Different Fitness Levels

[Anonymous]

Do you want her want her to work out because she’s fat? I think you need to get really honest about your motivations if you are looking for advice. It’s an anonymous board so you are better served being blunt.

I hate working out. I never go to the gym, but I like being thin, so I eat less. Being thin gives you more energy, so unless you want your DW to go mountain climbing with you in the summers, it might be easier to just put the fork down.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think I’ve ever heard anyone use the word “fitness” this many times in a conversation IRL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you want her want her to work out because she’s fat? I think you need to get really honest about your motivations if you are looking for advice. It’s an anonymous board so you are better served being blunt.

I hate working out. I never go to the gym, but I like being thin, so I eat less. Being thin gives you more energy, so unless you want your DW to go mountain climbing with you in the summers, it might be easier to just put the fork down.

I want her to be thinner yes. Both for my sake and hers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been struggling with an issue for the past couple of years: my spouse and I are at completely different fitness levels. While this has always been the case, the disparity has never been this great. I've always been more fit, but since our engagement/wedding, I've gotten more fit and my spouse has gone the opposite direction. I love my spouse all the same, but I can't pretend that there hasn't been a drop off in physical attraction because of it.

I feel like I'm the only one making a good effort to remain physically attractive (although it is as much for myself as my spouse). I am also concerned for my spouse as there are numerous health issues to think about when we get older. I don't know how to bring this up in a way that doesn't hurt my spouse's feelings. But I find myself less frequently wanting to have sex, which makes me feel guilty, but doesn't change that fact.

Has anyone else been able to successfully broach this subject with minimal fallout?

No. Nothing works with my DH. He is obese. His body has no appeal to me. He cannot even function properly as a male now because of PE and an organ which has become lost in the pubic fat. Yet, he wants to get off and I used to get him off because I felt sorry. Also, I felt that he has all qualities of a very good husband and in all other ways he is fantastic, so why be shallow. Afterall. he was an attractive male and I found him appealing physically when he was 50 lbs lighter. However, regarding sex, his weight has changed a wife who is a high libido into a person who is happier using a BOB and calling it a day. I love him. I will never cheat. But, I feel repulsed when he is naked.

Telling him that I am worried about his health does not resonate. Telling him I am not finding him physically attractive makes him angry and he calls me selfish and cruel. So now I ignore him for intimate needs. I am still a good and loving wife but it is mainly sexless marriage.

Many months ago I posted nearly this exact thing. Many DCUM readers took offense, they “reported” my post, and my post was deleted.

Of course I am a man, so that explains why all the hate over my post (yet none for PP) and why the website editor deleted my post (yet not PP).
Carry on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you want her want her to work out because she’s fat? I think you need to get really honest about your motivations if you are looking for advice. It’s an anonymous board so you are better served being blunt.

I hate working out. I never go to the gym, but I like being thin, so I eat less. Being thin gives you more energy, so unless you want your DW to go mountain climbing with you in the summers, it might be easier to just put the fork down.

I want her to be thinner yes. Both for my sake and hers.

It’s not all about fitness and exercise, it’s about food choices. I’m a woman, definitely could lose some pounds, but my thin, super fast metabolism DH has the palate of a teenager and we end of eating crap. He never gains weight, I pack on the pounds. And yes, I’m an adult and can make decisions for myself but when given the choice between a burger and fries or a salad I’m hitting the burger 100% of the time. Your metabolism may also be fast so you may be able to eat junk where she gains if she eats the same food. Maybe healthier food options could be added in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you want her want her to work out because she’s fat? I think you need to get really honest about your motivations if you are looking for advice. It’s an anonymous board so you are better served being blunt.

I hate working out. I never go to the gym, but I like being thin, so I eat less. Being thin gives you more energy, so unless you want your DW to go mountain climbing with you in the summers, it might be easier to just put the fork down.

I want her to be thinner yes. Both for my sake and hers.

It’s not all about fitness and exercise, it’s about food choices. I’m a woman, definitely could lose some pounds, but my thin, super fast metabolism DH has the palate of a teenager and we end of eating crap. He never gains weight, I pack on the pounds. And yes, I’m an adult and can make decisions for myself but when given the choice between a burger and fries or a salad I’m hitting the burger 100% of the time. Your metabolism may also be fast so you may be able to eat junk where she gains if she eats the same food. Maybe healthier food options could be added in.

This is very similar to our situation, but with the difference being that even though I'm the one with the fast metabolism, I am usually the one pushing for keeping our food options limited to healthier items. Like you, I'm choosing the junk food every time if its available. She has gone on healthy diets in the past, and when she did she worried that she needed to also buy "regular" food for me and DD. I told her I would be fine eating healthier food, and DD usually likes the meals and will also eat fruit if there's no junk food without much complaining. So just don't buy junk food an there won't be a temptation. That'll last a few weeks, but then the junk food shows back up, so I dunno. Sometimes when its her turn to cook she'll say she doesn't feel like it and will just order out. I offer to cook instead, but she declines. So instead I just decline the to-go food and cook a healthy option for myself.

I dunno.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Make space for them to engage in self care. Set a good example without being preachy. Engage in healthy living and activities that encourage fitness together, even if it’s walking every night after dinner.

And stop comparing how awesome you are compared to them. They feel that, and it may actually be demotivating.

This. The "healthy" one often is completely blind to how much time they spend on their own self-care and how much slack the other spouse is picking up in that regard. After I had a baby my DH made some comment about how we never spend any time together when I started going back to the gym and I was so furious - he spent about 15 hours a week in various sports "training" regimens while I was exhausted and recovering. I told him flat out that his health was being prioritized at the expense of my own and he was being insanely selfish, and he's been really good about being cognizant of that ever since. As soon as DD could sit in a jogging stroller he started taking her with him on his long runs on the weekend, which is guaranteed uninterrupted time for me to get a workout in, stuff like that. But I know for a fact that he just thought that I didn't care about my fitness. It's so myopic and IME people who speak in terms of their elevated "fitness levels" are doing it on the backs of their SO's unpaid/unappreciated labor. While you're trying to PR somebody is keeping the family together behind your back.

I am the fitness nut in my marriage and I wake up at 4:45 am to get in my training before anyone else wakes up. I made sure that my workouts never interfered with the family’s schedule or household responsibilities. Sometimes I was completely exhausted from a long run but I would still make it to whatever they were doing even if it was more physical activity.

[Anonymous]

Fitness aptitude is like libido: naturally high or not. I was you two decades ago, OP. DH has been overweight for most of our marriage and far less physically active. This has been true when we both worked full-time and had no kids and when I began to stay at home with our three kids. He goes days without eating fruit and never makes vegetables when he cooks dinner. I am his Enabler-in-Chief. I make sure he has all the candy and salted nuts and beer he wants in abundance to be able to snack the stress away. My mother told me years ago to stop agonizing about his health. He is a grown man who makes his own choices. I'm his wife, not his GP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think I’ve ever heard anyone use the word “fitness” this many times in a conversation IRL.

OP seems really into himself and wants the hot thin wife to match.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Make space for them to engage in self care. Set a good example without being preachy. Engage in healthy living and activities that encourage fitness together, even if it’s walking every night after dinner.

And stop comparing how awesome you are compared to them. They feel that, and it may actually be demotivating.

This. The "healthy" one often is completely blind to how much time they spend on their own self-care and how much slack the other spouse is picking up in that regard. After I had a baby my DH made some comment about how we never spend any time together when I started going back to the gym and I was so furious - he spent about 15 hours a week in various sports "training" regimens while I was exhausted and recovering. I told him flat out that his health was being prioritized at the expense of my own and he was being insanely selfish, and he's been really good about being cognizant of that ever since. As soon as DD could sit in a jogging stroller he started taking her with him on his long runs on the weekend, which is guaranteed uninterrupted time for me to get a workout in, stuff like that. But I know for a fact that he just thought that I didn't care about my fitness. It's so myopic and IME people who speak in terms of their elevated "fitness levels" are doing it on the backs of their SO's unpaid/unappreciated labor. While you're trying to PR somebody is keeping the family together behind your back.

I am the fitness nut in my marriage and I wake up at 4:45 am to get in my training before anyone else wakes up. I made sure that my workouts never interfered with the family’s schedule or household responsibilities. Sometimes I was completely exhausted from a long run but I would still make it to whatever they were doing even if it was more physical activity.

So, either you are going to bed at 8:45 pm, which I am sure affects your marriage. Or you are chronically sleep deprived, which causes irritability, depression, memory loss, and a 15% increase risk of mortality...Not exactly healthy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Make space for them to engage in self care. Set a good example without being preachy. Engage in healthy living and activities that encourage fitness together, even if it’s walking every night after dinner.

And stop comparing how awesome you are compared to them. They feel that, and it may actually be demotivating.

This. The "healthy" one often is completely blind to how much time they spend on their own self-care and how much slack the other spouse is picking up in that regard. After I had a baby my DH made some comment about how we never spend any time together when I started going back to the gym and I was so furious - he spent about 15 hours a week in various sports "training" regimens while I was exhausted and recovering. I told him flat out that his health was being prioritized at the expense of my own and he was being insanely selfish, and he's been really good about being cognizant of that ever since. As soon as DD could sit in a jogging stroller he started taking her with him on his long runs on the weekend, which is guaranteed uninterrupted time for me to get a workout in, stuff like that. But I know for a fact that he just thought that I didn't care about my fitness. It's so myopic and IME people who speak in terms of their elevated "fitness levels" are doing it on the backs of their SO's unpaid/unappreciated labor. While you're trying to PR somebody is keeping the family together behind your back.

I am the fitness nut in my marriage and I wake up at 4:45 am to get in my training before anyone else wakes up. I made sure that my workouts never interfered with the family’s schedule or household responsibilities. Sometimes I was completely exhausted from a long run but I would still make it to whatever they were doing even if it was more physical activity.

So, either you are going to bed at 8:45 pm, which I am sure affects your marriage. Or you are chronically sleep deprived, which causes irritability, depression, memory loss, and a 15% increase risk of mortality...Not exactly healthy.

OO here. For me, at least, this would go against my whole objective in trying to stay in shape. Any type of fitness-related activity I take on has to fit within what I would call a "nornal" day in my household. That means not keeping hours that deviate very far outside of DW's schedule. I give myself an extra 20 minutes in the morning for calisthenics before I get ready for work. Another 20 minutes when I get home for more calisthenics. DW likes taking long baths to read in the tub so I'll usually run while she's doing that. I find that to be enough for me. If there's a race I'm prepping for then the running is more involved, but I only train for 2-3 races a year for that reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think I’ve ever heard anyone use the word “fitness” this many times in a conversation IRL.

OP seems really into himself and wants the hot thin wife to match.

All men want a hot thin wife. High "value" men (income/status/looks/fitness) generally expect this.
Frustration and marital instability comes when the wife does not play along.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Many months ago I posted nearly this exact thing. Many DCUM readers took offense, they “reported” my post, and my post was deleted.

Of course I am a man, so that explains why all the hate over my post (yet none for PP) and why the website editor deleted my post (yet not PP).
Carry on.

Um, the OP already stated that he is a man. So ... try again?

[Anonymous]

Just keep doing what you can to maintain so you remain in decent health. A dog can be a great and fun enticement for daily walks.

Good luck!

We experienced lots of ebbs and flows with kids, work, health/injury big factors. For us:

First 7ish years of relationship, I was super fit running and strong (college sport) - and husband was in okay shape mostly walking.

Next 5ish years, little kids in the picture + money stress. I was in okay shape (ran with kids in stroller), Husband went from decent shape to very out of shape (gained 25 lbs).

Third 5ish kids a bit older kids/life/work busy time and kids not yet able to be home alone and money stress. My shape declined a lot (injury to Back) and he started getting in shape and running a bunch! We have a dog, daily family/couple we walks.

Fourth 5ish - I am the out of shape and added 25 lbs. I can no longer run but am slowly working back to health and he remains in great shape.

I hope that when we retire we’ll both be back to both decent shape.

[Anonymous]

Well I don’t know you and your wife, but it’s important to keep in mind that a “normal” body fat percentage for men in their 40s and 50s is 11% to 21%. For women of that age, it’s 23% to 33%. Women are built differently.