If you grew up with an angry parent...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My father is a very fragile, insecure, explosive person. Hair-trigger temper and a frightening, literally mouth-frothing volatility. A monster.

Growing up with a parent like that is like walking on eggshells or in a minefield. Choose your metaphor. You never knew what would set him off and how explosive the outburst will be or if it was your "turn". I was a very timid, shy child, constantly second-guessing myself even when I knew I was right.

At the same time, I knew how important image was to my parents, so I became an expert at compartmentalizing and bottling things up. I was a high achiever in school and in all activities because I didn't want to give him a reason to pick on me. I was extremely hard on myself. I developed an eating disorder at 14 because I heard the things my dad said about overweight people and knew that if I gained just a little weight, it would give him a reason.

As a young adult, I was a people pleaser. I didn't rock the boat. Confrontation scared me. I shut down in stressful situations. Fortunately, I had the wherewithal to make an appointment with the counseling center almost the moment I stepped on campus in college. It's been a process of healing every since.

So yes, get help for your spouse. Or leave, for your and your kids' sakes. These issues are very difficult to fix, and childhood abuse is the gift that keeps on giving.

Omg hi are you me (the poster of the potato incident)? I had a lot of issues about self worth and depression in my teens and 20s. Verging on eating disorder. Mostly depression an anxiety. Horrible people pleaser (still am somewhat).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But if divorce, the child is then alone with the angry parent and without all the grown-up skills to protect themselves.

I think same question for those that went through, if only 1 parent was angry but not physically, do you have thoughts on parents together v. divorced?

Yes, I posted on this earlier in the thread. The divorce was good for us since the non-angry parent had primary custody and we only had to see the angry parent in a very limited capacity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How did it affect you? Spouse is constantly angry. Feels like we (children and I) are walking on eggshells at home and don’t know what will set spouse off. When spouse is upset, spouse will yell and throw stuff (not at us). Spouse was not always like this, it’s related to the pandemic and a stressful job. We have young children and I’m worried about how this is affecting them.

Please read Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. On your iPhone kindle app. Right now.

[Anonymous]

It definitely affected me. I do not know how to get my point across most of the time without getting angry or becoming emotional. It’s hard for me to express myself in general actually. I have battled depression and anxiety most of my life. I have terrible resentment towards my mom while also feeling completely responsible for her. Even today, I can’t talk to her at all. One quick example, I told her not to leave the porch light on (she smokes) when she goes to bed. She got immediately defensive and loud and said “SHE NEVER EVEN TURNS IT ON!!!” mind you my son and I don’t go out there because we have no reason to. She said “I’m not crazy.” I guess that means I am for finding the light on every night. I just shit her up by saying she is right because if I don’t it becomes a huge fight every time. I can’t send her back home because she would be destitute. I am twice divorced because I have no communication skills. I fake it well enough at work but it rears its ugly head there too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I recently had a memory of my sister doing something and of me being worried that it would set my dad off. I was 3! I realize that I was able to monitor my dads moods and plan my behavior accordingly while in preschool. As an adult I am hyper vigilant, startle easily. I also have a really hard time identifying my own emotions and struggle with being aware of when I am stressed or even physically in pain. It's almost like growing up monitoring someone else's emotions left me little time to reveal my own. Trust issues in relationships and really bad at handling conflict or standing up for myself.

This pretty much describes me, so +1.

[Anonymous]

Some of you probably had truly terrible parents. Some of you also need some resilance… there are things kids can do even very young kids that are downright dangerous to themselves and/or others and they need to be dealt with in a manner that conveys to the person doing them that they are to never do that again.

Again, some of your parents probably misfired, some of you only remember your parents anger and maybe fear, and some of you need to not crumble so easily.



As for op, dial down the dramatics. If your spouse was a nice person before the pandemic, this is in most cases fixable.

First, make sure you are treating your spouse well, i.e. make sure you aren’t showing all your kindness and concern to the nanny, the Starbucks lady, the Amazon driver the schoolteacher, your spouse needs to be the main person you are kind to.

Second, where is your spouse working? If it’s at home, know that many bosses don’t treat people well who work from home. The attitude is “all you have to do is log in” so things like good sleep, healthy schedules, healthy boundaries go out the window.

When my husband worked from home, he’d get phone calls at all hours and felt like his day was never over, there was no mental space to say “everybody go home, see you when you’re fresh”.

Also, make sure your spouse isn’t experiencing a reaction to something at work that is upsetting him or her. Looking at viruses under a microscope can be great… until someone you loves gets the virus. Firefighters and police go through this, and I think other people do too, it just isn’t talked about.


Finally, make sure your pandemic plans aren’t abusive. It doesn’t matter what you do or don’t do, it does matter that you are on the same page. Be willing to give in ways you may not have thought about.

For example, I remember being in tears because we didn’t have an ingredient I wanted for cooking. My husband told me he’d get it on the way home, but I needed it to put in the food before baking it and he wouldn’t be home in time for that to happen. I had kids doing online school and couldn’t leave them home or bring them to the store with me. I ordered the ingredient from Wegmans and had it delivered along with some other things that we didn’t need, but that we’d use and because I had to get to the minimum delivery amount.

It took awhile for my husband to understand that on that day, that ingredient mattered to me, as in it really mattered. He’s been going to work in an office during the pandemic and at time doesn’t have a good perspective as to what’s going on at the house. I didn’t want to think of something else to cook, and I couldn’t cook what I had been wanting to cook without the ingredient. I remember telling him “it’s 2020, I don’t have to wait to get this done, not living where we live, in 1980 maybe I would have, but it isn’t 1980”.

Make sure your expectations and responses are appropriate to the time, the place and your spouse. What may have been fine for your mom or grandma isn’t fine for your spouse. What you think may have been fine for your mom or grandma may not have been fine at all. I remember my mom saying “your father forgot the f**cking milk” many times when I was growing up. Usually she was right, he had forgotten the f**cking milk, and the milk mattered to her.
Lastly, know that you can divorce your spouse, the beauty of being an adult is that the only relationships you have to be in are the ones you want to be in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some of you probably had truly terrible parents. Some of you also need some resilance… there are things kids can do even very young kids that are downright dangerous to themselves and/or others and they need to be dealt with in a manner that conveys to the person doing them that they are to never do that again.

Again, some of your parents probably misfired, some of you only remember your parents anger and maybe fear, and some of you need to not crumble so easily.



As for op, dial down the dramatics. If your spouse was a nice person before the pandemic, this is in most cases fixable.

First, make sure you are treating your spouse well, i.e. make sure you aren’t showing all your kindness and concern to the nanny, the Starbucks lady, the Amazon driver the schoolteacher, your spouse needs to be the main person you are kind to.

Second, where is your spouse working? If it’s at home, know that many bosses don’t treat people well who work from home. The attitude is “all you have to do is log in” so things like good sleep, healthy schedules, healthy boundaries go out the window.

When my husband worked from home, he’d get phone calls at all hours and felt like his day was never over, there was no mental space to say “everybody go home, see you when you’re fresh”.

Also, make sure your spouse isn’t experiencing a reaction to something at work that is upsetting him or her. Looking at viruses under a microscope can be great… until someone you loves gets the virus. Firefighters and police go through this, and I think other people do too, it just isn’t talked about.


Finally, make sure your pandemic plans aren’t abusive. It doesn’t matter what you do or don’t do, it does matter that you are on the same page. Be willing to give in ways you may not have thought about.

For example, I remember being in tears because we didn’t have an ingredient I wanted for cooking. My husband told me he’d get it on the way home, but I needed it to put in the food before baking it and he wouldn’t be home in time for that to happen. I had kids doing online school and couldn’t leave them home or bring them to the store with me. I ordered the ingredient from Wegmans and had it delivered along with some other things that we didn’t need, but that we’d use and because I had to get to the minimum delivery amount.

It took awhile for my husband to understand that on that day, that ingredient mattered to me, as in it really mattered. He’s been going to work in an office during the pandemic and at time doesn’t have a good perspective as to what’s going on at the house. I didn’t want to think of something else to cook, and I couldn’t cook what I had been wanting to cook without the ingredient. I remember telling him “it’s 2020, I don’t have to wait to get this done, not living where we live, in 1980 maybe I would have, but it isn’t 1980”.

Make sure your expectations and responses are appropriate to the time, the place and your spouse. What may have been fine for your mom or grandma isn’t fine for your spouse. What you think may have been fine for your mom or grandma may not have been fine at all. I remember my mom saying “your father forgot the f**cking milk” many times when I was growing up. Usually she was right, he had forgotten the f**cking milk, and the milk mattered to her.
Lastly, know that you can divorce your spouse, the beauty of being an adult is that the only relationships you have to be in are the ones you want to be in.

-1billion

Um, no. As an adult I know not to throw things when I get mad. As an adult I am aware that it is not my spouse’s fault I am angry - if I need more affection, I tell them. If something they do upsets me, I tell them. Explosive anger is abuse and is not up to the spouse to fix. I hope you’re a troll bc if not, you lead a sad life.

[Anonymous]

When I was 10, I walked home from school with my 8-year-old brother every day - my mom would get home a couple of hours later. Every day I would vacuum the entire apartment right before she'd arrive, and make my little brother stay on the sofa so as not to mess up the 'vacuum pattern' in the carpet, hoping it would make her be less angry when she got home (she hated her job and would come home and rant at us about all the housework she had to do). I still have a weird habit of straightening up perfectly right before my husband (who does not have an angry bone in his body) gets home. I am hyper-perfectionist and watchful of everything around me, and have been all my life. It's been awful.

[Anonymous]

17:42 here. To add - I've been on meds for depression and anxiety since college, I decided not to have children in part because I did not se that it brought my mom any joy, just stress and misery, and I barely have contact with my parents (again, since college). I'm in a stable and happy life now (that I worked very hard and carefully to build), but also know I'll always carry some trauma from childhood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It was terrible, and I still have a hard time not believing that I’m responsible for others’ behavior. Plus I think I have kind of perpetuated the cycle. DH says he feels like there is a lot he can’t say because he doesn’t know how I will react to it; he feels like he has to walk on eggshells around me.

But I have worked a lot on my anxiety and I am on meds, so I think it’s getting better. We have a good relationship and I’m a decent parent because he is patient with me and I have committed to be calm around my kids. I don’t yell but I do get irritated, and they feel like they are responsible for my irritation. I have tried to explain that they aren’t and have pointed out that my reactions depend on my mood, not their behavior, so hopefully that will sink in.

But I still feel like I have a better relationship with DH and my kids than a lot of posters here. I never yell and I cultivate emotional closeness with my family. I work hard on it, maybe in part because I know how awful it was living with my mom who yelled and just seemed too caught up in her own emotions to be there as a good parent.

Also I would consider divorcing your husband, honestly. I know that it’s soooo complicated and I don’t know what the right decision is or what your circumstances are, but his behavior is emotionally abusive to your kids. My parents divorced and the time spent with my dad was a good respite from my mom. And he was careful not to say anything bad about her, so it was easy to still love her despite everything.

But if divorce, the child is then alone with the angry parent and without all the grown-up skills to protect themselves.

It’s much better to walk on eggshells 50% of the time than 100% of the time. In my experience, there’s very little the other parent can do to protect the child and their presence further normalizes the abuse. Your kid is stressed all day, everyday with no safe place to go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some of you probably had truly terrible parents. Some of you also need some resilance… there are things kids can do even very young kids that are downright dangerous to themselves and/or others and they need to be dealt with in a manner that conveys to the person doing them that they are to never do that again.

No, this is not what we are talking about. “Walking on eggshells” as a way of life is a method of coping with a parent who is explosive, unpredictable, and scary. Not a parent who punishes kids for doing a dangerous or really bad thing. More like a parent who regularly explodes at kids/spouse for things like setting the table with a salad fork in the place of a dinner fork one day, or finding a bit of gristle on their steak another day, or having to wait 5 minutes because a family member is running late another day ... or whatever the irritant of the moment is. The irritant changes constantly, but the angry parent is consistently blowing up about some minor issue.

This behavior is abusive. OP, please talk to your spouse about how their anger is affecting everyone and stealing you family’s happiness. If your spouse doesn’t believe that their actions are really that bad, record them and play the recording back to them when they are in a calmer state. Please get your spouse into therapy (there are so many teletherapy providers now)! For many people, especially men, this unreasonable anger is a symptom of depression. SSRIs can help IMMENSELY. Your family does not have to live like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I recently had a memory of my sister doing something and of me being worried that it would set my dad off. I was 3! I realize that I was able to monitor my dads moods and plan my behavior accordingly while in preschool. As an adult I am hyper vigilant, startle easily. I also have a really hard time identifying my own emotions and struggle with being aware of when I am stressed or even physically in pain. It's almost like growing up monitoring someone else's emotions left me little time to reveal my own. Trust issues in relationships and really bad at handling conflict or standing up for myself.

That’s me as well.

My mom was a yelller. I did yell at my kids once terribly when I was upset
But not otherwise. Likewise my DH grew up with a angry Dad and has had a harder time with our kids. He recognizes it though and is in therapy. I am sure our behavior has impacted them but hopefully we have limited any bad parenting enough so they are not as damaged as we are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But if divorce, the child is then alone with the angry parent and without all the grown-up skills to protect themselves.

I think same question for those that went through, if only 1 parent was angry but not physically, do you have thoughts on parents together v. divorced?

Yes, I posted on this earlier in the thread. The divorce was good for us since the non-angry parent had primary custody and we only had to see the angry parent in a very limited capacity.

This doesn’t happen anymore in the 50/50 custody days. Even with diagnoses of disorders and track records of endangering the children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How did it affect you? Spouse is constantly angry. Feels like we (children and I) are walking on eggshells at home and don’t know what will set spouse off. When spouse is upset, spouse will yell and throw stuff (not at us). Spouse was not always like this, it’s related to the pandemic and a stressful job. We have young children and I’m worried about how this is affecting them.

Is he or any family members on the spectrum? Would he do a neuropsych to direct what type of counseling to best get?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How did it affect you? Spouse is constantly angry. Feels like we (children and I) are walking on eggshells at home and don’t know what will set spouse off. When spouse is upset, spouse will yell and throw stuff (not at us). Spouse was not always like this, it’s related to the pandemic and a stressful job. We have young children and I’m worried about how this is affecting them.

It is difficult, OP. DH had/has an angry bitter checked out mom and dad - each in their own world, the kids definitely came last- left to themselves, to fight and antagonize each other constantly, it was awful - while the parents were behind a newspaper, screen, etc. If you could all go for help, it would only get better, because I have noticed in DH, that he is more and more like his bitter parents, as he gets older. It is not something you could have predicted, or something that shows up while you are dating, it is only obvious after years of living together. Sorry you are going through this. It is an extremely heavy burden for him to live in those shadows.