Sometimes I wonder if my husband is gay...

[Anonymous]

He probably is. I have a ton of gay friends and the amount of “straight” guys they hook up with is shocking. Basically, if you have even a tiny hint of suspicion, they’re probably at least bisexual. Being friends with so many gays and seeing it from the inside has made me WAY more picky about the guys I date

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think one potential tell is homophobic comments or attitudes, now or in the past. If somebody is attracted to the same sex but they think it’s wrong, they will often use homophobia as a defense mechanism. But it’s not a sure thing either way.

+1

Be careful about asking him about his sexual identity. It's really important that he is in control of his sense of self. All the comments about this type of self-knowledge being suppressed for religious and family reasons are relevant. At a minimum he selected you because you are his public partner to his family. On some level he chose you, virginity included, to continue to be acceptable to them. He also may have chosen you to be contrarian to his parents, if you also represent some facet of humanity that his family considers lesser than to themselves.

https://www.thetrevorproject.org/trvr_support_center/coming-out/

[Anonymous]

Have you asked the gay friend what he thinks?

[Anonymous]

Does he have any other quirks or executive functions issues? Like total lack of empathy or real connection with anybody?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does he have any other quirks or executive functions issues? Like total lack of empathy or real connection with anybody?

PP can you elaborate please? What should a lack of empathy or executive function issues have to do with closeted sexuality?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does he have any other quirks or executive functions issues? Like total lack of empathy or real connection with anybody?

PP can you elaborate please? What should a lack of empathy or executive function issues have to do with closeted sexuality?

+1, also curious

https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10508-019-01491-2

[Anonymous]

Does he have a cat?

[Anonymous]

I think that your choice to remain a virgin until marriage played a big role in you marrying a sexual dud. Remember all those guys you dated who quickly broke up over your no-sex policy? Well there is a reason for that. Normal guys with a normal sex drive do not / can not / would not "wait until marriage". And the guys who DO are (like you said) just not sexually motivated. In other words, you purposefully picked a dud and now question why he is a dud?

As a consolation, you have bragging rights that while all your lady friends are making excuses and running away from their horn-dog husbands, you can peacefully scroll DCUM in the nude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think that your choice to remain a virgin until marriage played a big role in you marrying a sexual dud. Remember all those guys you dated who quickly broke up over your no-sex policy? Well there is a reason for that. Normal guys with a normal sex drive do not / can not / would not "wait until marriage". And the guys who DO are (like you said) just not sexually motivated. In other words, you purposefully picked a dud and now question why he is a dud?

As a consolation, you have bragging rights that while all your lady friends are making excuses and running away from their horn-dog husbands, you can peacefully scroll DCUM in the nude.

Yes but she wants sex with her husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think that your choice to remain a virgin until marriage played a big role in you marrying a sexual dud. Remember all those guys you dated who quickly broke up over your no-sex policy? Well there is a reason for that. Normal guys with a normal sex drive do not / can not / would not "wait until marriage". And the guys who DO are (like you said) just not sexually motivated. In other words, you purposefully picked a dud and now question why he is a dud?

As a consolation, you have bragging rights that while all your lady friends are making excuses and running away from their horn-dog husbands, you can peacefully scroll DCUM in the nude.

This is spot on. OP - were you and DH sexually active with each other before marriage - even though you didn’t have sex technically? Or was he hands off before marriage as well?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think that your choice to remain a virgin until marriage played a big role in you marrying a sexual dud. Remember all those guys you dated who quickly broke up over your no-sex policy? Well there is a reason for that. Normal guys with a normal sex drive do not / can not / would not "wait until marriage". And the guys who DO are (like you said) just not sexually motivated. In other words, you purposefully picked a dud and now question why he is a dud?

As a consolation, you have bragging rights that while all your lady friends are making excuses and running away from their horn-dog husbands, you can peacefully scroll DCUM in the nude.

Yes but she wants sex with her husband.

Right and I want sex with my wife 7X per week. However I married a woman who (only through my perpetual efforts to light her flame) consents to twice-per-week. I am not here wondering why she has no sex drive, asking how I can change her. Sometimes we have to accept the person we married for being the person we married.

[Anonymous]

OP I am curious- does he have hobbies? What things is he into? Yes this is going to sound stereotypical but my ex-fiancé had tons of Audrey Hepburn and Barbara Streisand movies laying around, he was a cheerleader in high school, he acted very metrosexual... could he have just been in touch with his feminine side.. maybe- but I honestly think he is bisexual or just full on gay. He was keeping a lot of secrets that I will never fully know about- and I really think that is one of them. As we were breaking up I saw stuff in his emails that shocked me- Craigslist ads soliciting sex... that kind of thing. He is married with three kids leading a seemingly idyllic life (I think) I have to wonder what he is doing behind his wife’s back on a regular basis.

Anyway, The reason I say all this is if someone told me he was gay I would not be shocked at all. Besides your husband having little interest in you sexually- Are there any other signs? Does he spend a LOT of time with his gay friend? I realize some closeted men show no signs at all- but I think if you want to find some evidence.. you will find it. Look on his phone or web browser ... yes it’s snooping but I think you’ll find your answer.

Those telling you to ask him straight up if he is gay-I don’t see that going well. You might have better luck asking him why he is not interested in sex with you.. if he can’t give you direct answers or isn’t willing to work on it with you (see a therapist, or doctor) then he’s either gay and or having an affair. Reminds me of that movie “She’s the one”... jennifer anistons husband isn’t interested in sex with her at all... so she starts to wonder if he’s gay and actually asks him- he finally blows up and admits he is having an affair with another woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think that your choice to remain a virgin until marriage played a big role in you marrying a sexual dud. Remember all those guys you dated who quickly broke up over your no-sex policy? Well there is a reason for that. Normal guys with a normal sex drive do not / can not / would not "wait until marriage". And the guys who DO are (like you said) just not sexually motivated. In other words, you purposefully picked a dud and now question why he is a dud?

As a consolation, you have bragging rights that while all your lady friends are making excuses and running away from their horn-dog husbands, you can peacefully scroll DCUM in the nude.

This is spot on. OP - were you and DH sexually active with each other before marriage - even though you didn’t have sex technically? Or was he hands off before marriage as well?

OP here. Yes. We were pretty active for the first 5-6 years we were together. He couldn't keep his hands off me and we would do everything except PIV. Being a virgin, thats all I knew and it was a fantastic time. I was never NOT sexual...I just had cultural and religious hangups to wait until marriage.

After I lost my virginity, I want sex more than ever. To enjoy it and to connect with him in that way. Meanwhile he...doesn't seem to want to touch me sexually. He still gives me lots of kisses and hugs if we are around each other but he turns me down everytime I initiate. It has been 3 months since we last had sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I am curious- does he have hobbies? What things is he into? Yes this is going to sound stereotypical but my ex-fiancé had tons of Audrey Hepburn and Barbara Streisand movies laying around, he was a cheerleader in high school, he acted very metrosexual... could he have just been in touch with his feminine side.. maybe- but I honestly think he is bisexual or just full on gay. He was keeping a lot of secrets that I will never fully know about- and I really think that is one of them. As we were breaking up I saw stuff in his emails that shocked me- Craigslist ads soliciting sex... that kind of thing. He is married with three kids leading a seemingly idyllic life (I think) I have to wonder what he is doing behind his wife’s back on a regular basis.

Anyway, The reason I say all this is if someone told me he was gay I would not be shocked at all. Besides your husband having little interest in you sexually- Are there any other signs? Does he spend a LOT of time with his gay friend? I realize some closeted men show no signs at all- but I think if you want to find some evidence.. you will find it. Look on his phone or web browser ... yes it’s snooping but I think you’ll find your answer.

Those telling you to ask him straight up if he is gay-I don’t see that going well. You might have better luck asking him why he is not interested in sex with you.. if he can’t give you direct answers or isn’t willing to work on it with you (see a therapist, or doctor) then he’s either gay and or having an affair. Reminds me of that movie “She’s the one”... jennifer aniston's husband isn’t interested in sex with her at all... so she starts to wonder if he’s gay and actually asks him- he finally blows up and admits he is having an affair with another woman.

OP here. Yes, his hobbies are reading. He is a great reader and can consume all kinds of obscure history, philosophy and literature books.
He likes guns and fishing.
He is currently into building toy car models. He spends a lot of time painting and building those cars, trucks, ships.
He used to be in a rock band in high school and had long hair.

He is sort of obsessed with being "masculine" and our friends compare him to Ron Swanson. Everything modern is "gay." He wears rugged jeans and the same t shirt for weeks if I don't tell him to change. He complains of dry skin but wont apply moisturizer because that is for women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does he have any other quirks or executive functions issues? Like total lack of empathy or real connection with anybody?

PP can you elaborate please? What should a lack of empathy or executive function issues have to do with closeted sexuality?

It’s means instead of gay he’s just another asexual, no common sense, non communicative guy on the autism spectrum. Autism is driving his lack of drive.

However there is new literature on Autism/ gender/ sexuality so maybe that is getting studied more too. Basically you know you’re different, it’s actually a brain wiring neuroatypical difference, but you try everything else even hormones or transitioning or opp $ex to “feel normal.”