If you grew up with an angry parent...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It was terrible, and I still have a hard time not believing that I’m responsible for others’ behavior. Plus I think I have kind of perpetuated the cycle. DH says he feels like there is a lot he can’t say because he doesn’t know how I will react to it; he feels like he has to walk on eggshells around me.

But I have worked a lot on my anxiety and I am on meds, so I think it’s getting better. We have a good relationship and I’m a decent parent because he is patient with me and I have committed to be calm around my kids. I don’t yell but I do get irritated, and they feel like they are responsible for my irritation. I have tried to explain that they aren’t and have pointed out that my reactions depend on my mood, not their behavior, so hopefully that will sink in.

But I still feel like I have a better relationship with DH and my kids than a lot of posters here. I never yell and I cultivate emotional closeness with my family. I work hard on it, maybe in part because I know how awful it was living with my mom who yelled and just seemed too caught up in her own emotions to be there as a good parent.

Also I would consider divorcing your husband, honestly. I know that it’s soooo complicated and I don’t know what the right decision is or what your circumstances are, but his behavior is emotionally abusive to your kids. My parents divorced and the time spent with my dad was a good respite from my mom. And he was careful not to say anything bad about her, so it was easy to still love her despite everything.

But if divorce, the child is then alone with the angry parent and without all the grown-up skills to protect themselves.

Right, which is why I say OP should consider it, not necessarily do it. My parents divorced and I was glad because at least I had some time without my mom, and I never felt unsafe around her. But circumstances are different for everybody.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:But if divorce, the child is then alone with the angry parent and without all the grown-up skills to protect themselves.

I think same question for those that went through, if only 1 parent was angry but not physically, do you have thoughts on parents together v. divorced?

[Anonymous]

I grew up with an angry parent and an enabling parent and the combination of toxic role modeling screwed up my head so badly that I have struggled in relationships my entire adulthood. Very high achieving, professionally accomplished until the toxic perfectionism, workaholism and intimacy issues manifested into serious chronic illness.

If you’re not already familiar with the ACE score, I’d suggest you read up on it and then do as brutally honest an assessment as possible about what your children’s scores might be considering the behavior they’re being exposed to. After decades working with people in toxic home environments and having endured one in my own childhood, I can attest that very few emerge psychologically unscathed. My mother’s failure to protect us is something I resent even more than my father’s emotional abuse, but I’ve seen in my advocacy work that her willingness to turn a blind eye to the damage being done to her children is sadly common. The mother who has the courage to endure whatever hardship arises in order to get her children into a healthy environment is a hero in my book.

Please demand that your husband get help, and family therapy too when safe. Your kids need to know this isn’t their fault.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I grew up with an angry parent and an enabling parent and the combination of toxic role modeling screwed up my head so badly that I have struggled in relationships my entire adulthood. Very high achieving, professionally accomplished until the toxic perfectionism, workaholism and intimacy issues manifested into serious chronic illness.

If you’re not already familiar with the ACE score, I’d suggest you read up on it and then do as brutally honest an assessment as possible about what your children’s scores might be considering the behavior they’re being exposed to. After decades working with people in toxic home environments and having endured one in my own childhood, I can attest that very few emerge psychologically unscathed. My mother’s failure to protect us is something I resent even more than my father’s emotional abuse, but I’ve seen in my advocacy work that her willingness to turn a blind eye to the damage being done to her children is sadly common. The mother who has the courage to endure whatever hardship arises in order to get her children into a healthy environment is a hero in my book.

Please demand that your husband get help, and family therapy too when safe. Your kids need to know this isn’t their fault.

I should add that I’ve never married or had my own children, something which is a huge source of grief in my life. Many of the folks I know in the same boat (unmarried, childless) are there because the horror show of domestic relations in their childhood left them terrified to take the risk. Toxic marriages cripple many children for life, no question about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I recently had a memory of my sister doing something and of me being worried that it would set my dad off. I was 3! I realize that I was able to monitor my dads moods and plan my behavior accordingly while in preschool. As an adult I am hyper vigilant, startle easily. I also have a really hard time identifying my own emotions and struggle with being aware of when I am stressed or even physically in pain. It's almost like growing up monitoring someone else's emotions left me little time to reveal my own. Trust issues in relationships and really bad at handling conflict or standing up for myself.

Me, too, exactly, except it was my mom, not my dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It was terrible, and I still have a hard time not believing that I’m responsible for others’ behavior. Plus I think I have kind of perpetuated the cycle. DH says he feels like there is a lot he can’t say because he doesn’t know how I will react to it; he feels like he has to walk on eggshells around me.

But I have worked a lot on my anxiety and I am on meds, so I think it’s getting better. We have a good relationship and I’m a decent parent because he is patient with me and I have committed to be calm around my kids. I don’t yell but I do get irritated, and they feel like they are responsible for my irritation. I have tried to explain that they aren’t and have pointed out that my reactions depend on my mood, not their behavior, so hopefully that will sink in.

But I still feel like I have a better relationship with DH and my kids than a lot of posters here. I never yell and I cultivate emotional closeness with my family. I work hard on it, maybe in part because I know how awful it was living with my mom who yelled and just seemed too caught up in her own emotions to be there as a good parent.

Also I would consider divorcing your husband, honestly. I know that it’s soooo complicated and I don’t know what the right decision is or what your circumstances are, but his behavior is emotionally abusive to your kids. My parents divorced and the time spent with my dad was a good respite from my mom. And he was careful not to say anything bad about her, so it was easy to still love her despite everything.

But if divorce, the child is then alone with the angry parent and without all the grown-up skills to protect themselves.

How old is the child? Maybe you said it already. At some point, the child can refuse to be alone with the other parent. Also, what you don't seemed to realize is that the other parent treating you badly, is what hurts the child the most. I didn't mind my father treating me badly, but seeing him treat my mother, killed me inside. I also hate my mother letting me see and letting him treat her because that's what was so hurtful about the situation.
I get jumpy not about somebody treating me badly (I can handle it), but seeing somebody treat somebody else badly. and even worse, if there is a child seeing t. I was that child.
There was a couple fighting in doctor's office about somebody texting to somebody else- like physically fighting. They had a child with them and I suddenly started crying because I recognized that I was that child once who had to witness all of this for over 10 years. My mother wouldn't move out and my father wouldn't leave us. I asked them over and over again not to live together, and I wished I was a grownup who can simply walk away.
I'd be mad ta your for staying and putting me into this position. If you leave, the child at least has 50% time she/he doesn't have to see the outbreaks and hopefully close to 100% of time she/he doesn't have to see you being treated like crap which is the worse of the two.

[Anonymous]

My mom had anger issues stemming mostly from a very stressful work/life situation. I remember feeling mostly afraid of her more than any other emotions. Her temper improved after we moved during my early teens and our family's financial circumstances improved. As an adult I thought it was normal to yell at and berate one's spouse when angry. My H quickly disabused me of the notion. Now that I'm a parent, I sometimes find myself defaulting to her yelling mode, which I absolutely hate and want to break the habit of.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I grew up with an angry parent and an enabling parent and the combination of toxic role modeling screwed up my head so badly that I have struggled in relationships my entire adulthood. Very high achieving, professionally accomplished until the toxic perfectionism, workaholism and intimacy issues manifested into serious chronic illness.

If you’re not already familiar with the ACE score, I’d suggest you read up on it and then do as brutally honest an assessment as possible about what your children’s scores might be considering the behavior they’re being exposed to. After decades working with people in toxic home environments and having endured one in my own childhood, I can attest that very few emerge psychologically unscathed. My mother’s failure to protect us is something I resent even more than my father’s emotional abuse, but I’ve seen in my advocacy work that her willingness to turn a blind eye to the damage being done to her children is sadly common. The mother who has the courage to endure whatever hardship arises in order to get her children into a healthy environment is a hero in my book.

Please demand that your husband get help, and family therapy too when safe. Your kids need to know this isn’t their fault.

I should add that I’ve never married or had my own children, something which is a huge source of grief in my life. Many of the folks I know in the same boat (unmarried, childless) are there because the horror show of domestic relations in their childhood left them terrified to take the risk. Toxic marriages cripple many children for life, no question about it.

DP. Your post resonated with me. I'm in my mid-50s and my abuser-father has been dead for 35 years. It took a long time to work through my trust/trigger issues to have a truly intimate relationship - and that's only been with my DH who I married at age 35. I have 1 sibling who has been able to do the same. I have 3 who have not (which is a shame because they are, truly, wonderful people). I'm the only one with kids. It wasn't until I had kids that I understood just what a failure my mother was by not protecting us as she should have. Tons of therapy has not changed my opinion of my mother's culpability.

I am not as hypervigilant as I used to be but am still a superlight sleeper and if my DH comes to bed while I'm asleep, he needs to quietly call my name before he gets to the bedroom so I'm not startled/surprised. The nightmares are not as frequent but when I have them, it's really tough - definitely 'fight or flight'. There are times when behaviors from my DH or my kids will remind me of my childhood and even though I'm in a really good place, it can be tough. I'm good at containing my emotions (that was a life skill I learned really young) but it's like being thrown back down that hole and it takes me a little while to dig out. I've been open about it with DH and the kids so they understand pretty well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But if divorce, the child is then alone with the angry parent and without all the grown-up skills to protect themselves.

I think same question for those that went through, if only 1 parent was angry but not physically, do you have thoughts on parents together v. divorced?

You underestimate the impact of verbal abuse. It's just as damaging as physical abuse. I also think you overestimate one parent's ability to 'protect' a child from the other parent while living in the same household. IME, I wish I had one safe place to live. My only place of safety was school.

[Anonymous]

Can you give an example of a situation that caused an issue.

What was DH's relationship with his parents? Why do you say he had an angry parent?

[Anonymous]

I just never wanted to be around my mom. Anytime I’d say “mom” she’d reply with screaming “what! What do you want!”I felt like anything I said or did would irritate her so I just didn’t interact with her. I was home alone all the time anyways. Left home when I was 18 and barely talked or saw her. Our relationship is better now that I’m 35.

I can understand why she was always angry though, my mom was a single mom with no other help. She worked 2 shifts so she was gone from 9am to sometimes 1 am.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How did it affect you? Spouse is constantly angry. Feels like we (children and I) are walking on eggshells at home and don’t know what will set spouse off. When spouse is upset, spouse will yell and throw stuff (not at us). Spouse was not always like this, it’s related to the pandemic and a stressful job. We have young children and I’m worried about how this is affecting them.

If it's related to job stress and the pandemic, then I think the people suggesting that you consider divorce are going way too far. It is tough, but you should seek to work things out. We have a vaccine that is currently being distributed and will result in a big release of tension for a lot of people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But if divorce, the child is then alone with the angry parent and without all the grown-up skills to protect themselves.

I think same question for those that went through, if only 1 parent was angry but not physically, do you have thoughts on parents together v. divorced?

This was me (my dad was a very angry person, while my mom always tried to defuse the situation and never engage with him) - as adults, my sibling and I encouraged my mom to leave my dad, but she never did (he died a few years ago). In the end, I'm glad my parents stayed together for the duration of my childhood, but as my dad's anger problems got worse, I think it would have been better if my mom had just left. But in our immigrant culture, divorce carried a lot of stigma and that was never going to happen. Even now, a handful of our family friends live apart but won't divorce.

Another thing that I think has been touched on - having an angry parent really puts you at risk for having dysfunctional behaviors yourself as a parent. I now see myself having a short fuse with my kids, and I have to either remove myself from the situation or count to ten and breathe. I also go to therapy regularly. I can see some of the same patterns in my dad repeating in me and I'm determined not to expose my kids to that. So think about that for your kids as well.

[Anonymous]

My father is a very fragile, insecure, explosive person. Hair-trigger temper and a frightening, literally mouth-frothing volatility. A monster.

Growing up with a parent like that is like walking on eggshells or in a minefield. Choose your metaphor. You never knew what would set him off and how explosive the outburst will be or if it was your "turn". I was a very timid, shy child, constantly second-guessing myself even when I knew I was right.

At the same time, I knew how important image was to my parents, so I became an expert at compartmentalizing and bottling things up. I was a high achiever in school and in all activities because I didn't want to give him a reason to pick on me. I was extremely hard on myself. I developed an eating disorder at 14 because I heard the things my dad said about overweight people and knew that if I gained just a little weight, it would give him a reason.

As a young adult, I was a people pleaser. I didn't rock the boat. Confrontation scared me. I shut down in stressful situations. Fortunately, I had the wherewithal to make an appointment with the counseling center almost the moment I stepped on campus in college. It's been a process of healing every since.

So yes, get help for your spouse. Or leave, for your and your kids' sakes. These issues are very difficult to fix, and childhood abuse is the gift that keeps on giving.

[Anonymous]

So something to consider is the tremendous guilt and anxiety it puts on a child if the child feels like he/she has failed the the other sibling or mom. Example: my dad yelled a lot and had a terrible temper, as did my mom, never hitting I don’t believe. My brother bore the brunt of it because I pretty much disengaged and avoided them like the plague. However I was in elementary school when my dad got so angry that my younger brother wouldn’t eat something at dinner that he threw potatoes at the wall nest to my brother. I was so upset that I ran to another room and picked up the phone and literally almost called 911. I couldn’t do it, however, and felt sooooooo guilty about that for year and years. It was horrible. What stopped me was the knowledge that my parents would have yelled and shamed ME for calling 911 on them.