Married but living apart?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you sure you are married? This sounds awfully familiar for the non-married poster who has a bigger house and who’s boyfriend doesn’t want to sell his

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/849956.page

I was thinking the same!

It’s the same person and he obviously doesn’t want to get married and live together with her 3 boys in the house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you sure you are married? This sounds awfully familiar for the non-married poster who has a bigger house and who’s boyfriend doesn’t want to sell his

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/849956.page

I was thinking the same!

It’s the same person and he obviously doesn’t want to get married and live together with her 3 boys in the house.

No not the same person!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When are you having sex?
Does he spend the night sometimes?

He does spend the night every night with me and we have sex most nights.

[Anonymous]

How does he treat you? Are you happy when you're together?

If so, that's a LOT. Look at the divorce rate for blended families, it is sky high. As much as it would be wonderful to have a happily ever after re-marriage, be realistic. You are asking him to move in with your kids--it's too much. Honestly it sounds like he is being very wise.

Hopefully he really loves you. It sounds like he does. Just enjoy that. Be there for each other, connect. And then let him go back to his place and have that space when he needs it. You have multiple kids younger than his--be glad he even wants to see you.

Stop looking for what you DON'T have and enjoy what you do. As long as he is there when you need him, let go of needing the relationship to look like something very specific.

Or not, and you can insist you want it your way--but have the self-respect and respect for him to end this and move on. He's made very clear what he wants and doesn't want. Now you have to decide whether you can be happy with what he wants. Stop trying to force things your way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old are your kids, OP? My guess is that even if he really likes your kids, he does not want to live full-time with them. That might hurt but it's fair. He may not want to say this explicitly because it is very hurtful, but consider the possibility that this is the reason. Does that change anything for you?

Rather than blame him for not wanting what you want, I think you just have to be really honest with yourself first and foremost about what you really want and need. If it's to live under the same roof with someone, then this person is not a good fit and he's made his intentions clear at this point. He's no more to blame than you for wanting what he wants. This works for him. If it doesn't work for you, that's not his fault, that means you end this amicably and move on to find someone whose ideal matches yours.

Some people could never live apart together, others would find it ideal.

Is he attentive to your needs otherwise? Do you feel you have enough sex, enough talking? If not, could you be specific and ask, can we do x, y, and z? Without blaming him or saying he's wrong, just ask for what you want? In other words, is there any way besides living together that you can feel connected enough, loved enough? If the answer is no, you two are not suited. Honestly, it is strange that you'd be in it this long and somehow expected him to read your mind and want what you want.

This is very helpful. Thank you. Last sentence a little judgy but that’s okay, fair enough to have an opinion based on what’s been shared. I do appreciate your objectivity and thoughtfulness, what you said makes a lot of sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How does he treat you? Are you happy when you're together?

If so, that's a LOT. Look at the divorce rate for blended families, it is sky high. As much as it would be wonderful to have a happily ever after re-marriage, be realistic. You are asking him to move in with your kids--it's too much. Honestly it sounds like he is being very wise.

Hopefully he really loves you. It sounds like he does. Just enjoy that. Be there for each other, connect. And then let him go back to his place and have that space when he needs it. You have multiple kids younger than his--be glad he even wants to see you.

Stop looking for what you DON'T have and enjoy what you do. As long as he is there when you need him, let go of needing the relationship to look like something very specific.

Or not, and you can insist you want it your way--but have the self-respect and respect for him to end this and move on. He's made very clear what he wants and doesn't want. Now you have to decide whether you can be happy with what he wants. Stop trying to force things your way.

Our kids are the same age except for one of them still in high school. So this is not so much about blending families but a little bit I guess.

[Anonymous]

I appreciate all of this input. Thank you to all for sharing your insight.

[Anonymous]

It's not just about the kids living together, but also blending a family in that your kids are not your DH's, no matter how much attachment he has to them.

I remarried and we live together, and honestly I wish we did not. We are several years in and half the kids are very tightly bonded but the others no, and the loyalty issues and problems are extremely, extremely difficult on the relationship. If I had it to do over again, I'd get houses near each other but not live all together--until ALL the kids are launched.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Spouse and I were in a relationship for many years before getting married. Second marriage for both of us, we both have kids from previous relationships. kids are now late teens and early 20s. We both still own our homes and remain responsible for maintaining our individual homes.
He has said he will not sell his house and that his kids will remain there (part time of course because they are in college and also live with their mother part of the time). He does not want me to move into his house. He wants us to maintain the 2 homes for an indefinite period of time. He feels this makes financial sense. I disagree and feel that being locked into a financial plan that doesn’t allow for marriage/living together is wrong.
I understand this type of arrangement works for some people. But it doesn’t work for me. He gets angry when I approach the topic of us being in a house together. In other words the arrangement works for him so therefore it should work for me. His reaction makes me so confused and upset - I don’t really want to be married to someone that doesn’t want to live with me. I don’t really “feel” married to be honest. Seeking advice from strangers on the internet.

But you are "confused" and "upset" because the arrangement you want doesn't appeal to him? You say you think this arrangement is "wrong" (though apparently you have been accepting it for some time even as you stew about it). So you are right and he is wrong, basically.

Often people who have to be right end up being alone. What do you want most? To try to bend him to your will? Do you think you can force him to live with you when he says he doesn't want to, and expect him to be happy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not just about the kids living together, but also blending a family in that your kids are not your DH's, no matter how much attachment he has to them.

I remarried and we live together, and honestly I wish we did not. We are several years in and half the kids are very tightly bonded but the others no, and the loyalty issues and problems are extremely, extremely difficult on the relationship. If I had it to do over again, I'd get houses near each other but not live all together--until ALL the kids are launched.

I agree. I have no intention of leaving my home as long as my kids are still in school, nor would I expect a man to uproot his family to move in with me. It's also better from a financial perspective because nobody is surrendering assets. Obviously one day we would move in together, but absolutely not before the kids go to college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Spouse and I were in a relationship for many years before getting married. Second marriage for both of us, we both have kids from previous relationships. kids are now late teens and early 20s. We both still own our homes and remain responsible for maintaining our individual homes.
He has said he will not sell his house and that his kids will remain there (part time of course because they are in college and also live with their mother part of the time). He does not want me to move into his house. He wants us to maintain the 2 homes for an indefinite period of time. He feels this makes financial sense. I disagree and feel that being locked into a financial plan that doesn’t allow for marriage/living together is wrong.
I understand this type of arrangement works for some people. But it doesn’t work for me. He gets angry when I approach the topic of us being in a house together. In other words the arrangement works for him so therefore it should work for me. His reaction makes me so confused and upset - I don’t really want to be married to someone that doesn’t want to live with me. I don’t really “feel” married to be honest. Seeking advice from strangers on the internet.

OP, I'm very sorry you're dealing with this. You have my sympathies.

With that said, here's the situation as I see it. He does not want to be married to you in a traditional sense - i.e. living together, having one joint household, making decisions together, going shopping together, making an xmas list together, your typical conventional marriage. I am not sure why you guys got married but that's not important anymore. He does not want to merge his life with yours. He wants to enjoy your companionship on a part-time basis in a compartment of his life that is not connected with others. His kids are in college but he doesn't want to sell the house because he wants it to remain a "family nest" for the kids.

This is all perfectly reasonable for an aging man with college-age children. But it does not jibe with your desire for a conventional marriage. If that's what you want, leave. I don't personally understand why you want to legally bound to a guy who is essentially your boyfriend. You're not getting any marriage benefits out of this so why take on his debt, his next of kin workload, the duty to monogamy? Just enjoy his company for what it's worth and enjoy other men too. You've had your children, there is no urge for you to marry anymore, so just enjoy life. Every man has something that the other doesn't so get'em by the dozen.

[Anonymous]

I’m on the flip side of this story. I have older kids who are launched or about to launch and my boyfriend (not husband) has his middle school age kids almost 100% of the time. I have zero interest in cohabitating and love things the way they are. My kids have a home base, I have my own space, my boyfriend can clutter his house up all he wants and his kids have a stable home. I love him and would consider marrying him but I’m not sure I have any interest in living together until his kids are in college. I sleep over there several nights a week. I think it’s the perfect arrangement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this sounds awesome. Let me figure out the kid situation. His are in college and visit on breaks, etc? Yours live with you ...50/50 or more?

Yes his are in college and spend some of breaks with him, most of breaks with their mom.
The kids have actually always been very close and I think would be happy living together - although I know it would be challenging even on a part-time basis. My kids are with me almost 100 percent of the time.
I get that it “sounds” awesome, sometimes it does make life easier. But I’d much rather have a more traditional marriage, challenges and all.

My guess is that he likes the parental stage he is in with his children and does not want to go several years backward to having children around 24/7. He doesn’t want to parent more children- which he would have to do to some extent if he lived with you and your younger children. He may change once you are both unencumbered with the day to day aspect of parenting children under 19.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m on the flip side of this story. I have older kids who are launched or about to launch and my boyfriend (not husband) has his middle school age kids almost 100% of the time. I have zero interest in cohabitating and love things the way they are. My kids have a home base, I have my own space, my boyfriend can clutter his house up all he wants and his kids have a stable home. I love him and would consider marrying him but I’m not sure I have any interest in living together until his kids are in college. I sleep over there several nights a week. I think it’s the perfect arrangement.

Well, that's because he's your boyfriend. You aren't married. It's not unreasonable at all for OP to have expected to live with her husband. I wouldn't be ok with living separately and would be pissed he didn't bring it up prior to getting married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When are you having sex?
Does he spend the night sometimes?

He does spend the night every night with me and we have sex most nights.

If he is spending the night every night with you, then you are more or less living together. He has a house where his grown kids have their own space, and he can hang on to his things, but he is de facto living with you.