you would value my happiness first and foremost, but if this is going to be a problem for you, make no mistake - my spouse comes first and I will cut you off". Then follow through. Boom.

I know, I know, culture and whatnot, but the problem isn't the ethnicity. The problem is having a spouse who puts their parents above their partner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For those who wonder why this guy is picky about wanting an Asian mate, let me add some thoughts.

I'm a Chinese American guy in my 50's. My parents came to the US in the 1950's for graduate school, met, married and had their family. So, I am in many respects a typical ABC (American Born Chinese). My parents were pretty forward thinking, they were open to us kids marrying whoever we wanted and were pretty accepting. That said, I grew up with many family friends whose parents were less open and wanted not only an Asian in-law, but specifically a Chinese in-law. Some of these parents applied a LOT of pressure. I know some kids who dated non-Chinese and were subjected to a lot of criticism and unpleasantness from parents and extended family, who tried to tread a very thin line of appeasing both family and SO and then their relationships ended up very strained when the SO felt they were not supported enough against the family. I also know many, especially many who watched the same difficult family situation unfold with friends, who decided it just wasn't worth it.

I'm an ABC, but I've noticed that many American Chinese who immigrated when young, have very similar situations. It's less a problem with families where the parents also immigrate to the US and integrate into American society. But the ones whose parents come to the US and really don't integrate (e.g. don't get jobs working in the US, don't really learn much English and live in very closed ethnic communities or closed ethnic family friend groups) or whose parents don't come to the US and stay back in China or Taiwan, are likely to have even more such difficulties.

So, while it is understandable that many suggest that his problem is his narrow field of choice, in many Chinese families, it is both better for both partners for such children to try and find a partner with at least similar backgrounds. I can say that for some of these families where the child chose someone outside of the family background, that it makes for a very long and difficult marriage. I know several such marriages that did not survive the family tension. And I know a couple that have, but the family friction is a real strain on the marriage.

It doesn't help the person who is feeling alone, but it might explain why he wants to find a preferably Chinese mate, to avoid life-long stress, tension and friction between family and partner.

I am a white woman who has had many Asian American friends over my lifetime.

This right here is why I don’t date Asian American men. Not worth the bother of the family dynamics. Even if they are ok with their kid dating or marrying someone white, I find Asian cultures often have very demanding family expectations, especially of women.

Now if I met one at a party or something in real life and liked him, I’d consider it. But online to make things more efficient I screen them out when I search.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:picky, pessimistic, confidence problems, and dry sense of humor. Not good.
If short and balding, really not good.

Do you think a dry sense of humor in isolation is not good? Or is it bad when coupled with the other characteristics that in isolation are not good.

If the person is more optimistic and is fairly self-assured, I would think the dry sense of humor signals a level of intelligence that might be attractive. But I'm a guy and long out of the dating world, so I may be clueless.

[Anonymous]

Picky about looks is a red flag.

I'm not asian, but most asian women look gorgeous to me (compared to my fellow white women.)

It sounds like he is just average, so would need to be less picky about appearance. Why bother with a picky guy, when half of white American males think you are a model?