Married but living apart?

[Anonymous]

Spouse and I were in a relationship for many years before getting married. Second marriage for both of us, we both have kids from previous relationships. kids are now late teens and early 20s. We both still own our homes and remain responsible for maintaining our individual homes.
He has said he will not sell his house and that his kids will remain there (part time of course because they are in college and also live with their mother part of the time). He does not want me to move into his house. He wants us to maintain the 2 homes for an indefinite period of time. He feels this makes financial sense. I disagree and feel that being locked into a financial plan that doesn’t allow for marriage/living together is wrong.
I understand this type of arrangement works for some people. But it doesn’t work for me. He gets angry when I approach the topic of us being in a house together. In other words the arrangement works for him so therefore it should work for me. His reaction makes me so confused and upset - I don’t really want to be married to someone that doesn’t want to live with me. I don’t really “feel” married to be honest. Seeking advice from strangers on the internet.

[Anonymous]

It seems this was an arrangement you were aware of and agreed to prior to marriage. You married him with this in place.

I am not sure why you think he should change now. You can't go into marriage thinking that will change the person and then they will do what you want.

I don't get why you are confused and upset about something that has been in place for a long time - throughout your dating relationship and marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It seems this was an arrangement you were aware of and agreed to prior to marriage. You married him with this in place.

I am not sure why you think he should change now. You can't go into marriage thinking that will change the person and then they will do what you want.

I don't get why you are confused and upset about something that has been in place for a long time - throughout your dating relationship and marriage.

This. PP apparently was ok with this arrangement before marriage. Should have discussed beforehand.

PP - just to be clear, have you never lived with your DH?

[Anonymous]

No I was not okay with it before marriage and did not realize the timeline was indefinite. I agree this should have been discussed more before marriage - or maybe I should have ended the relationship much sooner when I “should” have known things were not likely to change.
Either way it’s tough to be in a marriage this way. It just doesn’t feel like we are sharing a life together and I don’t know what the point is.

[Anonymous]

His kids are his top priority and he is protecting his assets. You are way down on his priority list.

Did you push him to marry, did he even want this?

[Anonymous]

He wanted to get married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No I was not okay with it before marriage and did not realize the timeline was indefinite. I agree this should have been discussed more before marriage - or maybe I should have ended the relationship much sooner when I “should” have known things were not likely to change.
Either way it’s tough to be in a marriage this way. It just doesn’t feel like we are sharing a life together and I don’t know what the point is.

Yes. The timing is indefinite unless you had a plan and a date to combine your lives. Why did you marry him? What were you hoping to get out of it?

[Anonymous]

When will you both be empty nesters with kids out of college? At this point I can see why he would not want to combine households with teens/college kids from different families being forced to come together.

[Anonymous]

Get rid of this man. Find a man who wants to build a life with you, and value your values! Life is short.

[Anonymous]

OP, have you ever lived with him?

[Anonymous]

Op have you asked him what will happen when the kids are out of the home. If he is a definite no to living together then?

However if the kids are living with him through college and then possibly until they find their own place that may be many years down the track.

How do you feel putting everything on hold until then?

[Anonymous]

How is it a marriage? How is it different from before you got married?

[Anonymous]

I think this sounds awesome. Let me figure out the kid situation. His are in college and visit on breaks, etc? Yours live with you ...50/50 or more?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get rid of this man. Find a man who wants to build a life with you, and value your values! Life is short.

Op here and this is where I am leaning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think this sounds awesome. Let me figure out the kid situation. His are in college and visit on breaks, etc? Yours live with you ...50/50 or more?

Yes his are in college and spend some of breaks with him, most of breaks with their mom.
The kids have actually always been very close and I think would be happy living together - although I know it would be challenging even on a part-time basis. My kids are with me almost 100 percent of the time.
I get that it “sounds” awesome, sometimes it does make life easier. But I’d much rather have a more traditional marriage, challenges and all.