Tips to deal with slightly eccentric husband

[Anonymous]

What was the family dynamic growing up? Was his dad just expected to work while his mom took care of everything else? This could be a contributing factor. My DH considers certain things “women’s work” and won’t do it. I wouldn’t dream of asking for help with curtains. He won’t do any family related planning either unless I tell him to do something very specific: book a hotel in this city for these dates, make a doctor appointment for our kid for next week, etc. There is zero initiative unless it’s his work or hobbies. It’s exhausting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He probably has ADHD, which impacts his ability to plan ahead and organize the life of a household. Such mental disorders affect each person differently but I sense an executive function deficit and subsequent denial as a result. It’s sometimes easier to deny the need to do something instead of realizing one has a permanent condition and seek pharmacological treatment and behavioral change.

My husband and son have diagnosed ADHD and perhaps some Asperger’s tendencies and I’ve done a lot of research on it. While my husband seemed successful and functional as a bachelor, he cannot manage a household. He’s a doctor and wants to cook from scratch, plan ahead, limit waste, etc, but I end up scheduling and organizing because otherwise we run out of things and miss deadlines: he’s nearly always late to file taxes and pay bills, for example. He’s late to drop off or pick up his kids, and never remembers to schedule medical appointments. When he’s faced with something he really cannot do because of his ADHD, he will flat-out deny the need to do it, because psychologically he cannot face his inability, and it’s easier for him to be angry and blame others, than it is to accept his limitations and their consequences.

Medication works well for certain patients. If you suspect your husband had ADHD, you can suggest he see a psychiatrist to discuss the matter.

I promise he does not have ADHD nor autism spectrum. He plans ahead for work conferences and other long term responsibilities all the time. He just doesn’t LIKE having home responsibilities and commitments that lock him in if it doesn’t have to do with work.

How can you promise this. Did he have a neuropsych? Do you do neuropsych’s?

OP, you need to open your mind a little bit and learn more about ADHD and autism. You seem very convinced that he doesn't have it, but what you are saying indicates that you don't really understand autism.

The ability to hyperfocus on some things, and have nothing left for other things that aren't as interesting to the person, is a very common indicator. It doesn't mean he can't plan or focus at all. It means he doesn't have enough executive functioning ability to handle stuff for both work and home. Sometimes people do better with work because it's a narrower slice of life, and they may have support staff to help them with the details. He is avoiding home responsibility BECAUSE he can't handle it. He needs 100% flexibility and 100% attention on work to manage his work stuff BECAUSE it's such a struggle for him to manage it.

Also, his rigidity and unwillingness to consider your perspective and social norms more generally is also a hallmark of autism.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He probably has ADHD, which impacts his ability to plan ahead and organize the life of a household. Such mental disorders affect each person differently but I sense an executive function deficit and subsequent denial as a result. It’s sometimes easier to deny the need to do something instead of realizing one has a permanent condition and seek pharmacological treatment and behavioral change.

My husband and son have diagnosed ADHD and perhaps some Asperger’s tendencies and I’ve done a lot of research on it. While my husband seemed successful and functional as a bachelor, he cannot manage a household. He’s a doctor and wants to cook from scratch, plan ahead, limit waste, etc, but I end up scheduling and organizing because otherwise we run out of things and miss deadlines: he’s nearly always late to file taxes and pay bills, for example. He’s late to drop off or pick up his kids, and never remembers to schedule medical appointments. When he’s faced with something he really cannot do because of his ADHD, he will flat-out deny the need to do it, because psychologically he cannot face his inability, and it’s easier for him to be angry and blame others, than it is to accept his limitations and their consequences.

Medication works well for certain patients. If you suspect your husband had ADHD, you can suggest he see a psychiatrist to discuss the matter.

I promise he does not have ADHD nor autism spectrum. He plans ahead for work conferences and other long term responsibilities all the time. He just doesn’t LIKE having home responsibilities and commitments that lock him in if it doesn’t have to do with work.

How can you promise this. Did he have a neuropsych? Do you do neuropsych’s?

OP, you need to open your mind a little bit and learn more about ADHD and autism. You seem very convinced that he doesn't have it, but what you are saying indicates that you don't really understand autism.

The ability to hyperfocus on some things, and have nothing left for other things that aren't as interesting to the person, is a very common indicator. It doesn't mean he can't plan or focus at all. It means he doesn't have enough executive functioning ability to handle stuff for both work and home. Sometimes people do better with work because it's a narrower slice of life, and they may have support staff to help them with the details. He is avoiding home responsibility BECAUSE he can't handle it. He needs 100% flexibility and 100% attention on work to manage his work stuff BECAUSE it's such a struggle for him to manage it.

Also, his rigidity and unwillingness to consider your perspective and social norms more generally is also a hallmark of autism.

OP here. Forgive the brevity as I am typing from my phone but I hyperfocus and am quite rigid (hence his resentment) and yet I do not have autism. I also know many people on the spectrum. DH is NOT on the spectrum and no one who knows him would think so - he is very social and he can read social signals better than almost anyone I know. A case could be made for ADHD but even that I still don’t think so. His executive functioning is fine. He is able to hold multiple balls in the air just fine if he thinks the balls are important and he values them. I agree with a poster above that his preferences are valid just not MY preferences. Not having “socially acceptable” preferences doesn’t have to be pathologized.

He may have some misogyny - mom and grandma took care of him very well. Dad was always traveling for work and did zero at home. He helps out at home though but not things like curtains as stated.

To answer a PP’s question about what our life would look like his way - most meal decisions would be made on the fly. Laundry would be done when he realized someone was out of underwear. House would be SPARSE. Weekends would be totally unplanned. He would spend all his mental energy on his work, hobbies, and looking after kids. Our child is not born yet but I actually think he will be an involved father since he seems to value that very much.

I am just cranky. I don’t WANT to compromise. Geez maybe I am the one with autism. I feel like I NEED my orderly, planned environment. I hate winging everything. I have to reflect more on how I am going to address this problem.

[Anonymous]

Again, the ability to do executive functioning but only on topics of interest or value to the person is a hallmark of autism and ADHD. It doesn't disprove it.

I'm curious why he wanted to marry you, since you seem so incompatible with each other. Was his plan to bully you into going along with his preferences?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He probably has ADHD, which impacts his ability to plan ahead and organize the life of a household. Such mental disorders affect each person differently but I sense an executive function deficit and subsequent denial as a result. It’s sometimes easier to deny the need to do something instead of realizing one has a permanent condition and seek pharmacological treatment and behavioral change.

My husband and son have diagnosed ADHD and perhaps some Asperger’s tendencies and I’ve done a lot of research on it. While my husband seemed successful and functional as a bachelor, he cannot manage a household. He’s a doctor and wants to cook from scratch, plan ahead, limit waste, etc, but I end up scheduling and organizing because otherwise we run out of things and miss deadlines: he’s nearly always late to file taxes and pay bills, for example. He’s late to drop off or pick up his kids, and never remembers to schedule medical appointments. When he’s faced with something he really cannot do because of his ADHD, he will flat-out deny the need to do it, because psychologically he cannot face his inability, and it’s easier for him to be angry and blame others, than it is to accept his limitations and their consequences.

Medication works well for certain patients. If you suspect your husband had ADHD, you can suggest he see a psychiatrist to discuss the matter.

I promise he does not have ADHD nor autism spectrum. He plans ahead for work conferences and other long term responsibilities all the time. He just doesn’t LIKE having home responsibilities and commitments that lock him in if it doesn’t have to do with work.

How can you promise this. Did he have a neuropsych? Do you do neuropsych’s?

OP, you need to open your mind a little bit and learn more about ADHD and autism. You seem very convinced that he doesn't have it, but what you are saying indicates that you don't really understand autism.

The ability to hyperfocus on some things, and have nothing left for other things that aren't as interesting to the person, is a very common indicator. It doesn't mean he can't plan or focus at all. It means he doesn't have enough executive functioning ability to handle stuff for both work and home. Sometimes people do better with work because it's a narrower slice of life, and they may have support staff to help them with the details. He is avoiding home responsibility BECAUSE he can't handle it. He needs 100% flexibility and 100% attention on work to manage his work stuff BECAUSE it's such a struggle for him to manage it.

Also, his rigidity and unwillingness to consider your perspective and social norms more generally is also a hallmark of autism.

Amen.

Wife of aspie here.

[Anonymous]

This sounds like simple incompatibility. Predictably, multiple posters claim if a DH prefers anything to be done differently than a DW he MUST have autism or ADHD. No, just sounds like he doesn’t care about curtains or shelves or stocking a pantry. Perfectly functional adult who just doesn’t care about the things you care about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Again, the ability to do executive functioning but only on topics of interest or value to the person is a hallmark of autism and ADHD. It doesn't disprove it.

I'm curious why he wanted to marry you, since you seem so incompatible with each other. Was his plan to bully you into going along with his preferences?

I’m sorry but not doing something you don’t value is HARDLY sufficient for autism or ADHD. As someone else pointed out other explanations are - stubborn, selfish, lazy, fed up, etc. etc. etc.

If I sound defensive about this it is because I read this board a lot and there is a crowd with an Autism and aDHD hammer and there are nails all over. It irritates me.

[Anonymous]

Don’t have children with him. Life will be miserable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He probably has ADHD, which impacts his ability to plan ahead and organize the life of a household. Such mental disorders affect each person differently but I sense an executive function deficit and subsequent denial as a result. It’s sometimes easier to deny the need to do something instead of realizing one has a permanent condition and seek pharmacological treatment and behavioral change.

My husband and son have diagnosed ADHD and perhaps some Asperger’s tendencies and I’ve done a lot of research on it. While my husband seemed successful and functional as a bachelor, he cannot manage a household. He’s a doctor and wants to cook from scratch, plan ahead, limit waste, etc, but I end up scheduling and organizing because otherwise we run out of things and miss deadlines: he’s nearly always late to file taxes and pay bills, for example. He’s late to drop off or pick up his kids, and never remembers to schedule medical appointments. When he’s faced with something he really cannot do because of his ADHD, he will flat-out deny the need to do it, because psychologically he cannot face his inability, and it’s easier for him to be angry and blame others, than it is to accept his limitations and their consequences.

Medication works well for certain patients. If you suspect your husband had ADHD, you can suggest he see a psychiatrist to discuss the matter.

I promise he does not have ADHD nor autism spectrum. He plans ahead for work conferences and other long term responsibilities all the time. He just doesn’t LIKE having home responsibilities and commitments that lock him in if it doesn’t have to do with work.

How can you promise this. Did he have a neuropsych? Do you do neuropsych’s?

OP, you need to open your mind a little bit and learn more about ADHD and autism. You seem very convinced that he doesn't have it, but what you are saying indicates that you don't really understand autism.

The ability to hyperfocus on some things, and have nothing left for other things that aren't as interesting to the person, is a very common indicator. It doesn't mean he can't plan or focus at all. It means he doesn't have enough executive functioning ability to handle stuff for both work and home. Sometimes people do better with work because it's a narrower slice of life, and they may have support staff to help them with the details. He is avoiding home responsibility BECAUSE he can't handle it. He needs 100% flexibility and 100% attention on work to manage his work stuff BECAUSE it's such a struggle for him to manage it.

Also, his rigidity and unwillingness to consider your perspective and social norms more generally is also a hallmark of autism.

OP here. Forgive the brevity as I am typing from my phone but I hyperfocus and am quite rigid (hence his resentment) and yet I do not have autism. I also know many people on the spectrum. DH is NOT on the spectrum and no one who knows him would think so - he is very social and he can read social signals better than almost anyone I know. A case could be made for ADHD but even that I still don’t think so. His executive functioning is fine. He is able to hold multiple balls in the air just fine if he thinks the balls are important and he values them. I agree with a poster above that his preferences are valid just not MY preferences. Not having “socially acceptable” preferences doesn’t have to be pathologized.

He may have some misogyny - mom and grandma took care of him very well. Dad was always traveling for work and did zero at home. He helps out at home though but not things like curtains as stated.

To answer a PP’s question about what our life would look like his way - most meal decisions would be made on the fly. Laundry would be done when he realized someone was out of underwear. House would be SPARSE. Weekends would be totally unplanned. He would spend all his mental energy on his work, hobbies, and looking after kids. Our child is not born yet but I actually think he will be an involved father since he seems to value that very much.

I am just cranky. I don’t WANT to compromise. Geez maybe I am the one with autism. I feel like I NEED my orderly, planned environment. I hate winging everything. I have to reflect more on how I am going to address this problem.

I'm the "Hmm" poster from page 2 (12:20). The fits in with what I was thinking. Yeah, I think some reflection is in order, and a PP might be right about hormones - has this always bothered you to the extent it is now, and you're just realizing it's gonna be worse with a baby? Or did you used to be cool with it?

I think your best bet for a compromise is "zones" of responsibility. As a starting place - maybe you handle the house maintenance/decor/organization/stocking that seems very valuable to you, and in exchange, he's in charge of dealing with the house repairs that come up - broken water heater, fix the garbage disposal, that kinda stuff. That seems like it would work to your strengths. If you can afford it, hire out cleaners, and he handles picking up and things like dishes. Waiting until someone is out of something is a pretty solid approach to laundry - maybe that becomes his responsibility? You'll probably get stuck with the plan-y parts of children - doctors appointments, researching how to introduce solids, coming up with a plan for sleep training, so maybe he takes daycare drop off and pickup. And then maybe you take on all the cooking/meal planning.

I would definitely try to get these zones delineated before the baby comes.

Also - this only works if you let him sink or swim and solve his own messes. So - if he's in charge of laundry, when you use the second to last baby onesie, you say, "hey, we're almost out of baby onesies" and then you do NOTHING, you say nothing more. And then you use the last one. And then when you need another, you hand him a naked baby and say "we're out of onesies" and LET HIM FIGURE IT OUT. Maybe baby goes to daycare in jammies. Maybe he has to buy more. Hell, maybe she spends a day in her fancy Christmas dress cause it's the only thing that's clean. You do. not. solve. this. problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He probably has ADHD, which impacts his ability to plan ahead and organize the life of a household. Such mental disorders affect each person differently but I sense an executive function deficit and subsequent denial as a result. It’s sometimes easier to deny the need to do something instead of realizing one has a permanent condition and seek pharmacological treatment and behavioral change.

My husband and son have diagnosed ADHD and perhaps some Asperger’s tendencies and I’ve done a lot of research on it. While my husband seemed successful and functional as a bachelor, he cannot manage a household. He’s a doctor and wants to cook from scratch, plan ahead, limit waste, etc, but I end up scheduling and organizing because otherwise we run out of things and miss deadlines: he’s nearly always late to file taxes and pay bills, for example. He’s late to drop off or pick up his kids, and never remembers to schedule medical appointments. When he’s faced with something he really cannot do because of his ADHD, he will flat-out deny the need to do it, because psychologically he cannot face his inability, and it’s easier for him to be angry and blame others, than it is to accept his limitations and their consequences.

Medication works well for certain patients. If you suspect your husband had ADHD, you can suggest he see a psychiatrist to discuss the matter.

Thank you for your reply. I think buying our house was the first crack in the foundation of our compatibility because it evoked for me images of how I grew up (orderly) and what I wanted “adult life” to be like. Prior to that we lived in apartments and I didn’t attempt to stock a pantry, hang curtains, etc (not deal with exterminators, tree trimmers, etc.) because landlord took care of that. We always had a little power struggle about winging meals but it wasn’t as bad because I wasn’t trying to divert funds to a 529 yard plan and baby supplies.

I like your idea about zones. I think I can butt out of his zones as long as I take my hot-button zones. My biggest fear is sleep training though because I already read all about it and he is so hung ho about hanging out with his baby and napping with her as the urge strikes and he will want to do nighttime “routine” with her but not actually on a routine... I am pretty convinced no one in my house will ever sleep again...

Anyway, good advice in the thread. I’ll work in making peace with the need to compromise if I want to stay married, which I certainly do.


I promise he does not have ADHD nor autism spectrum. He plans ahead for work conferences and other long term responsibilities all the time. He just doesn’t LIKE having home responsibilities and commitments that lock him in if it doesn’t have to do with work.

How can you promise this. Did he have a neuropsych? Do you do neuropsych’s?

OP, you need to open your mind a little bit and learn more about ADHD and autism. You seem very convinced that he doesn't have it, but what you are saying indicates that you don't really understand autism.

The ability to hyperfocus on some things, and have nothing left for other things that aren't as interesting to the person, is a very common indicator. It doesn't mean he can't plan or focus at all. It means he doesn't have enough executive functioning ability to handle stuff for both work and home. Sometimes people do better with work because it's a narrower slice of life, and they may have support staff to help them with the details. He is avoiding home responsibility BECAUSE he can't handle it. He needs 100% flexibility and 100% attention on work to manage his work stuff BECAUSE it's such a struggle for him to manage it.

Also, his rigidity and unwillingness to consider your perspective and social norms more generally is also a hallmark of autism.

OP here. Forgive the brevity as I am typing from my phone but I hyperfocus and am quite rigid (hence his resentment) and yet I do not have autism. I also know many people on the spectrum. DH is NOT on the spectrum and no one who knows him would think so - he is very social and he can read social signals better than almost anyone I know. A case could be made for ADHD but even that I still don’t think so. His executive functioning is fine. He is able to hold multiple balls in the air just fine if he thinks the balls are important and he values them. I agree with a poster above that his preferences are valid just not MY preferences. Not having “socially acceptable” preferences doesn’t have to be pathologized.

He may have some misogyny - mom and grandma took care of him very well. Dad was always traveling for work and did zero at home. He helps out at home though but not things like curtains as stated.

To answer a PP’s question about what our life would look like his way - most meal decisions would be made on the fly. Laundry would be done when he realized someone was out of underwear. House would be SPARSE. Weekends would be totally unplanned. He would spend all his mental energy on his work, hobbies, and looking after kids. Our child is not born yet but I actually think he will be an involved father since he seems to value that very much.

I am just cranky. I don’t WANT to compromise. Geez maybe I am the one with autism. I feel like I NEED my orderly, planned environment. I hate winging everything. I have to reflect more on how I am going to address this problem.

I'm the "Hmm" poster from page 2 (12:20). The fits in with what I was thinking. Yeah, I think some reflection is in order, and a PP might be right about hormones - has this always bothered you to the extent it is now, and you're just realizing it's gonna be worse with a baby? Or did you used to be cool with it?

I think your best bet for a compromise is "zones" of responsibility. As a starting place - maybe you handle the house maintenance/decor/organization/stocking that seems very valuable to you, and in exchange, he's in charge of dealing with the house repairs that come up - broken water heater, fix the garbage disposal, that kinda stuff. That seems like it would work to your strengths. If you can afford it, hire out cleaners, and he handles picking up and things like dishes. Waiting until someone is out of something is a pretty solid approach to laundry - maybe that becomes his responsibility? You'll probably get stuck with the plan-y parts of children - doctors appointments, researching how to introduce solids, coming up with a plan for sleep training, so maybe he takes daycare drop off and pickup. And then maybe you take on all the cooking/meal planning.

I would definitely try to get these zones delineated before the baby comes.

Also - this only works if you let him sink or swim and solve his own messes. So - if he's in charge of laundry, when you use the second to last baby onesie, you say, "hey, we're almost out of baby onesies" and then you do NOTHING, you say nothing more. And then you use the last one. And then when you need another, you hand him a naked baby and say "we're out of onesies" and LET HIM FIGURE IT OUT. Maybe baby goes to daycare in jammies. Maybe he has to buy more. Hell, maybe she spends a day in her fancy Christmas dress cause it's the only thing that's clean. You do. not. solve. this. problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He probably has ADHD, which impacts his ability to plan ahead and organize the life of a household. Such mental disorders affect each person differently but I sense an executive function deficit and subsequent denial as a result. It’s sometimes easier to deny the need to do something instead of realizing one has a permanent condition and seek pharmacological treatment and behavioral change.

My husband and son have diagnosed ADHD and perhaps some Asperger’s tendencies and I’ve done a lot of research on it. While my husband seemed successful and functional as a bachelor, he cannot manage a household. He’s a doctor and wants to cook from scratch, plan ahead, limit waste, etc, but I end up scheduling and organizing because otherwise we run out of things and miss deadlines: he’s nearly always late to file taxes and pay bills, for example. He’s late to drop off or pick up his kids, and never remembers to schedule medical appointments. When he’s faced with something he really cannot do because of his ADHD, he will flat-out deny the need to do it, because psychologically he cannot face his inability, and it’s easier for him to be angry and blame others, than it is to accept his limitations and their consequences.

Medication works well for certain patients. If you suspect your husband had ADHD, you can suggest he see a psychiatrist to discuss the matter.

I promise he does not have ADHD nor autism spectrum. He plans ahead for work conferences and other long term responsibilities all the time. He just doesn’t LIKE having home responsibilities and commitments that lock him in if it doesn’t have to do with work.

How can you promise this. Did he have a neuropsych? Do you do neuropsych’s?

OP, you need to open your mind a little bit and learn more about ADHD and autism. You seem very convinced that he doesn't have it, but what you are saying indicates that you don't really understand autism.

The ability to hyperfocus on some things, and have nothing left for other things that aren't as interesting to the person, is a very common indicator. It doesn't mean he can't plan or focus at all. It means he doesn't have enough executive functioning ability to handle stuff for both work and home. Sometimes people do better with work because it's a narrower slice of life, and they may have support staff to help them with the details. He is avoiding home responsibility BECAUSE he can't handle it. He needs 100% flexibility and 100% attention on work to manage his work stuff BECAUSE it's such a struggle for him to manage it.

Also, his rigidity and unwillingness to consider your perspective and social norms more generally is also a hallmark of autism.

OP here. Forgive the brevity as I am typing from my phone but I hyperfocus and am quite rigid (hence his resentment) and yet I do not have autism. I also know many people on the spectrum. DH is NOT on the spectrum and no one who knows him would think so - he is very social and he can read social signals better than almost anyone I know. A case could be made for ADHD but even that I still don’t think so. His executive functioning is fine. He is able to hold multiple balls in the air just fine if he thinks the balls are important and he values them. I agree with a poster above that his preferences are valid just not MY preferences. Not having “socially acceptable” preferences doesn’t have to be pathologized.

He may have some misogyny - mom and grandma took care of him very well. Dad was always traveling for work and did zero at home. He helps out at home though but not things like curtains as stated.

To answer a PP’s question about what our life would look like his way - most meal decisions would be made on the fly. Laundry would be done when he realized someone was out of underwear. House would be SPARSE. Weekends would be totally unplanned. He would spend all his mental energy on his work, hobbies, and looking after kids. Our child is not born yet but I actually think he will be an involved father since he seems to value that very much.

I am just cranky. I don’t WANT to compromise. Geez maybe I am the one with autism. I feel like I NEED my orderly, planned environment. I hate winging everything. I have to reflect more on how I am going to address this problem.

I'm the "Hmm" poster from page 2 (12:20). The fits in with what I was thinking. Yeah, I think some reflection is in order, and a PP might be right about hormones - has this always bothered you to the extent it is now, and you're just realizing it's gonna be worse with a baby? Or did you used to be cool with it?

I think your best bet for a compromise is "zones" of responsibility. As a starting place - maybe you handle the house maintenance/decor/organization/stocking that seems very valuable to you, and in exchange, he's in charge of dealing with the house repairs that come up - broken water heater, fix the garbage disposal, that kinda stuff. That seems like it would work to your strengths. If you can afford it, hire out cleaners, and he handles picking up and things like dishes. Waiting until someone is out of something is a pretty solid approach to laundry - maybe that becomes his responsibility? You'll probably get stuck with the plan-y parts of children - doctors appointments, researching how to introduce solids, coming up with a plan for sleep training, so maybe he takes daycare drop off and pickup. And then maybe you take on all the cooking/meal planning.

I would definitely try to get these zones delineated before the baby comes.

Also - this only works if you let him sink or swim and solve his own messes. So - if he's in charge of laundry, when you use the second to last baby onesie, you say, "hey, we're almost out of baby onesies" and then you do NOTHING, you say nothing more. And then you use the last one. And then when you need another, you hand him a naked baby and say "we're out of onesies" and LET HIM FIGURE IT OUT. Maybe baby goes to daycare in jammies. Maybe he has to buy more. Hell, maybe she spends a day in her fancy Christmas dress cause it's the only thing that's clean. You do. not. solve. this. problem. [/the first crack in the foundation of our compatibility because it evoked for me images of how I grew up (orderly) and what I wanted “adult life” to be like. Prior to that we lived in apartments and I didn’t attempt to stock a pantry, hang curtains, etc (not deal with exterminators, tree trimmers, etc.) because landlord took care of that. We always had a little power struggle about winging meals but it wasn’t as bad because I wasn’t trying to divert funds to a 529 yard plan and baby supplies.

I like your idea about zones. I think I can butt out of his zones as long as I take my hot-button zones. My biggest fear is sleep training though because I already read all about it and he is so hung ho about hanging out with his baby and napping with her as the urge strikes and he will want to do nighttime “routine” with her but not actually on a routine... I am pretty convinced no one in my house will ever sleep again...

Anyway, good advice in the thread. I’ll work in making peace with the need to compromise if I want to stay married, which I certainly do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He probably has ADHD, which impacts his ability to plan ahead and organize the life of a household. Such mental disorders affect each person differently but I sense an executive function deficit and subsequent denial as a result. It’s sometimes easier to deny the need to do something instead of realizing one has a permanent condition and seek pharmacological treatment and behavioral change.

My husband and son have diagnosed ADHD and perhaps some Asperger’s tendencies and I’ve done a lot of research on it. While my husband seemed successful and functional as a bachelor, he cannot manage a household. He’s a doctor and wants to cook from scratch, plan ahead, limit waste, etc, but I end up scheduling and organizing because otherwise we run out of things and miss deadlines: he’s nearly always late to file taxes and pay bills, for example. He’s late to drop off or pick up his kids, and never remembers to schedule medical appointments. When he’s faced with something he really cannot do because of his ADHD, he will flat-out deny the need to do it, because psychologically he cannot face his inability, and it’s easier for him to be angry and blame others, than it is to accept his limitations and their consequences.

Medication works well for certain patients. If you suspect your husband had ADHD, you can suggest he see a psychiatrist to discuss the matter.

I promise he does not have ADHD nor autism spectrum. He plans ahead for work conferences and other long term responsibilities all the time. He just doesn’t LIKE having home responsibilities and commitments that lock him in if it doesn’t have to do with work.

How can you promise this. Did he have a neuropsych? Do you do neuropsych’s?

OP, you need to open your mind a little bit and learn more about ADHD and autism. You seem very convinced that he doesn't have it, but what you are saying indicates that you don't really understand autism.

The ability to hyperfocus on some things, and have nothing left for other things that aren't as interesting to the person, is a very common indicator. It doesn't mean he can't plan or focus at all. It means he doesn't have enough executive functioning ability to handle stuff for both work and home. Sometimes people do better with work because it's a narrower slice of life, and they may have support staff to help them with the details. He is avoiding home responsibility BECAUSE he can't handle it. He needs 100% flexibility and 100% attention on work to manage his work stuff BECAUSE it's such a struggle for him to manage it.

Also, his rigidity and unwillingness to consider your perspective and social norms more generally is also a hallmark of autism.

OP here. Forgive the brevity as I am typing from my phone but I hyperfocus and am quite rigid (hence his resentment) and yet I do not have autism. I also know many people on the spectrum. DH is NOT on the spectrum and no one who knows him would think so - he is very social and he can read social signals better than almost anyone I know. A case could be made for ADHD but even that I still don’t think so. His executive functioning is fine. He is able to hold multiple balls in the air just fine if he thinks the balls are important and he values them. I agree with a poster above that his preferences are valid just not MY preferences. Not having “socially acceptable” preferences doesn’t have to be pathologized.

He may have some misogyny - mom and grandma took care of him very well. Dad was always traveling for work and did zero at home. He helps out at home though but not things like curtains as stated.

To answer a PP’s question about what our life would look like his way - most meal decisions would be made on the fly. Laundry would be done when he realized someone was out of underwear. House would be SPARSE. Weekends would be totally unplanned. He would spend all his mental energy on his work, hobbies, and looking after kids. Our child is not born yet but I actually think he will be an involved father since he seems to value that very much.

I am just cranky. I don’t WANT to compromise. Geez maybe I am the one with autism. I feel like I NEED my orderly, planned environment. I hate winging everything. I have to reflect more on how I am going to address this problem.

I'm the "Hmm" poster from page 2 (12:20). The fits in with what I was thinking. Yeah, I think some reflection is in order, and a PP might be right about hormones - has this always bothered you to the extent it is now, and you're just realizing it's gonna be worse with a baby? Or did you used to be cool with it?

I think your best bet for a compromise is "zones" of responsibility. As a starting place - maybe you handle the house maintenance/decor/organization/stocking that seems very valuable to you, and in exchange, he's in charge of dealing with the house repairs that come up - broken water heater, fix the garbage disposal, that kinda stuff. That seems like it would work to your strengths. If you can afford it, hire out cleaners, and he handles picking up and things like dishes. Waiting until someone is out of something is a pretty solid approach to laundry - maybe that becomes his responsibility? You'll probably get stuck with the plan-y parts of children - doctors appointments, researching how to introduce solids, coming up with a plan for sleep training, so maybe he takes daycare drop off and pickup. And then maybe you take on all the cooking/meal planning.

I would definitely try to get these zones delineated before the baby comes.

Also - this only works if you let him sink or swim and solve his own messes. So - if he's in charge of laundry, when you use the second to last baby onesie, you say, "hey, we're almost out of baby onesies" and then you do NOTHING, you say nothing more. And then you use the last one. And then when you need another, you hand him a naked baby and say "we're out of onesies" and LET HIM FIGURE IT OUT. Maybe baby goes to daycare in jammies. Maybe he has to buy more. Hell, maybe she spends a day in her fancy Christmas dress cause it's the only thing that's clean. You do. not. solve. this. problem.

the first crack in the foundation of our compatibility because it evoked for me images of how I grew up (orderly) and what I wanted “adult life” to be like. Prior to that we lived in apartments and I didn’t attempt to stock a pantry, hang curtains, etc (not deal with exterminators, tree trimmers, etc.) because landlord took care of that. We always had a little power struggle about winging meals but it wasn’t as bad because I wasn’t trying to divert funds to a 529 yard plan and baby supplies.

I like your idea about zones. I think I can butt out of his zones as long as I take my hot-button zones. My biggest fear is sleep training though because I already read all about it and he is so hung ho about hanging out with his baby and napping with her as the urge strikes and he will want to do nighttime “routine” with her but not actually on a routine... I am pretty convinced no one in my house will ever sleep again...

Anyway, good advice in the thread. I’ll work in making peace with the need to compromise if I want to stay married, which I certainly do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This sounds like simple incompatibility. Predictably, multiple posters claim if a DH prefers anything to be done differently than a DW he MUST have autism or ADHD. No, just sounds like he doesn’t care about curtains or shelves or stocking a pantry. Perfectly functional adult who just doesn’t care about the things you care about.

Actually they sounds like two married people on the autism spectrum having a child, good luck OP!

My “nutty professor” in laws did it; just be a homebody so no gets physically hurt by mind blindness, inattentiveness, self centerness, inability to connect, or anger from constantly being overwhelmed by basic life.

Your kid will have it too, so just stay in your bubble and keep calling the rest of the world crazy like you are on this thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He probably has ADHD, which impacts his ability to plan ahead and organize the life of a household. Such mental disorders affect each person differently but I sense an executive function deficit and subsequent denial as a result. It’s sometimes easier to deny the need to do something instead of realizing one has a permanent condition and seek pharmacological treatment and behavioral change.

My husband and son have diagnosed ADHD and perhaps some Asperger’s tendencies and I’ve done a lot of research on it. While my husband seemed successful and functional as a bachelor, he cannot manage a household. He’s a doctor and wants to cook from scratch, plan ahead, limit waste, etc, but I end up scheduling and organizing because otherwise we run out of things and miss deadlines: he’s nearly always late to file taxes and pay bills, for example. He’s late to drop off or pick up his kids, and never remembers to schedule medical appointments. When he’s faced with something he really cannot do because of his ADHD, he will flat-out deny the need to do it, because psychologically he cannot face his inability, and it’s easier for him to be angry and blame others, than it is to accept his limitations and their consequences.

Medication works well for certain patients. If you suspect your husband had ADHD, you can suggest he see a psychiatrist to discuss the matter.

I promise he does not have ADHD nor autism spectrum. He plans ahead for work conferences and other long term responsibilities all the time. He just doesn’t LIKE having home responsibilities and commitments that lock him in if it doesn’t have to do with work.

How can you promise this. Did he have a neuropsych? Do you do neuropsych’s?

OP, you need to open your mind a little bit and learn more about ADHD and autism. You seem very convinced that he doesn't have it, but what you are saying indicates that you don't really understand autism.

The ability to hyperfocus on some things, and have nothing left for other things that aren't as interesting to the person, is a very common indicator. It doesn't mean he can't plan or focus at all. It means he doesn't have enough executive functioning ability to handle stuff for both work and home. Sometimes people do better with work because it's a narrower slice of life, and they may have support staff to help them with the details. He is avoiding home responsibility BECAUSE he can't handle it. He needs 100% flexibility and 100% attention on work to manage his work stuff BECAUSE it's such a struggle for him to manage it.

Also, his rigidity and unwillingness to consider your perspective and social norms more generally is also a hallmark of autism.

OP here. Forgive the brevity as I am typing from my phone but I hyperfocus and am quite rigid (hence his resentment) and yet I do not have autism. I also know many people on the spectrum. DH is NOT on the spectrum and no one who knows him would think so - he is very social and he can read social signals better than almost anyone I know. A case could be made for ADHD but even that I still don’t think so. His executive functioning is fine. He is able to hold multiple balls in the air just fine if he thinks the balls are important and he values them. I agree with a poster above that his preferences are valid just not MY preferences. Not having “socially acceptable” preferences doesn’t have to be pathologized.

He may have some misogyny - mom and grandma took care of him very well. Dad was always traveling for work and did zero at home. He helps out at home though but not things like curtains as stated.

To answer a PP’s question about what our life would look like his way - most meal decisions would be made on the fly. Laundry would be done when he realized someone was out of underwear. House would be SPARSE. Weekends would be totally unplanned. He would spend all his mental energy on his work, hobbies, and looking after kids. Our child is not born yet but I actually think he will be an involved father since he seems to value that very much.

I am just cranky. I don’t WANT to compromise. Geez maybe I am the one with autism. I feel like I NEED my orderly, planned environment. I hate winging everything. I have to reflect more on how I am going to address this problem.

He doesn’t care. He doesn’t care about anything. Other than himself. Why is that? He doesn’t care about anything most men and women care about. Why’s that? Sounds like a disorder.

Furthermore, you have ZERO evidence of his ability to “look after kids” by himself or be “an involved father.”

For shits and giggles ask him to define an involved father at the four basic childhood stages. He’ll recite some movie headlines. Then when you actually have a 2 yo, 6yo, 12 yo, 16 yo he’ll be busy and don’t bother him. He’ll come play when it’s convenient for him. Oh and he’ll take lots of photos for him mom when he does.

You will be the 100% caretaking, parent, disciplinary, teacher, role model, doctor, planner, sports coach, habit maker, kid conversationalist, friend maker, extracurricular chooser, etc. But he’ll think he’s involved because sometimes he’ll tag along when convenient to his personal demands.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Again, the ability to do executive functioning but only on topics of interest or value to the person is a hallmark of autism and ADHD. It doesn't disprove it.

I'm curious why he wanted to marry you, since you seem so incompatible with each other. Was his plan to bully you into going along with his preferences?

I’m sorry but not doing something you don’t value is HARDLY sufficient for autism or ADHD. As someone else pointed out other explanations are - stubborn, selfish, lazy, fed up, etc. etc. etc.

If I sound defensive about this it is because I read this board a lot and there is a crowd with an Autism and aDHD hammer and there are nails all over. It irritates me.

She should read the symptoms of aspergers and if they are a reoccurring issue in their life, get help with an ASD specialist.