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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I grew up with an angry parent and an enabling parent and the combination of toxic role modeling screwed up my head so badly that I have struggled in relationships my entire adulthood. Very high achieving, professionally accomplished until the toxic perfectionism, workaholism and intimacy issues manifested into serious chronic illness.

If you’re not already familiar with the ACE score, I’d suggest you read up on it and then do as brutally honest an assessment as possible about what your children’s scores might be considering the behavior they’re being exposed to. After decades working with people in toxic home environments and having endured one in my own childhood, I can attest that very few emerge psychologically unscathed. My mother’s failure to protect us is something I resent even more than my father’s emotional abuse, but I’ve seen in my advocacy work that her willingness to turn a blind eye to the damage being done to her children is sadly common. The mother who has the courage to endure whatever hardship arises in order to get her children into a healthy environment is a hero in my book.

Please demand that your husband get help, and family therapy too when safe. Your kids need to know this isn’t their fault.[/quote]

I should add that I’ve never married or had my own children, something which is a huge source of grief in my life. Many of the folks I know in the same boat (unmarried, childless) are there because the horror show of domestic relations in their childhood left them terrified to take the risk. Toxic marriages cripple many children for life, no question about it.[/quote]

DP.  Your post resonated with me.  I'm in my mid-50s and my abuser-father has been dead for 35 years. It took a long time to work through my trust/trigger issues to have a truly intimate relationship - and that's only been with my DH who I married at age 35.  I have 1 sibling who has been able to do the same.  I have 3 who have not (which is a shame because they are, truly, wonderful people). I'm the only one with kids. It wasn't until I had kids that I understood just what a failure my mother was by not protecting us as she should have.  Tons of therapy has not changed my opinion of my mother's culpability.

I am not as hypervigilant as I used to be but am still a superlight sleeper and if my DH comes to bed while I'm asleep, he needs to quietly call my name before he gets to the bedroom so I'm not startled/surprised.  The nightmares are not as frequent but when I have them, it's really tough - definitely 'fight or flight'.  There are times when behaviors from my DH or my kids will remind me of my childhood and even though I'm in a really good place, it can be tough.  I'm good at containing my emotions (that was a life skill I learned really young) but it's like being thrown back down that hole and it takes me a little while to dig out.  I've been open about it with DH and the kids so they understand pretty well. [/quote]

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