How Do U Know When to Pull Plug?

[Anonymous]

The problem is that you can’t force someone who doesn’t wan to get help to get help. And she doesn’t want to get help. Then again, nobody should be spending $80k/ year so their kid can bottom out. I would not pay for college, if only because it’s a huge waste of money.

Sounds like it is time to meet with her and her therapist, and consider an intervention.

It’s a tough situation.

[Anonymous]

Thanks everyone. Appreciate your honesty. FWIW, we no longer live in the DC area.

Found a good program that offers 2 1/2 hour sessions 3 or 4 times a week. Usually they require 90 days commitment but are currently considering an exception. They would also help us locate and set-up some support at her college.

I am hopeful they come through and accept her as an outpatient. We will likely follow their advice regarding a medical deferment.

My DD asked us to help her locate some alcohol counseling, so she is aware that she cannot continue this way.

[Anonymous]

Good luck to you.

I am glad that you are taking swift action, and she is fortunate to have your support and love.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks everyone. Appreciate your honesty. FWIW, we no longer live in the DC area.

Found a good program that offers 2 1/2 hour sessions 3 or 4 times a week. Usually they require 90 days commitment but are currently considering an exception. They would also help us locate and set-up some support at her college.

I am hopeful they come through and accept her as an outpatient. We will likely follow their advice regarding a medical deferment.

My DD asked us to help her locate some alcohol counseling, so she is aware that she cannot continue this way.

Why not do the full 90 days?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The problem is that you can’t force someone who doesn’t wan to get help to get help. And she doesn’t want to get help. Then again, nobody should be spending $80k/ year so their kid can bottom out. I would not pay for college, if only because it’s a huge waste of money.

Sounds like it is time to meet with her and her therapist, and consider an intervention.

It’s a tough situation.

No one should be giving an addict any resources unless the resources will help them get better. Anything you give them, such as your money, food, or time, will be used to feed the addiction.

OP - you need to withdraw all support. It sounds tough, but you shouldn't even allow her to live with you unless she is in treatment and she is taking it seriously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problem is that you can’t force someone who doesn’t wan to get help to get help. And she doesn’t want to get help. Then again, nobody should be spending $80k/ year so their kid can bottom out. I would not pay for college, if only because it’s a huge waste of money.

Sounds like it is time to meet with her and her therapist, and consider an intervention.

It’s a tough situation.

No one should be giving an addict any resources unless the resources will help them get better. Anything you give them, such as your money, food, or time, will be used to feed the addiction.

OP - you need to withdraw all support. It sounds tough, but you shouldn't even allow her to live with you unless she is in treatment and she is taking it seriously.

She's not an addict. She is abusing alcohol to deal with her rape.

There is a difference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks everyone. Appreciate your honesty. FWIW, we no longer live in the DC area.

Found a good program that offers 2 1/2 hour sessions 3 or 4 times a week. Usually they require 90 days commitment but are currently considering an exception. They would also help us locate and set-up some support at her college.

I am hopeful they come through and accept her as an outpatient. We will likely follow their advice regarding a medical deferment.

My DD asked us to help her locate some alcohol counseling, so she is aware that she cannot continue this way.

Horrible idea!! She is thinking like an addict "If only X, then I will stop using". If the program requires a 90 day commitment, there is a reason for that. Do the full program, in the time frame they have it set at. You have to remember, once you are an addict, you do not think properly. You always think you are in control and you can just stop with minimal effort. Her brain has been changed. It takes time--TIME-- to get out of that addict thinking. Trying to cut corners is NOT going to work.

Nothing bad will happen if she defers for 1 semester or 1 year. LOTS of bad things can happen if you try to rush the process.

Ask yourself--how would you feel if you rush the program, she does off to college and ends up ODing or dying in a car accident.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problem is that you can’t force someone who doesn’t wan to get help to get help. And she doesn’t want to get help. Then again, nobody should be spending $80k/ year so their kid can bottom out. I would not pay for college, if only because it’s a huge waste of money.

Sounds like it is time to meet with her and her therapist, and consider an intervention.

It’s a tough situation.

No one should be giving an addict any resources unless the resources will help them get better. Anything you give them, such as your money, food, or time, will be used to feed the addiction.

OP - you need to withdraw all support. It sounds tough, but you shouldn't even allow her to live with you unless she is in treatment and she is taking it seriously.

She's not an addict. She is abusing alcohol to deal with her rape.

There is a difference.

Sounds like she was abusing alcohol and while drunk got raped. Either way, both need to be dealt with. But until you deal with the addict brain, recovering from the rape won't be possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problem is that you can’t force someone who doesn’t wan to get help to get help. And she doesn’t want to get help. Then again, nobody should be spending $80k/ year so their kid can bottom out. I would not pay for college, if only because it’s a huge waste of money.

Sounds like it is time to meet with her and her therapist, and consider an intervention.

It’s a tough situation.

No one should be giving an addict any resources unless the resources will help them get better. Anything you give them, such as your money, food, or time, will be used to feed the addiction.

OP - you need to withdraw all support. It sounds tough, but you shouldn't even allow her to live with you unless she is in treatment and she is taking it seriously.

She's not an addict. She is abusing alcohol to deal with her rape.

There is a difference.

Sounds like she was abusing alcohol and while drunk got raped. Either way, both need to be dealt with. But until you deal with the addict brain, recovering from the rape won't be possible.

That's what I assumed too. But whichever came first, she is an alcoholic now. The reason why she started is irrelevant.

I also think OP's daughter may be telling her what OP wants to hear, with respect to cooperating/participating in treatment for a month until classes start. And the school she is going to is a great university, with an intensive quarter system, not to mention a big party scene.

[Anonymous]

Can people please stop putting this poor parent under more pressure. He/she has already been through a horrible situation.

PTSD is very common after rape. I am very sorry that you and your child have had to endure this ordeal.

OP-Listen to the professionals who are more qualified to give advice than DCUM posters (whatever this crowd's past traumas may be)...The therapist who has been treating your child also knows her better than we do.

I wish you all well.

[Anonymous]

This board is whack. Binge drinking is common/normal among older teens. It's not good, but it is not a reason to keep a child from going to college or impose crazy harsh punishments that will undoubtedly further alienate DD.

Being raped by someone she considered a friend is not evidence of alcoholism. It is evidence that her "friend" is a rapist. She undoubtedly needs counseling for the assault, not blame that it was her fault.

OP seems to have decided DD is an alcoholic because she came home drunk once. In general, the clinical question is whether alcohol has resulted in serious adverse consequences like failing to fulfill major obligations. And the threshold for alcohol dependence is whether the person has lost control of their alcohol use.

[Anonymous]

OP - your DD should consider going to an AA meeting. It's a tremendous support system.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problem is that you can’t force someone who doesn’t wan to get help to get help. And she doesn’t want to get help. Then again, nobody should be spending $80k/ year so their kid can bottom out. I would not pay for college, if only because it’s a huge waste of money.

Sounds like it is time to meet with her and her therapist, and consider an intervention.

It’s a tough situation.

No one should be giving an addict any resources unless the resources will help them get better. Anything you give them, such as your money, food, or time, will be used to feed the addiction.

OP - you need to withdraw all support. It sounds tough, but you shouldn't even allow her to live with you unless she is in treatment and she is taking it seriously.

She's not an addict. She is abusing alcohol to deal with her rape.

There is a difference.

Sounds like she was abusing alcohol and while drunk got raped. Either way, both need to be dealt with. But until you deal with the addict brain, recovering from the rape won't be possible.

That's what I assumed too. But whichever came first, she is an alcoholic now. The reason why she started is irrelevant.

I also think OP's daughter may be telling her what OP wants to hear, with respect to cooperating/participating in treatment for a month until classes start. And the school she is going to is a great university, with an intensive quarter system, not to mention a big party scene.

My DH is a recovering alcoholic. I think this statement is really important. He had no understanding that is up-bringing is a direct factor for his alcoholism. When we first started dating, he was still struggling with his alcoholism. And I was frustrated that he wasn't looking at the underlying causes of his drinking. But he wasn't ready and now I see, it wouldn't have mattered until he was able to get his brain to a better recovered state. Now after almost a decade together, his alcoholic brain is recovered enough to deal with his stress management techniques and his upbringing.

You will not find healing until the alcoholism is under control.

[Anonymous]

OP, I just want to wish you and your DD the best. Did she see a therapist for the rape?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This board is whack. Binge drinking is common/normal among older teens. It's not good, but it is not a reason to keep a child from going to college or impose crazy harsh punishments that will undoubtedly further alienate DD.

Being raped by someone she considered a friend is not evidence of alcoholism. It is evidence that her "friend" is a rapist. She undoubtedly needs counseling for the assault, not blame that it was her fault.

OP seems to have decided DD is an alcoholic because she came home drunk once. In general, the clinical question is whether alcohol has resulted in serious adverse consequences like failing to fulfill major obligations. And the threshold for alcohol dependence is whether the person has lost control of their alcohol use.

Learn to read. OP said the alcohol problem has developed over the last six months. Your daughter is in no shape to go to college. Deal with the alcoholism before it takes her life.