Different Fitness Levels

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think your options are basically accept it or don't accept it.

I'm the wife in our case. I love exercising - I do it a couple hours every day. If my husband never got off the couch again, he'd be happy.

We've talked about it every which way and at the end of the day, it's just not up to me. He is his own person with his own body, and even if he'd be healthier - and would feel better about himself, and all those things - he's just not interested in exercising more. Or at all.

I don't know what else there is to do about it. You don't get to make someone else be who you want them to be, even if you sure do know what's good for them.

My advice for you and your wife is - just accept that she is who she is, and it's not the person who wants to exercise a lot. If you can't accept that, then - well, you know.

I'm a planner by trade, and we always run "no-build" scenarios for any improvement we consider. I am aware that this might very well be such a case and I might have to accept it and move forward. But I thought it would be productive to at least try. I am not going to divorce over something like this, I know what battles to fight and which ones to concede.

I think this is one to concede. If you can come up with activities that get her moving and that she enjoys - my husband, for example, enjoys exploring new cities when we travel (when it's not COVID times) - then that's one way to do some of this together. You can tell her it would mean a lot if she'd go out kayaking with you some afternoon before it's too cold. But I don't think you can essentially coerce or wheedle a non-exercise person into being an exercise person.

I guess I might feel differently about this if I hadn't grown up in a family with this dynamic, too. My father - like me - loves being out walking, bike riding, all that. My mother thinks that walking once around the block constitutes a good workout. I've seen my father try for years, decades, to get my mother to be more active with him - by saying it's good for her, that it would mean a lot to him, everything you can think of. She' s just not going to do it. So he has other friends to go out walking and hiking and biking with, and they are both happier. She was more willing to walk when they were on vacation, and luckily they went on a lot of vacations. But exercise and fitness is just not part of her life, never was, never will be, and my dad was happier when he stopped thinking that could change.

I try to exercise this same sense of understanding with my husband now, too. He just does not want to do it, and me nagging and begging isn't going to change that. Maybe one day he will decide on his own that he'd like to try moving more. That would be wonderful, I'd be thrilled. He knows that him being more part of that aspect of my life would make me very happy, and since I know he overall really wants to make me happy, he must REALLY not want to exercise.

I don't know what else there is. Maybe asking your wife if she needs some time, or money, to be able to exercise more - like could you cook dinner, and she can go out for a walk, or something. Otherwise: I think you just need to find friends to do that with, and enjoy other things with your wife. People are annoying by not being more shapeable, in my experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am a DH, so I was talking about DW. I have racked my brain to think of fun physical activities she'd enjoy, not just ones we would do together just because I enjoyed them. It's been a struggle to find something she'd be self-motivated to do. I'm not expecting anything to the level I take it because I'm just an active person by nature.

And to the PP who said that men who are in shape are self-centered, I'm the guy who never brings up any of my fitness achievements in conversation. DW will frequently do so, but I generally change the subject fairly quickly. So no, I am not self-centered thank you.

Your fitness achievement? Barf.

[Anonymous]

Buy a peloton. Women love it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think your options are basically accept it or don't accept it.

I'm the wife in our case. I love exercising - I do it a couple hours every day. If my husband never got off the couch again, he'd be happy.

We've talked about it every which way and at the end of the day, it's just not up to me. He is his own person with his own body, and even if he'd be healthier - and would feel better about himself, and all those things - he's just not interested in exercising more. Or at all.

I don't know what else there is to do about it. You don't get to make someone else be who you want them to be, even if you sure do know what's good for them.

My advice for you and your wife is - just accept that she is who she is, and it's not the person who wants to exercise a lot. If you can't accept that, then - well, you know.

+1 I HATE being active, and that won't change. I finally lost weight and kept it off with gastric bypass surgery, but before that, my health-nut dad permanently ruined our relationship with his judgment and nagging. There is literally nothing you can do to change her in this regard.

[Anonymous]

Go to the gym together. When I see couples at the gym I think of how awesome their sex life must be. Get all horned up glancing at each other during the workout, come back and hop in the shower. Both looking all fit and hot.

[Anonymous]

OP, does your wife have an hour per day to herself? An hour that she chooses? Not just 6am or 8pm when she exhausted? If not, make that happen however you can. She may be too emotionally drained to use it for exercise right off the bat, she may just need a few weeks of time alone to recharge before she tackles a self improvement project. Also, diet counts for more than exercise. Can you take over the meal planning, shopping, and cooking more?

[Anonymous]

Is there something that you would like to improve on in your life that your spouse is better at? Maybe he/she makes more money, reads more literature, is better at time management, or has a better relationship with your kids.
Maybe you could start by asking for your spouse’s support in this and make a real effort. Then when it comes time, he/she might ask for your help when the tables are turned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, does your wife have an hour per day to herself? An hour that she chooses? Not just 6am or 8pm when she exhausted? If not, make that happen however you can. She may be too emotionally drained to use it for exercise right off the bat, she may just need a few weeks of time alone to recharge before she tackles a self improvement project. Also, diet counts for more than exercise. Can you take over the meal planning, shopping, and cooking more?

I agree that this has been effective for me. My husband and I were arguing for a while, and I started leaving the house whenever he got home, then coming back about two hours later to put the kids to bed. I wasn’t working on self improvement, but I did use that time to listen to audiobooks, get some things done for work that had been hanging over my head, volunteer, and start exercising daily.

You didn’t say how old your children are (which is kind of telling), but they can be a lot of work, particularly with distance learning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Buy a peloton. Women love it!

Lol.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, does your wife have an hour per day to herself? An hour that she chooses? Not just 6am or 8pm when she exhausted? If not, make that happen however you can. She may be too emotionally drained to use it for exercise right off the bat, she may just need a few weeks of time alone to recharge before she tackles a self improvement project. Also, diet counts for more than exercise. Can you take over the meal planning, shopping, and cooking more?

Exactly this. My DH would be very into fitness and when I wasn’t he would say things like “don’t you want to exercise/ get back in shape” but completely missed how his lack of help with the kids and around the house made that impossible unless I did it at literally 5am before anyone woke up or 9p once kids were down. Covid thankfully has made it easier for me to workout in our garage gym routinely during daylight hours. It also took me awhile to try different programs that I stopped and started, until I finally found a weightlifting and HIIT program I really like.

[Anonymous]

Get a dog. He’ll have to go out several times a day and need exercise so long walks will become part of the routine. The dog will give you an excuse to go hiking, check out trails, have more adventures. Plus you’ll meet other dog people who will want to walk with you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, does your wife have an hour per day to herself? An hour that she chooses? Not just 6am or 8pm when she exhausted? If not, make that happen however you can. She may be too emotionally drained to use it for exercise right off the bat, she may just need a few weeks of time alone to recharge before she tackles a self improvement project. Also, diet counts for more than exercise. Can you take over the meal planning, shopping, and cooking more?

She has a good bit of time to herself during the day. As I said, she works from home but has a fairly light work load most of the time. She watches a lot of Netflix during the day, so I don't really think it's a matter of free time. She does most of the shopping simply because she's able to do it during the day outside of peak traffic times, but we split meal planning and cooking pretty evenly. She goes on and off of good diets, but she struggles to stick with it. I cook my own lunches for the week on Sundays because I prefer to eat home-cooked food rather than eating out, so I usually offer to cook more so she'll have some for her lunch but she usually declines because she doesn't like leftovers very often.

I think that I'll just continue to suggest activities we can do together that are active but not completely based on fitness. She admits she felt tired much less often back when she was more active, so I want her to feel good about herself again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have been struggling with an issue for the past couple of years: my spouse and I are at completely different fitness levels. While this has always been the case, the disparity has never been this great. I've always been more fit, but since our engagement/wedding, I've gotten more fit and my spouse has gone the opposite direction. I love my spouse all the same, but I can't pretend that there hasn't been a drop off in physical attraction because of it.

I feel like I'm the only one making a good effort to remain physically attractive (although it is as much for myself as my spouse). I am also concerned for my spouse as there are numerous health issues to think about when we get older. I don't know how to bring this up in a way that doesn't hurt my spouse's feelings. But I find myself less frequently wanting to have sex, which makes me feel guilty, but doesn't change that fact.

Has anyone else been able to successfully broach this subject with minimal fallout?

No. Nothing works with my DH. He is obese. His body has no appeal to me. He cannot even function properly as a male now because of PE and an organ which has become lost in the pubic fat. Yet, he wants to get off and I used to get him off because I felt sorry. Also, I felt that he has all qualities of a very good husband and in all other ways he is fantastic, so why be shallow. Afterall. he was an attractive male and I found him appealing physically when he was 50 lbs lighter. However, regarding sex, his weight has changed a wife who is a high libido into a person who is happier using a BOB and calling it a day. I love him. I will never cheat. But, I feel repulsed when he is naked.

Telling him that I am worried about his health does not resonate. Telling him I am not finding him physically attractive makes him angry and he calls me selfish and cruel. So now I ignore him for intimate needs. I am still a good and loving wife but it is mainly sexless marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, does your wife have an hour per day to herself? An hour that she chooses? Not just 6am or 8pm when she exhausted? If not, make that happen however you can. She may be too emotionally drained to use it for exercise right off the bat, she may just need a few weeks of time alone to recharge before she tackles a self improvement project. Also, diet counts for more than exercise. Can you take over the meal planning, shopping, and cooking more?

She has a good bit of time to herself during the day. As I said, she works from home but has a fairly light work load most of the time. She watches a lot of Netflix during the day, so I don't really think it's a matter of free time. She does most of the shopping simply because she's able to do it during the day outside of peak traffic times, but we split meal planning and cooking pretty evenly. She goes on and off of good diets, but she struggles to stick with it. I cook my own lunches for the week on Sundays because I prefer to eat home-cooked food rather than eating out, so I usually offer to cook more so she'll have some for her lunch but she usually declines because she doesn't like leftovers very often.

I think that I'll just continue to suggest activities we can do together that are active but not completely based on fitness. She admits she felt tired much less often back when she was more active, so I want her to feel good about herself again.

Do you have kids?
I am not sure if you are deliberately not mentioning them or what is going on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, does your wife have an hour per day to herself? An hour that she chooses? Not just 6am or 8pm when she exhausted? If not, make that happen however you can. She may be too emotionally drained to use it for exercise right off the bat, she may just need a few weeks of time alone to recharge before she tackles a self improvement project. Also, diet counts for more than exercise. Can you take over the meal planning, shopping, and cooking more?

She has a good bit of time to herself during the day. As I said, she works from home but has a fairly light work load most of the time. She watches a lot of Netflix during the day, so I don't really think it's a matter of free time. She does most of the shopping simply because she's able to do it during the day outside of peak traffic times, but we split meal planning and cooking pretty evenly. She goes on and off of good diets, but she struggles to stick with it. I cook my own lunches for the week on Sundays because I prefer to eat home-cooked food rather than eating out, so I usually offer to cook more so she'll have some for her lunch but she usually declines because she doesn't like leftovers very often.

I think that I'll just continue to suggest activities we can do together that are active but not completely based on fitness. She admits she felt tired much less often back when she was more active, so I want her to feel good about herself again.

Do you have kids?
I am not sure if you are deliberately not mentioning them or what is going on.

We have her daughter 10 yo from her previous marriage. DW has 50/50 split custody, so we have her every other week.