Different Fitness Levels

[Anonymous]

I have been struggling with an issue for the past couple of years: my spouse and I are at completely different fitness levels. While this has always been the case, the disparity has never been this great. I've always been more fit, but since our engagement/wedding, I've gotten more fit and my spouse has gone the opposite direction. I love my spouse all the same, but I can't pretend that there hasn't been a drop off in physical attraction because of it.

I feel like I'm the only one making a good effort to remain physically attractive (although it is as much for myself as my spouse). I am also concerned for my spouse as there are numerous health issues to think about when we get older. I don't know how to bring this up in a way that doesn't hurt my spouse's feelings. But I find myself less frequently wanting to have sex, which makes me feel guilty, but doesn't change that fact.

Has anyone else been able to successfully broach this subject with minimal fallout?

[Anonymous]

Nope. He knows he's out of shape. Me mentioning it makes it worse.

[Anonymous]

Make space for them to engage in self care. Set a good example without being preachy. Engage in healthy living and activities that encourage fitness together, even if it’s walking every night after dinner.

And stop comparing how awesome you are compared to them. They feel that, and it may actually be demotivating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Make space for them to engage in self care. Set a good example without being preachy. Engage in healthy living and activities that encourage fitness together, even if it’s walking every night after dinner.

And stop comparing how awesome you are compared to them. They feel that, and it may actually be demotivating.

This. The "healthy" one often is completely blind to how much time they spend on their own self-care and how much slack the other spouse is picking up in that regard. After I had a baby my DH made some comment about how we never spend any time together when I started going back to the gym and I was so furious - he spent about 15 hours a week in various sports "training" regimens while I was exhausted and recovering. I told him flat out that his health was being prioritized at the expense of my own and he was being insanely selfish, and he's been really good about being cognizant of that ever since. As soon as DD could sit in a jogging stroller he started taking her with him on his long runs on the weekend, which is guaranteed uninterrupted time for me to get a workout in, stuff like that. But I know for a fact that he just thought that I didn't care about my fitness. It's so myopic and IME people who speak in terms of their elevated "fitness levels" are doing it on the backs of their SO's unpaid/unappreciated labor. While you're trying to PR somebody is keeping the family together behind your back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Make space for them to engage in self care. Set a good example without being preachy. Engage in healthy living and activities that encourage fitness together, even if it’s walking every night after dinner.

And stop comparing how awesome you are compared to them. They feel that, and it may actually be demotivating.

Yep. It's the adult version of "Why can't you be more like your brother?" and it's incredibly demotivating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Make space for them to engage in self care. Set a good example without being preachy. Engage in healthy living and activities that encourage fitness together, even if it’s walking every night after dinner.

And stop comparing how awesome you are compared to them. They feel that, and it may actually be demotivating.

OP here. I have actually tried the "walking after dinner" approach as something we could do together because I felt any other activity might be intimidating. But it ended up always being me that had to suggest it. And I felt like that came across as being obvious as to what I was really getting at so I dropped it.

And I never make comparisons. In fact, I will actively downplay any comment from my spouse that suggests that I am somehow "better" in that way. I make it a point not to mention any fitness accomplishments.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Make space for them to engage in self care. Set a good example without being preachy. Engage in healthy living and activities that encourage fitness together, even if it’s walking every night after dinner.

And stop comparing how awesome you are compared to them. They feel that, and it may actually be demotivating.

OP here. I have actually tried the "walking after dinner" approach as something we could do together because I felt any other activity might be intimidating. But it ended up always being me that had to suggest it. And I felt like that came across as being obvious as to what I was really getting at so I dropped it.

And I never make comparisons. In fact, I will actively downplay any comment from my spouse that suggests that I am somehow "better" in that way. I make it a point not to mention any fitness accomplishments.

That's silly. Did he say yes when you suggested it? Did you enjoy your walks together? Then why would you stop suggesting it? Just make it part of your routine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Make space for them to engage in self care. Set a good example without being preachy. Engage in healthy living and activities that encourage fitness together, even if it’s walking every night after dinner.

And stop comparing how awesome you are compared to them. They feel that, and it may actually be demotivating.

This. The "healthy" one often is completely blind to how much time they spend on their own self-care and how much slack the other spouse is picking up in that regard. After I had a baby my DH made some comment about how we never spend any time together when I started going back to the gym and I was so furious - he spent about 15 hours a week in various sports "training" regimens while I was exhausted and recovering. I told him flat out that his health was being prioritized at the expense of my own and he was being insanely selfish, and he's been really good about being cognizant of that ever since. As soon as DD could sit in a jogging stroller he started taking her with him on his long runs on the weekend, which is guaranteed uninterrupted time for me to get a workout in, stuff like that. But I know for a fact that he just thought that I didn't care about my fitness. It's so myopic and IME people who speak in terms of their elevated "fitness levels" are doing it on the backs of their SO's unpaid/unappreciated labor. While you're trying to PR somebody is keeping the family together behind your back.

My spouse works from home and has a fairly light work load, while I am at the office every day. We still split housework 50/50. And I make it a point to ensure that I work around our time together, not displace it. Sorry your husband did that but you're not describing my situation.

[Anonymous]

He might not like "working out." Are there sports or other physical activities he might enjoy? Martial arts? A runner's group? Hiking? Biking? Some kind of club/rec sport (kickball, dodgeball, Ultimate, soccer, softball, etc.)?

[Anonymous]

I think there is a balance. And it depends if you are a man or woman. Women are expected to look good and be in shape and many times happen to have more time to do so (SAHMs or less demanding careers), and frankly more motivation because of the societal expectations.

Men aren’t to the same extent. The men that are in great shape and take very good care of themselves, that I know, are pretty self centered and would not at all be surprised if they are cheaters.

So find a balance. I’m a SAHM in great shape. My DH works tons of hours- he keeps his weight and diet in check and makes sure to get a run in here and there. He isn’t winning Mr. Olympia, but he is healthy without sacrificing all his free time on his physique.

[Anonymous]

Do you have kids? My husband doesn't exercise but he walks our vm babies to sleep every night which is great exercise. We have had kids every 2 years since marriage which obviously doesn't work for everyone.

As they get older he is playing ball with the boys, running around with them.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I am a DH, so I was talking about DW. I have racked my brain to think of fun physical activities she'd enjoy, not just ones we would do together just because I enjoyed them. It's been a struggle to find something she'd be self-motivated to do. I'm not expecting anything to the level I take it because I'm just an active person by nature.

And to the PP who said that men who are in shape are self-centered, I'm the guy who never brings up any of my fitness achievements in conversation. DW will frequently do so, but I generally change the subject fairly quickly. So no, I am not self-centered thank you.

[Anonymous]

DH is fit, complains about lazy fat wife

DCUM: “How dare you body-shame her, she gained weight having your children, you should do more housework so she has time to exercise, you are not entitled to sex so go jerk off if she doesn’t attract you!”

DW is fit, complains about lazy fat husband

DCUM: “You should divorce him.”

[Anonymous]

I think your options are basically accept it or don't accept it.

I'm the wife in our case. I love exercising - I do it a couple hours every day. If my husband never got off the couch again, he'd be happy.

We've talked about it every which way and at the end of the day, it's just not up to me. He is his own person with his own body, and even if he'd be healthier - and would feel better about himself, and all those things - he's just not interested in exercising more. Or at all.

I don't know what else there is to do about it. You don't get to make someone else be who you want them to be, even if you sure do know what's good for them.

My advice for you and your wife is - just accept that she is who she is, and it's not the person who wants to exercise a lot. If you can't accept that, then - well, you know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think your options are basically accept it or don't accept it.

I'm the wife in our case. I love exercising - I do it a couple hours every day. If my husband never got off the couch again, he'd be happy.

We've talked about it every which way and at the end of the day, it's just not up to me. He is his own person with his own body, and even if he'd be healthier - and would feel better about himself, and all those things - he's just not interested in exercising more. Or at all.

I don't know what else there is to do about it. You don't get to make someone else be who you want them to be, even if you sure do know what's good for them.

My advice for you and your wife is - just accept that she is who she is, and it's not the person who wants to exercise a lot. If you can't accept that, then - well, you know.

I'm a planner by trade, and we always run "no-build" scenarios for any improvement we consider. I am aware that this might very well be such a case and I might have to accept it and move forward. But I thought it would be productive to at least try. I am not going to divorce over something like this, I know what battles to fight and which ones to concede.