Sometimes I wonder if my husband is gay...

[Anonymous]

I've just always had a weird feeling about him. He has never been very sexual. I was a virgin until we married and the sex is ok but not very frequent and he doesn't seem that enthusiastic. From what I know all his past exes were women and I haven't seen him watch gay porn. He does have guy friends and one close gay guy friend who I hang out with too. I notice he usually seems to clench up around new men he meets and I can't tell if its because he is shy or something else.

I will walk around him naked and he isn't very sexually motivated.


Any other red flags to look for?

[Anonymous]

Ask him. And be ready for his answer.

[Anonymous]

Just ask, and make sure he knows that honest is okay and you aren’t going to flip out if he says he’s gay, or confused.

[Anonymous]

I think one potential tell is homophobic comments or attitudes, now or in the past. If somebody is attracted to the same sex but they think it’s wrong, they will often use homophobia as a defense mechanism. But it’s not a sure thing either way.

[Anonymous]

I may be reading way too much into this, but I'm guessing the two of you might be from conservative/religious families, since you mentioned being a virgin when you married. With that assumption:

He may not have come out to himself yet. He literally may not be able to admit to himself that he's gay. When you spend your formative years hearing that being gay is evil and you will burn in hell, you convince yourself that you are straight. When every example of being happy and successful is a heterosexual marriage with several kids, you can bury any same sex attraction and work to meet the clear expectations that have been laid out for you.

This was my experience until my mid-30's, and I know several other people who went through the same thing. When I finally was able to admit to myself that I was gay, a lot of things clicked into place, but it still took several years before I was ready to admit it to anyone else.

Alternatively, could he be depressed? That can do a number on your sex drive.

[Anonymous]

See if he was true threesome with you and the gay friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've just always had a weird feeling about him. He has never been very sexual. I was a virgin until we married and the sex is ok but not very frequent and he doesn't seem that enthusiastic. From what I know all his past exes were women and I haven't seen him watch gay porn. He does have guy friends and one close gay guy friend who I hang out with too. I notice he usually seems to clench up around new men he meets and I can't tell if its because he is shy or something else.

I will walk around him naked and he isn't very sexually motivated.


Any other red flags to look for?

I mean, you were a virgin until marriage so it sounds like you weren't very sexually motivated. Are you gay?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've just always had a weird feeling about him. He has never been very sexual. I was a virgin until we married and the sex is ok but not very frequent and he doesn't seem that enthusiastic. From what I know all his past exes were women and I haven't seen him watch gay porn. He does have guy friends and one close gay guy friend who I hang out with too. I notice he usually seems to clench up around new men he meets and I can't tell if its because he is shy or something else.

I will walk around him naked and he isn't very sexually motivated.


Any other red flags to look for?

I mean, you were a virgin until marriage so it sounds like you weren't very sexually motivated. Are you gay?

OP here. No I am not gay. I am very attracted to my husband and want sex all the time. I was a virgin due to religious reasons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've just always had a weird feeling about him. He has never been very sexual. I was a virgin until we married and the sex is ok but not very frequent and he doesn't seem that enthusiastic. From what I know all his past exes were women and I haven't seen him watch gay porn. He does have guy friends and one close gay guy friend who I hang out with too. I notice he usually seems to clench up around new men he meets and I can't tell if its because he is shy or something else.

I will walk around him naked and he isn't very sexually motivated.


Any other red flags to look for?

Does he spend longer on personal grooming (hair / nails / skin) than you?

Nope

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I may be reading way too much into this, but I'm guessing the two of you might be from conservative/religious families, since you mentioned being a virgin when you married. With that assumption:

He may not have come out to himself yet. He literally may not be able to admit to himself that he's gay. When you spend your formative years hearing that being gay is evil and you will burn in hell, you convince yourself that you are straight. When every example of being happy and successful is a heterosexual marriage with several kids, you can bury any same sex attraction and work to meet the clear expectations that have been laid out for you.

This was my experience until my mid-30's, and I know several other people who went through the same thing. When I finally was able to admit to myself that I was gay, a lot of things clicked into place, but it still took several years before I was ready to admit it to anyone else.

Alternatively, could he be depressed? That can do a number on your sex drive.

Yes, he grew up in a very catholic home and his parents are big republicans. He always is verbally aggressive about letting everyone know how he feels about "the gays"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I may be reading way too much into this, but I'm guessing the two of you might be from conservative/religious families, since you mentioned being a virgin when you married. With that assumption:

He may not have come out to himself yet. He literally may not be able to admit to himself that he's gay. When you spend your formative years hearing that being gay is evil and you will burn in hell, you convince yourself that you are straight. When every example of being happy and successful is a heterosexual marriage with several kids, you can bury any same sex attraction and work to meet the clear expectations that have been laid out for you.

This was my experience until my mid-30's, and I know several other people who went through the same thing. When I finally was able to admit to myself that I was gay, a lot of things clicked into place, but it still took several years before I was ready to admit it to anyone else.

Alternatively, could he be depressed? That can do a number on your sex drive.

Yes, he grew up in a very catholic home and his parents are big republicans. He always is verbally aggressive about letting everyone know how he feels about "the gays"

But he has a gay friend? I'm calling troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I may be reading way too much into this, but I'm guessing the two of you might be from conservative/religious families, since you mentioned being a virgin when you married. With that assumption:

He may not have come out to himself yet. He literally may not be able to admit to himself that he's gay. When you spend your formative years hearing that being gay is evil and you will burn in hell, you convince yourself that you are straight. When every example of being happy and successful is a heterosexual marriage with several kids, you can bury any same sex attraction and work to meet the clear expectations that have been laid out for you.

This was my experience until my mid-30's, and I know several other people who went through the same thing. When I finally was able to admit to myself that I was gay, a lot of things clicked into place, but it still took several years before I was ready to admit it to anyone else.

Alternatively, could he be depressed? That can do a number on your sex drive.

Yes, he grew up in a very catholic home and his parents are big republicans. He always is verbally aggressive about letting everyone know how he feels about "the gays"

Agree. Nice try though
But he has a gay friend? I'm calling troll.

[Anonymous]

Spoiler alert:

Maybe... he’s just not sexually motivated.

I know, right? A man that married a virgin!

[Anonymous]

He will come clean after his parents pass away. I know a few who have done this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I may be reading way too much into this, but I'm guessing the two of you might be from conservative/religious families, since you mentioned being a virgin when you married. With that assumption:

He may not have come out to himself yet. He literally may not be able to admit to himself that he's gay. When you spend your formative years hearing that being gay is evil and you will burn in hell, you convince yourself that you are straight. When every example of being happy and successful is a heterosexual marriage with several kids, you can bury any same sex attraction and work to meet the clear expectations that have been laid out for you.

This was my experience until my mid-30's, and I know several other people who went through the same thing. When I finally was able to admit to myself that I was gay, a lot of things clicked into place, but it still took several years before I was ready to admit it to anyone else.

Alternatively, could he be depressed? That can do a number on your sex drive.

Yes, he grew up in a very catholic home and his parents are big republicans. He always is verbally aggressive about letting everyone know how he feels about "the gays"

Making feelings well known about “the gays” would be a red flag to me combined with the other information you’ve given us. I don’t think you’re a troll. I think you may a husband who will never come out.