Tips to deal with slightly eccentric husband

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He probably has ADHD, which impacts his ability to plan ahead and organize the life of a household. Such mental disorders affect each person differently but I sense an executive function deficit and subsequent denial as a result. It’s sometimes easier to deny the need to do something instead of realizing one has a permanent condition and seek pharmacological treatment and behavioral change.

My husband and son have diagnosed ADHD and perhaps some Asperger’s tendencies and I’ve done a lot of research on it. While my husband seemed successful and functional as a bachelor, he cannot manage a household. He’s a doctor and wants to cook from scratch, plan ahead, limit waste, etc, but I end up scheduling and organizing because otherwise we run out of things and miss deadlines: he’s nearly always late to file taxes and pay bills, for example. He’s late to drop off or pick up his kids, and never remembers to schedule medical appointments. When he’s faced with something he really cannot do because of his ADHD, he will flat-out deny the need to do it, because psychologically he cannot face his inability, and it’s easier for him to be angry and blame others, than it is to accept his limitations and their consequences.

Medication works well for certain patients. If you suspect your husband had ADHD, you can suggest he see a psychiatrist to discuss the matter.

I promise he does not have ADHD nor autism spectrum. He plans ahead for work conferences and other long term responsibilities all the time. He just doesn’t LIKE having home responsibilities and commitments that lock him in if it doesn’t have to do with work.

How can you promise this. Did he have a neuropsych? Do you do neuropsych’s?

OP, you need to open your mind a little bit and learn more about ADHD and autism. You seem very convinced that he doesn't have it, but what you are saying indicates that you don't really understand autism.

The ability to hyperfocus on some things, and have nothing left for other things that aren't as interesting to the person, is a very common indicator. It doesn't mean he can't plan or focus at all. It means he doesn't have enough executive functioning ability to handle stuff for both work and home. Sometimes people do better with work because it's a narrower slice of life, and they may have support staff to help them with the details. He is avoiding home responsibility BECAUSE he can't handle it. He needs 100% flexibility and 100% attention on work to manage his work stuff BECAUSE it's such a struggle for him to manage it.

Also, his rigidity and unwillingness to consider your perspective and social norms more generally is also a hallmark of autism.

OP here. Forgive the brevity as I am typing from my phone but I hyperfocus and am quite rigid (hence his resentment) and yet I do not have autism. I also know many people on the spectrum. DH is NOT on the spectrum and no one who knows him would think so - he is very social and he can read social signals better than almost anyone I know. A case could be made for ADHD but even that I still don’t think so. His executive functioning is fine. He is able to hold multiple balls in the air just fine if he thinks the balls are important and he values them. I agree with a poster above that his preferences are valid just not MY preferences. Not having “socially acceptable” preferences doesn’t have to be pathologized.

He may have some misogyny - mom and grandma took care of him very well. Dad was always traveling for work and did zero at home. He helps out at home though but not things like curtains as stated.

To answer a PP’s question about what our life would look like his way - most meal decisions would be made on the fly. Laundry would be done when he realized someone was out of underwear. House would be SPARSE. Weekends would be totally unplanned. He would spend all his mental energy on his work, hobbies, and looking after kids. Our child is not born yet but I actually think he will be an involved father since he seems to value that very much.

I am just cranky. I don’t WANT to compromise. Geez maybe I am the one with autism. I feel like I NEED my orderly, planned environment. I hate winging everything. I have to reflect more on how I am going to address this problem.

I'm the "Hmm" poster from page 2 (12:20). The fits in with what I was thinking. Yeah, I think some reflection is in order, and a PP might be right about hormones - has this always bothered you to the extent it is now, and you're just realizing it's gonna be worse with a baby? Or did you used to be cool with it?

I think your best bet for a compromise is "zones" of responsibility. As a starting place - maybe you handle the house maintenance/decor/organization/stocking that seems very valuable to you, and in exchange, he's in charge of dealing with the house repairs that come up - broken water heater, fix the garbage disposal, that kinda stuff. That seems like it would work to your strengths. If you can afford it, hire out cleaners, and he handles picking up and things like dishes. Waiting until someone is out of something is a pretty solid approach to laundry - maybe that becomes his responsibility? You'll probably get stuck with the plan-y parts of children - doctors appointments, researching how to introduce solids, coming up with a plan for sleep training, so maybe he takes daycare drop off and pickup. And then maybe you take on all the cooking/meal planning.

I would definitely try to get these zones delineated before the baby comes.

Also - this only works if you let him sink or swim and solve his own messes. So - if he's in charge of laundry, when you use the second to last baby onesie, you say, "hey, we're almost out of baby onesies" and then you do NOTHING, you say nothing more. And then you use the last one. And then when you need another, you hand him a naked baby and say "we're out of onesies" and LET HIM FIGURE IT OUT. Maybe baby goes to daycare in jammies. Maybe he has to buy more. Hell, maybe she spends a day in her fancy Christmas dress cause it's the only thing that's clean. You do. not. solve. this. problem.

The above will work if he’s neurotypical. If it doesn’t work you’ll know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He probably has ADHD, which impacts his ability to plan ahead and organize the life of a household. Such mental disorders affect each person differently but I sense an executive function deficit and subsequent denial as a result. It’s sometimes easier to deny the need to do something instead of realizing one has a permanent condition and seek pharmacological treatment and behavioral change.

My husband and son have diagnosed ADHD and perhaps some Asperger’s tendencies and I’ve done a lot of research on it. While my husband seemed successful and functional as a bachelor, he cannot manage a household. He’s a doctor and wants to cook from scratch, plan ahead, limit waste, etc, but I end up scheduling and organizing because otherwise we run out of things and miss deadlines: he’s nearly always late to file taxes and pay bills, for example. He’s late to drop off or pick up his kids, and never remembers to schedule medical appointments. When he’s faced with something he really cannot do because of his ADHD, he will flat-out deny the need to do it, because psychologically he cannot face his inability, and it’s easier for him to be angry and blame others, than it is to accept his limitations and their consequences.

Medication works well for certain patients. If you suspect your husband had ADHD, you can suggest he see a psychiatrist to discuss the matter.

I promise he does not have ADHD nor autism spectrum. He plans ahead for work conferences and other long term responsibilities all the time. He just doesn’t LIKE having home responsibilities and commitments that lock him in if it doesn’t have to do with work.

How can you promise this. Did he have a neuropsych? Do you do neuropsych’s?

OP, you need to open your mind a little bit and learn more about ADHD and autism. You seem very convinced that he doesn't have it, but what you are saying indicates that you don't really understand autism.

The ability to hyperfocus on some things, and have nothing left for other things that aren't as interesting to the person, is a very common indicator. It doesn't mean he can't plan or focus at all. It means he doesn't have enough executive functioning ability to handle stuff for both work and home. Sometimes people do better with work because it's a narrower slice of life, and they may have support staff to help them with the details. He is avoiding home responsibility BECAUSE he can't handle it. He needs 100% flexibility and 100% attention on work to manage his work stuff BECAUSE it's such a struggle for him to manage it.

Also, his rigidity and unwillingness to consider your perspective and social norms more generally is also a hallmark of autism.

OP here. Forgive the brevity as I am typing from my phone but I hyperfocus and am quite rigid (hence his resentment) and yet I do not have autism. I also know many people on the spectrum. DH is NOT on the spectrum and no one who knows him would think so - he is very social and he can read social signals better than almost anyone I know. A case could be made for ADHD but even that I still don’t think so. His executive functioning is fine. He is able to hold multiple balls in the air just fine if he thinks the balls are important and he values them. I agree with a poster above that his preferences are valid just not MY preferences. Not having “socially acceptable” preferences doesn’t have to be pathologized.

He may have some misogyny - mom and grandma took care of him very well. Dad was always traveling for work and did zero at home. He helps out at home though but not things like curtains as stated.

To answer a PP’s question about what our life would look like his way - most meal decisions would be made on the fly. Laundry would be done when he realized someone was out of underwear. House would be SPARSE. Weekends would be totally unplanned. He would spend all his mental energy on his work, hobbies, and looking after kids. Our child is not born yet but I actually think he will be an involved father since he seems to value that very much.

I am just cranky. I don’t WANT to compromise. Geez maybe I am the one with autism. I feel like I NEED my orderly, planned environment. I hate winging everything. I have to reflect more on how I am going to address this problem.

He doesn’t care. He doesn’t care about anything. Other than himself. Why is that? He doesn’t care about anything most men and women care about. Why’s that? Sounds like a disorder.

Furthermore, you have ZERO evidence of his ability to “look after kids” by himself or be “an involved father.”

For shits and giggles ask him to define an involved father at the four basic childhood stages. He’ll recite some movie headlines. Then when you actually have a 2 yo, 6yo, 12 yo, 16 yo he’ll be busy and don’t bother him. He’ll come play when it’s convenient for him. Oh and he’ll take lots of photos for him mom when he does.

You will be the 100% caretaking, parent, disciplinary, teacher, role model, doctor, planner, sports coach, habit maker, kid conversationalist, friend maker, extracurricular chooser, etc. But he’ll think he’s involved because sometimes he’ll tag along when convenient to his personal demands.

You are getting very agitated and trying to diagnose someone you’ve never met. Perhaps so that you feel less alone in your plight with your husband? Do you not see how this is very inappropriate?

Furthermore, the things listed ARE NOT things most men care about. They are things MOST WOMEN care about and that some men go along with and some don’t.

[Anonymous]

I hang my own drapery rods. A tape measure, a level, battery operated drill/ screwdriver (DH gave it to me for Christmas one year) and a level. I don’t think household projects need to be a group activity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I met my slightly eccentric husband, I found him charming. He is somewhat contrarian and very confident. He grooms himself well, he is not on the autism spectrum, so his eccentricity was not initially off putting. But now that we have been married for 6 years, his contempt for a typical family lifestyle of living is starting to really grate on me.

If he had his way, he would live like a graduate student for the rest of his life. Most adult responsibilities around caring for a home and family are superfluous in his view. A nursery for a baby with curtains? Shelves in the office? Completely unnecessary. Spending 2 hours helping me hang curtains is a HUGE sacrifice he can barely bring himself to do. Doing dishes and other routine chores is fine though (thank god for that).

In his mind I am having a blast wasting our money buying paper towels, coffee, toiletries, etc. on amazon instead of fulfilling a necessary responsibility. His preference would be to go to the grocery store and buy individual roles of paper towels as needed as he is picking up his nightly dinner sandwich. Stocking a kitchen pantry with food and home supplies? Making dinner nightly to be healthy and save money? This is apparently a complete waste of energy and not only do I get no appreciation for handling it, I actually deal wit his resentment about it.

During our marriage he has acquiesced to what 99% of people would consider to be normal way of living, but he apparently feels deeply burdened by it. He despises planning ahead and any encumbrances at all. And I apparently need to learn to give up some of these things or else he is going to keep being resentful.

He is apparently so resentful, that he doesn't even want to have sex frequently despite my willingness. So that can't keep him happy.

I am at my wits end, and don't know what to do. I am not willing to be a working mother and live like a graduate student making every decision in the moment and living in a sparse home with no maintenance on anything required. I cannot believe I married someone who finds basic adult responsibilities a massive sacrifice that he can't stomach.

OP, the "tip" is that you guys need counseling stat, before your baby is born. Either you are overly dramatic and exaggerating his reaction to you wanting to buy paper towels, plan dinner, and hang curtains, or you are married to a huge a-hole. You try to claim that he can read and understand other people's emotional responses, yet he is withholding sex because he is mad that you want to buy a bookshelf? He is a selfish narcissist, and if you think your lifeis bad now wait until you are also trying to juggle a child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He probably has ADHD, which impacts his ability to plan ahead and organize the life of a household. Such mental disorders affect each person differently but I sense an executive function deficit and subsequent denial as a result. It’s sometimes easier to deny the need to do something instead of realizing one has a permanent condition and seek pharmacological treatment and behavioral change.

My husband and son have diagnosed ADHD and perhaps some Asperger’s tendencies and I’ve done a lot of research on it. While my husband seemed successful and functional as a bachelor, he cannot manage a household. He’s a doctor and wants to cook from scratch, plan ahead, limit waste, etc, but I end up scheduling and organizing because otherwise we run out of things and miss deadlines: he’s nearly always late to file taxes and pay bills, for example. He’s late to drop off or pick up his kids, and never remembers to schedule medical appointments. When he’s faced with something he really cannot do because of his ADHD, he will flat-out deny the need to do it, because psychologically he cannot face his inability, and it’s easier for him to be angry and blame others, than it is to accept his limitations and their consequences.

Medication works well for certain patients. If you suspect your husband had ADHD, you can suggest he see a psychiatrist to discuss the matter.

I promise he does not have ADHD nor autism spectrum. He plans ahead for work conferences and other long term responsibilities all the time. He just doesn’t LIKE having home responsibilities and commitments that lock him in if it doesn’t have to do with work.

How can you promise this. Did he have a neuropsych? Do you do neuropsych’s?

OP, you need to open your mind a little bit and learn more about ADHD and autism. You seem very convinced that he doesn't have it, but what you are saying indicates that you don't really understand autism.

The ability to hyperfocus on some things, and have nothing left for other things that aren't as interesting to the person, is a very common indicator. It doesn't mean he can't plan or focus at all. It means he doesn't have enough executive functioning ability to handle stuff for both work and home. Sometimes people do better with work because it's a narrower slice of life, and they may have support staff to help them with the details. He is avoiding home responsibility BECAUSE he can't handle it. He needs 100% flexibility and 100% attention on work to manage his work stuff BECAUSE it's such a struggle for him to manage it.

Also, his rigidity and unwillingness to consider your perspective and social norms more generally is also a hallmark of autism.

OP here. Forgive the brevity as I am typing from my phone but I hyperfocus and am quite rigid (hence his resentment) and yet I do not have autism. I also know many people on the spectrum. DH is NOT on the spectrum and no one who knows him would think so - he is very social and he can read social signals better than almost anyone I know. A case could be made for ADHD but even that I still don’t think so. His executive functioning is fine. He is able to hold multiple balls in the air just fine if he thinks the balls are important and he values them. I agree with a poster above that his preferences are valid just not MY preferences. Not having “socially acceptable” preferences doesn’t have to be pathologized.

He may have some misogyny - mom and grandma took care of him very well. Dad was always traveling for work and did zero at home. He helps out at home though but not things like curtains as stated.

To answer a PP’s question about what our life would look like his way - most meal decisions would be made on the fly. Laundry would be done when he realized someone was out of underwear. House would be SPARSE. Weekends would be totally unplanned. He would spend all his mental energy on his work, hobbies, and looking after kids. Our child is not born yet but I actually think he will be an involved father since he seems to value that very much.

I am just cranky. I don’t WANT to compromise. Geez maybe I am the one with autism. I feel like I NEED my orderly, planned environment. I hate winging everything. I have to reflect more on how I am going to address this problem.

He doesn’t care. He doesn’t care about anything. Other than himself. Why is that? He doesn’t care about anything most men and women care about. Why’s that? Sounds like a disorder.

Furthermore, you have ZERO evidence of his ability to “look after kids” by himself or be “an involved father.”

For shits and giggles ask him to define an involved father at the four basic childhood stages. He’ll recite some movie headlines. Then when you actually have a 2 yo, 6yo, 12 yo, 16 yo he’ll be busy and don’t bother him. He’ll come play when it’s convenient for him. Oh and he’ll take lots of photos for him mom when he does.

You will be the 100% caretaking, parent, disciplinary, teacher, role model, doctor, planner, sports coach, habit maker, kid conversationalist, friend maker, extracurricular chooser, etc. But he’ll think he’s involved because sometimes he’ll tag along when convenient to his personal demands.

You are getting very agitated and trying to diagnose someone you’ve never met. Perhaps so that you feel less alone in your plight with your husband? Do you not see how this is very inappropriate?

Furthermore, the things listed ARE NOT things most men care about. They are things MOST WOMEN care about and that some men go along with and some don’t.

DP. My DH doesn't give 2 craps about the carpet and furniture I just ordered. I might get a polite "Oh! Nice!" But he also doesn't degrade me and REFUSE TO HAVE SEX WITH ME because I like those things. OP's DH is beyond the pale. He sounds insufferable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He probably has ADHD, which impacts his ability to plan ahead and organize the life of a household. Such mental disorders affect each person differently but I sense an executive function deficit and subsequent denial as a result. It’s sometimes easier to deny the need to do something instead of realizing one has a permanent condition and seek pharmacological treatment and behavioral change.

My husband and son have diagnosed ADHD and perhaps some Asperger’s tendencies and I’ve done a lot of research on it. While my husband seemed successful and functional as a bachelor, he cannot manage a household. He’s a doctor and wants to cook from scratch, plan ahead, limit waste, etc, but I end up scheduling and organizing because otherwise we run out of things and miss deadlines: he’s nearly always late to file taxes and pay bills, for example. He’s late to drop off or pick up his kids, and never remembers to schedule medical appointments. When he’s faced with something he really cannot do because of his ADHD, he will flat-out deny the need to do it, because psychologically he cannot face his inability, and it’s easier for him to be angry and blame others, than it is to accept his limitations and their consequences.

Medication works well for certain patients. If you suspect your husband had ADHD, you can suggest he see a psychiatrist to discuss the matter.

I promise he does not have ADHD nor autism spectrum. He plans ahead for work conferences and other long term responsibilities all the time. He just doesn’t LIKE having home responsibilities and commitments that lock him in if it doesn’t have to do with work.

How can you promise this. Did he have a neuropsych? Do you do neuropsych’s?

OP, you need to open your mind a little bit and learn more about ADHD and autism. You seem very convinced that he doesn't have it, but what you are saying indicates that you don't really understand autism.

The ability to hyperfocus on some things, and have nothing left for other things that aren't as interesting to the person, is a very common indicator. It doesn't mean he can't plan or focus at all. It means he doesn't have enough executive functioning ability to handle stuff for both work and home. Sometimes people do better with work because it's a narrower slice of life, and they may have support staff to help them with the details. He is avoiding home responsibility BECAUSE he can't handle it. He needs 100% flexibility and 100% attention on work to manage his work stuff BECAUSE it's such a struggle for him to manage it.

Also, his rigidity and unwillingness to consider your perspective and social norms more generally is also a hallmark of autism.

OP here. Forgive the brevity as I am typing from my phone but I hyperfocus and am quite rigid (hence his resentment) and yet I do not have autism. I also know many people on the spectrum. DH is NOT on the spectrum and no one who knows him would think so - he is very social and he can read social signals better than almost anyone I know. A case could be made for ADHD but even that I still don’t think so. His executive functioning is fine. He is able to hold multiple balls in the air just fine if he thinks the balls are important and he values them. I agree with a poster above that his preferences are valid just not MY preferences. Not having “socially acceptable” preferences doesn’t have to be pathologized.

He may have some misogyny - mom and grandma took care of him very well. Dad was always traveling for work and did zero at home. He helps out at home though but not things like curtains as stated.

To answer a PP’s question about what our life would look like his way - most meal decisions would be made on the fly. Laundry would be done when he realized someone was out of underwear. House would be SPARSE. Weekends would be totally unplanned. He would spend all his mental energy on his work, hobbies, and looking after kids. Our child is not born yet but I actually think he will be an involved father since he seems to value that very much.

I am just cranky. I don’t WANT to compromise. Geez maybe I am the one with autism. I feel like I NEED my orderly, planned environment. I hate winging everything. I have to reflect more on how I am going to address this problem.

He doesn’t care. He doesn’t care about anything. Other than himself. Why is that? He doesn’t care about anything most men and women care about. Why’s that? Sounds like a disorder.

Furthermore, you have ZERO evidence of his ability to “look after kids” by himself or be “an involved father.”

For shits and giggles ask him to define an involved father at the four basic childhood stages. He’ll recite some movie headlines. Then when you actually have a 2 yo, 6yo, 12 yo, 16 yo he’ll be busy and don’t bother him. He’ll come play when it’s convenient for him. Oh and he’ll take lots of photos for him mom when he does.

You will be the 100% caretaking, parent, disciplinary, teacher, role model, doctor, planner, sports coach, habit maker, kid conversationalist, friend maker, extracurricular chooser, etc. But he’ll think he’s involved because sometimes he’ll tag along when convenient to his personal demands.

You are getting very agitated and trying to diagnose someone you’ve never met. Perhaps so that you feel less alone in your plight with your husband? Do you not see how this is very inappropriate?

Furthermore, the things listed ARE NOT things most men care about. They are things MOST WOMEN care about and that some men go along with and some don’t.

DP. My DH doesn't give 2 craps about the carpet and furniture I just ordered. I might get a polite "Oh! Nice!" But he also doesn't degrade me and REFUSE TO HAVE SEX WITH ME because I like those things. OP's DH is beyond the pale. He sounds insufferable.

This. Maybe he has autism, maybe he's just a jerk. But either way, it's going to be a very very difficult life, and I don't believe for one second that he's going to be even a minimally adequate father. Good parenting involves modeling appropriate interpersonal behavior and this is Not It.

[Anonymous]

OP this sounds like ADHD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He probably has ADHD, which impacts his ability to plan ahead and organize the life of a household. Such mental disorders affect each person differently but I sense an executive function deficit and subsequent denial as a result. It’s sometimes easier to deny the need to do something instead of realizing one has a permanent condition and seek pharmacological treatment and behavioral change.

My husband and son have diagnosed ADHD and perhaps some Asperger’s tendencies and I’ve done a lot of research on it. While my husband seemed successful and functional as a bachelor, he cannot manage a household. He’s a doctor and wants to cook from scratch, plan ahead, limit waste, etc, but I end up scheduling and organizing because otherwise we run out of things and miss deadlines: he’s nearly always late to file taxes and pay bills, for example. He’s late to drop off or pick up his kids, and never remembers to schedule medical appointments. When he’s faced with something he really cannot do because of his ADHD, he will flat-out deny the need to do it, because psychologically he cannot face his inability, and it’s easier for him to be angry and blame others, than it is to accept his limitations and their consequences.

Medication works well for certain patients. If you suspect your husband had ADHD, you can suggest he see a psychiatrist to discuss the matter.

I promise he does not have ADHD nor autism spectrum. He plans ahead for work conferences and other long term responsibilities all the time. He just doesn’t LIKE having home responsibilities and commitments that lock him in if it doesn’t have to do with work.

How can you promise this. Did he have a neuropsych? Do you do neuropsych’s?

OP, you need to open your mind a little bit and learn more about ADHD and autism. You seem very convinced that he doesn't have it, but what you are saying indicates that you don't really understand autism.

The ability to hyperfocus on some things, and have nothing left for other things that aren't as interesting to the person, is a very common indicator. It doesn't mean he can't plan or focus at all. It means he doesn't have enough executive functioning ability to handle stuff for both work and home. Sometimes people do better with work because it's a narrower slice of life, and they may have support staff to help them with the details. He is avoiding home responsibility BECAUSE he can't handle it. He needs 100% flexibility and 100% attention on work to manage his work stuff BECAUSE it's such a struggle for him to manage it.

Also, his rigidity and unwillingness to consider your perspective and social norms more generally is also a hallmark of autism.

OP here. Forgive the brevity as I am typing from my phone but I hyperfocus and am quite rigid (hence his resentment) and yet I do not have autism. I also know many people on the spectrum. DH is NOT on the spectrum and no one who knows him would think so - he is very social and he can read social signals better than almost anyone I know. A case could be made for ADHD but even that I still don’t think so. His executive functioning is fine. He is able to hold multiple balls in the air just fine if he thinks the balls are important and he values them. I agree with a poster above that his preferences are valid just not MY preferences. Not having “socially acceptable” preferences doesn’t have to be pathologized.

He may have some misogyny - mom and grandma took care of him very well. Dad was always traveling for work and did zero at home. He helps out at home though but not things like curtains as stated.

To answer a PP’s question about what our life would look like his way - most meal decisions would be made on the fly. Laundry would be done when he realized someone was out of underwear. House would be SPARSE. Weekends would be totally unplanned. He would spend all his mental energy on his work, hobbies, and looking after kids. Our child is not born yet but I actually think he will be an involved father since he seems to value that very much.

I am just cranky. I don’t WANT to compromise. Geez maybe I am the one with autism. I feel like I NEED my orderly, planned environment. I hate winging everything. I have to reflect more on how I am going to address this problem.

He doesn’t care. He doesn’t care about anything. Other than himself. Why is that? He doesn’t care about anything most men and women care about. Why’s that? Sounds like a disorder.

Furthermore, you have ZERO evidence of his ability to “look after kids” by himself or be “an involved father.”

For shits and giggles ask him to define an involved father at the four basic childhood stages. He’ll recite some movie headlines. Then when you actually have a 2 yo, 6yo, 12 yo, 16 yo he’ll be busy and don’t bother him. He’ll come play when it’s convenient for him. Oh and he’ll take lots of photos for him mom when he does.

You will be the 100% caretaking, parent, disciplinary, teacher, role model, doctor, planner, sports coach, habit maker, kid conversationalist, friend maker, extracurricular chooser, etc. But he’ll think he’s involved because sometimes he’ll tag along when convenient to his personal demands.

You are getting very agitated and trying to diagnose someone you’ve never met. Perhaps so that you feel less alone in your plight with your husband? Do you not see how this is very inappropriate?

Furthermore, the things listed ARE NOT things most men care about. They are things MOST WOMEN care about and that some men go along with and some don’t.

DP. My DH doesn't give 2 craps about the carpet and furniture I just ordered. I might get a polite "Oh! Nice!" But he also doesn't degrade me and REFUSE TO HAVE SEX WITH ME because I like those things. OP's DH is beyond the pale. He sounds insufferable.

This. Maybe he has autism, maybe he's just a jerk. But either way, it's going to be a very very difficult life, and I don't believe for one second that he's going to be even a minimally adequate father. Good parenting involves modeling appropriate interpersonal behavior and this is Not It.

Yes. A normal response is to feign interest out of politeness and caring for the other person, and to be self-aware enough to understand that the other person's preferences matter and that living like a normal human being with furniture is a reasonable expectation in a marriage. Ideally, the politeness and feigned interest would be adequate to maintain the wife's willingness to have sex! To be an oblivious jerk to your wife and then also refuse to have sex with her because she's doing normal human things like buying multiple rolls of paper towels, makes no sense at all. Why even have a wife if you're going to be like that?

Encumbrance, thy name is Baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I‘m like this. When I started dating my DH, I was sleeping on a mattress in my room because I never bothered to get a frame. I’m very clean but prefer a Spartan sort of existence I guess. My friends call it unsentimental. My DH decorated our whole house and cooks because I would eat sandwiches every day if it were up to me. I don’t like having things, but I respect my DH and children do. My DH doesn’t mind, because he cares about those things so he mostly decides.

The only thing I have is books (like everywhere, in every room). My DH installs bookshelves everywhere and the kids and I read mostly. So I guess it’s not all bad.

I feel like I have read this thread and this PP in that thread before...

[Anonymous]

This is not on the spectrum. This is narcissism. They are charming when they want/need to be, and function fine for things that matter to them. If he isn’t even having sex with you, things are getting bad.

[Anonymous]

This is really good advice OP.

My aspie husband managed to say all the right things before kids came and the separation of chores wasn't bad, like 60-40. However, its hard to imagine all the extra tasks that come with kids and how truly and wildly exhausting it is to shoulder alone. There is no end to it.

I dont have curtain rods, or curtains, bc my husband doesn't think these are important. As well as several lights in major areas, etc.

Paper towels are the least of your problems. Put them on amazon. FWIW my husband also doesn't like those, so I use the blue fuzzy cleaning cloths called zwipes. I also buy paper towels on auto supply, along with every other recurring cleaning supply.

He doesn't think I need haircuts or clothes. I have shouldered a lot of guilt about these basics for a long time. It has come with a wierd price tag socially.

I had to fight a ton about basic clothes and toys for our children. Thank God we lived in a place where people shared stuff a lot with each other.

Yardwork? Lol. When he had his bachelor pad, no prob. He mowed it himself. Now that we have a family house? Epic disaster. I have set up.recurring mowers several times, we are finally on a decent group. And obviously when I say "we", I am sure you understand by now that it is all me.

Car maintenance is a newer issue for us. Gone are the days when he happily takes my car to the shop. Its obviously a but more awkward, as we have children and do not live in a walkable spot, so now is when I really need it. I am trying to figure that one out, maybe a newer car with some sort of extra transportation service bells and whistles.

It has taken us 11 years to get a diagnosis.

His social skills have gone from decent and charmingly eccentric, to pretty much Larry David and worse.

I am so lonely, in so.many ways. It is more socially isolating than a divorce.

He is rotten with the kids. It's not good.

Good luck OP. at the very least make a list of his preferences and negotiate something for you in return.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is not on the spectrum. This is narcissism. They are charming when they want/need to be, and function fine for things that matter to them. If he isn’t even having sex with you, things are getting bad.

ASD absolutely presents as selfish narcissism. Many articles out there on this and how to tell the difference- narcs sweet talk you to get what they want, ASDs don’t care enough to do that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is not on the spectrum. This is narcissism. They are charming when they want/need to be, and function fine for things that matter to them. If he isn’t even having sex with you, things are getting bad.

Charming to outsiders and a hole to wives is bipolar, a common comorbidity with aspergers. They can be having a temper tantrum at you about how they don’t want to do something they had agreed to do, a phone will ring, and in two seconds they are on the phone talking like Jekyll and Hyde.

[Anonymous]

This armchair diagnosing in this thread has reached hilarity!!

ADHD, Narcissism, ASD, and now Bipolar!!

[Anonymous]

Common combo.
80% divorce rate.