Tips to deal with slightly eccentric husband

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My best friend is like this. It wasn't so apparent when we were growing up (she was UMC), but when she married someone just like her it got really intense. Living like grad students is very true. I love my best friend and I'm just mystified by her lifestyle. Every few years they just pack up the car and move to another city. They don't bring belongings. Everything is sparse in their homes, but it's because they want it that way and not poverty. He only wears white button downs. They eschew all adult responsibilities. Conversations get stranger every time I see them, such as: Why do you go to work? Are you just working to retire? Why pay taxes? She had their children at home, they homeschool and work just enough for food. They do have successful careers, and their careers allow them to pick up extra work if they want it.

I read a book once called "possum living" and it really summed up their lifestyle. I think what annoys me is that they're essentially using services that the rest of us pay for with taxes.

I hope your husband will change once your baby is born. "Nightly dinner sandwich" doesn't cut it when you need to eat as a family every night together. It seems like your husband wants to be more free spirited, so maybe you could do something that makes him feel that way. If he just keeps building up resentment, it will get worse. Also, he's probably feeling a bit tied down by the baby already. He doesn't know what it will be like and might be worried. I've heard lots of new dads say things like that

What services are those?

PP here. Roads, libraries, sidewalks, fire stations, police... I realize some of those are paid for by sales tax. The discussion we had was that they didn't want any taxes and didn't want to pay any. They don't pay federal or state income tax.

Also, someone can be your best friend and you don't agree with everything they think.

[Anonymous]

I have a DH who is an absentminded professor type who lives in his own head. He doesn't want to meal plan or think about buying household supplies but he doesn't object to my doing it and he'll do it if I prod him.

If you are thinking about having kids, I strongly recommend that you have a big talk about your concerns. Planning needs will get much much greater with kids, and if you don't agree on some changes, you will find yourself a single mother.

[Anonymous]

Hmm. I have a different take on this. It sounds like you have a vision for what it means to be an "adult" and you just assume that everyone has to do these things. These things are not required. You do not have to have curtains. You do not have to have shelves - you can pile books on the floor if you want. You do not need decor. You can buy household supplies at the grocery store as needed. You can have have takeout for dinner every night. You can do all these things and still be a responsible adult. I think step one is to recognize that his vision for life is 100% valid. Just because lots of people do things your way doesn't mean your way is objectively "right" - and I say this as someone who lives the way you want to.

Once you accept that both of your approaches to adult life are valid, then you have the face the fact that you're getting your way a huge amount of the time by constantly pushing and prodding him, and that is massively unfair. It sounds like you're unhappy pushing him, and he's VERY unhappy with this lifestyle that you've chosen for him, and you're both getting resentful.

So. Back up.

First of all, it seems you have a very good vision of how life your way would work. Great. Now - how would life his way work? Do you have a full vision for it? This is particularly important if you want or have small children. If the choice was entirely up to him, how would he handle food for the family with two kids? Would he still want takeout sandwiches every night for dinner? What about things like laundry? What's his approach there? Once you have a full view of how he would want your lives to look, it's compromise time. You do NOT get a happy marriage with this man where your home life looks like your vision. Where can you compromise? What's important to you? What stuff can you do independently? Maybe part of the answer is that things around the house that are optional are your responsibility, like hanging curtains and making shelves. Maybe there are some things you can do his way - might be reasonable to just decide to be family that doesn't cook and only eats out. Maybe there are some things he'd be willing to do your way.

Bottom line - if you want this marriage to succeed, you need to accept his preferences as valid, and move more towards his way of living. Or, accept that this is a truly irreconcilable difference, and split up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My best friend is like this. It wasn't so apparent when we were growing up (she was UMC), but when she married someone just like her it got really intense. Living like grad students is very true. I love my best friend and I'm just mystified by her lifestyle. Every few years they just pack up the car and move to another city. They don't bring belongings. Everything is sparse in their homes, but it's because they want it that way and not poverty. He only wears white button downs. They eschew all adult responsibilities. Conversations get stranger every time I see them, such as: Why do you go to work? Are you just working to retire? Why pay taxes? She had their children at home, they homeschool and work just enough for food. They do have successful careers, and their careers allow them to pick up extra work if they want it.

I read a book once called "possum living" and it really summed up their lifestyle. I think what annoys me is that they're essentially using services that the rest of us pay for with taxes.

I hope your husband will change once your baby is born. "Nightly dinner sandwich" doesn't cut it when you need to eat as a family every night together. It seems like your husband wants to be more free spirited, so maybe you could do something that makes him feel that way. If he just keeps building up resentment, it will get worse. Also, he's probably feeling a bit tied down by the baby already. He doesn't know what it will be like and might be worried. I've heard lots of new dads say things like that

Free spirited? OMG..DH is going to be in a shock after having a kid. No more free spirited. His former life will cease to exist and he will be living the boring “lifescript” that he is trying to avoid. I would be letting him know this now!

[Anonymous]

He sounds like he does have autism. Hyperfocus on a small range of topics, poor executive functioning, rigid thinking, and an inability to relate to other people's perspectives are all tipoffs. I would suggest you look into a counselor with experience with autistic adults.

[Anonymous]

Why on earth did you marry him?

If you want children, I would divorce him. Life will be miserable and he will be miserable.

[Anonymous]

Are you sure he isn’t on the Autism spectrum?

[Anonymous]

So who does he expect to run to the store for the one roll of TP or paper towels when you’re out? Does he do it? As to dinners, is he willing to go out every night for the families’ meals? If he’s leaving this up to you, he has no input into how you do it. Even if this includes stocking up. Either that or boy-child is spend 50% of his time running to the store. As far as “helping out”....just hire it out. That way he isn’t bothered. It’s only going to get so.much.worse with a kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You know your spouse best, of course, but please understand that having ADHD means you prioritize certain things because you can’t do it all. I have mild ADHD and I can get it together for work, like many people with ADHD, because it’s really important, and I can focus on things I love to do, but at home I fall apart and my house is a mess, because I hate tidying up and cleaning. ADHD means not having enough “bandwidth” to stay on top of typical sorting and organizational demands of the average person. Also, there is significant overlap in symptoms between inattentive ADHD and high-functioning autism, do sometimes it’s hard to tease out which is which... or sometimes, they’re comorbid.

+1

OP, this PP I quoted is spot-on. ADHD doesn't look the way you're envisioning.

[Anonymous]

I‘m like this. When I started dating my DH, I was sleeping on a mattress in my room because I never bothered to get a frame. I’m very clean but prefer a Spartan sort of existence I guess. My friends call it unsentimental. My DH decorated our whole house and cooks because I would eat sandwiches every day if it were up to me. I don’t like having things, but I respect my DH and children do. My DH doesn’t mind, because he cares about those things so he mostly decides.

The only thing I have is books (like everywhere, in every room). My DH installs bookshelves everywhere and the kids and I read mostly. So I guess it’s not all bad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I met my slightly eccentric husband, I found him charming. He is somewhat contrarian and very confident. He grooms himself well, he is not on the autism spectrum, so his eccentricity was not initially off putting. But now that we have been married for 6 years, his contempt for a typical family lifestyle of living is starting to really grate on me.

If he had his way, he would live like a graduate student for the rest of his life. Most adult responsibilities around caring for a home and family are superfluous in his view. A nursery for a baby with curtains? Shelves in the office? Completely unnecessary. Spending 2 hours helping me hang curtains is a HUGE sacrifice he can barely bring himself to do. Doing dishes and other routine chores is fine though (thank god for that).

In his mind I am having a blast wasting our money buying paper towels, coffee, toiletries, etc. on amazon instead of fulfilling a necessary responsibility. His preference would be to go to the grocery store and buy individual roles of paper towels as needed as he is picking up his nightly dinner sandwich. Stocking a kitchen pantry with food and home supplies? Making dinner nightly to be healthy and save money? This is apparently a complete waste of energy and not only do I get no appreciation for handling it, I actually deal wit his resentment about it.

During our marriage he has acquiesced to what 99% of people would consider to be normal way of living, but he apparently feels deeply burdened by it. He despises planning ahead and any encumbrances at all. And I apparently need to learn to give up some of these things or else he is going to keep being resentful.

He is apparently so resentful, that he doesn't even want to have sex frequently despite my willingness. So that can't keep him happy.

I am at my wits end, and don't know what to do. I am not willing to be a working mother and live like a graduate student making every decision in the moment and living in a sparse home with no maintenance on anything required. I cannot believe I married someone who finds basic adult responsibilities a massive sacrifice that he can't stomach.

Let's look at your things.

1) nursery for a baby with curtains in hardly a necessity. Free time is, and will be, scarce enough as it is. Why waste your time on stuff like this - or if it means something to you - why force him to care and duplicate your priorities. Now your kid is going to need a room. If he's not looking about getting a crib, figuring out where to change diapers, that's more concerning although some of these priorities he might care about once the kid is actually here.
2) shelves in the office? Why does this matter? If he doesn't want them, he doesn't have to have them. Now if he's complaining about stuff more than a one-off and refuses to do anything about them, that's one thing. But again, are you complaining that your priorities are not automatically shared?
3) Spending 2 hours hanging curtains is boring AF, and I've got three kids.
4) If he can do the basic maintenance chores happily and well, then have him do those. I assume of course he isn't drawing precise lines and demanding everything be done 50/50 No Matter What.
5) Do you have room to store things in bulk? Have you ever stored so much stuff that it literally goes bad - even things like detergent goes sub-optimal after a couple years. I'd remind your DH that grocery stores aren't always well-stocked - or, has he tried getting a Clorox wipe lately? You'd want to have three months' worth of non-perishables if at all possible.
6) As for his nightly sandwich - if it's something you can afford, it's not some $30 Super-Gourmet sandwich, and it gives him some meaning, let him buy his damn sandwich. His life is going to change enough as it is. The only real condition I'd put would be eat as a family or at least with you (I mean if the kid conks out at 430pm, you can't expect him to have dinner with the Whole Family like some Norman Rockwell painting or some memory of your childhood that probably dates to when you were 6-12 years old.) My wife and I have (well, had in the before times) a deal where I can have a reasonably priced lunch every now and then but I always eat dinner with her and whoever's up.

"During our marriage he has acquiesced to what 99% of people would consider to be normal way of living, but he apparently feels deeply burdened by it."

If he's gone along with what you want before, why are you harping on things now?

[Anonymous]

Are you sure you aren’t hormonal op? You liked your husband enough to get pregnant and hormones do weird things to women’s brains when we are pregnant.

I’m the wife of one of the posters, (the one who mentioned having 3 kids) and I’ve learned that men and women respond to pregnancy differently. It’s something nobody talks about and I wish they would.

As for curtains, hire someone to hang them. He shouldn’t have to help you.

As for the store and maintaining a home, did he grow up poor or as the child of divorce? I’ve known many kids from divorced homes who have no clue what needs to be done or even that things need to be done because all their time is having fun with their parents. They never hear words like “I don’t want to wait for the hvac guy either, but I do want a warm house this weekend” or “after I’m done paying bills, we can go someplace”.

When I read your bit about the sandwich, my first thought was “does he bring you anything too?” If not, that’s not nice. I agree with my husband, he must eat with you. Bad things happen to a couple when they don’t share meals together.

As for buying other things, if he grew up with little money or no place to store things or no assurance that whatever was stored would still be there when it was needed (think living with a druggie) why would he stock up? Not all things are worth stocking up on, though only buying one roll of toilet paper strikes me as odd. Are you sure he isn’t using his trips to the store to sneak off and do something that is inherently bad for him? I’d make sure he wasn’t using the ‘gotta run to the store” excuxe to engage in behavior that would cause him or the family financial, emotional or physical pain.


Finally, your husband may be mentally ill. It manisfests itself in some weird ways and is worth thinking about.

I know for me, the resentment directed at me and the little to no sex would be untennable.

Figure out what you can and cannot live with and act acordingly. The curtains and shelves are minor, the home stuff can be learned or understood even if he can’t or won’t do the work himself, the lack of sex and anger directed at you over basic life stuff is huge and should have been at the top of your (and my) post.

That is my list though and you will need to create your own.

[Anonymous]

What on earth was his family like when he was young and growing up? He seems to have really naive expectations of life with a kid or house. Yikes. Can Ny men talk with him about reality?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He probably has ADHD, which impacts his ability to plan ahead and organize the life of a household. Such mental disorders affect each person differently but I sense an executive function deficit and subsequent denial as a result. It’s sometimes easier to deny the need to do something instead of realizing one has a permanent condition and seek pharmacological treatment and behavioral change.

My husband and son have diagnosed ADHD and perhaps some Asperger’s tendencies and I’ve done a lot of research on it. While my husband seemed successful and functional as a bachelor, he cannot manage a household. He’s a doctor and wants to cook from scratch, plan ahead, limit waste, etc, but I end up scheduling and organizing because otherwise we run out of things and miss deadlines: he’s nearly always late to file taxes and pay bills, for example. He’s late to drop off or pick up his kids, and never remembers to schedule medical appointments. When he’s faced with something he really cannot do because of his ADHD, he will flat-out deny the need to do it, because psychologically he cannot face his inability, and it’s easier for him to be angry and blame others, than it is to accept his limitations and their consequences.

Medication works well for certain patients. If you suspect your husband had ADHD, you can suggest he see a psychiatrist to discuss the matter.

I promise he does not have ADHD nor autism spectrum. He plans ahead for work conferences and other long term responsibilities all the time. He just doesn’t LIKE having home responsibilities and commitments that lock him in if it doesn’t have to do with work.

How can you promise this. Did he have a neuropsych? Do you do neuropsych’s?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hmm. I have a different take on this. It sounds like you have a vision for what it means to be an "adult" and you just assume that everyone has to do these things. These things are not required. You do not have to have curtains. You do not have to have shelves - you can pile books on the floor if you want. You do not need decor. You can buy household supplies at the grocery store as needed. You can have have takeout for dinner every night. You can do all these things and still be a responsible adult. I think step one is to recognize that his vision for life is 100% valid. Just because lots of people do things your way doesn't mean your way is objectively "right" - and I say this as someone who lives the way you want to.

Once you accept that both of your approaches to adult life are valid, then you have the face the fact that you're getting your way a huge amount of the time by constantly pushing and prodding him, and that is massively unfair. It sounds like you're unhappy pushing him, and he's VERY unhappy with this lifestyle that you've chosen for him, and you're both getting resentful.

So. Back up.

First of all, it seems you have a very good vision of how life your way would work. Great. Now - how would life his way work? Do you have a full vision for it? This is particularly important if you want or have small children. If the choice was entirely up to him, how would he handle food for the family with two kids? Would he still want takeout sandwiches every night for dinner? What about things like laundry? What's his approach there? Once you have a full view of how he would want your lives to look, it's compromise time. You do NOT get a happy marriage with this man where your home life looks like your vision. Where can you compromise? What's important to you? What stuff can you do independently? Maybe part of the answer is that things around the house that are optional are your responsibility, like hanging curtains and making shelves. Maybe there are some things you can do his way - might be reasonable to just decide to be family that doesn't cook and only eats out. Maybe there are some things he'd be willing to do your way.

Bottom line - if you want this marriage to succeed, you need to accept his preferences as valid, and move more towards his way of living. Or, accept that this is a truly irreconcilable difference, and split up.

Unf you cannot reason with a person like Ops spouse.

You can’t show Method A and Method B and how Method A is 50% less costly and 75% less time consuming and expect him to give 2 Fs.

Take your pick OP, it will get much worse with a kid:
Misogyny
Narcissistic
ADHD
Austism
A-hole

Do NOT have two kids, you will be doing everything and if he’s a jerk about it as well, then divorce.he would be kind and incompetent not an incompetent jerk.