11 year old Son wants to be a Girl

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would tell my son that when he is 18, he can be or do whatever he wants, and you will support it then, but at 11, not happening under my roof.

I didn't know the Duggars posted on DCUM! You learn something new everyday!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would tell my son that when he is 18, he can be or do whatever he wants, and you will support it then, but at 11, not happening under my roof.

So you would not allow a 16 or 17 year old who has said for years she is trans to essentially suppress and hide it from you? What good will that do except to show her your love is conditional and not openly giving and accepting? You are okay with that?

I think people like this are either pretending to be supportive or ignorant of what being trans is like.

Before I knew DS was trans, I assumed I’d be supportive but not necessarily allow medical procedures until adulthood. I’m bi, but I was fairly ignorant of the trans community and trans people’s needs. It turns out, it’s virtually impossible to be supportive and not allow hormones and other medical interventions. I mean, you can say you love and support, but it’s the equivalent of thoughts and prayers after a shooting. The actual support is in actions, and that includes helping your child’s outside match their inside. Telling a boy he can present as female while forcing him to go through puberty and become more masculine, irreversibly masculine, is cruel beyond words. Life is already hard enough for teens, more so for trans teens with supportive families. It’s torturous for trans kids who feel alone and unsupported.

It would be like saying you support your child being a musician but not allowing them to have an instrument or music lessons, and in some cases limiting their exposure to music because you’re afraid it will corrupt them.

[Anonymous]

OP, I hear you on this question about whether or not it's trendy or a fad. My 12 yo step-daughter has announced that she's transgender and refers to herself by a male name on her social media account. (ftr, I don't think she should be allowed on social media, but it's not my decision) However, in person, she hasn't asked that we call her by different pronouns or the male name. She dresses basically the same with the only exception that she instead of a bob hair style, it's an edgier shaved style which I would classify as androgynous.

Here's my thought on this: kids at this age are exploring their identities and these days, they have a lot more ways to explore than we did -- it's more than just the Breakfast Club stereotypes -- and it's more acceptable to explore a core aspect of your life (gender) than it would have been 20+ years ago. I think that for kids in their tweens and early teens, it's can be a fluid experience and one that may not be permanent. I'm not sure that my step-daughter understands that many people around her see being transgender as a final "decision". (I understand that for many it's not a decision, but just trying to express how others may view the announcement of being transgender). It wouldn't surprise me in the least if a year or two from now, SD feels that she is non-binary or feminine once again. I think she's looking for her place in this world and for whatever reason, the skin she is in now doesn't feel true to herself.

Like you, we follow her lead and support her in whatever way she chooses to express herself. I think the only other conversation I would have with your child is that not everyone will as accepting as you will and perhaps role play with her ways to handle bullies and negative comments.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I hear you on this question about whether or not it's trendy or a fad. My 12 yo step-daughter has announced that she's transgender and refers to herself by a male name on her social media account. (ftr, I don't think she should be allowed on social media, but it's not my decision) However, in person, she hasn't asked that we call her by different pronouns or the male name. She dresses basically the same with the only exception that she instead of a bob hair style, it's an edgier shaved style which I would classify as androgynous.

Here's my thought on this: kids at this age are exploring their identities and these days, they have a lot more ways to explore than we did -- it's more than just the Breakfast Club stereotypes -- and it's more acceptable to explore a core aspect of your life (gender) than it would have been 20+ years ago. I think that for kids in their tweens and early teens, it's can be a fluid experience and one that may not be permanent. I'm not sure that my step-daughter understands that many people around her see being transgender as a final "decision". (I understand that for many it's not a decision, but just trying to express how others may view the announcement of being transgender). It wouldn't surprise me in the least if a year or two from now, SD feels that she is non-binary or feminine once again. I think she's looking for her place in this world and for whatever reason, the skin she is in now doesn't feel true to herself.

Like you, we follow her lead and support her in whatever way she chooses to express herself. I think the only other conversation I would have with your child is that not everyone will as accepting as you will and perhaps role play with her ways to handle bullies and negative comments.

I'd, probably, get flamed for saying this, but, in my experience, girls in their early teens sometimes 'experiment' with gender to seem cool; like you said, it is entirely possible that, a couple of years from now, your SD will declare herself a non-binary or feminine again.
It seems to be a bit different with boys. No one scores 'coolness' points amongst boys for wearing a tutu, and you very well might get bullied.

[Anonymous]

Therapy OP.
Why does your child.wantto be a different gender? Is it a feeling inside them, or do they somehow want things they think girls have

[Anonymous]

I feel for you, this is a tough spot to be in and it feels like every other day a teen is coming out as trans. It was never this prevalent.

[Anonymous]

You need a therapist who specializes in this. For your dc, as well as you and your spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I hear you on this question about whether or not it's trendy or a fad. My 12 yo step-daughter has announced that she's transgender and refers to herself by a male name on her social media account. (ftr, I don't think she should be allowed on social media, but it's not my decision) However, in person, she hasn't asked that we call her by different pronouns or the male name. She dresses basically the same with the only exception that she instead of a bob hair style, it's an edgier shaved style which I would classify as androgynous.

Here's my thought on this: kids at this age are exploring their identities and these days, they have a lot more ways to explore than we did -- it's more than just the Breakfast Club stereotypes -- and it's more acceptable to explore a core aspect of your life (gender) than it would have been 20+ years ago. I think that for kids in their tweens and early teens, it's can be a fluid experience and one that may not be permanent. I'm not sure that my step-daughter understands that many people around her see being transgender as a final "decision". (I understand that for many it's not a decision, but just trying to express how others may view the announcement of being transgender). It wouldn't surprise me in the least if a year or two from now, SD feels that she is non-binary or feminine once again. I think she's looking for her place in this world and for whatever reason, the skin she is in now doesn't feel true to herself.

Like you, we follow her lead and support her in whatever way she chooses to express herself. I think the only other conversation I would have with your child is that not everyone will as accepting as you will and perhaps role play with her ways to handle bullies and negative comments.

It sounds like your situation is rather different from OP’s. I think following their lead is the best choice in both situations, so kudos to you all for that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would tell my son that when he is 18, he can be or do whatever he wants, and you will support it then, but at 11, not happening under my roof.

So you would not allow a 16 or 17 year old who has said for years she is trans to essentially suppress and hide it from you? What good will that do except to show her your love is conditional and not openly giving and accepting? You are okay with that?

I think people like this are either pretending to be supportive or ignorant of what being trans is like.

Before I knew DS was trans, I assumed I’d be supportive but not necessarily allow medical procedures until adulthood. I’m bi, but I was fairly ignorant of the trans community and trans people’s needs. It turns out, it’s virtually impossible to be supportive and not allow hormones and other medical interventions. I mean, you can say you love and support, but it’s the equivalent of thoughts and prayers after a shooting. The actual support is in actions, and that includes helping your child’s outside match their inside. Telling a boy he can present as female while forcing him to go through puberty and become more masculine, irreversibly masculine, is cruel beyond words. Life is already hard enough for teens, more so for trans teens with supportive families. It’s torturous for trans kids who feel alone and unsupported.

It would be like saying you support your child being a musician but not allowing them to have an instrument or music lessons, and in some cases limiting their exposure to music because you’re afraid it will corrupt them.

Except in this case, the medical/surgical route is harmful. There are serious repercussions to putting kids on hormones. Not just sterilization, but major impacts on their cognitive, cardiac and bone health. And those are just known problems. There is much we don’t know about the impact of putting kids on hormones and keeping them from experiencing puberty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe see a family therapist for education about how to best support your child during this time?

Definitely do this. As a parent of an almost-11 year old boy and someone who used to teach this age group, I would say it’s extremely unlikely your child would speak up about something like this unless he’s serious.

+1.

[Anonymous]

Therapy and if the child is really trans and serious about it, medical intervention ASAP. The sooner you start treatments, especially if before puberty, the better chance your child has of eventually passing when they’re an adult. Transitioning post-puberty is really rough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Take a deep dive into the effects of puberty blockers and cross-sex hormones on youth.

DP. I thought puberty blockers weren't known to have adverse side effects.

You should do some research. Medication often has adverse side effects. You need to know if the benefit of the medication outweighs the side effects.

You can read https://www.pbs.org/newshour/health/women-fear-drug-they-used-to-halt-puberty-led-to-health-problems about some possible effects.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would tell my son that when he is 18, he can be or do whatever he wants, and you will support it then, but at 11, not happening under my roof.

So you would not allow a 16 or 17 year old who has said for years she is trans to essentially suppress and hide it from you? What good will that do except to show her your love is conditional and not openly giving and accepting? You are okay with that?

She would force her gay child to date the opposite sex until they are 18 too, so ... ignore this post.

[Anonymous]

The downside is, I don't think an 11 or 12 year old would understand the choice they are making medically. It's fine to experiment, but do they really know what they are doing to themselves if they start hormones? I doubt it.
Therapy OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would tell my son that when he is 18, he can be or do whatever he wants, and you will support it then, but at 11, not happening under my roof.

So you would not allow a 16 or 17 year old who has said for years she is trans to essentially suppress and hide it from you? What good will that do except to show her your love is conditional and not openly giving and accepting? You are okay with that?

I think people like this are either pretending to be supportive or ignorant of what being trans is like.

Before I knew DS was trans, I assumed I’d be supportive but not necessarily allow medical procedures until adulthood. I’m bi, but I was fairly ignorant of the trans community and trans people’s needs. It turns out, it’s virtually impossible to be supportive and not allow hormones and other medical interventions. I mean, you can say you love and support, but it’s the equivalent of thoughts and prayers after a shooting. The actual support is in actions, and that includes helping your child’s outside match their inside. Telling a boy he can present as female while forcing him to go through puberty and become more masculine, irreversibly masculine, is cruel beyond words. Life is already hard enough for teens, more so for trans teens with supportive families. It’s torturous for trans kids who feel alone and unsupported.

It would be like saying you support your child being a musician but not allowing them to have an instrument or music lessons, and in some cases limiting their exposure to music because you’re afraid it will corrupt them.

Except in this case, the medical/surgical route is harmful. There are serious repercussions to putting kids on hormones. Not just sterilization, but major impacts on their cognitive, cardiac and bone health. And those are just known problems. There is much we don’t know about the impact of putting kids on hormones and keeping them from experiencing puberty.

Denying them medical treatment for a treatable condition is equally harmful in other ways. And the things you’re talking about are risks associated with hormone therapies, just the same as when menopausal women use them, when we vaccinate our children, let them play football, ride in cars, etc. No medication is risk free, but stop implying that kids who use hormones are destined to a life full of regrets, heart disease and cognitive impairment.