Tips to deal with slightly eccentric husband

[Anonymous]

Op - you are describing classic ASD behavior. my recent XH is on the spectrum - I did a lot of reading / exploration of this during our 11 year marriage. Why are you insisting he isn’t on the spectrum?

[Anonymous]

My husband must be a saint for hanging our curtains

[Anonymous]

This is OP. Thanks for the recent responses of commiseration. Things are mostly the same although he is great with our baby at least.

As a poster said a few responses up, you really can’t make it work with someone who just can’t see someone else’s needs. I do not see my marriage lasting and I’be pretty much made peace with it. Thank god I stumbled into a high paying career. I can keep our house and he can go live in some unadorned apartment down the road.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. Thanks for the recent responses of commiseration. Things are mostly the same although he is great with our baby at least.

As a poster said a few responses up, you really can’t make it work with someone who just can’t see someone else’s needs. I do not see my marriage lasting and I’be pretty much made peace with it. Thank god I stumbled into a high paying career. I can keep our house and he can go live in some unadorned apartment down the road.

Thanks for the update, OP. I hope it all works out well for you. Sorry your DH is so lame. Congratulations on your baby!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, watch some of Tony Attwood's videos.

+1. Join a neurotypical married to aspergers spouse group. For your sanity and clarity. Also go out w your friends more, don’t forget how to have normal conversations. My MiL is a shell of a person after 40+ years of lunacy in her house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He probably has ADHD, which impacts his ability to plan ahead and organize the life of a household. Such mental disorders affect each person differently but I sense an executive function deficit and subsequent denial as a result. It’s sometimes easier to deny the need to do something instead of realizing one has a permanent condition and seek pharmacological treatment and behavioral change.

My husband and son have diagnosed ADHD and perhaps some Asperger’s tendencies and I’ve done a lot of research on it. While my husband seemed successful and functional as a bachelor, he cannot manage a household. He’s a doctor and wants to cook from scratch, plan ahead, limit waste, etc, but I end up scheduling and organizing because otherwise we run out of things and miss deadlines: he’s nearly always late to file taxes and pay bills, for example. He’s late to drop off or pick up his kids, and never remembers to schedule medical appointments. When he’s faced with something he really cannot do because of his ADHD, he will flat-out deny the need to do it, because psychologically he cannot face his inability, and it’s easier for him to be angry and blame others, than it is to accept his limitations and their consequences.

Medication works well for certain patients. If you suspect your husband had ADHD, you can suggest he see a psychiatrist to discuss the matter.

I promise he does not have ADHD nor autism spectrum. He plans ahead for work conferences and other long term responsibilities all the time. He just doesn’t LIKE having home responsibilities and commitments that lock him in if it doesn’t have to do with work.

How can you promise this. Did he have a neuropsych? Do you do neuropsych’s?

OP, you need to open your mind a little bit and learn more about ADHD and autism. You seem very convinced that he doesn't have it, but what you are saying indicates that you don't really understand autism.

The ability to hyperfocus on some things, and have nothing left for other things that aren't as interesting to the person, is a very common indicator. It doesn't mean he can't plan or focus at all. It means he doesn't have enough executive functioning ability to handle stuff for both work and home. Sometimes people do better with work because it's a narrower slice of life, and they may have support staff to help them with the details. He is avoiding home responsibility BECAUSE he can't handle it. He needs 100% flexibility and 100% attention on work to manage his work stuff BECAUSE it's such a struggle for him to manage it.

Also, his rigidity and unwillingness to consider your perspective and social norms more generally is also a hallmark of autism.

OP here. Forgive the brevity as I am typing from my phone but I hyperfocus and am quite rigid (hence his resentment) and yet I do not have autism. I also know many people on the spectrum. DH is NOT on the spectrum and no one who knows him would think so - he is very social and he can read social signals better than almost anyone I know. A case could be made for ADHD but even that I still don’t think so. His executive functioning is fine. He is able to hold multiple balls in the air just fine if he thinks the balls are important and he values them. I agree with a poster above that his preferences are valid just not MY preferences. Not having “socially acceptable” preferences doesn’t have to be pathologized.

He may have some misogyny - mom and grandma took care of him very well. Dad was always traveling for work and did zero at home. He helps out at home though but not things like curtains as stated.

To answer a PP’s question about what our life would look like his way - most meal decisions would be made on the fly. Laundry would be done when he realized someone was out of underwear. House would be SPARSE. Weekends would be totally unplanned. He would spend all his mental energy on his work, hobbies, and looking after kids. Our child is not born yet but I actually think he will be an involved father since he seems to value that very much.

I am just cranky. I don’t WANT to compromise. Geez maybe I am the one with autism. I feel like I NEED my orderly, planned environment. I hate winging everything. I have to reflect more on how I am going to address this problem.

I am actually get narcissistic vibes from him, and he is gas lighting you.

The withholding sex is very weird.

And don’t get me started on nightly dinner sandwiches. WTAF.

I lived crazy Spartan before wife (mattress on floor, steel shelving furniture, etc), but we are building a home together and my greatest goal is her (and then by extension the kids) happiness. The things you ask of him are trivial sacrifices of time and effort, yes he is acting so put out he refuses sex???

Hence I don’t think autism, but something more deep rooted.

[Anonymous]

Hi hon,

I’m 15 years into this marriage (he’s also a theorist, I’m like you in terms of the expectations) so allow me to give you a preview. With each successive kid, he has picked up more skills. I handled his obliviousness to things like making a home, raising the kids, and having a community/social life by outsourcing what I can and training him to take care of concrete routine tasks. He now loads the laundry, cleans up after dinner, does weekday cooking and shopping, and wrangles the kids in the morning. He may not know if we have furniture or not — and yes, we kept our Craigslist grad school furniture for years — but he stocks the pantry. I tidy, organize, and furnish the home, take care of any education or parenting-related research, do holidays and birthdays and social calendar, keep an eye on house/yard maintenance (largely beneath his radar, though once identified, researched, etc. he can execute), take care of all child-related needs (from childcare, school, camp, health to clothes, toys, books, shoes, supplies, etc.), and work full time. I basically told him that I could not have my career and be CEO of the home and family if he didn’t step up on the day to day tasks. It’s impossible, especially with multiple kids.

He is a good and hands on dad. By modern standards he does plenty. However the general obliviousness and lack of vision for the family — our home, what we should do on weekends, what our life together could feel or look like — does still wear on me. I feel it in practical areas, like home repair issues he’s assumed “responsibility” for that blossom into disasters that take many months to fix. Or a pandemic comes, and he doesn’t realize we need to get masks, etc. He wouldn’t realize that we need a fire extinguisher and a first aid kit. He’s not going to organize a BBQ or build something for your stir crazy kids to play on outside during COVID. Every little thing has to be introduced as to an alien visiting from another planet.

I agree a little bit with the PP who said you’ll need to adjust your expectations. Do not expect him to be able to envision your home life or anticipate the family’s basic needs. Do anticipate a lonely road ahead of steering the course yourself (and get a good community of women to help). Accept that he will seem detached and even resentful about the additional demands on his time and mental energy, demands that simply don’t seem necessary or intuitive to him. And remain hopeful that he can be programmed over time to incorporate more and more routine tasks into his repertoire, freeing you up to create the kind of nurturing home and family life that you need.

In short, I wish I had understood and accepted his limitations earlier on, dropped the expectations that lead to resentment, and been more clear with myself that my needs in terms of home and family would be my responsibility. He can at best give you more time to manage all of it, but in the end he doesn’t sound like he’s going to put his heart into all the things you have in mind. And maybe over time you can accept that his heart is there when it counts.

[Anonymous]

Oh, and re: divorce and seeing other people’s needs — think carefully about what you want here. Every man is going to have a shortcoming that will matter for you. What you need to work out is whether he’s willing to try enough to make you feel seen. That might mean a lot of different things to you — therapy for him, a commitment to spend X amount of time building the relationship per day (you decide on the rotation of activities), explicit requests for whatever your love language is. I have come to the decision that divorce and co-parenting is not easier at all, and that I have the freedom within this marriage to make what I want of it. YMMV, but don’t be black and white about it...because that could end with no one ever being quite good enough.

[Anonymous]

A handful of us on here need to form a socially distanced meet up group, twice a month 8:30pm drink outside and chat.
I am at a loss for a oth forward and still mourning my lack of life partner, present father or husband and the constant let downs, disasters and his rage if even asked a question. For the last year he ignores everyone and just does office work 6am to 6pm, eats dinner in five kind, reads his phone until the kids go to bed then passes out in front of the tV. He gets raging mad if asked to clean up after himself or do something for the house or family. We have young daughters who love when he actually looks at them and gives him big hugs begging for attention; I greatly worry they will need therapy at the right point to understand his neglect/short Disney dad time cycle.

He has no parenting skills, is a complete pushover or kids fight when he is the handling the morning or bedtime. He has no clue about their sports, friends, grade, school and if I bring up an issue he calls me crazy. He has a Dx, we were hoping for treatable ADHd but it was Asd/bipolar.

[Anonymous]

And he our course thinks the neuropsych is wrong and he was “put up to it” and I’m the one who’s crazy and needs a neuropsych.

He sat there for 60 mins while the psychologist went over the test results with us and what it means for both of us and what next steps (read about aspergers, get a PhD asd therapist, continue anti anger meds), and he said nOTHING.

I asked a few questions and agreed with the Dx. I still don’t understand how it leads to so much chronic attention issues or so much verbal abuse/anger lashouts.

I doubt he read the full 10 page report. He prob still thinks his IQ is 200 since he’s been told how book smart he is his whole life. It’s not, it’s average.

[Anonymous]

oP watch out for your kids condition, many of these are highly heritable and early intervention therapies can make a big difference for functioning in the real world world places and relationships.

Look at one side of our kids family tree the HFA is very apparent. Unf an HfA parent “raising” HFA kids is very laid back and leads to codependencies and enablement that can last for decades. There’s essentially no adult in the room, ever.

[Anonymous]

People should really get to know one another before tying the knot. He sounds awful. Sorry you made that choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A handful of us on here need to form a socially distanced meet up group, twice a month 8:30pm drink outside and chat.
I am at a loss for a oth forward and still mourning my lack of life partner, present father or husband and the constant let downs, disasters and his rage if even asked a question. For the last year he ignores everyone and just does office work 6am to 6pm, eats dinner in five kind, reads his phone until the kids go to bed then passes out in front of the tV. He gets raging mad if asked to clean up after himself or do something for the house or family. We have young daughters who love when he actually looks at them and gives him big hugs begging for attention; I greatly worry they will need therapy at the right point to understand his neglect/short Disney dad time cycle.

He has no parenting skills, is a complete pushover or kids fight when he is the handling the morning or bedtime. He has no clue about their sports, friends, grade, school and if I bring up an issue he calls me crazy. He has a Dx, we were hoping for treatable ADHd but it was Asd/bipolar.

Who did you use to get the dx if you don’t mind or do you generally have recommendations? I made an appt for my dh who had many of the traits identified here but he refused to show up but I’d like to try again