Tips to deal with slightly eccentric husband

[Anonymous]

When I met my slightly eccentric husband, I found him charming. He is somewhat contrarian and very confident. He grooms himself well, he is not on the autism spectrum, so his eccentricity was not initially off putting. But now that we have been married for 6 years, his contempt for a typical family lifestyle of living is starting to really grate on me.

If he had his way, he would live like a graduate student for the rest of his life. Most adult responsibilities around caring for a home and family are superfluous in his view. A nursery for a baby with curtains? Shelves in the office? Completely unnecessary. Spending 2 hours helping me hang curtains is a HUGE sacrifice he can barely bring himself to do. Doing dishes and other routine chores is fine though (thank god for that).

In his mind I am having a blast wasting our money buying paper towels, coffee, toiletries, etc. on amazon instead of fulfilling a necessary responsibility. His preference would be to go to the grocery store and buy individual roles of paper towels as needed as he is picking up his nightly dinner sandwich. Stocking a kitchen pantry with food and home supplies? Making dinner nightly to be healthy and save money? This is apparently a complete waste of energy and not only do I get no appreciation for handling it, I actually deal wit his resentment about it.

During our marriage he has acquiesced to what 99% of people would consider to be normal way of living, but he apparently feels deeply burdened by it. He despises planning ahead and any encumbrances at all. And I apparently need to learn to give up some of these things or else he is going to keep being resentful.

He is apparently so resentful, that he doesn't even want to have sex frequently despite my willingness. So that can't keep him happy.

I am at my wits end, and don't know what to do. I am not willing to be a working mother and live like a graduate student making every decision in the moment and living in a sparse home with no maintenance on anything required. I cannot believe I married someone who finds basic adult responsibilities a massive sacrifice that he can't stomach.

[Anonymous]

sound like incompatibility

[Anonymous]

He sounds like Sheldon from BBT.

[Anonymous]

Did he grow up poor? Because my husband did and this was a sticking point early in our marriage. He wanted to wait until the cupboards were empty before grocery shopping. We both make good money and have master's degrees and he would always go through the dented can bin at the store, etc.

What helped?
1. We had a nanny who told him straight up that she was gonna quit if he didn't stock the pantry.
2. My work gave us a discount to Sam's club and I convinced him to buy a case of toilet paper. paper towels, etc.
3. We have separate bank accounts and agreement about who pays what Bill's. Decorating comes out of "my" money, not his
4. Use a budget app

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He sounds like Sheldon from BBT.

Well, that‘s not far off except the crazy thing is that he is not socially awkward at all which really doesn’t “match” with the rest of his behavior and why I feel in love with him originally. He is super perceptive and emotionally in tune with me and others. He is a theoretical scientist though so he gets most of his gratification from intangible things and finds dealing with pragmatic things highly annoying. He will do the bare minimum and no more.

[Anonymous]

He would annoy me also.

As would the fact that he does not appreciate how your planning keeps the house running smoothly.

Can you calmly have a talk about how you both see things differently and how it is making you (both) feel? Perhaps, sharing that in a non-accusatory way would help on some level?

You really do sound like two types of people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:sound like incompatibility

Yeah

[Anonymous]

He probably has ADHD, which impacts his ability to plan ahead and organize the life of a household. Such mental disorders affect each person differently but I sense an executive function deficit and subsequent denial as a result. It’s sometimes easier to deny the need to do something instead of realizing one has a permanent condition and seek pharmacological treatment and behavioral change.

My husband and son have diagnosed ADHD and perhaps some Asperger’s tendencies and I’ve done a lot of research on it. While my husband seemed successful and functional as a bachelor, he cannot manage a household. He’s a doctor and wants to cook from scratch, plan ahead, limit waste, etc, but I end up scheduling and organizing because otherwise we run out of things and miss deadlines: he’s nearly always late to file taxes and pay bills, for example. He’s late to drop off or pick up his kids, and never remembers to schedule medical appointments. When he’s faced with something he really cannot do because of his ADHD, he will flat-out deny the need to do it, because psychologically he cannot face his inability, and it’s easier for him to be angry and blame others, than it is to accept his limitations and their consequences.

Medication works well for certain patients. If you suspect your husband had ADHD, you can suggest he see a psychiatrist to discuss the matter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He probably has ADHD, which impacts his ability to plan ahead and organize the life of a household. Such mental disorders affect each person differently but I sense an executive function deficit and subsequent denial as a result. It’s sometimes easier to deny the need to do something instead of realizing one has a permanent condition and seek pharmacological treatment and behavioral change.

My husband and son have diagnosed ADHD and perhaps some Asperger’s tendencies and I’ve done a lot of research on it. While my husband seemed successful and functional as a bachelor, he cannot manage a household. He’s a doctor and wants to cook from scratch, plan ahead, limit waste, etc, but I end up scheduling and organizing because otherwise we run out of things and miss deadlines: he’s nearly always late to file taxes and pay bills, for example. He’s late to drop off or pick up his kids, and never remembers to schedule medical appointments. When he’s faced with something he really cannot do because of his ADHD, he will flat-out deny the need to do it, because psychologically he cannot face his inability, and it’s easier for him to be angry and blame others, than it is to accept his limitations and their consequences.

Medication works well for certain patients. If you suspect your husband had ADHD, you can suggest he see a psychiatrist to discuss the matter.

I promise he does not have ADHD nor autism spectrum. He plans ahead for work conferences and other long term responsibilities all the time. He just doesn’t LIKE having home responsibilities and commitments that lock him in if it doesn’t have to do with work.

[Anonymous]

My husband isn’t eccentric or anything and I wouldn’t ask for his help hanging curtains because he doesn’t care about curtains and he would be cranky about doing it. But by that same rule, he shouldn’t be mad at you about buying paper towels in bulk. If his thing is about amazon, give him a the option of getting a list for the store. Amazon can be more expensive, and the packaging is annoying.

I would try to be flexible on dinner. You don’t have to eat the same thing.

I also agree that you should structure your finances so that you have more independence. How do you do it now? Is it all joint? Maybe a household budget that you manage would be less stressful for him since he would know the total amount but not need to sweat the details.

Something like shelves is also a thing all couples have to negotiate - not an eccentricity thing.

[Anonymous]

My best friend is like this. It wasn't so apparent when we were growing up (she was UMC), but when she married someone just like her it got really intense. Living like grad students is very true. I love my best friend and I'm just mystified by her lifestyle. Every few years they just pack up the car and move to another city. They don't bring belongings. Everything is sparse in their homes, but it's because they want it that way and not poverty. He only wears white button downs. They eschew all adult responsibilities. Conversations get stranger every time I see them, such as: Why do you go to work? Are you just working to retire? Why pay taxes? She had their children at home, they homeschool and work just enough for food. They do have successful careers, and their careers allow them to pick up extra work if they want it.

I read a book once called "possum living" and it really summed up their lifestyle. I think what annoys me is that they're essentially using services that the rest of us pay for with taxes.

I hope your husband will change once your baby is born. "Nightly dinner sandwich" doesn't cut it when you need to eat as a family every night together. It seems like your husband wants to be more free spirited, so maybe you could do something that makes him feel that way. If he just keeps building up resentment, it will get worse. Also, he's probably feeling a bit tied down by the baby already. He doesn't know what it will be like and might be worried. I've heard lots of new dads say things like that

[Anonymous]

You know your spouse best, of course, but please understand that having ADHD means you prioritize certain things because you can’t do it all. I have mild ADHD and I can get it together for work, like many people with ADHD, because it’s really important, and I can focus on things I love to do, but at home I fall apart and my house is a mess, because I hate tidying up and cleaning. ADHD means not having enough “bandwidth” to stay on top of typical sorting and organizational demands of the average person. Also, there is significant overlap in symptoms between inattentive ADHD and high-functioning autism, do sometimes it’s hard to tease out which is which... or sometimes, they’re comorbid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My best friend is like this. It wasn't so apparent when we were growing up (she was UMC), but when she married someone just like her it got really intense. Living like grad students is very true. I love my best friend and I'm just mystified by her lifestyle. Every few years they just pack up the car and move to another city. They don't bring belongings. Everything is sparse in their homes, but it's because they want it that way and not poverty. He only wears white button downs. They eschew all adult responsibilities. Conversations get stranger every time I see them, such as: Why do you go to work? Are you just working to retire? Why pay taxes? She had their children at home, they homeschool and work just enough for food. They do have successful careers, and their careers allow them to pick up extra work if they want it.

I read a book once called "possum living" and it really summed up their lifestyle. I think what annoys me is that they're essentially using services that the rest of us pay for with taxes.

I hope your husband will change once your baby is born. "Nightly dinner sandwich" doesn't cut it when you need to eat as a family every night together. It seems like your husband wants to be more free spirited, so maybe you could do something that makes him feel that way. If he just keeps building up resentment, it will get worse. Also, he's probably feeling a bit tied down by the baby already. He doesn't know what it will be like and might be worried. I've heard lots of new dads say things like that

It's off that this is who you consider your best friend.

And the taxes thing? That's how society works. Maybe you'd like a flat tax???

[Anonymous]

Men "ripen" when they're ready to settle down and focus on home life. Doesn't sound like he's done that yet. Maybe he jumped the gun getting married, or maybe you will be happy to have him as a husband when he starts "nesting" with you. Either way, he does not sound eccentric -- just not living the way you live. Maybe give his way a try for a month, see what happens. It might get old for you both to pick up a roll of toilet paper and a sandwhich on your way home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My best friend is like this. It wasn't so apparent when we were growing up (she was UMC), but when she married someone just like her it got really intense. Living like grad students is very true. I love my best friend and I'm just mystified by her lifestyle. Every few years they just pack up the car and move to another city. They don't bring belongings. Everything is sparse in their homes, but it's because they want it that way and not poverty. He only wears white button downs. They eschew all adult responsibilities. Conversations get stranger every time I see them, such as: Why do you go to work? Are you just working to retire? Why pay taxes? She had their children at home, they homeschool and work just enough for food. They do have successful careers, and their careers allow them to pick up extra work if they want it.

I read a book once called "possum living" and it really summed up their lifestyle. I think what annoys me is that they're essentially using services that the rest of us pay for with taxes.

I hope your husband will change once your baby is born. "Nightly dinner sandwich" doesn't cut it when you need to eat as a family every night together. It seems like your husband wants to be more free spirited, so maybe you could do something that makes him feel that way. If he just keeps building up resentment, it will get worse. Also, he's probably feeling a bit tied down by the baby already. He doesn't know what it will be like and might be worried. I've heard lots of new dads say things like that

What services are those?