Married but living apart?
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Anonymous
This is my question! |
Anonymous
| Op here. To answer the questions about the kids being in the picture I don’t think that is the issue. They are nearly grown and also they all get along great. This issue is more about his long-term financial goals and not wanting to have to make any big changes, such as giving up any of this things (he has a lot of stuff, a lot of attachments to objects). This is what I don’t see changing - regardless of kids in the picture. |
Anonymous
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OP- did you sign a prenup? Did DH have to give up a lot to his Ex-wife? Why can’t he keep his possessions?
Regardless, I think your dead wrong. DH doesn’t want to be around your kids 100% of the time and parent them. His are out of the house. It doesn’t matter if they all get along. It’s a huge change in his life and he doesn’t want it. |
Anonymous
Why should he have to give up his things? None of this really makes sense to me. You never lived together and you didn't discuss living arrangements but you just got married? You thought he woudl change who he was after you married him? I don't understand why you got married. Who benefited from that? What was the reason you or he wanted to get married? You want to move your kids into his house? He still has young adult children coming home from college but you want him to stop that and have their spaces in his house given to your children? You want him to get rid of his things and to bring your things from your house to his? I don't get anything about this relationship! |
Anonymous
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Anonymous
No. The kids should all have their own spaces but preferably under one roof. I am fine with him maintaining ownership of his house if that’s what he feels is best but in that case I would want to work on making the house work for all of us OR renting out his house and moving into mine. And yes if we were to go from 2 houses to 1 then both of us would have to give up some stuff! He has a lot more stuff than I do and deep attachments to his things so this is what I don’t think will change once kids are no longer in the picture. We did discuss the arrangements before getting married and I was under the impression that we would figure out how to get under one roof. Of course there should have been a more concrete plan. I get that!!! |
Anonymous
| How long have you been married? |
Anonymous
| Honestly, why did you get married? You’re giving us 2nd time married people a bad name. |
Anonymous
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No. The kids should all have their own spaces but preferably under one roof. I am fine with him maintaining ownership of his house if that’s what he feels is best but in that case I would want to work on making the house work for all of us OR renting out his house and moving into mine. And yes if we were to go from 2 houses to 1 then both of us would have to give up some stuff! He has a lot more stuff than I do and deep attachments to his things so this is what I don’t think will change once kids are no longer in the picture. We did discuss the arrangements before getting married and I was under the impression that we would figure out how to get under one roof. Of course there should have been a more concrete plan. I get that!!! So...it is logistically impractical to move with your DCs into his house? Is it even the same school district? While you are saying your goal is to live under one roof and your fine with him keeping his house. You want him to move out of his house and not have step-DCs be able to go back from college to their childhood home. I can see why it doesn’t want to move. |
Anonymous
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When are you having sex?
Does he spend the night sometimes? |
Anonymous
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How old are your kids, OP? My guess is that even if he really likes your kids, he does not want to live full-time with them. That might hurt but it's fair. He may not want to say this explicitly because it is very hurtful, but consider the possibility that this is the reason. Does that change anything for you?
Rather than blame him for not wanting what you want, I think you just have to be really honest with yourself first and foremost about what you really want and need. If it's to live under the same roof with someone, then this person is not a good fit and he's made his intentions clear at this point. He's no more to blame than you for wanting what he wants. This works for him. If it doesn't work for you, that's not his fault, that means you end this amicably and move on to find someone whose ideal matches yours. Some people could never live apart together, others would find it ideal. Is he attentive to your needs otherwise? Do you feel you have enough sex, enough talking? If not, could you be specific and ask, can we do x, y, and z? Without blaming him or saying he's wrong, just ask for what you want? In other words, is there any way besides living together that you can feel connected enough, loved enough? If the answer is no, you two are not suited. Honestly, it is strange that you'd be in it this long and somehow expected him to read your mind and want what you want. |
Anonymous
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Are you sure you are married? This sounds awfully familiar for the non-married poster who has a bigger house and who’s boyfriend doesn’t want to sell his
https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/849956.page |
Anonymous
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OP, what was the original plan?
Meaning did he tell you that living apart after marriage would be a temporary thing? Then did he change his mind later on?? Or did you know from the get go that this is how it was going to be - then later on, changed your mind. Sorry for all the questions, just trying to get a better idea of your situation. |
Anonymous
I was thinking the same! |
Anonymous
This. |