If you grew up with an angry parent...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How did it affect you? Spouse is constantly angry. Feels like we (children and I) are walking on eggshells at home and don’t know what will set spouse off. When spouse is upset, spouse will yell and throw stuff (not at us). Spouse was not always like this, it’s related to the pandemic and a stressful job. We have young children and I’m worried about how this is affecting them.

Is he or any family members on the spectrum? Would he do a neuropsych to direct what type of counseling to best get?

+1

PP here. MIL and DH are definitely on the spectrum. This is a valid point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How did it affect you? Spouse is constantly angry. Feels like we (children and I) are walking on eggshells at home and don’t know what will set spouse off. When spouse is upset, spouse will yell and throw stuff (not at us). Spouse was not always like this, it’s related to the pandemic and a stressful job. We have young children and I’m worried about how this is affecting them.

Is he or any family members on the spectrum? Would he do a neuropsych to direct what type of counseling to best get?

+1

PP here. MIL and DH are definitely on the spectrum. This is a valid point.

Sorry to hear this. So is my DH, his father, brothers, uncles, cousins. Probably our firstborn as well.

They get so overwhelmed with basic life that they shutdown/ignore or get angry, fast as mishaps pile up.
It’s horrible but I stay to protect the kids. Not clear family courts get it about one parent on the spectrum. The mind blindness causes constant and real danger to the kids - backs over one w car, can’t tell what a kid is capable of at a gym or playground, slow reaction time/processing, and doesn’t answer their questions/wants everybody to go away and leave him alone. And this is on top of the emotionless marriage and chronic executive functioning skills deficits and daily snafus.

[Anonymous]

My dad had serious anger problems. My life was part walking on eggshells, part playing "protector" to my mom and younger brother.

I remember his face--bright red, clenched, looking for all the world like he wanted to murder me. I remember being very frightened of him. And also loving him deeply and wishing that I could be good enough for him.

I made some poor choices in my dating life before I met my husband, who is the kindest man I've ever known. I got lucky that I did not repeat the pattern that had been engrained in me growing up in a family like that.

One thing I had to go to therapy for is the tremendous guilt I feel if I express any anger (or irritation even) with my kids. Like... paralyzing, deep guilt. It's because so much of my life strategy was doing everything I could to *not* be like my dad. So it's hard for me to express anger in appropriate ways.

I struggle with hypervigilance and waiting for the other shoe to drop. I also struggle with compartmentalizing and being out of touch with how I feel.

Please make sure your DH gets help. Your kids and you deserve a place where you feel happy and whole. Home should feel safe.

[Anonymous]

Am I to believe that it's abnormal for your parents to yell at you? Occasionally hit you?

[Anonymous]

It’s very hard to say how it’s affected me yet because my only child is only 16 weeks old. I am hyper hyper sensitive never to speak above low-normal volume to her because I have so many memories of yelling. Could I say instead how profoundly relieved I was when my mother started taking meds when I was 30? It was like I was meeting her for the first time and for the first time understanding what she could have been— and probably wanted to be— in my childhood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How did it affect you? Spouse is constantly angry. Feels like we (children and I) are walking on eggshells at home and don’t know what will set spouse off. When spouse is upset, spouse will yell and throw stuff (not at us). Spouse was not always like this, it’s related to the pandemic and a stressful job. We have young children and I’m worried about how this is affecting them.

If it's related to job stress and the pandemic, then I think the people suggesting that you consider divorce are going way too far. It is tough, but you should seek to work things out. We have a vaccine that is currently being distributed and will result in a big release of tension for a lot of people.

Agree, if it is pandemic stress that stress will eventually ease up. Narcissist anger is a different story. One of the problems of leaving a narcissist is that they can flip things around to make you look like the bad parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Am I to believe that it's abnormal for your parents to yell at you? Occasionally hit you?

It wasn't abnormal at all for my father to yell at us or to occasionally hit us. It was actually very normal for him which meant that our behaviors did not provoke his yelling, it was his anger - of course, I understand that in hindsight. At the time, I worked hard at being perfect and anticipating his desires with the hope he wouldn't be angry/yell/hit. He conditioned us to believe we were responsible for his anger and behavior, not him. It's pretty f@cked up growing up with a parent like that.

[Anonymous]

Remember how Kavanaugh acted during the Supreme COurt hearings? That angry red face, the mean look on his face, the way he sneered and yelled and wagged his finger? Now imagine living with someone who is like that all the time. That's what we're talking about -- not a dog who raises his voice once or twice a year when you didn't let the dog out and he crapped on the carpet, but someone who can turn into Kavanaugh at a moment's notice over the most minor of things (the lettuce in the salad is a little damp) Yes, it makes you insane and you think everything is your fault and most of your waking energy revolves around not setting him or her off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Remember how Kavanaugh acted during the Supreme COurt hearings? That angry red face, the mean look on his face, the way he sneered and yelled and wagged his finger? Now imagine living with someone who is like that all the time. That's what we're talking about -- not a dog who raises his voice once or twice a year when you didn't let the dog out and he crapped on the carpet, but someone who can turn into Kavanaugh at a moment's notice over the most minor of things (the lettuce in the salad is a little damp) Yes, it makes you insane and you think everything is your fault and most of your waking energy revolves around not setting him or her off.

100 percent yes. I actually made that same connection to Kavanaugh during the trials—uncanny. Very well said.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I recently had a memory of my sister doing something and of me being worried that it would set my dad off. I was 3! I realize that I was able to monitor my dads moods and plan my behavior accordingly while in preschool. As an adult I am hyper vigilant, startle easily. I also have a really hard time identifying my own emotions and struggle with being aware of when I am stressed or even physically in pain. It's almost like growing up monitoring someone else's emotions left me little time to reveal my own. Trust issues in relationships and really bad at handling conflict or standing up for myself.

+1 I startle easily, PTSD. I am very stressed out by conflict, yelling. Depression, anxiety.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Remember how Kavanaugh acted during the Supreme COurt hearings? That angry red face, the mean look on his face, the way he sneered and yelled and wagged his finger? Now imagine living with someone who is like that all the time. That's what we're talking about -- not a dog who raises his voice once or twice a year when you didn't let the dog out and he crapped on the carpet, but someone who can turn into Kavanaugh at a moment's notice over the most minor of things (the lettuce in the salad is a little damp) Yes, it makes you insane and you think everything is your fault and most of your waking energy revolves around not setting him or her off.

100 percent yes. I actually made that same connection to Kavanaugh during the trials—uncanny. Very well said.

Yes. He triggered me as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Remember how Kavanaugh acted during the Supreme COurt hearings? That angry red face, the mean look on his face, the way he sneered and yelled and wagged his finger? Now imagine living with someone who is like that all the time. That's what we're talking about -- not a dog who raises his voice once or twice a year when you didn't let the dog out and he crapped on the carpet, but someone who can turn into Kavanaugh at a moment's notice over the most minor of things (the lettuce in the salad is a little damp) Yes, it makes you insane and you think everything is your fault and most of your waking energy revolves around not setting him or her off.

100 percent yes. I actually made that same connection to Kavanaugh during the trials—uncanny. Very well said.

Yes. He triggered me as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Remember how Kavanaugh acted during the Supreme COurt hearings? That angry red face, the mean look on his face, the way he sneered and yelled and wagged his finger? Now imagine living with someone who is like that all the time. That's what we're talking about -- not a dog who raises his voice once or twice a year when you didn't let the dog out and he crapped on the carpet, but someone who can turn into Kavanaugh at a moment's notice over the most minor of things (the lettuce in the salad is a little damp) Yes, it makes you insane and you think everything is your fault and most of your waking energy revolves around not setting him or her off.

100 percent yes. I actually made that same connection to Kavanaugh during the trials—uncanny. Very well said.

Yes. He triggered me as well.

Your lack of empathy is disturbing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It was terrible, and I still have a hard time not believing that I’m responsible for others’ behavior. Plus I think I have kind of perpetuated the cycle. DH says he feels like there is a lot he can’t say because he doesn’t know how I will react to it; he feels like he has to walk on eggshells around me.

But I have worked a lot on my anxiety and I am on meds, so I think it’s getting better. We have a good relationship and I’m a decent parent because he is patient with me and I have committed to be calm around my kids. I don’t yell but I do get irritated, and they feel like they are responsible for my irritation. I have tried to explain that they aren’t and have pointed out that my reactions depend on my mood, not their behavior, so hopefully that will sink in.

But I still feel like I have a better relationship with DH and my kids than a lot of posters here. I never yell and I cultivate emotional closeness with my family. I work hard on it, maybe in part because I know how awful it was living with my mom who yelled and just seemed too caught up in her own emotions to be there as a good parent.

Also I would consider divorcing your husband, honestly. I know that it’s soooo complicated and I don’t know what the right decision is or what your circumstances are, but his behavior is emotionally abusive to your kids. My parents divorced and the time spent with my dad was a good respite from my mom. And he was careful not to say anything bad about her, so it was easy to still love her despite everything.

But if divorce, the child is then alone with the angry parent and without all the grown-up skills to protect themselves.

Precisely why I didn’t divorce! I was the ‘angry’ parent and I’m sure I screwed my kids up. What my kids now realize as adults is the amount of emotional abuse I was under from my husband’s family, to the point where the social services agent called in due to my ‘anger issues’ asked me if I needed a safe house. She figured it out without me even having to tell her. They were also granola-crunchers and arrogant to the point where even a simple illness was a battle to treat, so when the couple times more complicated illnesses came up, I had to fight like hell to get them treated. Two out of three surely would have been very physically debilitated or died without my ‘anger’. I was lucky the doctors saw through my husband as well. What ever problems I created for my kids by my fighting for them, they are alive and thriving as adults. If I get rejected for it, so be it. I did my job and protected my kids. Anger had to be a part of that. If I had divorced, he would have been awarded 50% time and if one of the kids got sick, I couldn’t intervene. I would dream about what it would be like to have a cooperative spouse that I didn’t have to escalate with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Remember how Kavanaugh acted during the Supreme COurt hearings? That angry red face, the mean look on his face, the way he sneered and yelled and wagged his finger? Now imagine living with someone who is like that all the time. That's what we're talking about -- not a dog who raises his voice once or twice a year when you didn't let the dog out and he crapped on the carpet, but someone who can turn into Kavanaugh at a moment's notice over the most minor of things (the lettuce in the salad is a little damp) Yes, it makes you insane and you think everything is your fault and most of your waking energy revolves around not setting him or her off.

I saw a man who was defending his wife and kids. Apparently YMMV