Sometimes I wonder if my husband is gay...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I may be reading way too much into this, but I'm guessing the two of you might be from conservative/religious families, since you mentioned being a virgin when you married. With that assumption:

He may not have come out to himself yet. He literally may not be able to admit to himself that he's gay. When you spend your formative years hearing that being gay is evil and you will burn in hell, you convince yourself that you are straight. When every example of being happy and successful is a heterosexual marriage with several kids, you can bury any same sex attraction and work to meet the clear expectations that have been laid out for you.

This was my experience until my mid-30's, and I know several other people who went through the same thing. When I finally was able to admit to myself that I was gay, a lot of things clicked into place, but it still took several years before I was ready to admit it to anyone else.

Alternatively, could he be depressed? That can do a number on your sex drive.

Yes, he grew up in a very catholic home and his parents are big republicans. He always is verbally aggressive about letting everyone know how he feels about "the gays"

But he has a very food gay friend??! Yeah they are probably FWB. Are they ever alone together?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I may be reading way too much into this, but I'm guessing the two of you might be from conservative/religious families, since you mentioned being a virgin when you married. With that assumption:

He may not have come out to himself yet. He literally may not be able to admit to himself that he's gay. When you spend your formative years hearing that being gay is evil and you will burn in hell, you convince yourself that you are straight. When every example of being happy and successful is a heterosexual marriage with several kids, you can bury any same sex attraction and work to meet the clear expectations that have been laid out for you.

This was my experience until my mid-30's, and I know several other people who went through the same thing. When I finally was able to admit to myself that I was gay, a lot of things clicked into place, but it still took several years before I was ready to admit it to anyone else.

Alternatively, could he be depressed? That can do a number on your sex drive.

Yes, he grew up in a very catholic home and his parents are big republicans. He always is verbally aggressive about letting everyone know how he feels about "the gays"

And you married someone like that? Wow. You have a lot of hate in your heart for someone "religious."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:does he wear designer clothes? if yes then yes he is.

Don't think so darling. Designer is not gay is class.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I may be reading way too much into this, but I'm guessing the two of you might be from conservative/religious families, since you mentioned being a virgin when you married. With that assumption:

He may not have come out to himself yet. He literally may not be able to admit to himself that he's gay. When you spend your formative years hearing that being gay is evil and you will burn in hell, you convince yourself that you are straight. When every example of being happy and successful is a heterosexual marriage with several kids, you can bury any same sex attraction and work to meet the clear expectations that have been laid out for you.

This was my experience until my mid-30's, and I know several other people who went through the same thing. When I finally was able to admit to myself that I was gay, a lot of things clicked into place, but it still took several years before I was ready to admit it to anyone else.

Alternatively, could he be depressed? That can do a number on your sex drive.

Yes, he grew up in a very catholic home and his parents are big republicans. He always is verbally aggressive about letting everyone know how he feels about "the gays"

Agree. Nice try though
But he has a gay friend? I'm calling troll.

[/quote

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You folks know there's gay Republicans even gays for Trump. I don't get it but they exist.

There's also gay men with low self esteem who tolerate that when they're in love with a person in the closet usually they eventually give an ultimatum.

I don't know what you can do op buti can say it's not normal to wonder if your partner is gay. Given his background it's unlikely he will be truthful with you right now. I guess slowly start preparing your self for a split in the future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Spoiler alert:

Maybe... he’s just not sexually motivated.

I know, right? A man that married a virgin!

Meh. I was a virgin and my husband married me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I may be reading way too much into this, but I'm guessing the two of you might be from conservative/religious families, since you mentioned being a virgin when you married. With that assumption:

He may not have come out to himself yet. He literally may not be able to admit to himself that he's gay. When you spend your formative years hearing that being gay is evil and you will burn in hell, you convince yourself that you are straight. When every example of being happy and successful is a heterosexual marriage with several kids, you can bury any same sex attraction and work to meet the clear expectations that have been laid out for you.

This was my experience until my mid-30's, and I know several other people who went through the same thing. When I finally was able to admit to myself that I was gay, a lot of things clicked into place, but it still took several years before I was ready to admit it to anyone else.

Alternatively, could he be depressed? That can do a number on your sex drive.

Yes, he grew up in a very catholic home and his parents are big republicans. He always is verbally aggressive about letting everyone know how he feels about "the gays"

If he’s homophobic then that’s a red flag.

[Anonymous]

Does it matter? The problem is you are not sexually compatible regardless of the reason. SO, you either need to adjust your expectations or leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've just always had a weird feeling about him. He has never been very sexual. I was a virgin until we married and the sex is ok but not very frequent and he doesn't seem that enthusiastic. From what I know all his past exes were women and I haven't seen him watch gay porn. He does have guy friends and one close gay guy friend who I hang out with too. I notice he usually seems to clench up around new men he meets and I can't tell if its because he is shy or something else.

I will walk around him naked and he isn't very sexually motivated.


Any other red flags to look for?

This is going to sound terrible but: it is very rare for straight men to have close male gay friends.

[MikeL]

Anonymous wrote:does he wear designer clothes? if yes then yes he is.

Does he like Broadway show tunes?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've just always had a weird feeling about him. He has never been very sexual. I was a virgin until we married and the sex is ok but not very frequent and he doesn't seem that enthusiastic. From what I know all his past exes were women and I haven't seen him watch gay porn. He does have guy friends and one close gay guy friend who I hang out with too. I notice he usually seems to clench up around new men he meets and I can't tell if its because he is shy or something else.

I will walk around him naked and he isn't very sexually motivated.


Any other red flags to look for?

I mean, you were a virgin until marriage so it sounds like you weren't very sexually motivated. Are you gay?

OP here. No I am not gay. I am very attracted to my husband and want sex all the time. I was a virgin due to religious reasons.

If he is very religious too, his behavior/attitudes may not match what you see in the media for straight guys. He may have conflicted attitudes about sex generally.

I would not think he is gay because he is not as excited by you as you think he should be.

If you have the sense for other reasons (gaydar) than ask him. But he may be very upset by the question. Perhaps bring it up obtusely: like talking about people who figured this out late in life or people who are not sure of their sexuality, whether it is a choice or you are born that way, etc. If you ask in a kind/open way, his answers may be revealing. But you may have to think about what any revelation would do to your life.

[Anonymous]

Well, I’ve been there. There were literally no signs at all for my ex and that was because he was deep in denial. It took the sudden loss of a parent for the feelings he’d always had but couldn’t/wouldn’t name to surface. It was a rough road that lasted several years. We are on the other side now and maintain a wonderful friendship and co-parent our young kids better than most married couples.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've just always had a weird feeling about him. He has never been very sexual. I was a virgin until we married and the sex is ok but not very frequent and he doesn't seem that enthusiastic. From what I know all his past exes were women and I haven't seen him watch gay porn. He does have guy friends and one close gay guy friend who I hang out with too. I notice he usually seems to clench up around new men he meets and I can't tell if its because he is shy or something else.

I will walk around him naked and he isn't very sexually motivated.


Any other red flags to look for?

This is going to sound terrible but: it is very rare for straight men to have close male gay friends.

NP. DCUM will go nuts at this reply, but the bold above is purest bull. The PP who thinks this must not know any straight men who have actual gay male friends.

My DH is straight (yeah, go ahead, snark at me and try to claim he's not; I'm the one who sleeps with him, and he's...very straight indeed) and he has a couple of old friends who are gay.

People who post grossly generalized blanket statements like "it is very rare for straight men to have close male gay friends" are people who cannot picture any friendships different from the ones they themselves know. I'm sure you also believe that "it is very rare for straight women to have close lesbian friends" or "straight men and straight women just cannot be friends, there will always be sexual tension between them" and a thousand other "absolutes" about friendships. Sorry your world is so boring and narrowly confined by people's sexualities. It's pitiful when people define other people solely by their sexual orientations and don't think that other things, like common interests and values, can play roles in friendships.

[Anonymous]

Adults, in adult relationships, actually communicate with each other.

Instead of crowdsourcing here, where you should already know you'll get mostly "He's gay, get a divorce" or "Snoop around!" answers, why not have an adult discussion with him? It does not have to lead with "Are you gay?" up front. But it does have to lead with "I want sex a lot, and you don't seem to. I don't know why we are not on the same page but we need to discuss this, and involve someone like a therapist if needed, because I love you but don't want to go on with what is a one-sided interest in sex."

He could be gay and closeted, sure.

He also could be straight and depressed (kills libido big time for some people).

He could have low testosterone or other purely physical issues which could be treated.

But you will never find out if you spend your time wondering and posting to strangers online. Ask yourself: Why can't you talk about something as fundamental as sex with your sexual partner?

Don't tiptoe around any more. Make a time when you and he can be alone. When neither of you has somewhere else to be soon. When your phones are both put away and turned off. And talk to him.

Or waste energy wondering, and then wake up in a few years and realize you wasted a ton of time by not bothering to be the adult and tell him what you're observing and feeling. Your choice.

[Anonymous]

Perhaps you aren't doing something that turns him on. Every guy has something he likes you need to figure out what your husband likes. You were a virgin so you may not know. Just being undressed may not be enough.

Out could also be that he was taught to suppress sexual feelings. Some religious people are taught that sex is dirty or wrong. That could impact him.

[Anonymous]

If he and his gay friend play hide the salami and your husband likes it, he just might be gay too. That’s okay if he’s gay. He might be better off with another man.